a far country-第106节

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〃I　knew　that　you　loved　her；　Hugh；〃　she　said。　　〃It　was　onlyonly　a　little
while　after　you　married　me　that　I　found　it　out。　　I　guessed　itwomen　do
guess　such　thingslong　before　you　realized　it　yourself。　　You　ought　to
have　married　her　instead　of　me。　　You　would　have　been　happier　with　her。〃

I　did　not　answer。

〃I；　too；　have　thought　a　great　deal；〃　she　went　on；　after　a　moment。　　〃I
began　earlier　than　you；　I　had　to。〃　　I　looked　up　suddenly　and　saw　her
smiling　at　me；　faintly；　through　her　tears。　　〃But　I've　been　thinking　more；
and　learning　more　since　I've　been　over　here。　　I've　come　to　see　that　that
our　failure　hasn't　been　as　much　your　fault　as　I　once　thought；　as　much　as
you　yourself　declare。　　You　have　done　me　a　wrong；　and　you've　done　the
children　a　wrong。　　Oh；　it　is　frightful　to　think　how　little　I　knew　when　I
married　you；　but　even　then　I　felt　instinctively　that　you　didn't　love　me
as　I　deserved　to　be　loved。　　And　when　we　came　back　from　Europe　I　knew　that
I　couldn't　satisfy　you；　I　couldn't　look　upon　life　as　you　saw　it；　no
matter　how　hard　I　tried。　　I　did　try；　but　it　wasn't　any　use。　　You'll　never
know　how　much　I've　suffered　all　these　years。

〃I　have　been　happier　here；　away　from　you；　with　the　children；　I've　had　a
chance　to　be　myself。　　It　isn't　that　I'mmuch。　　It　isn't　that　I　don't
need　guidance　and　counsel　andsympathy。　　I've　missed　those；　but　you've
never　given　them　to　me；　and　I've　been　learning　more　and　more　to　do
without　them。　　I　don't　know　why　marriage　should　suddenly　have　become　such
a　mockery　and　failure　in　our　time；　but　I　know　that　it　is；　that　ours
hasn't　been　such　an　exception　as　I　once　thought。　　I've　come　to　believe
that　divorce　is　often　justified。〃

〃It　is　justified　so　far　as　you　are　concerned；　Maude；〃　I　replied。
〃It　is　not　justified　for　me。　　I　have　forfeited；　as　I　say；　any　rights　over
you。　　I　have　been　the　aggressor　and　transgressor　from　the　start。　　You
have　been　a　good　wife　and　a　good　mother；　you　have　been　faithful；　I　have
had　absolutely　nothing　to　complain　of。〃

〃Sometimes　I　think　I　might　have　tried　harder；〃　she　said。　　〃At　least　I
might　have　understood　better。　　I　was　stupid。　　But　everything　went　wrong。
And　I　saw　you　growing　away　from　me　all　the　time；　Hugh；　growing　away　from
the　friends　who　were　fond　of　you；　as　though　you　were　fading　in　the
distance。　　It　wasn't　wholly　becausebecause　of　Nancy　that　I　left　you。
That　gave　me　an　excusean　excuse　for　myself。　　Long　before　that　I
realized　my　helplessness；　I　knew　that　whatever　I　might　have　done　was　past
doing。〃

〃Yes；　I　know；；〃　I　assented。

We　sat　in　silence　for　a　while。　　The　train　was　skirting　an　ancient　town
set　on　a　hill；　crowned　with　a　castle　and　a　Gothic　church　whose　windows
were　afire　in　the　setting　sun。

〃Maude；〃　I　said；　〃I　have　not　come　to　plead；　to　appeal　to　your　pity　as
against　your　judgment　and　reason。　　I　can　say　this　much；　that　if　I　do　not
love　you；　as　the　word　is　generally　understood；　I　have　a　new　respect　for
you；　and　a　new　affection；　and　I　think　that　these　will　grow。　　I　have　no
doubt　that　there　are　some　fortunate　people　who　achieve　the　kind　of　mutual
love　for　which　it　is　human　to　yearn；　whose　passion　is　naturally
transmuted　into　a　feeling　that　may　be　even　finer；　but　I　am　inclined　to
think；　even　in　such　a　case；　that　some　effort　and　unselfishness　are
necessary。　　At　any　rate；　that　has　been　denied　to　us；　and　we　can　never
know　it　from　our　own　experience。　　We　can　only　hope　that　there　is　such　a
thing；　…yes；　and　believe　in　it　and　work　for　it。〃

〃Work　for　it；　Hugh？〃　she　repeated。

〃For　othersfor　our　children。　　I　have　been　thinking　about　the　children　a
great　deal　in　the　last　few　months　especially　about　Matthew。〃

