the moscow census-第12节
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vain； and that his remedy is good for nothing。
CHAPTER XI。
This visit dealt the final blow to my self…delusion。 It now appeared
indisputable to me； that what I had undertaken was not only foolish
but loathsome。
But； in spite of the fact that I was aware of this； it seemed to me
that I could not abandon the whole thing on the spot。 It seemed to
me that I was bound to carry out this enterprise； in the first place；
because by my article； by my visits and promises； I had aroused the
expectations of the poor； in the second； because by my article also；
and by my talk； I had aroused the sympathies of benevolent persons；
many of whom had promised me their co…operation both in personal
labor and in money。 And I expected that both sets of people would
turn to me for an answer to this。
What happened to me； so far as the appeal of the needy to me is
concerned； was as follows： By letter and personal application I
received more than a hundred； these applications were all from the
wealthy…poor； if I may so express myself。 I went to see some of
them； and some of them received no answer。 Nowhere did I succeed in
doing any thing。 All applications to me were from persons who had
once occupied privileged positions （I thus designate those in which
people receive more from others than they give）； who had lost them；
and who wished to occupy them again。 To one； two hundred rubles were
indispensable； in order that he might prop up a failing business； and
complete the education of his children which had been begun； another
wanted a photographic outfit； a third wanted his debts paid； and
respectable clothing purchased for him； a fourth needed a piano； in
order to perfect himself and support his family by giving lessons。
But the majority did not stipulate for any given sum of money； and
simply asked for assistance； and when I came to examine into what was
required； it turned out that their demands grew in proportion to the
aid； and that there was not and could not be any way of satisfying
them。 I repeat； that it is very possible that this arose from the
fact that I did not understand how； but I did not help any one；
although I sometimes endeavored to do so。
A very strange and unexpected thing happened to me as regards the co…
operation of the benevolently disposed。 Out of all the persons who
had promised me financial aid； and who had even stated the number of
rubles； not a single one handed to me for distribution among the poor
one solitary ruble。 But according to the pledges which had been
given me； I could reckon on about three thousand rubles； and out of
all these people； not one remembered our former discussions； or gave
me a single kopek。 Only the students gave the money which had been
assigned to them for their work on the census； twelve rubles； I
think。 So my whole scheme； which was to have been expressed by tens
of thousands of rubles contributed by the wealthy； for hundreds and
thousands of poor people who were to be rescued from poverty and
vice； dwindled down to this； that I gave away； haphazard； a few
scores of rubles to those people who asked me for them； and that
there remained in my hands twelve rubies contributed by the students；
and twenty…five sent to me by the City Council for my labor as a
superintendent； and I absolutely did not know to whom to give them。
The whole matter came to an end。 And then； before my departure for
the country； on the Sunday before carnival； I went to the Rzhanoff
house in the morning； in order to get rid of those thirty…seven
rubles before I should leave Moscow； and to distribute them to the
poor。 I made the round of the quarters with which I was familiar；
and in them found only one sick man； to whom I gave five rubles。
There was no one else there to give any to。 Of course many began to
beg of me。 But as I had not known them at first； so I did not know
them now； and I made up my mind to take counsel with Ivan Fedotitch；
the landlord of the tavern； as to the persons upon whom it would be
proper to bestow the remaining thirty…two rubies。
It was the first day of the carnival。 Everybody was dressed up； and
everybody was full…fed； and many were already intoxicated。 In the
court…yard； close to the house； stood an old man； a rag…picker； in a
tattered smock and bast shoes； sorting over the booty in his basket；
tossing out leather； iron； and other stuff in piles； and breaking
into a merry song； with a fine； powerful voice。 I entered into
conversation with him。 He was seventy years old； he was alone in the
world； and supported himself by his calling of a rag…picker； and not
only did he utter no complaints； but he said that he had plenty to
eat and drink。 I inquired of him as to especially needy persons。 He
flew into a rage； and said plainly that there were no needy people；
except drunkards and lazy men； but； on learning my object； he asked
me for a five…kopek piece to buy a drink； and ran off to the tavern。
I too entered the tavern to see Ivan Fedotitch； and commission him to
distribute the money which I had left。 The tavern was full； gayly…
dressed； intoxicated girls were flitting in and out； all the tables
were occupied； there were already a great many drunken people； and in
the small room the harmonium was being played； and two persons were
dancing。 Out of respect to me； Ivan Fedotitch ordered that the dance
should be stopped； and seated himself with me at a vacant table。 I
said to him； that； as he knew his tenants； would not he point out to
me the most needy among them； that I had been entrusted with the
distribution of a little money； and； therefore； would he indicate the
proper persons？ Good…natured Ivan Fedotitch （he died a year later）；
although he was pressed with business； broke away from it for a time；
in order to serve me。 He meditated； and was evidently undecided。 An
elderly waiter heard us； and joined the conference。
They began to discuss the claims of persons； some of whom I knew； but
still they could not come to any agreement。 〃The Paramonovna；〃
suggested the waiter。 〃Yes； that would do。 Sometimes she has
nothing to eat。 Yes； but then she tipples。〃〃Well； what of that？
That makes no difference。〃〃Well； Sidoron Ivanovitch has children。
He would do。〃 But Ivan Fedotitch had his doubts about Sidoron
Ivanovitch also。 〃Akulina shall have some。 There； now； give
something to the blind。〃 To this I responded。 I saw him at once。
He was a blind old man of eighty years； without kith or kin。 It
seemed as though no condition could be more painful； and I went
immediately to see him。 He was lying on a feather…bed； on a high
bedstead； drunk； and； as he did not see me； he was scolding his
comparatively youthful female companion in a frightful bass voice；
and in the very worst kind of language。 They also summoned an
armless boy and his mother。 I saw that Ivan Fedotitch was in great
straits； on account of his conscientiousness； for me knew that
whatever was given would immediately pass to his tavern。 But I had
to get rid of my thirty…two rubles； so I insisted； and in one way and
another； and half wrongfully to boot； we assigned and distributed
them。 Those who received them were mostly well dressed； and we had
not far to go to find them； as they were there in the tavern。 The
armless boy appeared in wrinkled boots； and a red shirt and vest。
With this my charitable career came to an end； and I went off to the
country； irritated at others； as is always the case； because I myself
had done a stupid and a bad thing。 My benevolence had ended in
nothing； and it ceased altogether； but the current of thoughts and
feelings which it had called up with me not only did not come to an
end； but the inward work went on with redoubled force。
CHAPTER XII。
What was its nature？
I had lived in the country； and there I was connected with the rustic
poor。 Not out of humility； which is worse than pride； but for the
sake of telling the truth； which is indispensable for the
understanding of the whole course of my thoughts and sentiments； I
will say that in the country I did very little for the poor； but the
demands which were made upon me were so modest that even this little
was of use to the people； and formed around me an atmosphere of
affection and union with the people； in which it was possible to
soothe the gnawing sensation of remorse at the independence of my
life。 On going to the city； I had hoped to be able to live in the
same manner。 But here I encountered want of an entirely different
sort。 City want was both less real； and more exacting and cruel；
than country poverty。 But the principal point was； that there was so
much of it in one spot； that it produced on me a frightful
impression。 The impression which I experienced in the Lyapinsky
house had； at the very first； made me conscious of the deformity of
my own life。 This feeling was genuine and very powerful。 But；
notwithstanding its genuineness and power； I was； at that time； so
weak that I feared the alteration in my life to which this feeling
commended me； and I resorted to a compromise。 I believed what
everybody told me； and everybody has said； ever since the world was
mad
