father and son-第6节

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as　that　of　a　thunderbolt；　for　what　my　Father　had　said　'was　not　true'。　My　Mother　and　I；　who　had　been　present　at　the　trifling　incident；　were　aware　that　it　had　not　happened　exactly　as　it　had　been　reported　to　him。　My　Mother　gently　told　him　so；　and　he　accepted　the　correction。　Nothing　could　possibly　have　been　more　trifling　to　my　parents；　but　to　me　it　meant　an　epoch。　Here　was　the　appalling　discovery；　never　suspected　before；　that　my　Father　was　not　as　God；　and　did　not　know　everything。　The　shock　was　not　caused　by　any　suspicion　that　he　was　not　telling　the　truth；　as　it　appeared　to　him；　but　by　the　awful　proof　that　he　was　not；　as　I　had　supposed；　omniscient。

This　experience　was　followed　by　another；　which　confirmed　the　first；　but　carried　me　a　great　deal　further。　In　our　little　back…garden；　my　Father　had　built　up　a　rockery　for　ferns　and　mosses　and　from　the　water…supply　of　the　house　he　had　drawn　a　leaden　pipe　so　that　it　pierced　upwards　through　the　rockery　and　produced；　when　a　tap　was　turned；　a　pretty　silvery　parasol　of　water。　The　pipe　was　exposed　somewhere　near　the　foot　of　the　rockery。　One　day；　two　workmen；　who　were　doing　some　repairs；　left　their　tools　during　the　dinner…hour　in　the　back…garden；　and　as　I　was　marching　about　I　suddenly　thought　that　to　see　whether　one　of　these　tools　could　make　a　hole　in　the　pipe　would　be　attractive。　It　did　make　such　a　hole；　quite　easily；　and　then　the　matter　escaped　my　mind。　But　a　day　or　two　afterwards；　when　my　Father　came　in　to　dinner；　he　was　very　angry。　He　had　turned　the　tap；　and　instead　of　the　fountain　arching　at　the　summit；　there　had　been　a　rush　of　water　through　a　hole　at　the　foot。　The　rockery　was　absolutely　ruined。

Of　course　I　realized　in　a　moment　what　I　had　done；　and　I　sat　frozen　with　alarm；　waiting　to　be　denounced。　But　my　Mother　remarked　on　the　visit　of　the　plumbers　two　or　three　days　before；　and　my　Father　instantly　took　up　the　suggestion。　No　doubt　that　was　it；　the　mischievous　fellows　had　thought　it　amusing　to　stab　the　pipe　and　spoil　the　fountain。　No　suspicion　fell　on　me；　no　question　was　asked　of　me。　I　sat　there；　turned　to　stone　within；　but　outwardly　sympathetic　and　with　unchecked　appetite。

We　attribute；　I　believe；　too　many　moral　ideas　to　little　children。　It　is　obvious　that　in　this　tremendous　juncture　I　ought　to　have　been　urged　forward　by　good　instincts；　or　held　back　by　naughty　ones。　But　I　am　sure　that　the　fear　which　I　experienced　for　a　short　time；　and　which　so　unexpectedly　melted　away；　was　a　purely　physical　one。　It　had　nothing　to　do　with　the　motions　of　a　contrite　heart。　As　to　the　destruction　of　the　fountain；　I　was　sorry　about　that；　for　my　own　sake；　since　I　admired　the　skipping　water　extremely　and　had　had　no　idea　that　I　was　spoiling　its　display。　But　the　emotions　which　now　thronged　within　me；　and　which　led　me；　with　an　almost　unwise　alacrity；　to　seek　solitude　in　the　back…　garden；　were　not　moral　at　all；　they　were　intellectual。　I　was　not　ashamed　of　having　successfullyand　so　surprisinglydeceived　my　parents　by　my　crafty　silence；　I　looked　upon　that　as　a　providential　escape；　and　dismissed　all　further　thought　of　it。　I　had　other　things　to　think　of。

