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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward; Part 3

by Charles Farrar Browne



With a biographical sketch by Melville D。 Landon; 〃Eli Perkins〃






CONTENTS。

PART III。

Stories and Romances。

3。1。  Moses the Sassy; or; The Disguised Duke。

3。2。  Marion:  A Romance of the French School。

3。3。  William Barker; the Young Patriot。

3。4。  A RomanceThe Conscript。

3。5。  A RomanceOnly a Mechanic。

3。6。  Roberto the Rover; A Tale of Sea and Shore。

3。7。  Red Hand:  A Tale of Revenge。

3。8。  Pyrotechny:  A Romance after the French。

3。9。  The Last of the Culkinses。

3。10。  A Mormon RomanceReginald Gloverson。

PART III。  STORIES AND ROMANCES。

3。1。  MOSES THE SASSY; OR; THE DISGUISED DUKE。





                           CHAPTER I。ELIZY。

My story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin。  In the parler
of a bloated aristocratic mansion on Bacon street sits a luvly
young lady; whose hair is cuvered ore with the frosts of between
17 Summers。  She has just sot down to the piany; and is warblin
the popler ballad called 〃Smells of the Notion;〃 in which she
tells how; with pensiv thought; she wandered by a C beat shore。
The son is settin in its horizon; and its gorjus light pores in a
golden meller flud through the winders; and makes the young lady
twict as beautiful nor what she was before; which is onnecessary。
She is magnificently dressed up in a Berage basque; with poplin
trimmins; More Antique; Ball Morals and 3 ply carpeting。  Also;
considerable gauze。  Her dress contains 16 flounders and her
shoes is red morocker; with gold spangles onto them。  Presently
she jumps up with a wild snort; and pressin her hands to her
brow; she exclaims:  〃Methinks I see a voice!〃

A noble youth of 27 summers enters。  He is attired in a red shirt
and black trowsis; which last air turned up over his boots; his
hat; which it is a plug; being cockt onto one side of his
classical hed。  In sooth; he was a heroic lookin person; with a
fine shape。  Grease; in its barmiest days; near projuced a more
hefty cavileer。  Gazin upon him admiringly for a spell; Elizy
(for that was her name) organized herself into a tabloo; and
stated as follers。

〃Ha! do me eyes deceive me earsight?  Is it some dreams?  No; I
reckon not! That frame! them store close! those nose!  Yes; it is
me own; me only Moses!〃

He (Moses) folded her to his hart; with the remark that he was 〃a
hunkey boy。〃

                 CHAPTER II。WAS MOSES Of NOBLE BIRTH?

Moses was foreman of Engine Co。 No。 40。  Forty's fellers had just
bin havin an annual reunion with Fifty's fellers; on the day I
introjuce Moses to my readers; and Moses had his arms full of
trofees; to wit:  4 scalps; 5 eyes; 3 fingers; 7 ears; (which he
chawed off) and several half and quarter sections of noses。  When
the fair Elizy recovered from her delight at meetin Moses; she
said:〃How hast the battle gonest?  Tell me!〃

〃We chawed 'em upthat's what we did!〃 said the bold Moses。

〃I thank the gods!〃 said the fair Elizy。  〃Thou did'st excellent
well。  And; Moses;〃 she continnered; layin her hed confidinly
agin his weskit; 〃dost know I sumtimes think thou istest of noble
birth?〃

〃No!〃 said he; wildly ketchin hold of hisself。  〃You don't say
so!〃

〃Indeed do I!  Your dead grandfather's sperrit comest to me the
tother night。〃

〃Oh no; I guess it's a mistake;〃 said Moses。

〃I'll bet two dollars and a quarter he did!〃 replied Elizy。  〃He
said; 'Moses is a Disguised Juke!'〃

〃You mean Duke;〃 said Moses。

〃Dost not the actors all call it Juke?〃 said she。

That settled the matter。

〃I hav thought of this thing afore;〃 said Moses; abstractedly。
〃If it is so; then thus it must be!  2 B or not 2 B!  Which?
Sow; sow!  But enuff。  O life! life!YOU'RE TOO MANY FOR ME!〃
He tore out some of his pretty yeller hair; stampt on the floor
sevril times; and was gone。

                CHAPTER III。THE PIRUT FOILED。

Sixteen long and weary years has elapst since the seens narrated
in the last chapter took place。  A noble ship; the Sary Jane; is
a sailin from France to Ameriky via the Wabash Canal。  A pirut
ship is in hot pursoot of the Sary。  The pirut capting isn't a
man of much principle and intends to kill all the people on bored
the Sary and confiscate the wallerbles。  The capting of the S。J。
is on the pint of givin in; when a fine lookin feller in russet
boots and a buffalo overcoat rushes forored and obsarves:

