a far country-第83节

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idea　that　she　was　suffering；　that　the　ordeal　was　a　terrible　one　for　her；
and　at　that　moment　there　crowded　into　my　mind；　melting　me；　incident　after
incident　of　our　past。

〃It　seems　to　me　that　we　have　got　along　pretty　well　together；　Maude。　　I
have　been　negligentI'll　admit　it。　　But　I'll　try　to　do　better　in　the
future。　　Andif　you'll　wait　a　month　or　so；　I'll　go　to　Europe　with　you；
and　we'll　have　a　good　time。〃

She　looked　at　me　sadly；pityingly；　I　thought。

〃No；　Hugh；　I've　thought　it　all　out。　　You　really　don't　want　me。　　You　only
say　this　because　you　are　sorry　for　me；　because　you　dislike　to　have　your
feelings　wrung。　　You　needn't　be　sorry　for　me；　I　shall　be　much　happier
away　from　you。〃

〃Think　it　over；　Maude；〃　I　pleaded。　　〃I　shall　miss　you　and　the　children。
I　haven't　paid　much　attention　to　them；　either；　but　I　am　fond　of　them；　and
depend　upon　them；　too。〃

She　shook　her　head。

〃It's　no　use；　Hugh。　　I　tell　you　I've　thought　it　all　out。　　You　don't　care
for　the　children；　you　were　never　meant　to　have　any。〃

〃Aren't　you　rather　severe　in　your　judgments？〃

〃I　don't　think　so；〃　she　answered。　　〃I'm　willing　to　admit　my　faults；　that
I　am　a　failure　so　far　as　you　are　concerned。　　Your　ideas　of　life　and　mine
are　far　apart。〃

〃I　suppose；〃　I　exclaimed　bitterly；　〃that　you　are　referring　to　my
professional　practices。〃

A　note　of　weariness　crept　into　her　voice。　　I　might　have　known　that　she
was　near　the　end　of　her　strength。

〃No；　I　don't　think　it's　that；〃　she　said　dispassionately。　　〃I　prefer　to
put　it　down；　that　part　of　it；　to　a　fundamental　difference　of　ideas。　　I　do
not　feel　qualified　to　sit　in　judgment　on　that　part　of　your　life；　although
I'll　admit　that　many　of　the　things　you　have　done；　in　common　with　the　men
with　whom　you　are　associated；　have　seemed　to　me　unjust　and　inconsiderate
of　the　rights　and　feelings　of　others。　　You　have　alienated　some　of　your
best　friends。　　If　I　were　to　arraign　you　at　all；　it　would　be　on　the　score
of　heartlessness。　　But　I　suppose　it　isn't　your　fault；　that　you　haven't
any　heart。〃

〃That's　unfair；〃　I　put　in。

〃I　don't　wish　to　be　unfair；〃　she　replied。　　〃Only；　since　you　ask　me；　I
have　to　tell　you　that　that　is　the　way　it　seems　to　me。　　I　don't　want　to
introduce　the　question　of　right　and　wrong　into　this；　Hugh；　I'm　not
capable　of　unravelling　it；　I　can't　put　myself　into　your　life；　and　see
things　from　your　point　of　view；　weigh　your　problems　and　difficulties。　　In
the　first　place；　you　won't　let　me。　　I　think　I　understand　you；　partlybut
only　partly。　　You　have　kept　yourself　shut　up。　　But　why　discuss　it？　　I
have　made　up　my　mind。〃

The　legal　aspect　of　the　matter　occurred　to　me。　　What　right　had　she　to
leave　me？　　I　might　refuse　to　support　her。　　Yet　even　as　these　thoughts
came　I　rejected　them；　I　knew　that　it　was　not　in　me　to　press　this　point。
And　she　could　always　take　refuge　with　her　father；　without　the　children；
of　course。　　But　the　very　notion　sickened　me。　　I　could　not　bear　to　think
of　Maude　deprived　of　the　children。　　I　had　seated　myself　again　at　the
table。　　I　put　my　hand　to　my　forehead。

