a far country-第89节
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shouted after me； but the world to which he belonged didn't exist。 I
lived again those moments that had followed Nancy's surrender； seeking to
recall and fix in my mind every word that had escaped from her lipsthe
trivial things that to lovers are so fraught with meaning。 I lived it
all over again； as I say； but the reflection of it； though intensely
emotional； differed from the reality in that now I was somewhat able to
regard the thing； to regard myself； objectively； to define certain
feelings that had flitted in filmy fashion through my consciousness；
delicate shadows I recognized at the time as related to sadness。 When
she had so amazingly yielded； the thought for which my mind had been
vaguely groping was that the woman who lay there in my arms； obscured by
the darkness； was not Nancy at all！ It was as if this one precious woman
I had so desperately pursued had； in the capture； lost her identity； had
mysteriously become just woman； in all her significance； yes； and
helplessness。 The particular had merged （inevitably； I might have known）
into the general： the temporary had become the lasting； with a chain of
consequences vaguely implied that even in my joy gave me pause。 For the
first time in my life I had a glimpse of what marriage might mean；
marriage in a greater sense than I had ever conceived it； a sort of
cosmic sense； implying obligations transcending promises and contracts；
calling for greatness of soul of a kind I had not hitherto imagined。 Was
there in me a grain of doubt of my ability to respond to such a high
call？ I began to perceive that such a union as we contemplated involved
more obligations than one not opposed to traditional views of morality。
I fortified myself； however；if indeed I really needed fortification in
a mood prevailingly triumphant and exalted；with the thought that this
love was different； the real thing； the love of maturity steeped in the
ideals of youth。 Here was a love for which I must be prepared to
renounce other things on which I set a high value； prepared； in case the
world； for some reason； should not look upon us with kindliness。 It was
curious that such reflections as these should have been delayed until
after the achievement of my absorbing desire； more curious that they
should have followed so closely on the heels of it。 The affair had
shifted suddenly from a basis of adventure； of uncertainty； to one of
fact； of commitment； I am exaggerating my concern in order to define it；
I was able to persuade myself without much difficulty that these little；
cloudy currents in the stream of my joy were due to a natural reaction
from the tremendous strain of the past weeks； mere morbid fancies。
When at length I reached my room at the Club I sat looking out at the
rain falling on the shining pavements under the arc…lights。 Though waves
of heat caused by some sudden recollection or impatient longing still ran
through my body； a saner joy of anticipation was succeeding emotional
tumult； and I reflected that Nancy had been right in insisting that we
walk circumspectly in spite of passion。 After all； I had outwitted
circumstance； I had gained the prize； I could afford to wait a little。
We should talk it over to…morrow；no； to…day。 The luminous face of the
city hall clock reminded me that midnight was long past。。。。
I awoke with the consciousness of a new joy； suddenly to identify it with
Nancy。 She was mine！ I kept repeating it as I dressed； summoning her；
not as she had lain in my arms in the darknessthough the intoxicating
sweetness of that pervaded mebut as she had been before the
completeness of her surrender； dainty； surrounded by things expressing an
elusive； uniquely feminine personality。 I could afford to smile at the
weather； at the obsidian sky； at the rain still falling persistently； and
yet； as I ate my breakfast； I felt a certain impatience to verify what I
knew was a certainty； and hurried to the telephone booth。 I resented the
instrument； its possibilities of betrayal； her voice sounded so matter…
of…fact as she bade me good morning and deplored the rain。
〃I'll be out as soon as I can get away；〃 I said。 〃I have a meeting at
three； but it should be over at four。〃 And then I added irresistibly：
〃Nancy； you're not sorry？ Youyou still？〃
〃Yes； don't be foolish；〃 I heard her reply； and this time the telephone
did not completely disguise the note for which I strained。 I said
something more； but the circuit was closed。。。。
I shall not attempt to recount the details of our intercourse during the
