father and son-第48节

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My　Father　was　entirely　devoid　of　the　prudence　which　turns　away　its　eyes　and　passes　as　rapidly　as　possible　in　the　opposite　direction。　The　peculiar　kind　of　drama　in　which　every　sort　of　social　discomfort　is　welcomed　rather　than　that　the　characters　should　be　happy　when　guilty　of　'acting　a　lie'；　was　not　invented　in　those　days；　and　there　can　hardly　be　imagined　a　figure　more　remote　from　my　Father　than　Ibsen。　Yet　when　I　came；　at　a　far　later　date；　to　read　The　Wild　Duck；　memories　of　the　embarrassing　household　of　my　infancy　helped　me　to　realize　Gregers　Werle；　with　his　determination　to　pull　the　veil　of　illusion　away　from　every　compromise　that　makes　life　bearable。

I　was　docile；　I　was　plausible；　I　was　anything　but　combative；　if　my　Father　could　have　persuaded　himself　to　let　me　alone；　if　he　could　merely　have　been　willing　to　leave　my　subterfuges　and　my　explanations　unanalysed；　all　would　have　been　well。　But　he　refused　to　see　any　difference　in　temperament　between　a　lad　of　twenty　and　a　sage　of　sixty。　He　had　no　vital　sympathy　for　youth；　which　in　itself　had　no　charm　for　him。　He　had　no　compassion　for　the　weaknesses　of　immaturity；　and　his　one　and　only　anxiety　was　to　be　at　the　end　of　his　spiritual　journey；　safe　with　me　in　the　house　where　there　are　many　mansions。　The　incidents　of　human　life　upon　the　road　to　glory　were　less　than　nothing　to　him。

My　Father　was　very　fond　of　defining　what　was　his　own　attitude　at　this　time；　and　he　was　never　tired　of　urging　the　same　ambition　upon　me。　He　regarded　himself　as　the　faithful　steward　of　a　Master　who　might　return　at　any　moment；　and　who　would　require　to　find　everything　ready　for　his　convenience。　That　master　was　God；　with　whom　my　Father　seriously　believed　himself　to　be　in　relations　much　more　confidential　than　those　vouchsafed　to　ordinary　pious　persons。　He　awaited；　with　anxious　hope；　'the　coming　of　the　Lord'；　an　event　which　he　still　frequently　believed　to　be　imminent。　He　would　calculate；　by　reference　to　prophecies　in　the　Old　and　New　Testament；　the　exact　date　of　this　event；　the　date　would　pass；　without　the　expected　Advent；　and　he　would　be　more　than　disappointed；he　would　be　incensed。　Then　he　would　understand　that　he　must　have　made　some　slight　error　in　calculation；　and　the　pleasures　of　anticipation　would　recommence。

Me　in　all　this　he　used　as　a　kind　of　inferior　coadjutor；　much　as　a　responsible　and　upper　servant　might　use　a　footboy。　I；　also；　must　be　watching；　it　was　not　important　that　I　should　be　seriously　engaged　in　any　affairs　of　my　own。　I　must　be　ready　for　the　Master's　coming；　and　my　Father's　incessant　cross…examination　was　made　in　the　spirit　of　a　responsible　servant　who　fidgets　lest　some　humble　but　essential　piece　of　household　work　has　been　neglected。

My　holidays；　however；　and　all　my　personal　relations　with　my　Father　were　poisoned　by　this　insistency。　I　was　never　at　my　ease　in　his　company；　I　never　knew　when　I　might　not　be　subjected　to　a　series　of　searching　questions　which　I　should　not　be　allowed　to　evade。　Meanwhile；　on　every　other　stage　of　experience　I　was　gaining　the　reliance　upon　self　and　the　respect　for　the　opinion　of　others　which　come　naturally　to　a　young　man　of　sober　habits　who　earns　his　own　living　and　lives　his　own　life。　For　this　kind　of　independence　my　Father　had　no　respect　or　consideration；　when　questions　of　religion　were　introduced；　although　he　handsomely　conceded　it　on　other　points。　And　now　first　there　occurred　to　me　the　reflection；　which　in　years　to　come　I　was　to　repeat　over　and　over；　with　an　ever　sadder　emphasis；what　a　charming　companion；　what　a　delightful　parent；　what　a　courteous　and　engaging　friend　my　Father　would　have　been；　and　would　pre…eminently　have　been　to　me；　if　it　had　not　been　for　this　stringent　piety　which　ruined　it　all。

Let　me　speak　plainly。　After　my　long　experience；　after　my　patience　and　forbearance；　I　have　surely　the　right　to　protest　against　the　untruth　（would　that　I　could　apply　to　it　any　other　word！）　that　evangelical　religion；　or　any　religion　in　a　violent　form；　is　a　wholesome　or　valuable　or　desirable　adjunct　to　human　life。　It　divides　heart　from　heart。　It　sets　up　a　vain；　chimerical　ideal；　in　the　barren　pursuit　of　which　all　the　tender；　indulgent　affections；　all　the　genial　play　of　life；　all　the　exquisite　pleasures　and　soft　resignations　of　the　body；　all　that　enlarges　and　calms　the　soul　are　exchanged　for　what　is　harsh　and　void　and　negative。　It　encourages　a　stern　and　ignorant　spirit　of　condemnation；　it　throws　altogether　out　of　gear　the　healthy　movement　of　the　conscience；　it　invents　virtues　which　are　sterile　and　cruel；　it　invents　sins　which　are　no　sins　at　all；　but　which　darken　the　heaven　of　innocent　joy　with　futile　clouds　of　remorse。　There　is　something　horrible；　if　we　will　bring　ourselves　to　face　it；　in　the　fanaticism　that　can　do　nothing　with　this　pathetic　and　fugitive　existence　of　ours　but　treat　it　as　if　it　were　the　uncomfortable　ante…chamber　to　a　palace　which　no　one　has　explored　and　of　the　plan　of　which　we　know　absolutely　nothing。　My　Father；　it　is　true；　believed　that　he　was　intimately　acquainted　with　the　form　and　furniture　of　this　habitation；　and　he　wished　me　to　think　of　nothing　else　but　of　the　advantages　of　an　eternal　residence　in　it。

