a far country-第67节

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age；　we've　reached　the　years　of　discretion；　and　we're　both　too
conventional　to　do　anything　sillyeven　if　we　wanted　towhich　we　don't。
We're　neither　of　us　likely　to　quarrel　with　the　world　as　it　is；　I　think；
and　we　might　as　well　make　fun　of　it　together。　　We'll　begin　with　our
friends。　　What　do　you　think　of　Mr。　Scherer's　palace？〃

〃I　hear　you're　building　it　for　him。〃

〃I　told　him　to　get　Eyre；〃　said　Nancy；　laughingly；　〃I　was　afraid　he'd
repeat　the　Gallatin　Park　monstrosity　on　a　larger　scale；　and　Eyre's　the
only　man　in　this　country　who　understands　the　French。　　It's　been　rather
amusing；〃　she　went　on；　〃I've　had　to　fight　Hilda；　and　she's　no　mean
antagonist。　　How　she　hates　me！　　She　wanted　a　monstrosity；　of　course；　a
modernized　German　rock…grotto　sort　of　an　affair；　I　can　imagine。　　She's
been　so　funny　when　I've　met　her　at　dinner。　　'I　understand　you　take　a
great　interest　in　the　house；　Mrs。　Durrett。'　Can't　you　hear　her？〃

〃Well；　you　did　get　ahead　of　her；〃　I　said。

〃I　had　to。　　I　couldn't　let　our　first　citizen　build　a　modern　Rhine　castle；
could　I？　　I　have　some　public　spirit　left。　　And　besides；　I　expect　to　build
on　Grant　Avenue　myself。〃

〃And　leave　here？〃

〃Oh；　it's　too　grubby；　it's　in　the　slums；〃　said　Nancy。　　〃But　I　really　owe
you　a　debt　of　gratitude；　Hugh；　for　the　Scherers。〃

〃I'm　told　Adolf's　lost　his　head　over　you。〃

〃It's　not　only　over　me；　but　over　everything。　　He's　so　ridiculously　proud
of　being　on　the　board　of　the　Children's　Hospital。。。。　　You　ought　to　hear
him　talking　to　old　Mrs。　Ogilvy；　who　of　course　can't　get　used　to　him　at
all；she　always　has　the　air　of　inquiring　what　he's　doing　in　that　galley。
She　still　thinks　of　him　as　Mr。　Durrett's　foreman。〃

The　time　flew。　　Her　presence　was　like　a　bracing；　tingling　atmosphere　in
which　I　felt　revived　and　exhilarated；　self…restored。　　For　Nancy　did　not
questionshe　took　me　as　I　was。　　We　looked　out　on　the　world；　as　it　were；
from　the　same　window；　and　I　could　not　help　thinking　that　ours；　after　all；
was　a　large　view。　　The　topics　didn't　matterour　conversation　was
fragrant　with　intimacy；　and　we　were　so　close　to　each　other　it　seemed
incredible　that　we　ever　should　be　parted　again。　　At　last　the　little　clock
on　the　mantel　chimed　an　hour；　she　started　and　looked　up。

〃Why；　it's　seven；　Hugh！〃　she　exclaimed；　rising。　　〃I'd　no　idea　it　was　so
late；　and　I'm　dining　with　the　Dickinsons。　　I've　only　just　time　to　dress。〃

〃It's　been　like　a　reunion；　hasn't　it？a　reunion　after　many　years；〃　I
said。　　I　held　her　hand　unconsciouslyshe　seemed　to　be　drawing　me　to　her；
I　thought　she　swayed；　and　a　sudden　dizziness　seized　me。　　Then　she　drew
away　abruptly；　with　a　little　cry。　　I　couldn't　be　sure　about　the　cry；
whether　I　heard　it　or　not；　a　note　was　struck　in　the　very　depths　of　me。

〃Come　in　again；〃　she　said；　〃whenever　you're　not　too　busy。〃　　And　a　minute
later　I　found　myself　on　the　street。

