a far country-第80节

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terrible　it　is。〃

〃I　only　know　that　I　want　you　above　everything　else　in　the　worldI'll
take　care　of　you〃

I　seized　her　arms；　I　drew　her　down　to　me。

〃Don't！〃　she　cried。　　〃Oh；　don't！〃　and　struggled　to　her　feet　and　stood
before　me　panting。　　〃You　must　go　away　nowplease；　Hugh。　　I　can't　bear
any　moreI　want　to　think。〃

I　released　her。　　She　sank　into　the　chair　and　hid　her　face　in　her
hands。。。。

As　may　be　imagined；　the　incident　I　have　just　related　threw　my　life　into　a
tangle　that　would　have　floored　a　less　persistent　optimist　and　romanticist
than　myself；　yet　I　became　fairly　accustomed　to　treading　what　the　old
moralists　called　the　devious　paths　of　sin。　　In　my　passion　I　had　not
hesitated　to　lay　down　the　doctrine　that　the　courageous　and　the　strong
took　what　they　wanted；a　doctrine　of　which　I　had　been　a　consistent
disciple　in　the　professional　and　business　realm。　　A　logical　buccaneer；
superman；　〃master　of　life〃　would　promptly　have　extended　this　doctrine　to
the　realm　of　sex。　　Nancy　was　the　mate　for　me；　and　Nancy　and　I；　our
development；　was　all　that　mattered；　especially　my　development。　　Let　every
man　and　woman　look　out　for　his　or　her　development；　and　in　the　end　the
majority　of　people　would　be　happy。　　This　was　going　Adam　Smith　one　better。
When　it　came　to　putting　that　theory　into　practice；　however；　one　needed
convictions：　Nancy　had　been　right　when　she　had　implied　that　convictions
were　precisely　what　we　lacked；　what　our　world　in　general　lacked。　　We　had
desires；　yes　convictions；　no。　　What　we　wanted　we　got　not　by　defying　the
world；　but　by　conforming　to　it：　we　were　ready　to　defy　only　when　our
desires　overcame　the　resistance　of　our　synapses；　and　even　then　not　until
we　should　have　exhausted　every　legal　and　conventional　means。

A　superman　with　a　wife　and　family　he　had　acquired　before　a　great　passion
has　made　him　a　superman　is　in　rather　a　predicament；　especially　if　he　be
one　who　has　achieved　such　superhumanity　as　he　possesses　not　by
challenging　laws　and　conventions；　but　by　getting　around　them。　　My　wife
and　family　loved　me；　and　paradoxically　I　still　had　affection　for　them；　or
thought　I　had。　　But　the　superman　creed　is；　〃be　yourself；　realize
yourself；　no　matter　how　cruel　you　may　have　to　be　in　order　to　do　so。〃　　One
trouble　with　me　was　that　remnants　of　the　Christian　element　of　pity　still
clung　to　me。　　I　would　be　cruel　if　I　had　to；　but　I　hoped　I　shouldn't　have
to：　something　would　turn　up；　something　in　the　nature　of　an　intervening
miracle　that　would　make　it　easy　for　me。　　Perhaps　Maude　would　take　the
initiative　and　relieve　me。。。。　　Nancy　had　appealed　for　a　justifying
doctrine；　and　it　was　just　what　I　didn't　have　and　couldn't　evolve。　　In　the
meanwhile　it　was　quite　in　character　that　I　should　accommodate　myself　to　a
situation　that　might　well　be　called　anomalous。

