a far country-第92节

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


But　because　of　this　particular　combination　my　happiness　was　ruined；　and
Nancy's！　　She　had　not　expected　me　to　understand。　　Well；　I　didn't
understand；　I　had　no　pity；　in　that　hour　I　felt　a　resentment　almost
amounting　to　hate；　I　could　see　only　unreasoning　superstition　in　the　woman
I　wanted　above　everything　in　the　world。　　Women　of　other　days　had　indeed
renounced　great　loves：　the　thing　was　not　unheard　of。　　But　that　this
should　happen　in　these　timesand　to　me！　　It　was　unthinkable　that　Nancy
of　all　women　shouldn't　be　emancipated　from　the　thralls　of　religious
inhibition！　　And　if　it　wasn't　〃conscience；〃what　was　it？

Was　it；　as　she　said；　weakness；　lack　of　courage　to　take　life　when
it　was　offered　her？。。。。　　I　was　suddenly　filled　with　the　fever　of
composing　arguments　to　change　a　decision　that　appeared　to　me　to　be　the
result　of　a　monstrous　caprice　and　delusion；　writing　them　out；　as　they
occurred　to　me；　in　snatches　on　the　backs　of　envelopesher　envelopes。
Then　I　proceeded　to　make　the　draft　of　a　letter；　the　effort　required　for
composition　easing　me　until　the　draft　was　finished；　when　I　started　for
the　hotel；　climbing　fences；　leaping　streams；　making　my　way　across　rock
faces　and　through　woods；　halting　now　and　then　as　some　reenforcing
argument　occurred　to　me　to　write　it　into　my　draft　at　the　proper　place
until　the　sheets　were　interlined　and　blurred　and　almost　illegible。　　It
was　already　three　o'clock　when　I　reached　my　room；　and　the　mail　left　at
four。　　I　began　to　copy　and　revise　my　scrawl；　glancing　from　time　to　time
at　my　watch；　which　I　had　laid　on　the　table。　　Hurriedly　washing　my　face
and　brushing　my　hair；　I　arrived　downstairs　just　as　the　stage　was
leaving。。。。

After　the　letter　had　gone　still　other　arguments　I　might　have　added　began
to　occur　to　me；　and　I　regretted　that　I　had　not　softened　some　of　the
things　I　wrote　and　made　others　more　emphatic。　　In　places　argument　had
degenerated　into　abject　entreaty。　　Never　had　my　desire　been　so
importunate　as　now；　when　I　was　in　continual　terror　of　losing　her。　　Nor
could　I　see　how　I　was　to　live　without　her；　life　lacking　a　motive　being
incomprehensible：　yet　the　fire　of　optimism　in　me；　though　died　down　to
ashes；　would　not　be　extinguished。　　At　moments　it　flared　up　into　what
almost　amounted　to　a　conviction　that　she　could　not　resist　my　appeal。　　I
had　threatened　to　go　to　her；　and　more　than　once　I　started　packing。。。。

Three　days　later　I　received　a　brief　note　in　which　she　managed　to　convey
to　me；　though　tenderly　and　compassionately；　that　her　decision　was
unalterable。　　If　I　came　on；　she　would　refuse　to　see　me。　　I　took　the
afternoon　stage　and　went　back　to　the　city；　to　plunge　into　affairs　again；
but　for　weeks　my　torture　was　so　acute　that　it　gives　me　pain　to　recall　it；
to　dwell　upon　it　to…day。。。。　　And　yet；　amazing　as　it　may　seem；　there　came
a　time　when　hope　began　to　dawn　again　out　of　my　despair。　　Perhaps　my　life
had　not　been　utterly　shattered；　after　all：　perhaps　Ham　Durrett　would　get
well：　such　things　happened；　and　Nancy　would　no　longer　have　an　excuse　for
continuing　to　refuse　me。　　Little　by　little　my　anger　at　what　I　had　now
become　convinced　was　her　weakness　cooled；　andthough　paradoxically　I　had
continued　to　love　her　in　spite　of　the　torture　for　which　she　was
responsible；　in　spite　of　the　resentment　I　felt；　I　melted　toward　her。
True　to　my　habit　of　reliance　on　miracles；　I　tried　to　reconcile　myself　to
a　period　of　waiting。

Nevertheless　I　was　faintly　awareconsequent　upon　if　not　as　a　result　of
this　tremendous　experienceof　some　change　within　me。　　It　was　not　only
that　I　felt　at　times　a　novel　sense　of　uneasiness　at　being　a　prey　to
accidents；　subject　to　ravages　of　feeling；　the　unity　of　mind　that　had
hitherto　enabled　me　to　press　forward　continuously　toward　a　concrete　goal
showed　signs　of　breaking　up：the　goal　had　lost　its　desirability。　　I
seemed　oddly　to　be　relapsing　into　the　states　of　questioning　that　had
characterized　my　earlier　years。　　Perhaps　it　would　be　an　exaggeration　to
say　that　I　actually　began　to　speculate　on　the　possible　existence　of　a
realm　where　the　soul　might　find　a　refuge　from　the　buffetings　of　life；
from　which　the　philosophy　of　prosperity　was　powerless　to　save　it。。。。




XXIV。

It　was　impossible；　of　course；　that　my　friends　should　have　failed　to
perceive　the　state　of　disorganization　I　was　in；　and　some　of　them　at　least
must　have　guessed　its　cause。　　Dickinson；　on　his　return　from　Maine；　at
once　begged　me　to　go　away。　　I　rather　congratulated　myself　that　Tom　had
chosen　these　months　for　a　long…delayed　vacation　in　Canada。　　His　passion
for　fishing　still　persisted。

