a far country-第105节

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most　desired？　　or　was　it　the　inevitable　result　of　the　development　of　the
Hugh　Paret　of　earlier　days；　who　was　not　meant　for　that　kind　of　power？

The　vibration　of　the　monster　ship　increased　to　a　strong；　electric
pulsation；　the　water　hummed　along　her　sides；　she　felt　the　swell　of　the
open　sea。　　A　fine　rain　began　to　fall　that　hid　the　landyes；　and　the　life
I　was　leaving。　　I　made　my　way　across　the　glistening　deck　to　the　saloon
where；　my　newspapers　and　periodicals　neglected；　I　sat　all　the　morning
beside　a　window　gazing　out　at　the　limited；　vignetted　zone　of　waters
around　the　ship。　　We　were　headed　for　the　Old　World。　　The　wind　rose；　the
rain　became　pelting；　mingling　with　the　spume　of　the　whitecaps　racing
madly　past：　within　were　warmth　and　luxury；　electric　lights；　open　fires；
easy　chairs；　and　men　and　women　reading；　conversing　as　unconcernedly　as
though　the　perils　of　the　deep　had　ceased　to　be。　　In　all　this　I　found　an
impelling　interest；　the　naive　capacity
in　me　for　wonder；　so　long　dormant；　had　been　marvellously　opened　up　once
more。　　I　no　longer　thought　of　myself　as　the　important　man　of　affairs；　and
when　in　the　progress　of　the　voyage　I　was　accosted　by　two　or　three　men　I
had　met　and　by　others　who　had　heard　of　me　it　was　only　to　feel　amazement
at　the　remoteness　I　now　felt　from　a　world　whose　realities　were　stocks　and
bonds；　railroads　and　corporations　and　the　detested　new　politics　so
inimical　to　the　smooth　conduct　of　〃business。〃

It　all　sounded　like　a　language　I　had　forgotten。

It　was　not　until　near　the　end　of　the　passage　that　we　ran　out　of　the
storm。　　A　morning　came　when　I　went　on　deck　to　survey　spaces　of　a　blue　and
white　sea　swept　by　the　white　March　sunlight；　to　discern　at　length　against
the　horizon　toward　which　we　sped　a　cloud　of　the　filmiest　and　most
delicate　texture　and　design。　　Suddenly　I　divined　that　the　cloud　was
France！　　Little　by　little；　as　I　watched；　it　took　on　substance。　　I　made
out　headlands　and　cliffs；　and　then　we　were　coasting　beside　them。　　That
night　I　should　be　in　Paris　with　Maude。　　My　bag　was　packed；　my　steamer
trunk　closed。　　I　strayed　about　the　decks；　in　and　out　of　the　saloons；
wondering　at　the　indifference　of　other　passengers　who　sat　reading　in
steamer…chairs　or　wrote　last　letters　to　be　posted　at　Havre。　　I　was　filled
with　impatience；　anticipation；　yes；　with　anxiety　concerning　the　adventure
that　was　now　so　imminent；　with　wavering　doubts。　　Had　I　done　the　wisest
thing　after　all？　　I　had　the　familiar　experience　that　often　comes　just
before　reunion　after　absence　of　recalling　intimate　and　forgotten
impressions　of　those　whom　I　was　about　to　see　again　the　tones　of　their
voices；　little　gestures。。。。

How　would　they　receive　me？

The　great　ship　had　slowed　down　and　was　entering　the　harbour；　carefully
threading　her　way　amongst　smaller　craft；　the　passengers　lining　the　rails
and　gazing　at　the　animated　scene；　at　the　quaint　and　cheerful　French　city
bathed　in　sunlight。。。。　　I　had　reached　the　dock　and　was　making　my　way
through　the　hurrying　and　shifting　groups　toward　the　steamer　train　when　I
saw　Maude。　　She　was　standing　a　little　aside；　scanning　the　faces　that
passed　her。

I　remember　how　she　looked　at　me；　expectantly；　yet　timidly；　almost
fearfully。　　I　kissed　her。

