a far country-第40节

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my　affairs；　which　she　had　so　long　avoided　or　ignored。　　〃You　are　getting
what　you　have　always　wanted；　aren't　you？〃

I　wondered　in　some　trepidation　whether　by　that　word　〃always〃　she　was
making　a　deliberate　reference　to　the　past。

〃Always？〃　I　repeated；　rather　fatuously。

〃Nearly　always；　ever　since　you　have　been　a　man。〃

I　was　incapable　of　taking　advantage　of　the　opening；　if　it　were　one。　　She
was　baffling。

〃A　man　likes　to　succeed　in　his　profession；　of　course；〃　I　said。

〃And　you　made　up　your　mind　to　succeed　more　deliberately　than　most　men。　　I
needn't　ask　you　if　you　are　satisfied；　Hugh。　　Success　seems　to　agree　with
you；although　I　imagine　you　will　never　be　satisfied。〃

〃Why　do　you　say　that？〃　I　demanded。

〃I　haven't　known　you　all　your　life　for　nothing。　　I　think　I　know　you　much
better　than　you　know　yourself。〃

〃You　haven't　acted　as　if　you　did；〃　I　exclaimed。

She　smiled。

〃Have　you　been　interested　in　what　I　thought　about　you？〃　she　asked。

〃That　isn't　quite　fair；　Nancy；〃　I　protested。　　〃You　haven't　given　me　much
evidence　that　you　did　think　about　me。〃

〃Have　I　received　much　encouragement　to　do　so？〃　she　inquired。

〃But　you　haven't　seemed　to　inviteyou've　kept　me　at　arm's　length。〃

〃Oh；　don't　fence！〃　she　cried；　rather　sharply。

I　had　become　agitated；　but　her　next　words　gave　me　a　shock　that　was
momentarily　paralyzing。

〃I　asked　you　to　come　here　to…day；　Hugh；　because　I　wished　you　to　know　that
I　have　made　up　my　mind　to　marry　Hambleton　Durrett。〃

〃Hambleton　Durrett！〃　I　echoed　stupidly。　　〃Hambleton　Durrett！〃

〃Why　not？〃

〃Have　youhave　you　accepted　him？〃

〃No。　　But　I　mean　to　do　so。〃

〃Youyou　love　him？〃

〃I　don't　see　what　right　you　have　to　ask。〃

〃But　you　just　said　that　you　invited　me　here　to　talk　frankly。〃

〃No；　I　don't　love　him。〃

〃Then　why；　in　heaven's　name；　are　you　going　to　marry　him？〃

She　lay　back　in　her　chair；　regarding　me；　her　lips　slightly　parted。　　All
at　once　the　full　flavour　of　her；　the　superfine　quality　was　revealed　after
years　of　blindness。Nor　can　I　describe　the　sudden　rebellion；　the
revulsion　that　I　experienced。　　Hambleton　Durrett！　　It　was　an　outrage；　a
sacrilege！　　I　got　up；　and　put　my　hand　on　the　mantel。　　Nancy　remained
motionless；　inert；　her　head　lying　back　against　the　chair。　　Could　it　be
that　she　were　enjoying　my　discomfiture？　　There　is　no　need　to　confess　that
I　knew　next　to　nothing　of　women；　had　I　been　less　excited；　I　might　have
made　the　discovery　that　I　still　regarded　them　sentimentally。　　Certain
romantic　axioms　concerning　them；　garnered　from　Victorian　literature；
passed　current　in　my　mind　for　wisdom；　and　one　of　these　declared　that　they
were　prone　to　remain　true　to　an　early　love。　　Did　Nancy　still　care　for　me？
The　query；　coming　as　it　did　on　top　of　my　emotion；　brought　with　it　a
strange　and　overwhelming　perplexity。　　Did　I　really　care　for　her？　　The
many　years　during　which　I　had　practised　the　habit　of　caution　began　to
exert　an　inhibiting　pressure。　　Here　was　a　situation；　an　opportunity
suddenly　thrust　upon　me　which　might　never　return；　and　which　I　was　utterly
unprepared　to　meet。　　Would　I　be　happy　with　Nancy；　after　all？　　Her
expression　was　still　enigmatic。

