a far country-第13节

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would　have　thought　unbelievable：　she　began　to　show　a　marked　preference
for　Ralph　Hambleton。　　At　first　I　regarded　this　affair　as　the　most　obvious
of　retaliations。　　She；　likewise；　had　pride。　　Gradually；　however；　a
feeling　of　uneasiness　crept　over　me：　as　pretence；　her　performance　was
altogether　too　realistic；　she　threw　her　whole　soul　into　it；　danced　with
Ralph　as　often　as　she　had　ever　danced　with　me；　took　walks　with　him；
deferred　to　his　opinions　until；　in　spite　of　myself；　I　became　convinced
that　the　preference　was　genuine。　　I　was　a　curious　mixture　of　self…
confidence　and　self…depreciation；　and　never　had　his　superiority　seemed
more　patent　than　now。　　His　air　of　satisfaction　was　maddening。

How　well　I　remember　his　triumph　on　that　hot；　June　morning　of　our
graduation　from　Densmore；　a　triumph　he　had　apparently　achieved　without
labour；　and　which　he　seemed　to　despise。　　A　fitful　breeze　blew　through　the
chapel　at　the　top　of　the　building；　we；　the　graduates；　sat　in　two　rows
next　to　the　platform；　and　behind　us　the　wooden　benches　nicked　by　many
kniveswere　filled　with　sisters　and　mothers　and　fathers；　some　anxious；
some　proud　and　some　sad。　　So　brief　a　span；　like　that　summer's　day；　and
youth　was　gone！　　Would　the　time　come　when　we；　too；　should　sit　by　the
waters　of　Babylon　and　sigh　for　it？　　The　world　was　upside　down。

We　read　the　one　hundred　and　third　psalm。　　Then　Principal　Haime；　in　his
long　〃Prince　Albert〃　and　a　ridiculously　inadequate　collar　that　emphasized
his　scrawny　neck；　reminded　us　of　the　sacred　associations　we　had　formed；
of　the　peculiar　responsibilities　that　rested　on　us；　who　were　the
privileged　of　the　city。　　〃We　had　crossed　to…day；〃　he　said；　〃an　invisible
threshold。　　Some　were　to　go　on　to　higher　institutions　of　learning。
Others。。。〃　　I　gulped。　　Quoting　the　Scriptures；　he　complimented　those　who
had　made　the　most　of　their　opportunities。　　And　it　was　then　that　he　called
out；　impressively；　the　name　of　Ralph　Forrester　Hambleton。　　Summa　cum
laude！　　Suddenly　I　was　seized　with　passionate；　vehement　regrets　at　the
sound　of　the　applause。　　I　might　have　been　the　prize　scholar；　instead　of
Ralph；　if　I　had　only　worked；　if　I　had　only　realized　what　this　focussing
day　of　graduation　meant！　　I　might　have　been　a　marked　individual；　with
people　murmuring　words　of　admiration；　of　speculation　concerning　the
brilliancy　of　my　future！。。。　　When　at　last　my　name　was　called　and　I　rose
to　receive　my　diploma　it　seemed　as　though　my　incompetency　had　been
proclaimed　to　the　world。。。

That　evening　I　stood　in　the　narrow　gallery　of　the　flag…decked　gymnasium
and　watched　Nancy　dancing　with　Ralph。

I　let　her　go　without　protest　or　reproach。　　A　mysterious　lesion　seemed　to
have　taken　place；　I　felt　astonished　and　relieved；　yet　I　was　heavy　with
sadness。　　My　emancipation　had　been　bought　at　a　price。　　Something　hitherto
spontaneous；　warm　and　living　was　withering　within　me。