〃You've　come　to　meet　me！〃　I　exclaimed　stupidly。　　〃How　are　the　children？〃

〃They're　very　well；　Hugh。　　They　wanted　to　come；　too；　but　I　thought　it
better　not。〃

Her　restraint　struck　me　as　extraordinary；　and　while　I　was　thankful　for
the　relief　it　brought　to　a　situation　which　might　have　been　awkward；　I　was
conscious　of　resenting　it　a　little。　　I　was　impressed　and　puzzled。　　As　I
walked　along　the　platform　beside　her　she　seemed　almost　a　stranger：　I　had
difficulty　in　realizing　that　she　was　my　wife；　the　mother　of　my　children。
Her　eyes　were　clear；　more　serious　than　I　recalled　them；　and　her　physical
as　well　as　her　moral　tone　seemed　to　have　improved。　　Her　cheeks　glowed
with　health；　and　she　wore　a　becoming　suit　of　dark　blue。

〃Did　you　have　a　good　trip；　Hugh？〃　she　asked。

〃Splendid；〃　I　said；　forgetting　the　storm。　　We　took　our　seats　in　an　empty
compartment。　　Was　she　glad　to　see　me？　　She　had　come　all　the　way　from
Paris　to　meet　me！　　All　the　embarrassment　seemed　to　be　on　my　side。　　Was
this　composure　a　controlled　one　or　had　she　indeed　attained　to　the　self…
sufficiency　her　manner　and　presence　implied？　　Such　were　the　questions
running　through　my　head。

〃You've　really　liked　Paris？〃　　I　asked。

〃Yes；　Hugh；　and　it's　been　very　good　for　us　all。　　Of　course　the　boys　like
America　better；　but　they've　learned　many　things　they　wouldn't　have
learned　at　home；　they　both　speak　French；　and　Biddy　too。　　Even　I　have
improved。〃

〃I'm　sure　of　it；〃　I　said。

She　flushed。

〃And　what　else　have　you　been　doing？〃

〃Oh；　going　to　galleries。　　Matthew　often　goes　with　me。　　I　think　he　quite
appreciates　the　pictures。　　Sometimes　I　take　him　to　the　theatre；　too；　the
Francais。　　Both　boys　ride　in　the　Bois　with　a　riding　master。　　It's　been
rather　a　restricted　life　for　them；　but　it　won't　have　hurt　them。　　It's
good　discipline。　　We　have　little　excursions　in　an　automobile　on　fine　days
to　Versailles　and　other　places　of　interest　around　Paris；　and　Matthew　and
I　have　learned　a　lot　of　history。　　I　have　a　professor　of　literature　from
the　Sorbonne　come　in　three　times　a　week　to　give　me　lessons。〃

〃I　didn't　know　you　cared　for　literature。〃

〃I　didn't　know　it　either。〃　　She　smiled。　　〃Matthew　loves　it。　　Monsieur
Despard　declares　he　has　quite　a　gift　for　language。〃

Maude　had　already　begun　Matthew's　education！

〃You　see　a　few　people？〃　　I　inquired。

〃A　few。　　And　they　have　been　very　kind　to　us。　　The　Buffons；　whom　I　met　at
Etretat；　and　some　of　their　friends；　mostly　educated　French　people。〃

