father and son-第46节

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ss　I　put　forth　by　way　of　baffling　my　Father's　direct；　firm；　unflinching　strength。　To　an　appeal　against　the　bondage　of　a　correspondence　of　such　unbroken　solemnity　I　would　receivewith　what　a　paralysing　promptitude！such　a　reply　as　this：

Let　me　say　that　the　'solemnity'　you　complain　of　has　only　been　the　expression　of　tender　anxiousness　of　a　father's　heart；　that　his　only　child；　just　turned　out　upon　the　world；　and　very　far　out　of　his　sight　and　hearing；　should　be　walking　in　God's　way。　Recollect　that　it　is　not　now　as　it　was　when　you　were　at　school；　when　we　had　personal　communication　with　you　at　intervals　of　five　days　we　now　know　absolutely　nothing　of　you；　save　from　your　letters；　and　if　they　do　not　indicate　your　spiritual　prosperity；　the　deepest　solicitudes　of　our　hearts　have　nothing　to　feed　on。　But　I　will　try　henceforth　to　trust　you；　and　lay　aside　my　fears；　for　you　are　worthy　of　my　confidence；　and　your　own　God　and　your　father's　God　will　hold　you　with　His　right　hand。

Over　such　letters　as　these　I　am　not　ashamed　to　say　that　I　sometimes　wept；　the　old　paper　I　have　just　been　copying　shows　traces　of　tears　shed　upon　it　more　than　forty　years　ago；　tears　commingled　of　despair　at　my　own　feebleness；　distraction；　at　my　want　of　will；　pity　for　my　Father's　manifest　and　pathetic　distress。　He　would　'try　henceforth　to　trust'　me；　he　said。　Alas！　the　effort　would　be　in　vain；　after　a　day　or　two；　after　a　hollow　attempt　to　write　of　other　things；　the　importunate　subject　would　recur；　there　would　intrude　again　the　inevitable　questions　about　the　Atonement　and　the　Means　of　Grace；　the　old　anxious　fears　lest　I　was　'yielding'　my　intimacy　to　agreeable　companions　who　were　not　'one　with　me　in　Christ'；　fresh　passionate　entreaties　to　be　assured；　in　every　letter；　that　I　was　walking　in　the　clear　light　of　God's　presence。

It　seems　to　me　now　profoundly　strange；　although　I　knew　too　little　of　the　world　to　remark　it　at　the　time；　that　these　incessant　exhortations　dealt；　not　with　conduct；　but　with　faith。　Earlier　in　this　narrative　I　have　noted　how　disdainfully；　with　what　an　austere　pride；　my　Father　refused　to　entertain　the　subject　of　personal　shortcomings　in　my　behaviour。　There　were　enough　of　them　to　blame；　Heaven　knows；　but　he　was　too　lofty…minded　a　gentleman　to　dwell　upon　them；　and；　though　by　nature　deeply　suspicious　of　the　possibility　of　frequent　moral　lapses；　even　in　the　very　elect；　he　refused　to　stoop　to　anything　like　espionage。

I　owe　him　a　deep　debt　of　gratitude　for　his　beautiful　faith　in　me　in　this　respect；　and　now　that　I　was　alone　in　London；　at　this　tender　time　of　life；　'exposed'；　as　they　say；　to　all　sorts　of　dangers；　as　defenceless　as　a　fledgling　that　has　been　turned　out　of　its　nest；　yet　my　Father　did　not；　in　his　uplifted　Quixotism；　allow　himself　to　fancy　me　guilty　of　any　moral　misbehaviour；　but　concentrated　his　fears　entirely　upon　my　faith。

'Let　me　know　more　of　your　inner　light。　Does　the　candle　of　the　Lord　shine　on　your　soul？'　This　would　be　the　ceaseless　inquiry。　Or；　again；　'Do　you　get　any　spiritual　companionship　with　young　men？　You　passed　over　last　Sunday　without　even　a　word；　yet　this　day　is　the　most　interesting　to　me　in　your　whole　week。　Do　you　find　the　ministry　of　the　Word　pleasant；　and；　above　all；　profitable？　Does　it　bring　your　soul　into　exercise　before　God？　The　Coming　of　Christ　draweth　nigh。　Watch；　therefore　and　pray　always；　that　you　may　be　counted　worthy　to　stand　before　the　Son　of　Man。'

If　I　quote　such　passages　as　this　from　my　Father's　letters　to　me；　it　is　not　that　I　seek　entertainment　in　a　contrast　between　his　earnestness　and　the　casuistical　inattention　and　provoked　distractedness　of　a　young　man　to　whom　the　real　world　now　offered　its　irritating　and　stimulating　scenes　of　animal　and　intellectual　life；　but　to　call　out　sympathy；　and　perhaps　wonder；　at　the　spectacle　of　so　blind　a　Roman　firmness　as　my　Father's　spiritual　attitude　displayed。

