the complete works of artemus ward, part 3-第5节

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That　is　to　say；　a　puncheon。　　But　by　all　means　let　us　avoid
turning　this　romance　into　a　farce。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　VII。PYROTECHNY。

But　the　headstrong　young　man　went　to　work；　making　fireworks。

He　bought　and　carefully　studied　a　work　on　pyrotechny。

The　villagers　knew　that　he　was　a　remarkably　skilful　young　man；
and　they　all　said；　〃We　shall　have　a　great　treat　next　4th　of
July。〃

Meanwhile　Pettingill　worked　away。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　VIII。THE　DAY。

The　great　day　came　at　last。

Thousands　poured　into　the　little　village　from　far　and　near。

There　was　an　oration；　of　course。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　IX。ORATORY　IN　AMERICA。

Yes；　there　was　an　oration。

We　have　a　passion　for　oratory　in　Americapolitical　oratory
chiefly。

Our　political　orators　never　lose　a　chance　to　〃express　their
views。〃

They　will　do　it。　　You　cannot　stop　them。

There　was　an　execution　in　Ohio　one　day；　and　the　Sheriff；　before
placing　the　rope　round　the　murderer's　neck；　asked　him　if　he　had
any　remarks　to　make？

〃If　he　hasn't；〃　said　a　well…known　local　orator；　pushing　his
way　rapidly　through　the　dense　crowd　to　the　gallows〃if　our
ill…starred　feller…citizen　don't　feel　inclined　to　make　a　speech
and　is　in　no　hurry；　I　should　like　to　avail　myself　of　the　present
occasion　to　make　some　remarks　on　the　necessity　of　a　new
protective　tariff！〃

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　X。PETTINGILL'S　FIREWORKS。

As　I　said　in　Chapter　VIII。；　there　was　an　oration。　　There　were
also　processions；　and　guns；　and　banners。

〃This　evening；〃　said　the　chairman　of　the　committee　of
arrangements；　〃this　evening；　fellow…citizens；　there　will　be　a
grand　display　of　fireworks　on　the　village　green；　superintended　by
the　inventor　and　manufacturer；　our　public…spirited　townsman；　Mr。
Reuben　Pettingill。〃

Night　closed　in；　and　an　immense　concourse　of　people　gathered　on
the　village　green。

On　a　raised　platform；　amidst　his　fireworks；　stood　Pettingill。

He　felt　that　the　great　hour　of　his　life　had　come；　and；　in　a　firm；
clear　voice；　he　said：

〃The　fust　fireworks；　feller…citizens；　will　be　a　rocket；　which
will　go　up　in　the　air；　bust；　and　assume　the　shape　of　a　serpint。〃

He　applied　a　match　to　the　rocket；　but　instead　of　going　up　in　the
air；　it　flew　wildly　down　into　the　grass；　running　some　distance
with　a　hissing　kind　of　sound；　and　causing　the　masses　to　jump
round　in　a　very　insane　manner。

Pettingill　was　disappointed；　but　not　disheartened。　　He　tried
again。

〃The　next　fireworks；〃　he　said；　〃will　go　up　in　the　air；　bust；　and
become　a　beautiful　revolvin'　wheel。〃

But　alas！　it　didn't。　　It　only　ploughed　a　little　furrow　in　the
green　grass；　like　its　unhappy　predecessor。

The　masses　laughed　at　this；　and　one　mana　white…haired　old
villagersaid；　kindly　but　firmly；　〃Reuben；　I'm　'fraid　you　don't
understand　pyrotechny。〃

Reuben　was　amazed。　　Why　did　his　rockets　go　down　instead　of　up？
But；　perhaps；　the　others　would　be　more　successful；　and；　with　a
flushed　face；　and　in　a　voice　scarcely　as　firm　as　before；　he　said：

〃The　next　specimen　of　pyrotechny　will　go　up　in　the　air；　bust；　and
become　an　eagle。　　Said　eagle　will　soar　away　into　the　western
skies；　leavin'　a　red　trail　behind　him　as　he　so　soars。〃

