the complete works of artemus ward, part 3-第4节
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〃Go in on your muscle。〃President Buchanan's instructions to the
Collector of Toledo。
〃Westward the hoe of Empire Stars its way。〃George N。 True。
〃Where liberty dwells there is my kedentry。〃C。R。 Dennett。
Seventeen years have become ingulfed in the vast and moist ocean
of eternity since the scene depicted in the last chapter
occurred。 We are in Mexico。 Come with me to the Scarlet
Banditti's cave。 It is night。 A tempest is raging tempestuously
without； but within we find a scene of dazzling magnificence。
The cave is spacious。 Chandeliers of solid gold hang up
suspended around the gorgeously furnished room； and the marble
floor is star…studded with flashing diamonds。 It must have cost
between two hundred dollars to fit this cave up。 It embraced all
of the modern improvements。 At the head of the cave life…size
photographs （by Ryder） of the bandits； and framed in gilt； were
hung up suspended。 The bandits were seated around a marble
table； which was sculped regardless of expense； and were drinking
gin and molasses out of golden goblets。 When they got out of gin
fresh supplies were brought in by slaves from a two…horse wagon
outside； which had been captured that day； after a desperate and
bloody struggle； by the bandits； on the plains of Buena Vista。
At the head of the table sat the Chief。 His features were
swarthy but elegant。 He was splendidly dressed in new clothes；
and had that voluptuous； dreamy air of grandeur about him which
would at once rivet the gaze of folks generally。 In answer to a
highly enthusiastic call he arose and delivered an able and
eloquent speech。 We regret that our space does not permit us to
give this truly great speech in fullwe can merely give a
synopsis of the distinguished speaker's remarks。 〃Comrades！
listen to your chief。 You all know my position on Lecompton。
Where I stand in regard to low tolls on the Ohio Canal is equally
clear to you； and so with the Central American question。 I
believe I understand my little Biz。 I decline defining my
position on the Horse Railroad until after the Spring Election。
Whichever way I says I don't say so myself unless I says so also。
Comrades！ be virtuous and you'll be happy。〃 The Chief sat down
amidst great applause； and was immediately presented with an
elegant gold headed cane by his comrades； as a slight testimonial
of their respect。
CHAPTER III。
〃This is the last of Earth。〃Page。
〃The hope of America lies in its well…conducted school…houses。〃
Bone。
〃I wish it to be distinctly understood that I want the Union to
be Reserved。〃N。T。 Nash。
〃Sine qua non Ips Dixit Quid pro quo cui bono Ad infininim E
Unibus plurum。〃Brown。
Two hours later。 Return we again to the Banditti's Cave。
Revelry still holds high carnival among the able and efficient
bandits。 A knock is heard at the door。 From his throne at the
head of the table the Chief cries； 〃Come in！〃 and an old man；
haggard； white…haired； and sadly bent； enters the cave。
〃Messieurs；〃 he tremblingly ejaculates； 〃for seventeen years I
have not tasted of food！〃
〃Well；〃 says a kind…hearted bandit； 〃if that's so I expect you
must be rather faint。 We'll get you up a warm meal immediately；
stranger。〃
〃Hold！〃 whispered the Chief in tones of thunder； and rushing
slowly to the spot； 〃this is about played out。 Behold in me RED
HAND； the Bandit Chief； once Clarence Stanley； whom you cruelly
turned into a cold world seventeen years ago this very night！
Old man； perpare to go up！〃 Saying which the Chief drew a sharp
carving knife and cut off Mr。 Blinker's ears。 He then scalped
Mr。 B。； and cut all of his toes off。 The old man struggled to
extricate himself from his unpleasant situation； but was
unsuccessful。
〃My goodness；〃 he piteously exclaimed； 〃I must say you are pretty
rough。 It seems to me。〃
This is all of this intensely interesting tale that will be
published in the 〃Plain Dealer。〃 The remainder of it may be
found in the great moral family paper； 〃The Windy Flash〃
published in New York by Stimpkins。 〃The Windy Flash〃 circulates
4；000；000 copies weekly。
IT IS THE ALL…FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED。
IT IS THE ALL…FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED。
IT IS THE ALL…FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED。
IT IS THE ALL…FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED。
IT'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD。
