a far country-第91节

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if　I　had　been　the　only　sojourner。　　The　place　was　so　remote；　so　peaceful
in　contrast　to　the　city　I　had　left；　which　had　become　intolerable。　　And　at
night；　during　hours　of　wakefulness；　the　music　of　the　waters　falling　over
the　dam　was　soothing。　　I　used　to　walk　down　there　and　sit　on　the　stones　of
the　ruined　mill；　or　climb　to　the　crests　on　the　far　side　of　the　pond　to
gaze　for　hours　westward　where　the　green　billows　of　the　Alleghenies　lost
themselves　in　the　haze。　　I　had　discovered　a　new　country；　here；　when　our
trials　should　be　over；　I　would　bring　Nancy；　and　I　found　distraction　in
choosing　sites　for　a　bungalow。　　In　my　soul　hope　flowered　with　little
watering。　　Uncertain　news　was　good　news。　　After　two　days　of　an　impatience
all　but　intolerable；　her　first　letter　arrived；　I　learned　that　the
specialists　had　not　been　able　to　make　a　diagnosis；　and　I　began　to　take
heart　again。　　At　times；　she　said；　Ham　was　delirious　and　difficult　to
manage；　at　other　times　he　sank　into　a　condition　of　coma；　and　again　he
seemed　to　know　her　and　Ralph；　who　had　come　up　from　Southampton；　where　he
had　been　spending　the　summer。　　One　doctor　thought　that　Ham's　remarkable
vitality　would　pull　him　through；　in　spite　of　what　his　life　had　been。　　The
shockas　might　have　been　surmisedhad　affected　the　brain。。。。　　The
letters　that　followed　contained　no　additional　news；　she　did　not　dwell　on
the　depressing　reactions　inevitable　from　the　situation　in　which　she　found
herselfone　so　much　worse　than　mine；　she　expressed　a　continual　longing
for　me；　and　yet　I　had　trouble　to　convince　myself　that　they　did　not　lack
the　note　of　reassurance　for　which　I　strained　as　I　eagerly　scanned　them
of　reassurance　that　she　had　no　intention　of　permitting　her　husband's
condition　to　interfere　with　that　ultimate　happiness　on　which　it　seemed　my
existence　depended。　　I　tried　to　account　for　the　absence　of　this　note　by
reflecting　that　the　letters　were　of　necessity　brief；　hurriedly　scratched
off　at　odd　moments；　and　a　natural　delicacy　would　prevent　her　from
referring　to　our　future　at　such　a　time。　　They　recorded　no　change　in　Ham's
condition　save　that　the　periods　of　coma　had　ceased。　　The　doctors　were
silent；　awaiting　the　arrival　in　this　country　of　a　certain　New　York
specialist　who　was　abroad。　　She　spent　most　of　her　days　at　the　hospital；
returning　to　the　hotel　at　night　exhausted：　the　people　she　knew　in　the
various　resorts　around　Boston　had　been　most　kind；　sending　her　flowers；
and　calling　when　in　town　to　inquire。　　At　length　came　the　news　that　the
New　York　doctor　was　home　again；　and　coming　to　Boston。　　In　that　letter　was
a　sentence　which　rang　like　a　cry　in　my　ears：　〃Oh；　Hugh；　I　think　these
doctors　know　now　what　the　trouble　is；　I　think　I　know。　　They　are　only
waiting　for　Dr。　Jameson　to　confirm　it。〃

It　was　always　an　effort　for　me　to　control　my　impatience　after　the　first
rattling　was　heard　in　the　morning　of　the　stage　that　brought　the　mail；　and
I　avoided　the　waiting　group　in　front　of　the　honeycombed　partition　of
boxes　beside　the　〃office。〃　　On　the　particular　morning　of　which　I　am　now
writing　the　proprietor　himself　handed　me　a　letter　of　ominous　thickness
which　I　took　with　me　down　to　the　borders　of　the　lake　before　tearing　open
the　flap。　　In　spite　of　the　calmness　and　restraint　of　the　first　lines；
because　of　them；　I　felt　creeping　over　me　an　unnerving　sensation　I　knew
for　dread。。。。

