father and son-第5节

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reat　affection；　and　chucking　me　under　the　chin；　that　I　was　'a　nice　little　ordinary　boy'。　My　Mother；　stung　by　this　want　of　appreciation；　would　proceed　so　far　as　to　declare　that　she　believed　that　in　future　times　the　F。R。S；　would　be　chiefly　known　as　his　son's　father！　（This　is　a　pleasantry　frequent　in　professional　families。）

To　this　my　Father；　whether　convinced　or　not；　would　make　no　demur；　and　the　couple　would　begin　to　discuss；　in　my　presence；　the　direction　which　my　shining　talents　would　take。　In　consequence　of　my　dedication　to　'the　Lord's　Service'；　the　range　of　possibilities　was　much　restricted。　My　Father；　who　had　lived　long　in　the　Tropics；　and　who　nursed　a　perpetual　nostalgia　for　'the　little　lazy　isles　where　the　trumpet…orchids　blow'；　leaned　towards　the　field　of　missionary　labour。　My　Mother；　who　was　cold　about　foreign　missions；　preferred　to　believe　that　I　should　be　the　Charles　Wesley　of　my　age；　'or　perhaps'；　she　had　the　candour　to　admit；　'merely　the　George　Whitefield'。　I　cannot　recollect　the　time　when　I　did　not　understand　that　I　was　going　to　be　a　minister　of　the　Gospel。

It　is　so　generally　taken　for　granted　that　a　life　strictly　dedicated　to　religion　is　stiff　and　dreary；　that　I　may　have　some　difficulty　in　persuading　my　readers　that；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　in　these　early　days　of　my　childhood；　before　disease　and　death　had　penetrated　to　our　slender　society；　we　were　always　cheerful　and　often　gay。　My　parents　were　playful　with　one　another；　and　there　were　certain　stock　family　jests　which　seldom　failed　to　enliven　the　breakfast　table。　My　Father　and　Mother　lived　so　completely　in　the　atmosphere　of　faith；　and　were　so　utterly　convinced　of　their　intercourse　with　God；　that；　so　long　as　that　intercourse　was　not　clouded　by　sin；　to　which　they　were　delicately　sensitive；　they　could　afford　to　take　the　passing　hour　very　lightly。　They　would　even；　to　a　certain　extent；　treat　the　surroundings　of　their　religion　as　a　subject　of　jest；　joking　very　mildly　and　gently　about　such　things　as　an　attitude　at　prayer　or　the　nature　of　a　supplication。　They　were　absolutely　indifferent　to　forms。　They　prayed；　seated　in　their　chairs；　as　willingly　as；　reversed；　upon　their　knees；　no　ritual　having　any　significance　for　them。　My　Mother　was　sometimes　extremely　gay；　laughing　with　a　soft；　merry　sound。　What　I　have　since　been　told　of　the　guileless　mirth　of　nuns　in　a　convent　has　reminded　me　of　the　gaiety　of　my　parents　during　my　early　childhood。

So　long　as　I　was　a　mere　part　of　them；　without　individual　existence；　and　swept　on；　a　satellite；　in　their　atmosphere；　I　was　mirthful　when　they　were　mirthful；　and　grave　when　they　were　grave。　The　mere　fact　that　I　had　no　young　companions；　no　storybooks；　no　outdoor　amusements；　none　of　the　thousand　and　one　employments　provided　for　other　children　in　more　conventional　surroundings；　did　not　make　me　discontented　or　fretful；　because　I　did　not　know　of　the　existence　of　such　entertainments。　In　exchange；　I　became　keenly　attentive　to　the　limited　circle　of　interests　open　to　me。　Oddly　enough；　I　have　no　recollection　of　any　curiosity　about　other　children；　nor　of　any　desire　to　speak　to　them　or　play　with　them。　They　did　not　enter　into　my　dreams；　which　were　occupied　entirely　with　grown…up　people　and　animals。　I　had　three　dolls；　to　whom　my　attitude　was　not　very　intelligible。　Two　of　these　were　female；　one　with　a　shapeless　face　of　rags；　the　other　in　wax。　But；　in　my　fifth　year；　when　the　Crimean　War　broke　out；　I　was　given　a　third　doll；　a　soldier；　dressed　very　smartly　in　a　scarlet　cloth　tunic。　I　used　to　put　the　dolls　on　three　chairs；　and　harangue　them　aloud；　but　my　sentiment　to　them　was　never　confidential；　until　our　maid…servant　one　day；　intruding　on　my　audience；　and　misunderstanding　the　occasion　of　it；　said：　'What？　a　boy；　and　playing　with　a　soldier　when　he's　got　two　lady…dolls　to　play　with？'　I　had　never　thought　of　my　dolls　as　confidants　before；　but　from　that　time　forth　I　paid　a　special　attention　to　the　soldier；　in　order　to　make　up　to　him　for　Lizzie's　unwarrantable　insult。

The　declaration　of　war　with　Russia　brought　the　first　breath　of　outside　life　into　our　Calvinist　cloister。　My　parents　took　in　a　daily　newspaper；　which　they　had　never　done　before；　and　events　in　picturesque　places；　which　my　Father　and　I　looked　out　on　the　map；　were　eagerly　discussed。　One　of　my　vividest　early　memories　can　be　dated　exactly。　I　was　playing　about　the　house；　and　suddenly　burst　into　the　breakfast…room；　where；　close　to　the　door；　sat　an　amazing　figure；　a　very　tall　young　man；　as　stiff　as　my　doll；　in　a　gorgeous　scarlet　tunic。　Quite　far　away　from　him；　at　her　writing…table；　my　Mother　sat　with　her　Bible　open　before　her；　and　was　urging　the　gospel　plan　of　salvation　on　his　acceptance。　She　promptly　told　me　to　run　away　and　play；　but　I　had　seen　a　great　sight。　This　guardsman　was　in　the　act　of　leaving　for　the　Crimea；　and　his　adventures；he　was　converted　in　consequence　of　my　Mother's　instruction；were　afterwards　told　by　her　in　a　tract；　called　'The　Guardsman　of　the　Alma'；　of　which　I　believe　that　more　than　half　a　million　copies　were　circulated。　He　was　killed　in　that　battle；　and　this　added　an　extraordinary　lustre　to　my　dream　of　him。　I　see　him　still　in　my　mind's　eye；　large；　stiff；　and　unspeakably　brilliant；　seated；　from　respect；　as　near　as　possible　to　our　parlour　door。　This　apparition　gave　reality　to　my　subsequent　conversations　with　the　soldier　doll。