The　little　railway　carriage　in　which　we　sat　rocked　with　speed　as　we　flew
through　the　French　landscape。　　I　caught　glimpses　of　solid；　Norman　farm
buildings；　of　towers　and　keeps　and　delicate　steeples；　and　quaint　towns；
of　bare　poplars　swaying　before　the　March　gusts；　of　green　fields　ablaze　in
the　afternoon　sun。　　I　took　it　all　in　distractedly。　　Here　was　Maude　beside
me；　but　a　Maude　I　had　difficulty　in　recognizing；　whom　I　did　not
understand：　who　talked　of　a　life　she　had　built　up　for　herself　and　that
seemed　to　satisfy　her；　one　with　which　I　had　nothing　to　do。　　I　could　not
tell　how　she　regarded　my　re…intrusion。　　As　she　continued　to　talk；　a
feeling　that　was　almost　desperation　grew　upon　me。　　I　had　things　to　say　to
her；　things　that　every　moment　of　this　sort　of　intercourse　was　making　more
difficult。　　And　I　felt；　if　I　did　not　say　them　now；　that　perhaps　I　never
should：　that　now　or　never　was　the　appropriate　time；　and　to　delay　would　be
to　drift　into　an　impossible　situation　wherein　the　chance　of　an
understanding　would　be　remote。

There　was　a　pause。　　How　little　I　had　anticipated　the　courage　it　would
take　to　do　this　thing！　　My　blood　was　hammering。

〃Maude；〃　I　said　abruptly；　〃I　suppose　you're　wondering　why　I　came　over
here。〃

She　sat　gazing　at　me；　very　still；　but　there　came　into　her　eyes　a
frightened　look　that　almost　unnerved　me。　　She　seemed　to　wish　to　speak；　to
be　unable　to。　　Passively；　she　let　my　hand　rest　on　hers。

〃I've　been　thinking　a　great　deal　during　the　last　few　months；〃　I　went　on
unsteadily。　　〃And　I've　changed　a　good　many　of　my　ideasthat　is；　I've　got
new　ones；　about　things　I　never　thought　of　before。　　I　want　to　say；　first；
that　I　do　not　put　forth　any　claim　to　come　back　into　your　life。　　I　know　I
have　forfeited　any　claim。　　I've　neglected　you；　and　I've　neglected　the
children。　　Our　marriage　has　been　on　a　false　basis　from　the　start；　and
I've　been　to　blame　for　it。　　There　is　more　to　be　said　about　the　chances
for　a　successful　marriage　in　these　days；　but　I'm　not　going　to　dwell　on
that　now；　or　attempt　to　shoulder　off　my　shortcomings　on　my　bringing　up；
on　the　civilization　in　which　we　have　lived。　　You've　tried　to　do　your
share；　and　the　failure　hasn't　been　your　fault。　　I　want　to　tell　you　first
of　all　that　I　recognize　your　right　to　live　your　life　from　now　on；
independently　of　me；　if　you　so　desire。　　You　ought　to　have　the　children〃
I　hesitated　a　moment。　　It　was　the　hardest　thing　I　had　to　say。　　〃I've
never　troubled　myself　about　them；　I've　never　taken　on　any　responsibility
in　regard　to　their　bringing　up。〃

〃Hugh！〃　she　cried。

〃WaitI've　got　more　to　tell　you；　that　you　ought　to　know。　　I　shouldn't　be
here　to…day　if　Nancy　Durrett　had　consented　toto　get　a　divorce　and　marry
me。　　We　had　agreed　to　that　when　this　accident　happened　to　Ham；　and　she
went　back　to　him。　　I　have　to　tell　you　that　I　still　love　herI　can't　say
how　much；　or　define　my　feelings　toward　her　now。　　I've　given　up　all　idea
of　her。　　I　don't　think　I'd　marry　her　now；　even　if　I　had　the　chance；　and
you　should　decide　to　live　away　from　me。　　I　don't　know。　　I'm　not　so　sure
of　myself　as　I　once　was。　　The　fact　is；　Maude；　circumstances　have　been　too
much　for　me。　　I've　been　beaten。　　And　I'm　not　at　all　certain　that　it
wasn't　a　cowardly　thing　for　me　to　come　back　to　you　at　all。〃

I　felt　her　hand　trembling　under　mine；　but　I　had　not　the　courage　to　look
at　her。　　I　heard　her　call　my　name　again　a　little　cry；　the　very　poignancy
of　pity　and　distress。　　It　almost　unnerved　me。

〃I　knew　that　you　loved　her；　Hugh；〃　she　said。　　〃It　was　onlyo