〃Hugh；　the　New　York　doctor　has　been　here。　　It　is　as　I　have　feared　for
some　weeks；　but　I　couldn't　tell　you　until　I　was　sure。　　Ham　is　not　exactly
insane；　but　he　is　childish。　　Sometimes　I　think　that　is　even　worse。　　I
have　had　a　talk　with　Dr。　Jameson；　who　has　simply　confirmed　the　opinion
which　the　other　physicians　have　gradually　been　forming。　　The　accident　has
precipitated　a　kind　of　mental　degeneration；　but　his　health；　otherwise；
will　not　be　greatly　affected。

〃Jameson　was　kind；　but　very　frank；　for　which　I　was　grateful。　　He　did　not
hesitate　to　say　that　it　would　have　been　better　if　the　accident　had　been
fatal。　　Ham　won't　be　helpless；　physically。　　Of　course　he　won't　be　able　to
play　polo；　or　take　much　active　exercise。　　If　he　were　to　be　helpless；　I
could　feel　that　I　might　be　of　some　use；　at　least　of　more　use。　　He　knows
his　friends。　　Some　of　them　have　been　here　to　see　him；　and　he　talks　quite
rationally　with　them；　with　Ralph；　with　me；　only　once　in　a　while　he　says
something　silly。　　It　seems　odd　to　write　that　he　is　not　responsible；　since
he　never　has　been；his　condition　is　so　queer　that　I　am　at　a　loss　to
describe　it。　　The　other　morning；　before　I　arrived　from　the　hotel　and　when
the　nurse　was　downstairs；　he　left　the　hospital；　and　we　found　him　several
blocks　along　Commonwealth　Avenue；　seated　on　a　bench；　without　a　hathe
was　annoyed　that　he　had　forgotten　it；　and　quite　sensible　otherwise。　　We
began　by　taking　him　out　every　morning　in　an　automobile。　　To…day　he　had　a
walk　with　Ralph；　and　insisted　on　going　into　a　club　here；　to　which　they
both　belong。　　Two　or　three　men　were　there　whom　they　knew；　and　he　talked
to　them　about　his　fall　from　the　pony　and　told　them　just　how　it　happened。

At　such　times　only　a　close　observer　can　tell　from　his　manner　that
everything　is　not　right。

〃Ralph；　who　always　could　manage　him；　prevented　his　taking　anything　to
drink。　　He　depends　upon　Ralph；　and　it　will　be　harder　for　me　when　he　is
not　with　us。　　His　attitude　towards　me　is　just　about　what　it　has　always
been。　　I　try　to　amuse　him　by　reading　the　newspapers　and　with　games；　we
have　a　chess…board。　　At　times　he　seems　grateful；　and　then　he　will
suddenly　grow　tired　and　hard　to　control。　　Once　or　twice　I　have　had　to
call　in　Dr。　Magruder；　who　owns　the　hospital。

