father and son-第7节

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istency；　to　force　into　my　nature；　and　it　ran　parallel　with　them。　I　formed　strange　superstitions；　which　I　can　only　render　intelligible　by　naming　some　concrete　examples。　I　persuaded　myself　that；　if　I　could　only　discover　the　proper　words　to　say　or　the　proper　passes　to　make；　I　could　induce　the　gorgeous　birds　and　butterflies　in　my　Father's　illustrated　manuals　to　come　to　life；　and　fly　out　of　the　book；　leaving　holes　behind　them。　I　believed　that；　when；　at　the　Chapel；　we　sang；　drearily　and　slowly；　loud　hymns　of　experience　and　humiliation；　I　could　boom　forth　with　a　sound　equal　to　that　of　dozens　of　singers；　if　I　could　only　hit　upon　the　formula。　During　morning　and　evening　prayers；　which　were　extremely　lengthy　and　fatiguing；　I　fancied　that　one　of　my　two　selves　could　flit　up；　and　sit　clinging　to　the　cornice；　and　look　down　on　my　other　self　and　the　rest　of　us；　if　I　could　only　find　the　key。　I　laboured　for　hours　in　search　of　these　formulas；　thinking　to　compass　my　ends　by　means　absolutely　irrational。　For　example；　I　was　convinced　that　if　I　could　only　count　consecutive　numbers　long　enough；　without　losing　one；　I　should　suddenly；　on　reaching　some　far…distant　figure；　find　myself　in　possession　of　the　great　secret。　I　feel　quite　sure　that　nothing　external　suggested　these　ideas　of　magic；　and　I　think　it　probable　that　they　approached　the　ideas　of　savages　at　a　very　early　stage　of　development。

All　this　ferment　of　mind　was　entirely　unobserved　by　my　parents。　But　when　I　formed　the　belief　that　it　was　necessary；　for　the　success　of　my　practical　magic；　that　I　should　hurt　myself；　and　when；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　I　began；　in　extreme　secrecy；　to　run　pins　into　my　flesh　and　bang　my　joints　with　books；　no　one　will　be　surprised　to　hear　that　my　Mother's　attention　was　drawn　to　the　fact　that　I　was　looking　'delicate'。　The　notice　nowadays　universally　given　to　the　hygienic　rules　of　life　was　rare　fifty　years　ago　and　among　deeply　religious　people；　in　particular；　fatalistic　views　of　disease　prevailed。　If　anyone　was　ill；　it　showed　that　'the　Lord's　hand　was　extended　in　chastisement'；　and　much　prayer　was　poured　forth　in　order　that　it　might　be　explained　to　the　sufferer；　or　to　his　relations；　in　what　he　or　they　had　sinned。　People　would；　for　instance；　go　on　living　over　a　cess…　pool；　working　themselves　up　into　an　agony　to　discover　how　they　had　incurred　the　displeasure　of　the　Lord；　but　never　moving　away。　As　I　became　very　pale　and　nervous；　and　slept　badly　at　nights；　with　visions　and　loud　screams　in　my　sleep；　I　was　taken　to　a　physician；　who　stripped　me　and　tapped　me　all　over　（this　gave　me　some　valuable　hints　for　my　magical　practices）；　but　could　find　nothing　the　matter。　He　recommended；whatever　physicians　in　such　cases　always　recommend；but　nothing　was　done。　If　I　was　feeble　it　was　the　Lord's　will；　and　we　must　acquiesce。