V。

It　was　true　to　my　father's　character　that　he　should　have　waited　until　the
day　after　graduation　to　discuss　my　future；　if　discussion　be　the　proper
word。　　The　next　evening　at　supper　he　informed　me　that　he　wished　to　talk
to　me　in　the　sitting…room；　whither　I　followed　him　with　a　sinking　heart。
He　seated　himself　at　his　desk；　and　sat　for　a　moment　gazing　at　me　with　a
curious　and　benumbing　expression；　and　then　the　blow　fell。

〃Hugh；　I　have　spoken　to　your　Cousin　Robert　Breck　about　you；　and　he　has
kindly　consented　to　give　you　a　trial。〃

〃To　give　me　a　trial；　sir！〃　I　exclaimed。

〃To　employ　you　at　a　small　but　reasonable　salary。〃

I　could　find　no　words　to　express　my　dismay。　　My　dreams　had　come　to　this；
that　I　was　to　be　made　a　clerk　in　a　grocery　store！　　The　fact　that　it　was　a
wholesale　grocery　store　was　little　consolation。

〃But　father；〃　I　faltered；　〃I　don't　want　to　go　into　business。〃

〃Ah！〃　　The　sharpness　of　the　exclamation　might　have　betrayed　to　me　the
pain　in　which　he　was；　but　he　recovered　himself　instantly。　　And　I　could
see　nothing　but　an　inexorable　justice　closing　in　on　me　mechanically；　a
blind　justice；　in　its　inability　to　read　my　soul。　　〃The　time　to　have
decided　that；〃　he　declared；　〃was　some　years　ago；　my　son。　　I　have　given
you　the　best　schooling　a　boy　can　have；　and　you　have　not　shown　the　least
appreciation　of　your　advantages。　　I　do　not　enjoy　saying　this；　Hugh；　but
in　spite　of　all　my　efforts　and　of　those　of　your　mother；　you　have　remained
undeveloped　and　irresponsible。　　My　hope；　as　you　know；　was　to　have　made
you　a　professional　man；　a　lawyer；　and　to　take　you　into　my　office。　　My
father　and　grandfather　were　professional　men　before　me。　　But　you　are
wholly　lacking　in　ambition。〃

And　I　had　burned　with　it　all　my　life！

〃I　have　ambition；〃　I　cried；　the　tears　forcing　themselves　to　my　eyes。

〃Ambitionfor　what；　my　son？〃

I　hesitated。　　How　could　I　tell　him　that　my　longings　to　do　something；　to
be　somebody　in　the　world　were　never　more　keen　than　at　that　moment？
Matthew　Arnold　had　not　then　written　his　definition　of　God　as　the　stream
of　tendency　by　which　we　fulfil　the　laws　of　our　being；　and　my　father；　at
any　rate；　would　not　have　acquiesced　in　the　definition。　　Dimly　but
passionately　I　felt　then；　as　I　had　always　felt；　that　I　had　a　mission　to
perform；　a　service　to　do　which　ultimately　would　be　revealed　to　me。　　But
the　hopelessness　of　explaining　this　took　on；　now；　the　proportions　of　a
tragedy。　　And　I　could　only　gaze　at　him。

〃What　kind　of　ambition；　Hugh？〃　he　repeated　sadly。

〃II　have　sometimes　thought　I　could　write；　sir；　if　I　had　a　chance。　　I
like　it　better　than　anything　else。　　II　have　tried　it。　　And　if　I　could
only　go　to　college〃

〃Literature！〃　　There　was　in　his　voice　a　scandalized　note。

〃Why　not；　father？〃　I　asked　weakly。

And　now　it　was　he　who；　for　the　first　time；　seemed　to　be　at　a　loss　to
express　himself。　　He　turned　in　his　chair；　and　with　a　sweep　of　the　hand
indicated　the　long　rows　of　musty…backed　volumes。　　〃Here；〃　he　said；　〃you
have　had　at　your　disposal　as　well…assorted　a　small　library　as　the　city
contains；　and　you　have　not　availed　yourself　of　it。　　Yet　you　talk　to　me　of
literature　as　a　profession。　　I　am　afraid；　Hugh；　that　this　is　merely
another　indication　of　your　desire　to　shun　hard　work；　and　I　must　tell　you
frankly　that　I　fail　to　see　in　you　the　least　qualification　for　such　a
career。　　You　have　not　even　inherited　my　taste　for　books。　　I　venture　to
say；　for　instance；　that　you　have　never　even　read　a　paragraph　of　Plutarch；
and　yet　when　I　was　your　age　I　was　completely　familiar　with　the　Lives。
You　will　not　read　Scott　or　Dickens。〃