In　the　first　place；　the　theory　that　my　Father　was　omniscient　or　infallible　was　now　dead　and　buried。　He　probably　knew　very　little；　in　this　case　he　had　not　known　a　fact　of　such　importance　that　if　you　did　not　know　that；　it　could　hardly　matter　what　you　knew。　My　Father；　as　a　deity；　as　a　natural　force　of　immense　prestige；　fell　in　my　eyes　to　a　human　level。　In　future；　his　statements　about　things　in　general　need　not　be　accepted　implicitly。　But　of　all　the　thoughts　which　rushed　upon　my　savage　and　undeveloped　little　brain　at　this　crisis；　the　most　curious　was　that　I　had　found　a　companion　and　a　confidant　in　myself。　There　was　a　secret　in　this　world　and　it　belonged　to　me　and　to　a　somebody　who　lived　in　the　same　body　with　me。　There　were　two　of　us；　and　we　could　talk　with　one　another。　It　is　difficult　to　define　impressions　so　rudimentary；　but　it　is　certain　that　it　was　in　this　dual　form　that　the　sense　of　my　individuality　now　suddenly　descended　upon　me；　and　it　is　equally　certain　that　it　was　a　great　solace　to　me　to　find　a　sympathizer　in　my　own　breast。

About　this　time；　my　Mother；　carried　away　by　the　current　of　her　literary　and　her　philanthropic　work；　left　me　more　and　more　to　my　own　devices。　She　was　seized　with　a　great　enthusiasm；　as　one　of　her　admirers　and　disciples　has　written；　'she　went　on　her　way；　sowing　beside　all　waters'。　I　would　not　for　a　moment　let　it　be　supposed　that　I　regard　her　as　a　Mrs。　Jellyby；　or　that　I　think　she　neglected　me。　But　a　remarkable　work　had　opened　up　before　her；　after　her　long　years　in　a　mental　hermitage；　she　was　drawn　forth　into　the　clamorous　harvest…field　of　souls。　She　developed　an　unexpected　gift　of　persuasion　over　strangers　whom　she　met　in　the　omnibus　or　in　the　train；　and　with　whom　she　courageously　grappled。　This　began　by　her　noting；　with　deep　humility　and　joy；　that　'I　have　reason　to　judge　the　sound　conversion　to　God　of　three　young　persons　within　a　few　weeks；　by　the　instrumentality　of　my　conversations　with　them'。　At　the　same　time；　as　another　of　her　biographers　has　said；　'those　testimonies　to　the　Blood　of　Christ；　the　fruits　of　her　pen；　began　to　be　spread　very　widely；　even　to　the　most　distant　parts　of　the　globe'。　My　Father；　too；　was　at　this　time　at　the　height　of　his　activity。　After　breakfast；　each　of　them　was　amply　occupied；　perhaps　until　night…fall；　our　evenings　we　still　always　spent　together。　Sometimes　my　Mother　took　me　with　her　on　her　'unknown　day's　employ'；　I　recollect　pleasant　rambles　through　the　City　by　her　side；　and　the　act　of　looking　up　at　her　figure　soaring　above　me。　But　when　all　was　done；　I　had　hours　and　hours　of　complete　solitude；　in　my　Father's　study；　in　the　back…　garden；　above　all　in　the　garret。