〃Don't　make　it　hard；　Hugh；〃　I　heard　her　say；　gently。　　〃Believe　me；　it　is
best。　　I　know。　　There　won't　be　any　talk　about　it；right　away；　at　any
rate。　　People　will　think　it　natural　that　I　should　wish　to　go　abroad　for
the　summer。　　And　laterwell；　the　point　of　view　about　such　affairs　has
changed。　　They　are　better　understood。〃

She　had　risen。　　She　was　pale；　still　outwardly　composed；but　I　had　a
strange；　hideous　feeling　that　she　was　weeping　inwardly。

〃Aren't　you　coming　backever？〃　I　cried。

She　did　not　answer　at　once。

〃I　don't　know；〃　she　said；　〃I　don't　know；〃　and　left　the　room　abruptly。。。。

I　wanted　to　follow　her；　but　something　withheld　me。　　I　got　up　and　walked
around　the　room　in　a　state　of　mind　that　was　near　to　agony；　taking　one　of
the　neglected　books　out　of　the　shelves；　glancing　at　its　meaningless
print；　and　replacing　it；　I　stirred　the　fire；　opened　the　curtains　and
gazed　out　into　the　street　and　closed　them　again。　　I　looked　around　me；　a
sudden　intensity　of　hatred　seized　me　for　this　big；　silent；　luxurious
house；　I　recalled　Maude's　presentiment　about　it。　　Then；　thinking　I　might
still　dissuade　her；　I　went　slowly　up　the　padded　stairwayto　find　her
door　locked；　and　a　sense　of　the　finality　of　her　decision　came　over　me。　　I
knew　then　that　I　could　not　alter　it　even　were　I　to　go　all　the　lengths　of
abjectness。　　Nor　could　I；　I　knew；　have　brought　myself　to　have　feigned　a
love　I　did　not　feel。

What　was　it　I　felt？　　I　could　not　define　it。　　Amazement；　for　one　thing；
that　Maude　with　her　traditional；　Christian　view　of　marriage　should　have
come　to　such　a　decision。　　I　went　to　my　room；　undressed　mechanically　and
got　into　bed。。。。

She　gave　no　sign　at　the　breakfast　table　of　having　made　the　decision　of
the　greatest　moment　in　our　lives；　she　conversed　as　usual；　asked　about　the
news；　reproved　the　children　for　being　noisy；　and　when　the　children　had
left　the　table　there　were　no　tears；　reminiscences；　recriminations。　　In
spite　of　the　slight　antagonism　and　envy　of　which　I　was　conscious；that
she　was　thus　superbly　in　command　of　the　situation；　that　she　had　developed
her　pinions　and　was　thus　splendidly　able　to　use　them；my　admiration　for
her　had　never　been　greater。　　I　made　an　effort　to　achieve　the　frame　of
mind　she　suggested：　since　she　took　it　so　calmly；　why　should　I　be　tortured
by　the　tragedy　of　it？　　Perhaps　she　had　ceased　to　love　me；　after　all！
Perhaps　she　felt　nothing　but　relief。　　At　any　rate；　I　was　grateful　to　her；
and　I　found　a　certain　consolation；　a　sop　to　my　pride　in　the　reflection
that　the　initiative　must　have　been　hers　to　take。　　I　could　not　have
deserted　her。

〃When　do　you　think　of　leaving？〃　I　asked。

〃Two　weeks　from　Saturday　on　the　Olympic；　if　that　is　convenient　for　you。〃
Her　manner　seemed　one　of　friendly　solicitude。　　〃You　will　remain　in　the
house　this　summer；　as　usual；　I　suppose？〃

〃Yes；〃　I　said。

It　was　a　sunny；　warm　morning；　and　I　went　downtown　in　the　motor　almost
blithely。　　It　was　the　best　solution　after　all；　and　I　had　been　a　fool　to
oppose　it。。。。　　At　the　office；　there　was　much　business　awaiting　me；　yet
once　in　a　while；　during　the　day；　when　the　tension　relaxed；　the
recollection　of　what　had　happened　flowed　back　into　my　consciousness。
Maude　was　going！