This　〃accommodation〃　was　not　unaccompanied　by　fever。　　My　longing　to
realize　my　love　for　Nancy　kept　me　in　a　constant　state　of　tensionof
〃nerves〃；　for　our　relationship　had　merely　gone　one　step　farther；　we　had
reached　a　point　where　we　acknowledged　that　we　loved　each　other；　and
paradoxically　halted　there；　Nancy　clung　to　her　demand　for　new　sanctions
with　a　tenacity　that　amazed　and　puzzled　and　often　irritated　me。　　And　yet；
when　I　look　back　upon　it　all；　I　can　see　that　some　of　the　difficulty　lay
with　me：　if　she　had　her　weaknesswhich　she　acknowledgedI　had　mineand
kept　it　to　myself。　　It　was　part　of　my　romantic　nature　not　to　want　to
break　her　down。　　Perhaps　I　loved　the　ideal　better　than　the　woman　herself；
though　that　scarcely　seems　possible。

We　saw　each　other　constantly。　　And　though　we　had　instinctively　begun　to
be　careful；　I　imagine　there　was　some　talk　among　our　acquaintances。　　It　is
to　be　noted　that　the　gossip　never　became　riotous；　for　we　had　always　been
friends；　and　Nancy　had　a　saving　reputation　for　coldness。　　It　seemed
incredible　that　Maude　had　not　discovered　my　secret；　but　if　she　knew　of
it；　she　gave　no　sign　of　her　knowledge。　　Often；　as　I　looked　at　her；　I
wished　she　would。　　I　can　think　of　no　more　expressive　sentence　in　regard
to　her　than　the　trite　one　that　she　pursued　the　even　tenor　of　her　way；　and
I　found　the　very　perfection　of　her　wifehood　exasperating。　　Our
relationship　would；　I　thought；　have　been　more　endurable　if　we　had
quarrelled。　　And　yet　we　had　grown　as　far　apart；　in　that　big　house；　as
though　we　had　been　separated　by　a　continent；　I　lived　in　my　apartments；
she　in　hers；　she　consulted　me　about　dinner　parties　and　invitations；　for；
since　we　had　moved　to　Grant　Avenue；　we　entertained　and　went　out　more　than
before。　　It　seemed　as　though　she　were　making　every　effort　consistent　with
her　integrity　and　self…respect　to　please　me。　　Outwardly　she　conformed　to
the　mould；　but　I　had　long　been　aware　that　inwardly　a　person　had
developed。　　It　had　not　been　a　spontaneous　development；　but　one　in
resistance　to　pressure；　and　was　probably　all　the　stronger　for　that
reason。　　At　times　her　will　revealed　itself　in　astonishing　and　unexpected
flashes；　as　when　once　she　announced　that　she　was　going　to　change
Matthew's　school。

〃He's　old　enough　to　go　to　boarding…school；〃　I　said。　　〃I'll　look　up　a
place　for　him。〃

〃I　don't　wish　him　to　go　to　boarding…school　yet；　Hugh；〃　she　said　quietly。

〃But　that's　just　what　he　needs；〃　I　objected。　　〃He　ought　to　have　the
rubbing…up　against　other　boys　that　boarding…school　will　give　him。
Matthew　is　timid；　he　should　have　learned　to　take　care　of　himself。　　And　he
will　make　friendships　that　will　help　him　in　a　larger　school。〃

〃I　don't　intend　to　send　him；〃　Maude　said。

〃But　if　I　think　it　wise？〃

〃You　ought　to　have　begun　to　consider　such　things　many　years　ago。　　You
have　always　been　toobusy　to　think　of　the　children。　　You　have　left　them
to　me。　　I　am　doing　the　best　I　can　with　them。〃

〃But　a　man　should　have　something　to　say　about　boys。　　He　understands
them。〃

〃You　should　have　thought　of　that　before。〃

〃They　haven't　been　old　enough。〃

〃If　you　had　taken　your　share　of　responsibility　for　them；　I　would　listen
to　you。〃

〃Maude！〃　I　exclaimed　reproachfully。

〃No；　Hugh；〃　she　went　on；　〃you　have　been　too　busymaking　money。　　You　have
left　them　tome。　　It　is　my　task　to　see　that　the　money　they　are　to　inherit
doesn't　ruin　them。〃