week that followed。 There were moments of stress and strain when it
seemed to me that we could not wait； moments that strengthened Nancy's
resolution to leave immediately for the East： there were other； calmer
periods when the wisdom of her going appealed to me； since our ultimate
union would be hastened thereby。 We overcame by degrees the
distastefulness of the discussion of ways and means。。。。 We spent an
unforgettable Sunday among the distant high hills； beside a little lake
of our own discovery； its glinting waters sapphire and chrysoprase。 A
grassy wood road； at the inviting entrance to which we left the
automobile； led down through an undergrowth of laurel to a pebbly shore；
and there we lunched； there we lingered through the long summer
afternoon； Nancy with her back against a tree； I with my head in her lap
gazing up at filmy clouds drifting imperceptibly across the sky；
listening to the droning notes of the bees； notes that sometimes rose in
a sharp crescendo； and again were suddenly hushed。 The smell of the
wood…mould mingled with the fainter scents of wild flowers。 She had
brought along a volume by a modern poet： the verses； as Nancy read them；
moved me；they were filled with a new faith to which my being responded；
the faith of the forth…farer； not the faith of the anchor； but of the
sail。 I repeated some of the lines as indications of a creed to which I
had long been trying to convert her； though lacking the expression。 She
had let the book fall on the grass。 I remember how she smiled down at me
with the wisdom of the ages in her eyes； seeking my hand with a gesture
that was almost maternal。
〃You and the poets；〃 she said； 〃you never grow up。 I suppose that's the
reason why we love youand these wonderful visions of freedom you have。
Anyway； it's nice to dream； to recreate the world as one would like to
have it。〃
〃But that's what you and I are doing；〃 I insisted。
〃We think we're doing itor rather you think so；〃 she replied。 〃And
sometimes； I admit that you almost persuade me to think so。 Never quite。
What disturbs me；〃 she continued； 〃is to find you and the poets founding
your new freedom on new justifications； discarding the old law only to
make a new one；as though we could ever get away from necessities；
escape from disagreeable things； except in dreams。 And then； this
delusion of believing that we are masters of our own destiny〃 She
paused and pressed my fingers。
〃There you go…back to predestination！〃 I exclaimed。
〃I don't go back to anything； or forward to anything；〃 she exclaimed。
〃Women are elemental； but I don't expect you to understand it。 Laws and
codes are foreign to us； philosophies and dreams may dazzle us for the
moment； but what we feel underneath and what we yield to are the primal
forces； the great necessities； when we refuse joys it's because we know
these forces by a sort of instinct； when we're overcome it's with a full
knowledge that there's a price。 You've talked a great deal； Hugh； about
carving out our future。 I listened to you； but I resisted you。 It
wasn't the morality that was taught me as a child that made me resist； it
was something deeper than that； more fundamental； something I feel but
can't yet perceive； and yet shall perceive some day。 It isn't that I'm
clinging to the hard and fast rules because I fail to see any others； it
isn't that I believe that all people should stick together whether they
are happily married or not； butI must say it even nowI have a feeling
I can't define that divorce isn't for us。 I'm not talking about right
and wrong in the ordinary senseit's just what I feel。 I've ceased to
think。〃
〃Nancy！〃 I reproached her。
〃I can't help itI don't want to be morbid。 Do you remember my asking
you about God？the first day this began？ and whether you had a god？
Well； that's the trouble with us all to…day； we haven't any God； we're
wanderers； drifters。 And now it's just life that's got hold of us； my
dear； and swept us away together。 That's our justificationif we needed
oneit's been too strong for us。〃 She leaned back against the tree and
closed her eyes。 〃We're like chips in the torrent of it； Hugh。〃。。。。
It was not until the shadow of the forest had crept far across the lake
and the darkening waters were still that we rose reluctantly to put the
dishes in the tea basket and start on our homeward journey。 The tawny
fires of the sunset were dying down behind us； the mist stealing；
ghostlike； into the valleys below； in the sky a little moon curled like a
freshly cut silver shaving； that presently turned to gold； the white star
above it to fire。
Where the valleys