The　impeachment　was　not　to　be　denied；　for　the　classics　were　hateful　to
me。　　Naturally　I　was　afraid　to　make　such　a　damning　admission。　　My　father
had　succeeded　in　presenting　my　ambition　as　the　height　of　absurdity　and
presumption；　and　with　something　of　the　despair　of　a　shipwrecked　mariner
my　eyes　rested　on　the　green　expanses　of　those　book…backs；　Bohn's　Standard
Library！　　Nor　did　it　occur　to　him　or　to　me　that　one　might　be　great　in
literature　without　having　read　so　much　as　a　gritty　page　of　them。。。。

He　finished　his　argument　by　reminding　me　that　worthless　persons　sought　to
enter　the　arts　in　the　search　for　a　fool's　paradise；　and　in　order　to
satisfy　a　reprehensible　craving　for　notoriety。　　The　implication　was
clear；　that　imaginative　production　could　not　be　classed　as　hard　work。
And　he　assured　me　that　literature　was　a　profession　in　which　no　one　could
afford　to　be　second　class。　　A　Longfellow；　a　Harriet　Beecher　Stowe；　or
nothing。　　This　was　a　practical　age　and　a　practical　country。　　We　had
indeed　produced　Irvings　and　Hawthornes；　but　the　future　of　American
letters　was；　to　say　the　least；　problematical。　　We　were　a　utilitarian
people　who　would　never　create　a　great　literature；　and　he　reminded　me　that
the　days　of　the　romantic　and　the　picturesque　had　passed。　　He　gathered
that　I　desired　to　be　a　novelist。　　Well；　novelists；　with　certain
exceptions；　were　fantastic　fellows　who　blew　iridescent　soap…bubbles　and
who　had　no　morals。　　In　the　face　of　such　a　philosophy　as　his　I　was　mute。
The　world　appeared　a　dreary　place　of　musty　offices　and　smoky　steel…works；
of　coal　dust；　of　labour　without　a　spark　of　inspiration。　　And　that　other；
the　world　of　my　dreams；　simply　did　not　exist。

Incidentally　my　father　had　condemned　Cousin　Robert's　wholesale　grocery
business　as　a　refuge　of　the　lesser　of　intellect　that　could　not　achieve
the　professions；an　inference　not　calculated　to　stir　my　ambition　and
liking　for　it　at　the　start。

I　began　my　business　career　on　the　following　Monday　morning。　　At
breakfast；　held　earlier　than　usual　on　my　account；　my　mother's　sympathy
was　the　more　eloquent　for　being　unspoken；　while　my　father　wore　an　air　of
unwonted　cheerfulness；　charging　me；　when　I　departed；　to　give　his　kindest
remembrances　to　my　Cousin　Robert　Breck。　　With　a　sense　of　martyrdom
somehow　deepened　by　this　attitude　of　my　parents　I　boarded　a　horse…car　and
went　down　town。　　Early　though　it　was；　the　narrow　streets　of　the　wholesale
district　reverberated　with　the　rattle　of　trucks　and　echoed　with　the
shouts　of　drivers。　　The　day　promised　to　be　scorching。　　At　the　door　of　the
warehouse　of　Breck　and　Company　I　was　greeted　by　the　ineffable　smell　of
groceries　in　which　the　suggestion　of　parched　coffee　prevailed。　　This　is
the　sharpest　remembrance　of　al