〃You　talk　as　though　it　were　a　great　fortune；〃　I　said。

But　I　did　not　press　the　matter。　　I　had　a　presentiment　that　to　press　it
might　lead　to　unpleasant　results。

It　was　this　sense　of　not　being　free；　of　having　gained　everything　but
freedom　that　was　at　times　galling　in　the　extreme：　this　sense　of　living
with　a　woman　for　whom　I　had　long　ceased　to　care；　a　woman　with　a　baffling
will　concealed　beneath　an　unruffled　and　serene　exterior。　　At　moments　I
looked　at　her　across　the　table；　she　did　not　seem　to　have　aged　much：　her
complexion　was　as　fresh；　apparently；　as　the　day　when　I　had　first　walked
with　her　in　the　garden　at　Elkington；　her　hair　the　same　wonderful　colour；
perhaps　she　had　grown　a　little　stouter。　　There　could　be　no　doubt　about
the　fact　that　her　chin　was　firmer；　that　certain　lines　had　come　into　her
face　indicative　of　what　is　called　character。　　Beneath　her　pliability　she
was　now　all　firmness；　the　pliability　had　become　a　mockery。　　It　cannot　be
said　that　I　went　so　far　as　to　hate　her　for　this；when　it　was　in　my
mind；but　my　feelings　were　of　a　strong　antipathy。　　And　then　again　there
were　rare　moments　when　I　was　inexplicably　drawn　to　her；　not　by　love　and
passion；　I　melted　a　little　in　pity；　perhaps；　when　my　eyes　were　opened　and
I　saw　the　tragedy；　yet　I　am　not　referring　now　to　such　feelings　as　these。
I　am　speaking　of　the　times　when　I　beheld　her　as　the　blameless　companion
of　the　years；　the　mother　of　my　children；　the　woman　I　was　used　to　and
shouldby　all　canons　I　had　knownhave　loved。。。。

And　there　were　the　children。　　Days　and　weeks　passed　when　I　scarcely　saw
them；　and　then　some　little　incident　would　happen　to　give　me　an　unexpected
wrench　and　plunge　me　into　unhappiness。　　One　evening　I　came　home　from　a
long　talk　with　Nancy　that　had　left　us　both　wrought　up；　and　I　had　entered
the　library　before　I　heard　voices。　　Maude　was　seated　under　the　lamp　at
the　end　of　the　big　room　reading　from　〃Don　Quixote〃；　Matthew　and　Biddy
were　at　her　feet；　and　Moreton；　less　attentive；　at　a　little　distance　was
taking　apart　a　mechanical　toy。　　I　would　have　tiptoed　out；　but　Biddy
caught　sight　of　me。

〃It's　father！〃　she　cried；　getting　up　and　flying　to　me。

〃Oh；　father；　do　come　and　listen！　　The　story's　so　exciting；　isn't　it；
Matthew？〃

I　looked　down　into　the　boy's　eyes　shining　with　an　expression　that
suddenly　pierced　my　heart　with　a　poignant　memory　of　myself。　　Matthew　was
far　away　among　the　mountains　and　castles　of　Spain。

〃Matthew；〃　demanded　his　sister；　〃why　did　he　want　to　go　fighting　with　all
those　people？〃

〃Because　he　was　dotty；〃　supplied　Moreton；　who　had　an　interesting　habit　of
picking　up　slang。

〃It　wasn't　at　all；〃　cried　Matthew；　indignantly；　interrupting　Maude's
rebuke　of　his　brother。

〃What　was　it；　then？〃　Moreton　demanded。

〃You　wouldn't　understand　if　I　told　you；〃　Matthew　was　retorting；　when
Maude　put　her　hand　on　his　lips。

〃I　think　that's　enough　for　to…night；〃　she　said；　as　she　closed　the　book。
〃There　are　lessons　to　doand　father　wants　to　read　his　newspaper　in
quiet。〃

This　brought　a　protest　fr