〃Why　shouldn't　I　marry　him？〃　she　demanded。

〃Because　he's　not　good　enough　for　you。〃

〃Good！〃　she　exclaimed；　and　laughed。　　〃He　loves　me。　　He　wants　me　without
reservation　or　calculation。〃　　There　was　a　sting　in　this。　　〃And　is　he　any
worse；〃　she　asked　slowly；　〃than　many　others　who　might　be　mentioned？〃

〃No；〃　I　agreed。　　I　did　not　intend　to　be　led　into　the　thankless　and
disagreeable　position　of　condemning　Hambleton　Durrett。　　〃But　why　have　you
waited　all　these　years　if　you　did　not　mean　to　marry　a　man　of　ability；　a
man　who　has　made　something　of　himself？〃

〃A　man　like　you；　Hugh？〃　she　said　gently。

I　flushed。

〃That　isn't　quite　fair；　Nancy。〃

〃What　are　you　working　for？〃　she　suddenly　inquired；　straightening　up。

〃What　any　man　works　for；　I　suppose。〃

〃Ah；　there　you　have　hit　it；what　any　man　works　for　in　our　world。
Power；personal　power。　　You　want　to　be　somebody；isn't　that　it？　　Not
the　noblest　ambition；　you'll　have　to　admit；not　the　kind　of　thing　we
used　to　dream　about；　when　we　did　dream。　　Well；　when　we　find　we　can't
realize　our　dreams；　we　take　the　next　best　thing。　　And　I　fail　to　see　why
you　should　blame　me　for　taking　it　when　you　yourself　have　taken　it。
Hambleton　Durrett　can　give　it　to　me。　　He'll　accept　me　on　my　own　terms；　he
won't　interfere　with　me；　I　shan't　be　disillusionized；and　I　shall　have　a
position　which　I　could　not　hope　to　have　if　I　remained　unmarried；　a　very
marked　position　as　Hambleton　Durrett's　wife。　　I　am　thirty；　you　know。〃

Her　frankness　appalled　me。

〃The　trouble　with　you；　Hugh；　is　that　you　still　deceive　yourself。　　You
throw　a　glamour　over　things。　　You　want　to　keep　your　cake　and　eat　it　too。

〃I　don't　see　why　you　say　that。　　And　marriage　especially〃

She　took　me　up。

〃Marriage！　　What　other　career　is　open　to　a　woman？　　Unless　she　is　married；
and　married　well；　according　to　the　money　standard　you　men　have　set　up；
she　is　nobody。　　We　can't　all　be　Florence　Nightingales；　and　I　am　unable　to
imagine　myself　a　Julia　Ward　Howe　or　a　Harriet　Beecher　Stowe。　　What　is
left？　　Nothing　but　marriage。　　I'm　hard　and　cynical；　you　will　say；　but　I
have　thought；　and　I'm　not　afraid；　as　I　have　told　you；　to　look　things　in
the　face。　　There　are　very　few　women；　I　think；　who　would　not　take　the　real
thing　if　they　had　the　chance　before　it　were　too　late；　who　wouldn't　be
willing　to　do　their　own　cooking　in　order　to　get　it。〃

She　fell　silent　suddenly。　　I　began　to　pace　the　room。

〃For　God's　sake；　don't　do　this；　Nancy！〃　I　begged。

But　she　continued　to　stare　into　the　fire；　as　though　she　had　not　heard　me。

〃If　you　had　made　up　your　mind　to　do　it；　why　did　you　tell　me？〃　I　asked。

〃Sentiment；　I　suppose。　　I　am　paying　a　tribute　to　what　I　once　was；　to　what
you　once　were；〃　she　said。　　Aa　sort　of　good…bye　to　sentiment。〃

〃Nancy！〃　I　said　hoarsely。

She　shook　her　head。

〃No；　Hugh。　　Surely　you　can't　misjudge　me　so！〃　she　answered　reproachfully。
〃Do　you　think　I　should　have　sent　for　you　if　I　had　meantthat！〃