This　was　the　beginning　of　a　new　intimacy　with　Nancy；　resembling　the　old
intimacy　yet　differing　from　it。　　The　emotional　note　of　our　parting　on　the
occasion　I　have　just　related　was　not　again　struck；　and　when　I　went
eagerly　to　see　her　again　a　few　days　later　I　was　conscious　of
limitations；not　too　conscious：　the　freedom　she　offered　and　which　I
gladly　accepted　was　a　large　freedom；　nor　am　I　quite　sure　that　even　I
would　have　wished　it　larger；　though　there　were　naturally　moments　when　I
thought　so：　when　I　asked　myself　what　I　did　wish；　I　found　no　answer。
Though　I　sometimes　chafed；　it　would　have　been　absurd　of　me　to　object　to　a
certain　timidity　or　caution　I　began　to　perceive　in　her　that　had　been
absent　in　the　old　Nancy；　but　the　old　Nancy　had　ceased　to　exist；　and　here
instead　was　a　highly　developed；　highly　specialized　creature　in　whom　I
delighted；　and　after　taking　thought　I　would　not　have　robbed　her　of　fine
acquired　attribute。　　As　she　had　truly　observed；　we　were　both
conventional；　conventionality　was　part　of　the　price　we　had　willingly　paid
for　membership　in　that　rarer　world　we　had　both　achieved。　　It　was　a　world；
to　be　sure；　in　which　we　were　rapidly　learning　to　take　the　law　into　our
own　hands　without　seeming　to　defy　it；　in　order　that　the　fear　of　it　might
remain　in　those　less　fortunately　placed　and　endowed：　we　had　begun　with
the　appropriation　of　the　material　property　of　our　fellow…citizens；　which
we　took　legally；　from　this　point　it　was；　of　course；　merely　a　logical　step
to　takelegally；　too　other　gentlemen's　human　propertytheir　wives；　in
short：　the　more　progressive　East　had　set　us　our　example；　but　as　yet　we
had　been　chary　to　follow　it。

About　this　time　rebellious　voices　were　beginning　to　make　themselves　heard
in　the　literary　wilderness　proclaiming　libertyliberty　of　the　sexes。
There　were　Russian　novels　and　French　novels；　and　pioneer　English　novels
preaching　liberty　with　Nietzschean　stridency；　or　taking　it　for　granted。
I　picked　these　up　on　Nancy's　table。

〃Reading　them？〃　she　said；　in　answer　to　my　query。　　〃Of　course　I'm　reading
them。　　I　want　to　know　what　these　clever　people　are　thinking；　even　if　I
don't　always　agree　with　them；　and　you　ought　to　read　them　too。　　It's　quite
true　what　foreigners　say　about　our　men；that　they　live　in　a　groove；　that
they　haven't　any　range　of　conversation。〃

〃I'm　quite　willing　to　be　educated；〃　I　replied。　　〃I　haven't　a　doubt　that　I
need　it。〃

She　was　leaning　back　in　her　chair；　her　hands　behind　her　head；　a　posture
she　often　assumed。　　She　looked　up　at　me　amusedly。

〃I'll　acknowledge　that　you're　more　teachable　than　most　of　them；〃　she
said。　　〃Do　you　know；　Hugh；　sometimes　you　puzzle　me　greatly。　　When　you　are
here　and　we're　talking　together　I　can　never　think　of　you　as　you　are　out
in　the　world；　fighting　for　powerand　getting　it。　　I　suppose　it's　part　of
your　charm；　that　there　is　that　side　of　you；　but　I　never　consciously
realize　it。　　You're　what　they　call　a　dual　personality。〃

〃That's　a　pretty　hard　name！〃　I　exclaimed。

She　laughed。

〃I　can't　help　ityou　are。　　Oh；　not　disagreeably　so；　quite　normally
that's　the　odd　thing　about　you。　　Sometimes　I　believe　that　you　were　made
for　something　different；　that　in　spite　of　your　success　you　have　missed
your　'metier。'〃