Then　came　a　moment　when　my　self…sufficiency　revolted　against　the　police…inspection　to　which　my　'views'　were　incessantly　subjected。　There　was　a　morning；　in　the　hot…house　at　home；　among　the　gorgeous　waxen　orchids　which　reminded　my　Father　of　the　tropics　in　his　youth；　when　my　forbearance　or　my　timidity　gave　way。　The　enervated　air；　soaked　with　the　intoxicating　perfumes　of　all　those　voluptuous　flowers；　may　have　been　partly　responsible　for　my　outburst。　My　Father　had　once　more　put　to　me　the　customary　interrogatory。　Was　I　'walking　closely　with　God'？　Was　my　sense　of　the　efficacy　of　the　Atonement　clear　and　sound？　Had　the　Holy　Scriptures　still　their　full　authority　with　me？　My　replies　on　this　occasion　were　violent　and　hysterical。　I　have　no　clear　recollection　what　it　was　that　I　said；I　desire　not　to　recall　the　whimpering　sentences　in　which　I　begged　to　be　let　alone；　in　which　I　demanded　the　right　to　think　for　myself；　in　which　I　repudiated　the　idea　that　my　Father　was　responsible　to　God　for　my　secret　thoughts　and　my　most　intimate　convictions。

He　made　no　answer；　I　broke　from　the　odorous　furnace　of　the　conservatory；　and　buried　my　face　in　the　cold　grass　upon　the　lawn。　My　visit　to　Devonshire；　already　near　its　close；　was　hurried　to　an　end。　I　had　scarcely　arrived　in　London　before　the　following　letter；　furiously　despatched　in　the　track　of　the　fugitive；　buried　itself　like　an　arrow　in　my　heart：

When　your　sainted　Mother　died；　she　not　only　tenderly　committed　you　to　God；　but　left　you　also　as　a　solemn　charge　to　me；　to　bring　you　up　in　the　nurture　and　admonition　of　the　Lord。　That　responsibility　I　have　sought　constantly　to　keep　before　me：　I　can　truly　aver　that　it　has　been　ever　before　mein　my　choice　of　a　housekeeper；　in　my　choice　of　a　school；　in　my　ordering　of　your　holidays；　in　my　choice　of　a　second　wife；　in　my　choice　of　an　occupation　for　you；　in　my　choice　of　a　residence　for　you；　and　in　multitudes　of　lesser　thingsI　have　sought　to　act　for　you；　not　in　the　light　of　this　present　world；　but　with　a　view　to　Eternity。

Before　your　childhood　was　past；　there　seemed　God's　manifest　blessing　on　our　care；　for　you　seemed　truly　converted　to　Him；　you　confessed；　in　solemn　baptism；　that　you　had　died　and　had　been　raised　with　Christ；　and　you　were　received　with　joy　into　the　bosom　of　the　Church　of　God；　as　one　alive　from　the　dead。

All　this　filled　my　heart　with　thankfulness　and　joy；　whenever　I　thought　of　you：how　could　it　do　otherwise？　And　when　I　left　you　in　London；　on　that　dreary　winter　evening；　my　heart；　full　of　sorrowing　love；　found　its　refuge　and　its　resource　in　this　thought；that　you　'were　one　of　the　lambs　of　Christ's　flock；　sealed　with　the　Holy　Spirit　as　His；　renewed　in　heart　to　holiness；　in　the　image　of　God。

For　a　while；　all　appeared　to　go　on　fairly　well：　we　yearned；　indeed；　to　discover　more　of　heart　in　your　allusions　to　religious　matters；　but　your　expressions　towards　us　were　filial　and　affectionate；　your　conduct；　so　far　as　we　could　see；　was　moral　and　becoming；　you　mingled　with　the　people　of　God；　spoke　of　occasional　delight　and　profit　in　His　ordinances；　and　employed　your　talents　in　service　to　Him。

But　of　late；　and　specially　during　the　past　year；　there　has　become　manifest　a　rapid　progress　towards　evil。　（I　must　beg　you　here　to　pause；　and　again　to　look　to　God　for　grace　to　weigh　what　I　am　about　to　say；　or　else　wrath　will　rise。）

When　you　came　to　us　in　the　summer；　the　heavy　blow　fell　full　upon　me；　and　I　discovered　how　very　far　you　had　departed　from　God。　It　was　not　that　you　had　yielded　to　the　strong　tide　of　youthful　blood；　and　had　fallen　a　victim　to　fleshly　lusts；　in　that　case；　however　sad；　your　enlightened　conscience　would　have　spoken　loudly；　and　you　would　have　found　your　way　back　to　the　blood　which　cleanseth　us　from　all　sin；　to　humble　confession　and　self…　abasement；　to　forgiveness　and　to　recommunion　with　God。　It　was　not　this；　it　was　worse。　It　was　that　horrid；　insidious　infidelity；　which　had　already　worked　in　your　mind　and　heart　with　terrible　energy。　Far　worse；　I　say；　because　this　was　sapping　the　very　foundations　of　faith；　on　which　all　true　godliness；　all　real　religion；　must　rest。

Nothing　seemed　left