In　spite　of　the　fact　I　have　noted；　that　I　had　lost　a　certain　zest　for
results；　to　keep　busy　seemed　to　be　the　only　way　to　relieve　my　mind　of　an
otherwise　intolerable　pressure：　and　I　worked　sometimes　far　into　the
evening。　　In　the　background　of　my　thoughts　lay　the　necessity　of　coming　to
a　decision　on　the　question　of　the　senatorship；　several　times　Dickinson
and　Gorse　had　spoken　of　it；　and　I　was　beginning　to　get　letters　from
influential　men　in　other　parts　of　the　state。　　They　seemed　to　take　it　for
granted　that　there　was　no　question　of　my　refusing。　　The　time　came　when　I
had　grown　able　to　consider　the　matter　with　a　degree　of　calmness。　　What
struck　me　first；　when　I　began　to　debate　upon　it；　was　that　the　senatorship
offered　a　new　and　possibly　higher　field　for　my　energies；　while　at　the
same　time　the　office　would　be　a　logical　continuation　of　a　signal　legal
career。　　I　was　now　unable　to　deny　that　I　no　longer　felt　any　exhilaration
at　the　prospect　of　future　legal　conquests　similar　to　those　of　the　past；
but　once　in　the　Senate；　I　might　regain　something　of　that　intense
conviction　of　fighting　for　a　just　and　sound　cause　with　which　Theodore
Wading　had　once　animated　me：　fighting　there；　in　the　Capitol　at
Washington；　would　be　different；　no　stigma　of　personal　gain　attached　to
it；　it　offered　a　nearer　approach　to　the　ideal　I　had　once　more　begun　to
seek；　held　out　hopes　of　a　renewal　of　my　unity　of　mind。　　Mr。　Watling　had
declared　that　there　was　something　to　fight　for；　I　had　even　glimpsed　that
something；　but　I　had　to　confess　that　for　some　years　I　had　not　been
consciously　fighting　for　it。　　I　needed　something　to　fight　for。

There　was　the　necessity；　however；　of　renewing　my　calculations。　　If
Hambleton　Durrett　should　recover；　even　during　the　ensuing　year；　and　if
Nancy　relented　it　would　not　be　possible　for　us　to　be　divorced　and　married
for　some　time。　　I　still　clung　tenaciously　to　the　belief　that　there　were
no　relationships　wholly　unaffected　by　worldly　triumphs；　and　as　Senator　I
should　have　strengthened　my　position。　　It　did　not　strike　meeven　after
all　my　experiencethat　such　a　course　as　I　now　contemplated　had　a
parallel　in　the　one　that　I　had　pursued　in　regard　to　her　when　I　was　young。

It　seemed　fitting　that　Theodore　Watling　should　be　the　first　to　know　of　my
decision。　　I　went　to　Washington　to　meet　him。　　It　pained　me　to　see　him
looking　more　worn；　but　he　was　still　as　cheerful；　as　mentally　vigorous　as
ever；　and　I　perceived　that　he　did　not　wish　to　dwell　upon　his　illness。　　I
did　venture　to　expostulate　with　him　on　the　risk　he　must　be　running　in
serving　out　his　term。　　We　were　　sitting　in　the　dining　room　of　his　house。

〃We've　only　one　life　to　live；　Hugh；〃　he　answered；　smiling　at　me；　〃and　we
might　as　well　get　all　out　of　it　we　can。　　A　few　years　more　or　less　doesn't
make　much　differenceand　I　ought　to　be　satisfied。　　I'd　resign　now；　to
please　my　wife；　to　please　my　friends；　but　we　can't　trust　this　governor　to
appoint　a　safe　man。　　How　little　we　suspected　when　we　elected　him　that
he'd　become　infected。　　You　never　can　tell；　in　these　days；　can　you？〃

It　was　the　note　of　devotion　to　his　cause　that　I　had　come　to　hear：　I　felt
it　renewing　me；　as　I　had　hoped。　　The　threat　of　disease；　the　louder
clamourings　of　the　leaders　of　the　mob　had　not　sufficed　to　dismay　him
though　he　admitted　more　concern　over　these。　　My　sympathy　and　affection
were　mingled　with　the　admiration　he　never　failed　to　inspire。

〃But　you；　Hugh；〃　he　said　concernedly；　〃you're　not　looking　very　well；　my
son。　　You　must　manage　to　take　a　good　rest　before　coming　herebefore　the
campaign　you'll　have　to　go　through。　　We　can't　afford　to　have　anything
happen　to　youyou're　too　young。〃

I　wondered　whether　he　had　heard　anything。。。。　　He　spoke　to　me　again　about
the　work　to　be　done；　the　work　he　looked　to　me　to　carry　on。

〃We'll　have　to　watch　for　our　opportunity；〃　he　said；　〃and　when　it　comes　we
can　handle　this　new　movement　not　by　crushing　it；　but　by　guiding　it。　　I've
come　to　the　conclusion　that　there　is　a　true　instinct　in　it；　that　there
are　certain　things　we　have　done　which　have　been　mistakes；　and　which　we
can't　do　any　more。　　But　as　for　this　theory　that　all　wisdom　resides　in　the
people；　it's　buncombe。　　What　we　have　to　do　is　to　work　out　a　practical
programme。〃

His　confidence　in　me　had　not　diminished。　　It　helped　to　restore　confidence
in　myself。

The　weather　was　cool　and　bracing　for　September；　and　as　we　drove　in　a
motor　through　the　beautiful　avenues　of　the　city　he　pointed　out　a　house
for　me　on　one　of　the　circles；　one　of　those　distinguished　residences；
instances　of　a　nascent　good　taste；　that　are　helping　to　redeem　the
polyglot　aspect　of　our　national　capital。　　Mr。　W