IT'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD。
IT'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD。
IT'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD。
IT'S A MORAL PAPER。
IT'S A MORAL PAPER。
IT'S A MORAL PAPER。
IT'S A MORAL PAPER。
SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES。
SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES。
SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES。
SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES。
3。8。 PYROTECHNY： A ROMANCE AFTER THE FRENCH。
I。THE PEACEFUL HAMLET。
Nestling among the grand hills of New Hampshire； in the United
States of America； is a village called Waterbury。
Perhaps you were never there。
I do not censure you if you never were。
One can get on very well without going to Waterbury。
Indeed； there are millions of meritorious persons who were never
there； and yet they are happy。
In this peaceful hamlet lived a young man named Pettingill。
Reuben Pettingill。
He was an agriculturist。
A broad…shouldered； deep…chested agriculturist。
He was contented to live in this peaceful hamlet。
He said it was better than a noisy Othello。
Thus do these simple children of nature joke in a first class
manner。
II。MYSELF。
I write this romance in the French style。
Yes： something that way。
The French style consists of making just as many paragraphs as
possible。
Thus one may fill up a column in a very short time。
I am paid by the column； and the quicker I can fill up a column
but this is a matter to which we will not refer。
We will let this matter pass。
III。PETTINGILL。
Reuben Pettingill was extremely industrious。
He worked hard all the year round on his father's little farm。
Right he was！
Industry is a very fine thing。
It is one of the finest things of which we have any knowledge。
Yet do not frown； 〃do not weep for me；〃 when I state that I don't
like it。
It doesn't agree with me。
I prefer indolence。
I am happiest when I am idle。
I could live for months without performing any kind of labour；
and at the expiration of that time I should feel fresh and
vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for numerous more
months。
This should not surprise you。
Nothing that a modern novelist does should excite astonishment in
any well…regulated mind。
IV。INDEPENDENCE DAY。
The 4th of July is always celebrated in America with guns； and
processions； and banners； and all those things。
You know why we celebrate this day。
The American Revolution； in 1775； was perhaps one of the finest
revolutions that was ever seen。 But I have not time to give you
a full history of the American Revolution。 It would consume
years to do it； and I might weary you。
One 4th of July Reuben Pettingill went to Boston。
He saw great sights。
He saw the dense throng of people； the gay volunteers； the
banners； and； above all； he saw the fireworks。
I despise myself for using so low a word； but the fireworks
〃licked〃 him。
A new world was opened to this young man。
He returned to his parents and the little farm among the hills；
with his heart full of fireworks。
He said； 〃I will make some myself。〃
He said this while eating a lobster on top of the coach。
He was an extraordinary skilful young man in the use of a common
clasp…knife。
With that simple weapon he could make； from soft wood； horses；
dogs； cats； etc。 He carved excellent soldiers also。
I remember his masterpiece。
It was 〃Napoleon crossing the Alps。〃
Looking at it critically； I should say it was rather short of
Alps。
An Alp or two more would have improved it； but； as a whole； it
was a wonderful piece of work； and what a wonderful piece of work
is a wooden man； when his legs and arms are all right。
V。WHAT THIS YOUNG MAN SAID。
He said； 〃I can make just as good fireworks as them in Boston。〃
〃Them〃 was not grammatical； but why care for grammar as long as
we are good？
VI。THE FATHER'S TEARS。
Pettingill neglected the farm。
He said that it might till itselfhe should manufacture some
gorgeous fireworks； and exhibit them on the village green on the
next 4th of July。
He said the Eagle of Fame would flap his wings over their humble
roof ere many months should pass away。
〃If he does；〃 said old Mr。 Pettingill； 〃we must shoot him and
bile him； and eat him； because we shall be rather short of meat；
my son； if you go on in this lazy way。〃
And the old man wept。
He shed over 120 gallons of tears。
That is to say； a puncheon。 But by all means let us avoid
turning this romance into a f