It　culminated　in　a　sort　of　fit　of　hysterics；　when　I　lost　all　self…control；　and　sobbed　with　tears；　and　banged　my　head　on　the　table。　While　this　was　proceeding；　I　was　conscious　of　that　dual　individuality　of　which　I　have　already　spoken；　since　while　one　part　of　me　gave　way；　and　could　not　resist；　the　other　part　in　some　extraordinary　sense　seemed　standing　aloof；　much　impressed。　I　was　alone　with　my　Father　when　this　crisis　suddenly　occurred；　and　I　was　interested　to　see　that　he　was　greatly　alarmed。　It　was　a　very　long　time　since　we　had　spent　a　day　out　of　London；　and　I　said；　on　being　coaxed　back　to　calmness；　that　I　wanted　'to　go　into　the　country'。　Like　the　dying　Falstaff；　I　babbled　of　green　fields。　My　Father；　after　a　little　reflection；　proposed　to　take　me　to　Primrose　Hill。　I　had　never　heard　of　the　place；　and　names　have　always　appealed　directly　to　my　imagination。　I　was　in　the　highest　degree　delighted；　and　could　hardly　restrain　my　impatience。　As　soon　as　possible　we　set　forth　westward；　my　hand　in　my　Father's；　with　the　liveliest　anticipations。　I　expected　to　see　a　mountain　absolutely　carpeted　with　primroses；　a　terrestrial　galaxy　like　that　which　covered　the　hill　that　led　up　to　Montgomery　Castle　in　Donne's　poem。　But　at　length；　as　we　walked　from　the　Chalk　Farm　direction；　a　miserable　acclivity　stole　into　viewsurrounded；　even　in　those　days；　on　most　sides　by　houses；　with　its　grass　worn　to　the　buff　by　millions　of　boots；　and　resembling　what　I　meant　by　'the　country'　about　as　much　as　Poplar　resembles　Paradise。　We　sat　down　on　a　bench　at　its　inglorious　summit；　whereupon　I　burst　into　tears；　and　in　a　heart…rending　whisper　sobbed；　'Oh！　Papa；　let　us　go　home！'

This　was　the　lachrymose　epoch　in　a　career　not　otherwise　given　to　weeping；　for　I　must　tell　one　more　tale　of　tears。　About　this　time；the　autumn　of　1855；my　parents　were　disturbed　more　than　once　in　the　twilight；　after　I　had　been　put　to　bed；　by　shrieks　from　my　crib。　They　would　rush　up　to　my　side；　and　find　me　in　great　distress；　but　would　be　unable　to　discover　the　cause　of　it。　The　fact　was　that　I　was　half　beside　myself　with　ghostly　fears；　increased　and　pointed　by　the　fact　that　there　had　been　some　daring　burglaries　on　our　street。　Our　servant…maid；　who　slept　at　the　top　of　the　house；　had　seen；　or　thought　she　saw；　upon　a　moonlight　night　the　figure　of　a　crouching　man；　silhouetted　against　the　sky；　slip　down　from　the　roof　and　leap　into　her　room。　She　screamed；　and　he　fled　away。　Moreover；　as　if　this　were　not　enough　for　my　tender　nerves；　there　had　been　committed　a　horrid　murder　at　a　baker's　shop　just　around　the　corner　in　the　Caledonian　Road；　to　which　murder　actuality　was　given　to　us　by　the　fact　that　my　Mother　had　been　'just　thinking'　of　getting　her　bread　from　this　shop。　Children；　I　think；　were　not　spared　the　details　of　these　affairs　fifty　years　ago；　at　least；　I　was　not；　and　my　nerves　were　a　packet　of　spilikins。