I　had　telephoned　Nancy；　making　an　appointment　for　the　afternoon。
Sometimesnot　too　frequentlywe　were　in　the　habit　of　going　out　into　the
country　in　one　of　her　motors；　a　sort　of　landaulet；　I　believe；　in　which　we
were　separated　from　the　chauffeur　by　a　glass　screen。　　She　was　waiting　for
me　when　I　arrived；　at　four；　and　as　soon　as　we　had　shot　clear　of　the　city；
〃Maude　is　going　away；〃　I　told　her。

〃Going　away？〃　she　repeated；　struck　more　by　the　tone　of　my　voice　than　by
what　I　had　said。

〃She　announced　last　night　that　she　was　going　abroad　indefinitely。〃

I　had　been　more　than　anxious　to　see　how　Nancy　would　take　the　news。　　A
flush　gradually　deepened　in　her　cheeks。

〃You　mean　that　she　is　going　to　leave　you？〃

〃It　looks　that　way。　　In　fact；　she　as　much　as　said　so。〃

〃Why？〃　said　Nancy。

〃Well；　she　explained　it　pretty　thoroughly。　　Apparently；　it　isn't　a　sudden
decision；〃　I　replied；　trying　to　choose　my　words；　to　speak　composedly　as　I
repeated　the　gist　of　our　conversation。　　Nancy；　with　her　face　averted；
listened　in　silencea　silence　that　continued　some　time　after　I　had
ceased　to　speak。

〃She　didn'tshe　didn't　mention？〃　the　sentence　remained　unfinished。

〃No；〃　I　said　quickly；　〃she　didn't。　　She　must　know；　of　course；　but　I'm
sure　that　didn't　enter　into　it。〃

Nancy's　eyes　as　they　returned　to　me　were　wet；　and　in　them　was　an
expression　I　had　never　seen　before；of　pain；　reproach；　of　questioning。
It　frightened　me。

〃Oh；　Hugh；　how　little　you　know！〃　she　cried。

〃What　do　you　mean？〃　I　demanded。

〃That　is　what　has　brought　her　to　this　decisionyou　and　I。〃

〃You　mean　thatthat　Maude　loves　me？　　That　she　is　jealous？〃　　I　don't　know
how　I　managed　to　say　it。

〃No　woman　likes　to　think　that　she　is　a　failure；〃　murmured　Nancy。

〃Well；　but　she　isn't　really；〃　I　insisted。　　〃She　could　have　made　another
man　happya　better　man。　　It　was　all　one　of　those　terrible　mistakes　our
modern　life　seems　to　emphasize　so。〃

〃She　is　a　woman；〃　Nancy　said；　with　what　seemed　a　touch　of　vehemence。
〃It's　useless　to　expect　you　to　understand。。。。　　Do　you　remember　what　I
said　to　you　about　her？　　How　I　appealed　to　you　when　you　married　to　try　to
appreciate　her？〃

〃It　wasn't　that　I　didn't　appreciate　her；〃　I　interrupted；　surprised　that
Nancy　should　have　recalled　this；　〃she　isn't　the　woman　for　me；　we　aren't
made　for　each　other。　　It　was　my　mistake；　my　fault；　I　admit；　but　I　don't
agree　with　you　at　all；　that　we　had　anything　to　do　with　her　decision。　　It
is　just　thethe　culmination　of　a　long　period　of　incompatibility。　　She
has　come　to　realize　that　she　has　only　one　life　to　live；　and　she　seems
happier；　more　composed；　more　herself　than　she　has　ever　been　since　our
marriage。　　Of　course　I　don't　mean　to　say　it　isn't　painful　for　her。。。。
But　I　am　sure　she　isn't　well；　that　it　isn't　because　of　our　seeing　one
another；〃　I　concluded　haltingly。

〃She　is　finer　than　either　of　us；　Hugh；far　finer。〃

I　did　not　relish　this　statement。

〃She's　fine；　I　admit。　　But　I　can't　see　how　under