〃You　always　loved　him　best；〃　she　said。

〃Yes；〃　I　admitted。　　〃I　don't　know　why　it　should　be　so。　　And　in　spite　of
it；　I　have　neglected　him；　neglected　them；　failed　to　appreciate　them　all。
I　did　not　deserve　them。　　I　have　reproached　myself；　I　have　suffered　for
it；　not　as　much　as　I　deserved。　　I　came　to　realize　that　the　children　were
a　bond　between　us；　that　their　existence　meant　something　greater　than
either　of　us。　　But　at　the　same　time　I　recognized　that　I　had　lost　my　right
over　them；　that　it　was　you　who　had　proved　yourself　worthy。。。。　　It　was
through　the　children　that　I　came　to　think　differently；　to　feel
differently　toward　you。　　I　have　come　to　you　to　ask　your　forgiveness。〃

〃Oh；　Hugh！〃　she　cried。

〃Wait；〃　I　said。。。。　　〃I　have　come　to　you；　through　them。　　I　want　to　say
again　that　I　should　not　be　here　if　I　had　obtained　my　desires。　　Yet　there
is　more　to　it　than　that。　　I　think　I　have　reached　a　stage　where　I　am　able
to　say　that　I　am　glad　I　didn't　obtain　them。　　I　see　now　that　this　coming
to　you　was　something　I　have　wanted　to　do　all　along；　but　it　was　the
cowardly　thing　to　do；　after　I　had　failed；　for　it　was　not　as　though　I　had
conquered　the　desires；　the　desires　conquered　me。　　At　any　rate；　I　couldn't
come　to　you　to　encumber　you；　to　be　a　drag　upon　you。　　I　felt　that　I　must
have　something　to　offer　you。　　I've　got　a　plan；　Maude；　for　my　life；　for
our　lives。　　I　don't　know　whether　I　can　make　a　success　of　it；　and　you　are
entitled　to　decline　to　take　the　risk。　　I　don't　fool　myself　that　it　will
be　all　plain　sailing；　that　there　won't　be　difficulties　and
discouragements。　　But　I'll　promise　to　try。〃

〃What　is　it？〃　she　asked；　in　a　low　voice。　　〃II　think　I　know。〃

〃Perhaps　you　have　guessed　it。　　I　am　willing　to　try　to　devote　what　is　left
of　my　life　to　you　and　to　them。　　And　I　need　your　help。　　I　acknowledge　it。
Let　us　try　to　make　more　possible　for　them　the　life　we　have　missed。〃

〃The　life　we　have　missed！〃　she　said。

〃Yes。　　My　mistakes；　my　failures；　have　brought　us　to　the　edge　of　a
precipice。　　We　must　prevent；　if　we　can；　those　mistakes　and　failures　for
them。　　The　remedy　for　unhappy　marriages；　for　all　mistaken；　selfish　and
artificial　relationships　in　life　is　a　preventive　one。　　My　plan　is　that　we
try　to　educate　ourselves　together；　take　advantage　of　the　accruing
knowledge　that　is　helping　men　and　women　to　cope　with　the　problems；　to
think　straight。　　We　can　then　teach　our　children　to　think　straight；　to
avoid　the　pitfalls　into　which　we　have　fallen。〃

I　paused。　　Maude　did　not　reply。　　Her　face　was　turned　away　from　me；
towards　the　red　glow　of　the　setting　sun　above　the　hills。

〃You　have　been　doing　this　all　along；　you　have　had　the　vision；　the　true
vision；　while　I　lacked　it；　Maude。　　I　offer　to　help　you。　　But　if　you　think
it　is　impossible　for　us　to　live　together；　if　you　believe　my　feeling
toward　you　is　not　enough；　if　you　don't　think　I　can　do　what　I　propose；　or
if　you　have　ceased　to　care　for　me〃

She　turned　to　me　with　a　swift　movement；　her　eyes　filled　with　tears。

〃Oh；　Hugh；　don't　say　any　more。　　I　can't　stand　it。　　How　little　you　know；
for　all　your　thinking。　　I　love　you；　I　always　have　loved　you。　　I　grew　to
be　ashamed　of　it；　but　I'm　not　any　longer。　　I　haven't　any　pride　any　more；
and　I　never　want　to　have　it　again。〃

〃You're　willing　to　take　me　as　I　am；to　try？〃　I　said。

〃Yes；〃　she　answered；　〃I'm　willing　to　try。〃　　She　smiled　at　me。　　〃And　I
have　more　faith　than　you；　Hugh。　　I　think　we'll　succeed。〃。。。。

At　nine　o'clock　that　night；　when　we　came　out　through　the　gates　of　the
big；　noisy　station；　the　children　were　awaiting　us。　　They　had　changed；
they　had　grown。　　Biddy　kissed　me　shyly；　and　stood　staring　up　at　me。

〃We'll　take　you　out　to…morrow　and　show　you　how　we　can　ride；〃　said
Moreton。

Matthew　smiled。　　He　stood　very　close　to　me；　with　his　hand　through　my　arm。

〃You're　going　to　stay；　father？〃　he　asked。

〃I'm　going　to　stay；　Matthew；〃　I　answered；　〃until　we　all　go　back　to
America。〃。。。。








End