But　what　made　me　scream　at　nights　was　that　when　my　Mother　had　tucked　me　up　in　bed；　and　had　heard　me　say　my　prayer；　and　had　prayed　aloud　on　her　knees　at　my　side；　and　had　stolen　downstairs　noises　immediately　began　in　the　room。　There　was　a　rustling　of　clothes；　and　a　slapping　of　hands；　and　a　gurgling；　and　a　sniffing；　and　a　trotting。　These　horrible　muffled　sounds　would　go　on；　and　die　away；　and　be　resumed；　I　would　pray　very　fervently　to　God　to　save　me　from　my　enemies；　and　sometimes　I　would　go　to　sleep。　But　on　other　occasions；　my　faith　and　fortitude　alike　gave　way；　and　I　screamed　'Mama！　Mama！'　Then　would　my　parents　come　bounding　up　the　stairs；　and　comfort　me；　and　kiss　me；　and　assure　me　it　was　nothing。　And　nothing　it　was　while　they　were　there；　but　no　sooner　had　they　gone　than　the　ghostly　riot　recommenced。　It　was　at　last　discovered　by　my　Mother　that　the　whole　mischief　was　due　to　a　card　of　framed　texts；　fastened　by　one　nail　to　the　wall；　this　did　nothing　when　the　bedroom　door　was　shut；　but　when　it　was　left　open　（in　order　that　my　parents　might　hear　me　call）；　the　card　began　to　gallop　in　the　draught；　and　made　the　most　intolerable　noises。

Several　things　tended　at　this　time　to　alienate　my　conscience　from　the　line　which　my　Father　had　so　rigidly　traced　for　it。　The　question　of　the　efficacy　of　prayer；　which　has　puzzled　wiser　heads　than　mine　was；　began　to　trouble　me。　It　was　insisted　on　in　our　household　that　if　anything　was　desired；　you　should　not；　as　my　Mother　said；　'lose　any　time　in　seeking　for　it；　but　ask　God　to　guide　you　to　it'。　In　many　junctures　of　life　this　is　precisely　what；　in　sober　fact；　they　did。　I　will　not　dwell　here　on　their　theories；　which　my　Mother　put　forth；　with　unflinching　directness；　in　her　published　writings。　But　I　found　that　a　difference　was　made　between　my　privileges　in　this　matter　and　theirs；　and　this　led　to　many　discussions。　My　patents　said：　'Whatever　you　need；　tell　Him　and　He　will　grant　it；　if　it　is　His　will。'　Very　well；　I　had　need　of　a　large　painted　humming…top　which　I　had　seen　in　a　shop…window　in　the　Caledonian　Road。　Accordingly；　I　introduced　a　supplication　for　this　object　into　my　evening　prayer；　carefully　adding　the　words：　'If　it　is　Thy　will。'　This；　I　recollect；　placed　my　Mother　in　a　dilemma；　and　she　consulted　my　Father。　Taken；　I　suppose；　at　a　disadvantage；　my　Father　told　me　I　must　not　pray　for　'things　like　that'。　To　which　I　answered　by　another　query；　'Why？'　And　I　added　that　he　said　we　ought　to　pray　for　things　we　needed；　and　that　I　needed　the　humming…top　a　great　deal　more　than　I　did　the　conversion　of　the　heathen　or　the　restitution　of　Jerusalem　to　the　Jews；　two　objects　of　my　nightly　supplication　which　left　me　very　cold。

I　have　reason　to　believe；　looking　back　upon　this　scene　conducted　by　candlelight　in　the　front　parlour；　that　my　Mother　was　much　baffled　by　the　logic　of　my　argument。　She　had　gone　so　far　as　to　say　publicly　that　no　'things　or　circumstances　are　too　insignificant　to　bring　before　the　God　of　the　whole　earth'。　I　persisted　that　this　covered　the　case　of　the　humming…top；　which　was　extremely　significant　to　me。　I　noticed　that　she　held　aloof　from　the　discussion；　which　was　carried　on　with　some　show　of　annoyance　by　my　Father。　He　had　never　gone　quite　so　far　as　she　did　in　regard　to　this　question　of　praying　for　material　things。　I　am　not　sure　that　she　was　convinced　that　I　ought　to　have　been　checked；　but　he　could　not　help　seeing　that　it　reduced　their　favourite　theory　to　an　absurdity　for　a　small　child　to　exercise　the　privilege。　He　ceased　to　argue；　and　told　me　peremptorily　that　it　was　not　right　for　me　to　pray　for　things　like　humming…tops；　and　that　I　must　do　it　no　more。