That　same　victory　of　the　Alma；　which　was　reported　in　London　on　my　fifth　birthday；　is　also　marked　very　clearly　in　my　memory　by　a　family　circumstance。　We　were　seated　at　breakfast；　at　our　small　round　table　drawn　close　up　to　the　window；　my　Father　with　his　back　to　the　light。　Suddenly；　he　gave　a　sort　of　cry；　and　read　out　the　opening　sentences　from　The　Times　announcing　a　battle　in　the　valley　of　the　Alma。　No　doubt　the　strain　of　national　anxiety　had　been　very　great；　for　both　he　and　my　Mother　seemed　deeply　excited。　He　broke　off　his　reading　when　the　fact　of　the　decisive　victory　was　assured；　and　he　and　my　Mother　sank　simultaneously　on　their　knees　in　front　of　their　tea　and　bread…and…butter；　while　in　a　loud　voice　my　Father　gave　thanks　to　the　God　of　Battles。　This　patriotism　was　the　more　remarkable；　in　that　he　had　schooled　himself；　as　he　believed；　to　put　his　'heavenly　citizenship'　above　all　earthly　duties。　To　those　who　said：　'Because　you　are　a　Christian；　surely　you　are　not　less　an　Englishman？'　he　would　reply　by　shaking　his　head；　and　by　saying：　'I　am　a　citizen　of　no　earthly　State'。　He　did　not　realize　that；　in　reality；　and　to　use　a　cant　phrase　not　yet　coined　in　1854；　there　existed　in　Great　Britain　no　more　thorough　'Jingo'　than　he。

Another　instance　of　the　remarkable　way　in　which　the　interests　of　daily　life　were　mingled　in　our　strange　household；　with　the　practice　of　religion；　made　an　impression　upon　my　memory。　We　had　all　three　been　much　excited　by　a　report　that　a　certain　dark　geometer…moth；　generated　in　underground　stables；　had　been　met　with　in　Islington。　Its　name；　I　think　is；　'Boletobia　fuliginaria'；　and　I　believe　that　it　is　excessively　rare　in　England。　We　were　sitting　at　family　prayers；　on　a　summer　morning；　I　think　in　1855；　when　through　the　open　window　a　brown　moth　came　sailing。　My　Mother　immediately　interrupted　the　reading　of　the　Bible　by　saying　to　my　Father；　'O！　Henry；　do　you　think　that　can　be　〃Boletobia〃？'　My　Father　rose　up　from　the　sacred　book；　examined　the　insect；　which　had　now　perched；　and　replied：　'No！　it　is　only　the　common　Vapourer；　〃Orgyia　antiqua〃！'；　resuming　his　seat；　and　the　exposition　of　the　Word；　without　any　apology　or　embarrassment。

In　the　course　of　this；　my　sixth　year；　there　happened　a　series　of　minute　and　soundless　incidents　which；　elementary　as　they　may　seem　when　told；　were　second　in　real　importance　to　none　in　my　mental　history。　The　recollection　of　them　confirms　me　in　the　opinion　that　certain　leading　features　in　each　human　soul　are　inherent　to　it；　and　cannot　be　accounted　for　by　suggestion　or　training。　In　my　own　case；　I　was　most　carefully　withdrawn；　like　Princess　Blanchefleur　in　her　marble　fortress；　from　every　outside　influence　whatever；　yet　to　me　the　instinctive　life　came　as　unexpectedly　as　her　lover　came　to　her　in　the　basket　of　roses。　What　came　to　me　was　the　consciousness　of　self；　as　a　force　and　as　a　companion；　and　it　came　as　the　result　of　one　or　two　shocks；　which　I　will　relate。

In　consequence　of　hearing　so　much　about　an　Omniscient　God；　a　being　of　supernatural　wisdom　and　penetration　who　was　always　with　us；　who　made；　in　fact；　a　fourth　in　our　company；　I　had　come　to　think　of　Him；　not　without　awe；　but　with　absolute　confidence。　My　Father　and　Mother；　in　their　serene　discipline　of　me；　never　argued　with　one　another；　never　even　differed；　their　wills　seemed　absolutely　one。　My　Mother　always　deferred　to　my　Father；　and　in　his　absence　spoke　of　him　to　me；　as　if　he　were　all…wise。　I　confused　him　in　some　sense　with　God；　at　all　events　I　believed　that　my　Father　knew　everything　and　saw　everything。　One　morning　in　my　sixth　year；　my　Mother　and　I　were　alone　in　the　morning…room；　when　my　Father　came　in　and　announced　some　fact　to　us。　I　was　standing　on　the　rug；　gazing　at　him；　and　when　he　made　this　statement；　I　remember　turning　quickly；　in　embarrassment；　and　looking　into　the　fire。　The　shock　to　me　was　as　that　of　a　thunderbolt；　for　what　my　Father　had　said　'was　not　true'。　My　Mother　and　I；　who　had　been