But；　alas！　again。　　No　eagle　soared；　but；　on　the　contrary；　that
ordinary　proud　bird　buried　its　head　in　the　grass。

The　people　were　dissatisfied。　　They　made　sarcastic　remarks。　　Some
of　them　howled　angrily。　　The　aged　man　who　had　before　spoken　said；
〃No；　Reuben；　you　evidently　don't　understand　pyrotechny。〃

Pettingill　boiled　with　rage　and　disappointment。

〃You　don't　understand　pyrotechny！〃　the　masses　shouted。

Then　they　laughed　in　a　disagreeable　manner；　and　some　unfeeling
lads　threw　dirt　at　our　hero。

〃You　don't　understand　pyrotechny！〃　the　masses　yelled　again。

〃Don't　I？〃　screamed　Pettingill；　wild　with　rage；　〃don't　you　think
I　do？〃

Then　seizing　several　gigantic　rockets　he　placed　them　over　a　box
of　powder；　and　touched　the　whole　off。

THIS　rocket　went　up。　　It　did；　indeed。

There　was　a　terrific　explosion。

No　one　was　killed；　fortunately；　though　many　were　injured。

The　platform　was　almost　torn　to　pieces。

But　proudly　erect　among　the　falling　timbers　stood　Pettingill；　his
face　flashing　with　wild　triumph；　and　he　shouted：　　〃If　I'm　any
judge　of　pyrotechny；　THAT　rocket　has　went　off。〃

Then　seeing　that　all　the　fingers　on　his　right　hand　had　been　taken
close　off　in　the　explosion；　he　added：　　〃And　I　ain't　so　dreadful
certain　but　four　of　my　fingers　has　went　off　with　it；　because　I
don't　see　'em　here　now！〃

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　3。9。　　THE　LAST　OF　THE　CULKINSES。

A　DUEL　IN　CLEVELANDDISTANCE　TEN　PACESBLOODY　RESULTFLIGHT　OF
ONE　OF　THE　PRINCIPALSFULL　PARTICULARS。

A　few　weeks　since　a　young　Irishman　name　Culkins　wandered　into
Cleveland　from　New　York。　　He　had　been　in　America　only　a　short
time。　　He　overflowed　with　book　learning；　but　was　mournfully
ignorant　of　American　customs；　and　as　innocent　and　confiding
withal　as　the　Babes　in　the　Wood。　　He　talked　much　of　his　family；
their　commanding　position　in　Connaught；　Ireland；　their　immense
respectability；　their　chivalry；　and　all　that　sort　of　thing。　　He
was　the　only　representative　of　that　mighty　race　in　this　country。
〃I'm　the　last　of　the　Culkinses！〃　he　would　frequently　say；　with　a
tinge　of　romantic　sadness；　meaning；　we　suppose；　that　he　would　be
the　last　when　the　elder　Culkins　（in　the　admired　language　of　the
classics）　〃slipped　his　wind。〃　　Young　Culkins　proposed　to　teach
Latin；　Greek；　Spanish；　Fardown　Irish；　and　perhaps　Choctaw；　to
such　youths　as　desired　to　become　thorough　linguists。　　He　was　not
very　successful　in　this　line；　and　concluded　to　enter　the　office
of　a　prominent　law　firm　on　Superior　Street　as　a　student。　　He　dove
among　the　musty　and　ponderous　volumes　with　all　the　enthusiasm　of
a　wild　young　Irishman；　and　commenced　cramming　his　head　with　law
at　a　startling　rate。　　He　lodged　in　the　back…room　of　the　office；
and　previous　to　retiring　he　used　to　sing　the　favorite　ballads　of
his　own　Emerald　Isle。　　The　boy　who　was　employed　in　the　office
directly　across　the　hall　used　to　go　to　the　Irishman's　door　and
stick　his　ear　to　the　key…hole　with　a　view　to　drinking　in　the
gushing　melody　by　the　quart　or　perhaps　pailful。　　This　vexed　Mr。
Culkins；　and　considerably　marred　the　pleasure　of　the　thing；　as
witness　the　following：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃O　come　to　me　when　daylight　sets。