The　garret　was　a　fairy　place。　It　was　a　low　lean…to；　lighted　from　the　roof。　It　was　wholly　unfurnished；　except　for　two　objects；　an　ancient　hat…box　and　a　still　more　ancient　skin…trunk。　The　hat…box　puzzled　me　extremely；　till　one　day；　asking　my　Father　what　it　was；　I　got　a　distracted　answer　which　led　me　to　believe　that　it　was　itself　a　sort　of　hat；　and　I　made　a　laborious　but　repeated　effort　to　wear　it。　The　skin…trunk　was　absolutely　empty；　but　the　inside　of　the　lid　of　it　was　lined　with　sheets　of　what　I　now　know　to　have　been　a　sensational　novel。　It　was；　of　course；　a　fragment；　but　I　read　it；　kneeling　on　the　bare　floor；　with　indescribable　rapture。　It　will　be　recollected　that　the　idea　of　fiction；　of　a　deliberately　invented　story；　had　been　kept　from　me　with　entire　success。　I　therefore　implicitly　believed　the　tale　in　the　lid　of　the　trunk　to　be　a　true　account　of　the　sorrows　of　a　lady　of　title；　who　had　to　flee　the　country；　and　who　was　pursued　into　foreign　lands　by　enemies　bent　upon　her　ruin。　Somebody　had　an　interview　with　a　'minion'　in　a　'mask'；　I　went　downstairs　and　looked　up　these　words　in　Bailey's　English　Dictionary；　but　was　left　in　darkness　as　to　what　they　had　to　do　with　the　lady　of　title。　This　ridiculous　fragment　filled　me　with　delicious　fears；　I　fancied　that　my　Mother；　who　was　out　so　much；　might　be　threatened　by　dangers　of　the　same　sort；　and　the　fact　that　the　narrative　came　abruptly　to　an　end；　in　the　middle　of　one　of　its　most　thrilling　sentences；　wound　me　up　almost　to　a　disorder　of　wonder　and　romance。

The　preoccupation　of　my　parents　threw　me　more　and　more　upon　my　own　resources。　But　what　are　the　resources　of　a　solitary　child　of　six？　I　was　never　inclined　to　make　friends　with　servants；　nor　did　our　successive　maids　proffer；　so　far　as　I　recollect；　any　advances。　Perhaps；　with　my　'dedication'　and　my　grown…up　ways　of　talking；　I　did　not　seem　to　them　at　all　an　attractive　little　boy。　I　continued　to　have　no　companions；　or　even　acquaintances　of　my　own　age。　I　am　unable　to　recollect　exchanging　two　words　with　another　child　till　after　my　Mother's　death。

The　abundant　energy　which　my　Mother　now　threw　into　her　public　work　did　not　affect　the　quietude　of　our　private　life。　We　had　some　visitors　in　the　daytime；　people　who　came　to　consult　one　parent　or　the　other。　But　they　never　stayed　to　a　meal；　and　we　never　returned　their　visits。　I　do　not　quite　know　how　it　was　that　neither　of　my　parents　took　me　to　any　of　the　sights　of　London；　although　I　am　sure　it　was　a　question　of　principle　with　them。　Notwithstanding　all　our　study　of　natural　history；　I　was　never　introduced　to　live　wild　beasts　at　the　Zoo；　nor　to　dead　ones　at　the　British　Museum。　I　can　understand　better　why　we　never　visited　a　picture…gallery　or　a　concert…room。　So　far　as　I　can　recollect；　the　only　time　I　was　ever　taken　to　any　place　of　entertainment　was　when　my　Father　and　I　paid　a　visit；　long　anticipated；　to　the　Great　Globe　in　Leicester　Square。　This　was　a　huge　structure；　the　interior　of　which　one　ascended　by　means　of　a　spiral　staircase。　It　was　a　poor　affair；　that　was　concave　in　it　which　should　have　been　convex；　and　my　imagination　was　deeply　affronted。　I　could　invent　a　far　better　Great　Globe　than　that　in　my　mind's　eye　in　the　garret。

Being　so　restricted；　then；　and　yet　so　active；　my　mind　took　refuge　in　an　infantile　species　of　natural　magic。　This　contended　with　the　definite　ideas　of　religion　which　my　parents　were　continuing；　with　too　mechanical　a　persistency；　to　force　into　my　nature；　and　it　ran　parallel　with　them。　I　formed　strange　superstitions；　whi