〃What　ought　I　to　have　been？〃

〃How　can　I　tell？　　A　Goethe；　perhapsa　Goethe　smothered　by　a　twentieth…
century　environment。　　Your　love　of　adventure　isn't　dead；　it's　been　merely
misdirected；　real　adventure；　I　mean；　forth　faring；　straying　into　unknown
paths。　　Perhaps　you　haven't　yet　found　yourself。〃

〃How　uncanny！〃　I　said；　stirred　and　startled。

〃You　have　a　taste　for　literature；　you　know；　though　you've　buried　it。
Give　me　Turgeniev。　　We'll　begin　with　him。。。。〃

Her　reading　and　the　talks　that　followed　it　were　exciting；　amazingly
stimulating。。。。　　Once　Nancy　gave　me　an　amusing　account　of　a　debate　which
had　taken　place　in　the　newly　organized　woman's　discussion　club　to　which
she　belonged　over　a　rather　daring　book　by　an　English　novelist。　　Mrs。
Dickinson　had　revolted。

〃No；　she　wasn't　really　shocked；　not　in　the　way　she　thought　she　was；〃　said
Nancy；　in　answer　to　a　query　of　mine。

〃How　was　she　shocked；　then？〃

〃As　you　and　I　are　shocked。〃

〃But　I'm　not　shocked；〃　I　protested。

〃Oh；　yes；　you　are；　and　so　am　Inot　on　the　moral　side；　nor　is　it　the
moral　aspect　that　troubles　Lula　Dickinson。　　She　thinks　it's　the　moral
aspect；　but　it's　really　the　revolutionary　aspect；　the　menace　to　those
precious　institutions　from　which　we　derive　our　privileges　and　comforts。〃

I　considered　this；　and　laughed。

〃What's　the　use　of　being　a　humbug　about　it；〃　said　Nancy。

〃But　you're　talking　like　a　revolutionary；〃　I　said。

〃I　may　be　talking　like　one；　but　I'm　not　one。　　I　once　had　the　makings　of
oneof　a　good　one；a　'proper'　one；　as　the　English　would　say。〃　　She
sighed。

〃You　regret　it？〃　I　asked　curiously。

〃Of　course　I　regret　it！〃　she　cried。　　〃What　woman　worth　her　salt　doesn't
regret　it；　doesn't　want　to　live；　even　if　she　has　to　suffer　for　it？　　And
those　peoplethe　revolutionaries；　I　mean；　the　rebelsthey　live；　they're
the　only　ones　who　do　live。　　The　rest　of　us　degenerate　in　a　painless
paralysis　we　think　of　as　pleasure。　　Look　at　me！　　I'm　incapable　of
committing　a　single　original　act；　even　though　I　might　conceive　one。
Well；　there　was　a　time　when　I　should　have　been　equal　to　anything　and
wouldn't　have　cared　aa　damn。〃

I　believed　her。。。。

I　fell　into　the　habit　of　dropping　in　on　Nancy　at　least　twice　a　week　on　my
way　from　the　office；　and　I　met　her　occasionally　at　other　houses。　　I　did
not　tell　Maude　of　that　first　impulsive　visit；　but　one　evening　a　few　weeks
later　she　asked　me　where　I　had　been；　and　when　I　told　her　she　made　no
comment。　　I　came　presently　to　the　conclusion　that　this　renewed　intimacy
did　not　trouble　herwhich　was　what　I　wished　to　believe。　　Of　course　I　had
gone　to　Nancy　for　a　stimulation　I　failed　to　get　at　home；　and　it　is　the
more　extraordinary；　therefore；　that　I　did　not　become　more　discontented
and　restless：　I　suppose　this　was　because　I　had　grown　to　regard　marriage
as　most　of　the　world　regarded　it；　as　something　inevitable　and　humdrum；　as
a　kind　of　habit　it　is　useless　to　try　to　shake　off。　　But　life　is　so　full
of　complexities　and　anomalies　that　I　still　had　a　real　affection　for
Maude；　and　I　liked　her　the　more　because　she　didn't　expect　too　much　of　me；
and　because　she　didn't　complain　of　my　friendshi