＇What　yez　doing　at　that　door；　yer　dd　spalpane？＇

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Sweet；　then　come　to　me！

＇I'll　twist　the　nose　off　yez　presently；　me　honey！＇

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　When　softly　glide　our　gondolettes

＇Bedad；　I'll　do　murther　to　yez；　young　gintlemin！＇

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　O'er　the　moonlit　sea。〃

Of　course；　this　couldn't　continue。　　This；　in　short；　was　rather
more　than　the　blood　of　the　Culkinses　could　stand；　so　the　young
man；　through　whose　veins　such　a　powerful　lot　of　that　blood
courses；　sprang　to　the　door；　seized　the　eavesdropping　boy；　drew
him　within；　and　commenced　to　severely　chastise　him。　　The　boy's
master；　the　gentleman　who　occupied　the　office　across　the　hall；
here　interfered；　pulled　Mr。　Culkins　off；　thrust　him　gently
against　the　wall；　and　slightly　choked　him。　　Mr。　Culkins　bottled
his　furious　wrath　for　that　night；　but　in　the　morning　he　uncorked
it　and　threatened　the　gentleman　（whom　for　convenience　sake　we
will　call　Smith）　with　all　sorts　of　vengeance。　　He　obtained　a
small　horsewhip　and　tore　furiously　through　the　town；　on　the
lookout　for　Smith。

He　sent　Smith　a　challenge；　couched　in　language　so　scathingly　hot
that　it　burnt　holes　through　the　paper；　and　when　it　reached　Smith
it　was　riddled　like　an　old…fashioned　milk…strainer。　　No　notice
was　taken　of　the　challenge；　and　Culkins'　wrath　became　absolutely
terrific。　　He　wrote　handbills；　which　he　endeavoured　to　have
printed；　posting　Smith　as　a　coward。　　He　wrote　a　communication　for
the　〃New　Herald；〃　explaining　the　whole　matter。　　（This　wasn't　very
rich；　we　expect。）　　He　urged　us　to　publish　his　challenge　to　Smith。
Somebody　told　him　that　Smith　was　intending　to　flee　the　city　in
fear　on　an　afternoon　train；　and　Culkins　proceeded　to　the　depot；
horsewhip　in　hand；　to　lie　in　wait　for　him。　　This　was　Saturday
last。　　During　the　afternoon　Smith　concluded　to　accept　the
challenge。　　Seconds　and　a　surgeon　were　selected；　and　we　are
mortified　to　state　that　at　10　o'clock　in　the　evening　Scanton's
Bottom　was　desecrated　with　a　regular　duel。　　The　frantic　glee　of
Culkins　when　he　learned　his　challenge　had　been　accepted　can't　be
described。　　Our　pen　can't　do　ita　pig…pen　couldn't。　　He　wrote　a
long　letter　to　his　uncle　in　New　York；　and　to　his　father　in
Connaught。　　At　about　ten　o'clock　the　party　proceeded　to　the
field。　　The　moon　was　not　up；　the　darkness　was　dense；　the　ground
was　unpleasantly　moist；　and　the　lights　of　the　town；　which　gleamed
in　the　distance；　only　made　the　scene　more　desolate　and　dreary。
The　ground　was　paced　off　and　the　men　arranged。　　While　this　was
being　done；　the　surgeon；　by　the　light　of　a　dark　lantern；　arranged
his　instruments；　which　consisted　of　1　common　hand…saw；　1　hatchet；
1　butcher　knife；　a　large　variety　of　smaller　knives；　and　a　small
mountain　of　old　rag。　　Neither　of　the　principals　exhibited　any
fear。　　Culkins　insisted　that；　as　the　challenging　party；　he　had
the　right　to　the　word　fire。