〃It　has　been　terribly　hard　for　me　to　write　all　this；　but　I　had　to　do　it；
in　order　that　you　might　understand　the　situation　completely。　　Hugh　dear；
I　simply　can't　leave　him。　　This　has　been　becoming　clearer　and　clearer　to
me　all　these　weeks；　but　it　breaks　my　heart　to　have　to　write　it。　　I　have
struggled　against　it；　I　have　lain　awake　nights　trying　to　find
justification　for　going　to　you；　but　it　is　stronger　than　I。　　I　am　afraid
of　itI　suppose　that's　the　truth。　　Even　in　those　unforgettable　days　at
the　farm　I　was　afraid　of　it；　although　I　did　not　know　what　it　was　to　be。
Call　it　what　you　like；　say　that　I　am　weak。　　I　am　willing　to　acknowledge
that　it　is　weakness。　　I　wish　no　credit　for　it；　it　gives　me　no　glow；　the
thought　of　it　makes　my　heart　sick。　　I'm　not　big　enough　I　suppose　that's
the　real　truth。　　I　once　might　have　been；　but　I'm　not　now；the　years　of
the　life　I　chose　have　made　a　coward　of　me。　　It's　not　a　question　of　morals
or　duty　it's　simply　that　I　can't　take　the　thing　for　which　my　soul　craves。
It's　too　late。　　If　I　believed　in　prayer　I'd　pray　that　you　might　pity　and
forgive　me。　　I　really　can't　expect　you　to　understand　what　I　can't　myself
explain。　　Oh；　I　need　pityand　I　pity　you；　my　dear。　　I　can　only　hope　that
you　will　not　suffer　as　I　shall；　that　you　will　find　relief　away　to　work
out　your　life。　　But　I　will　not　change　my　decision；　I　cannot　change　it。
Don't　come　on；　don't　attempt　to　see　me　now。　　I　can't　stand　any　more　than
I　am　standing；　I　should　lose　my　mind。〃

Here　the　letter　was　blotted；　and　some　words　scratched　out。　　I　was　unable
to　reconstruct　them。

〃Ralph　and　I；〃　she　proceeded　irrelevantly；　〃have　got　Ham　to　agree　to　go
to　Buzzard's　Bay；　and　we　have　taken　a　house　near　Wareham。　　Write　and　tell
me　that　you　forgive　and　pity　me。　　I　love　you　even　more；　if　such　a　thing
is　possible；　than　I　have　ever　loved　you。　　This　is　my　only　comfort　and
compensation；　that　I　have　had　and　have　been　able　to　feel　such　a　love；　and
I　know　I　shall　always　feel　it。Nancy。〃　　The　first　effect　of　this　letter
was　a　paralyzing　one。　　I　was　unable　to　realize　or　believe　the　thing　that
had　happened　to　me；　and　I　sat　stupidly　holding　the　sheet　in　my　hand　until
I　heard　voices　along　the　path；　and　then　I　fled　instinctively；　like　an
animal；　to　hide　my　injury　from　any　persons　I　might　meet。　　I　wandered　down
the　shore　of　the　lake；　striking　at　length　into　the　woods；　seeking　some
inviolable　shelter；　nor　was　I　conscious　of　physical　effort　until　I　found
myself　panting　near　the　crest　of　the　ridge　where　there　was　a　pasture；
which　some　ancient　glacier　had　strewn　with　great　boulders。　　Beside　one　of
these　I　sank。　　Heralded　by　the　deep　tones　of　bells；　two　steers　appeared
above　the　shoulder　of　a　hill　and　stood　staring　at　me　with　bovine
curiosity；　and　fell　to　grazing　again。　　A　fleet　of　white　clouds；　like
ships　pressed　with　sail；　hurried　across　the　sky　as　though　racing　for　some
determined　port；　and　the　shadows　they　cast　along　the　hillsides
accentuated　the　high　brightness　of　the　day；　emphasized　the　vivid　and
hateful　beauty　of　the　landscape。　　My　numbness　began　to　be　penetrated　by
shooting　pains；　and　I　grasped　little　by　little　the　fulness　of　my
calamity；　until　I　was　in　the　state　of　wild　rebellion　of　one　whom　life　for
the　first　time　has　foiled　in　a　supreme　desire。　　There　was　no　fate　about
this　thing；　it　was　just　an　absurd　accident。　　The　operation　of　the　laws　of
nature　had　sent　a　man　to　the　ground：　another　combination　of　circumstances
would　have　killed　him；　still　another；　and　he　would　have　arisen　unhurt。
But　because　of　this　particular　combination　my　happiness　was　ruined；　and
Nancy's！　　She　had　not　expected　me