〃Old man! go down stairs!  Retire to the starbud bulkhed!  I'll
take charge of this Bote!〃

〃Owdashus cuss!〃 yelled the capting; 〃away with thee or I shall
do mur…rer…der…r…r!〃

〃Skurcely;〃 obsarved the stranger; and he drew a diamond…hilted
fish…knife and cut orf the capting's hed。  He expired shortly;
his last words bein; 〃we are governed too much。〃

〃People!〃 sed the stranger; 〃I'm the Juke d'Moses!〃

〃Old hoss!〃 sed a passenger; 〃methinks thou art blowin!〃
whareupon the Juke cut orf his hed also。

〃Oh that I should live to see myself a dead body!〃 screamed the
unfortnit man。  〃But don't print any verses about my deth in the
newspapers; for if you do I'll haunt ye!〃

〃People!〃 sed the Juke; 〃I alone can save you from yon bloody
pirut!  Ho! a peck of oats!〃  The oats was brought; and the Juke;
boldly mountin the jibpoop; throwed them onto the towpath。  The
pirut rapidly approached; chucklin with fiendish delight at the
idee of increasin his ill…gotten gains。  But the leadin hoss of
the pirut ship stopt suddent on comin to the oats; and commenst
for to devour them。  In vain the piruts swore and throwd stones
and bottles at the hosshe wouldn't budge a inch。  Meanwhile the
Sary Jane; her hosses on the full jump; was fast leavin the pirut
ship!

〃Onct agin do I escape deth!〃 sed the Juke between his clencht
teeth; still on the jibpoop。

                CHAPTER IV。  THE WANDERER'S RETURN。

The Juke was Moses the Sassy!  Yes; it was!

He had bin to France and now he was home agin in Bostin; which
gave birth to a Bunker Hill!!  He had some trouble in gitting
hisself acknowledged as Juke in France; as the Orleans Dienasty
and Borebones were fernest him; but he finally conkered。  Elizy
knowd him right off; as one of his ears and a part of his nose
had bin chawed off in his fights with opposition firemen during
boyhood's sunny hours。  They lived to a green old age; beloved by
all; both grate and small。  Their children; of which they have
numerous; often go up onto the Common and see the Fountain
squirt。

This is my 1st attempt at writin a Tail & it is far from bein
perfeck; but if I have indoosed folks to see that in 9 cases out
of 10 they can either make life as barren as the Desert of Sarah;
or as joyyus as a flower garding; my object will have been
accomplished; and more too。

3。2。  MARION:  A ROMANCE OF THE FRENCH SCHOOL。

                               I。

                                          ; Friday; ; 1860。

On the sad sea shore!  Always to hear the moaning of these dismal
waves!

Listen。  I will tell you my storymy story of love; of misery;
of black despair。

I am a moral Frenchman。

She whom I adore; whom I adore still; is the wife of a fat
Marquisa lop…eared; blear…eyed; greasy Marquis。  A man without
soul。  A man without sentiment; who cares naught for moonlight
and music。  A low; practical man; who pays his debts。  I hate
him。

                                II。

She; my soul's delight; my empress; my angel; is superbly
beautiful。

I loved her at first sightdevotedly; madly。

She dashed past me in her coupe。  I saw her but a momentperhaps
only an instantbut she took me captive then and there;
forevermore。

Forevermore!

I followed her; after that; wherever she went。  At length she
came to notice; to smile upon me。  My motto was en avant!  That
is a French word。  I got it out of the back part of Worcester's
Dictionary。

                                III。

She wrote me that I might come and see her at her own house。  Oh;
joy; joy unutterable; to see her at her own house!

I went to see her after nightfall; in the soft moonlight。

She came down the graveled walk to meet me; on this beautiful
midsummer nightcame to me in pure white; her golden hair in
splendid disorderstrangely beautiful; yet in tears!

She told me her fresh grievances。

The Marquis; always a despot; had latterly misused her most
vilely。

That very morning; at breakfast; he had cursed the fishballs and
sneered at the pickled onions。

She is a good cook。  The neighbors will tell you so。  And to be
told by the base Marquisa man who; previous to his marriage;
had lived at the cheap eating…housesto be told by him that her
manner of frying fishballs was a failureit was too much。

Her tears fell fast。  I too wept。  I mixed my sobs with her'n。
〃Fly with me!〃 I cried。

Her lips met mine。  I held her in my arms。  I felt her breath
upon my cheek!  It was Hunkey。

〃Fly with me。  To New York!  I will write romances for the Sunday
papersreal French romances; with morals to them。  My style will
be appreciated。  Shop girls and young mercantile persons will
adore it; and I will amass wealth with my ready pen。〃

Ere she could replyere she could a

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