〃No；　no；　I　didn't　think　so。　　But　why　not？　　Youyou　cared　once；　and　you
tell　me　plainly　you　don't　love　him。　　It　was　all　a　terrible　mistake。　　We
were　meant　for　each　other。〃

〃I　did　love　you　then；〃　she　said。　　〃You　never　knew　how　much。　　And　there　is
nothing　I　wouldn't　give　to　bring　it　all　back　again。　　But　I　can't。　　It's
gone。　　You're　gone；　and　I'm　gone。　　I　mean　what　we　were。　　Oh；　why　did　you
change？〃

〃It　was　you　who　changed；〃　I　declared；　bewildered。

〃Couldn't　you　seecan't　you　see　now　what　you　did？　　But　perhaps　you
couldn't　help　it。　　Perhaps　it　was　just　you；　after　all。〃

〃What　I　did？〃

〃Why　couldn't　you　have　held　fast　to　your　faith？　　If　you　had；　you　would
have　known　what　it　was　I　adored　in　you。　　Oh；　I　don't　mind　telling　you
now；　it　was　just　that　faith；　Hugh；　that　faith　you　had　in　life；　that　faith
you　had　in　me。　　You　weren't　cynical　and　calculating；　like　Ralph
Hambleton；　you　had　imagination。　　II　dreamed；　too。　　And　do　you　remember
the　time　when　you　made　the　boat；　and　we　went　to　Logan's　Pond；　and　you
sank　in　her？〃

〃And　you　stayed；〃　I　went　on；　〃when　all　the　others　ran　away？　　You　ran　down
the　hill　like　a　whirlwind。〃

She　laughed。

〃And　then　you　came　here　one　day；　to　a　party；　and　said　you　were　going　to
Harvard；　and　quarrelled　with　me。〃

〃Why　did　you　doubt　met〃　I　asked　agitatedly。　　〃Why　didn't　you　let　me　see
that　you　still　cared？〃

〃Because　that　wasn't　you；　Hugh；　that　wasn't　your　real　self。　　Do　you
suppose　it　mattered　to　me　whether　you　went　to　Harvard　with　the　others？
Oh；　I　was　foolish　too；　I　know。　　I　shouldn't　have　said　what　I　did。　　But
what　is　the　use　of　regrets？〃　she　exclaimed。　　〃We've　both　run　after　the
practical　gods；　and　the　others　have　hidden　their　faces　from　us。　　It　may
be　that　we　are　not　to　blame；　either　of　us；　that　the　practical　gods　are
too　strong。　　We've　learned　to　love　and　worship　them；　and　now　we　can't　do
without　them。〃

〃We　can　try；　Nancy；〃　I　pleaded。

〃No；〃　she　answered　in　a　low　voice；　〃that's　the　difference　between　you　and
me。　　I　know　myself　better　than　you　know　yourself；　and　I　know　you　better。〃
She　smiled　again。　　〃Unless　we　could　have　it　all　back　again；　I　shouldn't
want　any　of　it。　　You　do　not　love　me〃

I　started　once　more　to　protest。

〃No；　no；　don't　say　it！〃　she　cried。

〃You　may　think　you　do；　just　this　moment；　but　it's　only　becauseyou've
been　moved。　　And　what　you　believe　you　want　isn't　me；　it's　what　I　was。
But　I'm　not　that　any　more；I'm　simply　recalling　that；　don't　you　see？
And　even　then　you　wouldn't　wish　me；　now；　as　I　was。　　That　sounds　involved；
but　you　must　understand。　　You　want　a　woman　who　will　be　wrapped　up　in　your
career；　Hugh；　and　yet　who　will　not　share　it；who　will　devote　herself
body　and　soul　to　what　you　have　become。　　A　woman　whom　you　can　shape。　　And
you　won't　really　love　her；　but　only　just　so　much　of　her　as　may　become　the
incarnation　of　you。　　Well；　I'm　not　that　kind　of　woman。　　I　might　have
been；　had　you　been　different。　　I'm　not　at　all　sure。　　Certainly　I'm　not
that　kind　now；　even　though　I　know　in　my　heart　that　the　sort　of　career　you
have　made　for　yourself；　and　that　I　intend　to　make　for　myself　is　all
dross。　　But　now　I　can't　do