His　aspirations　were　individual　and　metaphysical。　At　the　present　hour；　so　complete　is　the　revolution　which　has　overturned　the　puritanism　of　which　he　was　perhaps　the　latest　surviving　type；　that　all　classes　of　religious　persons　combine　in　placing　philanthropic　activity；　the　objective　attitude；　in　the　foreground。　It　is　extraordinary　how　far…reaching　the　change　has　been；　so　that　nowadays　a　religion　which　does　not　combine　with　its　subjective　faith　a　strenuous　labour　for　the　good　of　others　is　hardly　held　to　possess　any　religious　principle　worth　proclaiming。

This　propaganda　of　beneficence；　this　constant　attention　to　the　moral　and　physical　improvement　of　persons　who　have　been　neglected；　is　quite　recent　as　a　leading　feature　of　religion；　though　indeed　it　seems　to　have　formed　some　part　of　the　Saviour's　original　design。　It　was　unknown　to　the　great　preachers　of　the　seventeenth　century；　whether　Catholic　or　Protestant；　and　it　offered　but　a　shadowy　attraction　to　my　Father；　who　was　the　last　of　their　disciples。　When　Bossuet　desired　his　hearers　to　listen　to　the　cri　de　misere　l'entour　de　nous；　qui　devrait　nous　fondre　le　coeur；　he　started　a　new　thing　in　the　world　of　theology。　We　may　search　the　famous　'Rule　and　Exercises　of　Holy　Living'　from　cover　to　cover；　and　not　learn　that　Jeremy　Taylor　would　have　thought　that　any　activity　of　the　district…visitor　or　the　Salvation　lassie　came　within　the　category　of　saintliness。

My　Father；　then；　like　an　old　divine；　concentrated　on　thoughts　upon　the　intellectual　part　of　faith。　In　his　obsession　about　me；　he　believed　that　if　my　brain　could　be　kept　unaffected　by　any　of　the　seductive　errors　of　the　age；　and　my　heart　centred　in　the　adoring　love　of　God；　all　would　be　well　with　me　in　perpetuity。　He　was　still　convinced　that　by　intensely　directing　my　thoughts；　he　could　compel　them　to　flow　in　a　certain　channel；　since　he　had　not　begun　to　learn　the　lesson；　so　mournful　for　saintly　men　of　his　complexion；　that　'virtue　would　not　be　virtue；　could　it　be　given　by　one　fellow　creature　to　another'。　He　had　recognized；　with　reluctance；　that　holiness　was　not　hereditary；　but　he　continued　to　hope　that　it　might　be　compulsive。　I　was　still　'the　child　of　many　prayers'；　and　it　was　not　to　be　conceded　that　these　prayers　could　remain　unanswered。

The　great　panacea　was　now；　as　always；　the　study　of　the　Bible；　and　this　my　Father　never　ceased　to　urge　upon　me。　He　presented　to　me　a　copy　of　Dean　Alford's　edition　of　the　Greek　New　Testament；　in　four　great　volumes；　and　these　he　had　had　so　magnificently　bound　in　full　morocco　that　the　work　shone　on　my　poor　shelf　of　sixpenny　poets　like　a　duchess　among　dairy　maids。　He　extracted　from　me　a　written　promise　that　I　would　translate　and　meditate　upon　a　portion　of　the　Greek　text　every　morning　before　I　started　for　business。　This　promise　I　presently　failed　to　keep；　my　good　intentions　being　undermined　by　an　invincible　ennui；　I　concealed　the　dereliction　from　him；　and　the　sense　that　I　was　deceiving　my　Father　ate　into　my　conscience　like　a　canker。　But　the　dilemma　was　now　before　me　that　I　must　either　deceive　my　Father　in　such　things　or　paralyse　my　own　character。

My　growing　distaste　for　the　Holy　Scriptures　began　to　occupy　my　thoughts；　and　to　surprise　as　much　as　it　scandalized　me。　My　desire　was　to　continue　to　delight　in　those　sacred　pages；　for　which　I　still　had　an　instinctive　veneration。　Yet　I　could　not　but　observe　the　difference　between　the　zeal　with　which　I　snatched　at　a　volume　of　Carlyle　or　Ruskinsince　these　magicians　were　now　first　revealing　themselves　to　meand　the　increasing　languor　with　which　I　took　up　Alford　for　my　daily　'passage'。　Of　course；　although　I　did　not　know　it；　and　believed　my　reluctance　to　be　sinful；　the　real　reason　why　I　now　found　the　Bible　so　difficult　to　read　was　my　familiarity　with　its　contents。　These　had　the　colourless　triteness　of　a　story　retold　a　hundred　times。　I　longed　for　something　new；　something　that　would　gratify　curiosity　and　excite　surprise。　Whether　the　facts　and　doctrines　contained　in　the　Bible　were　true　or　false　was　not　the　question　that　appealed　to　me；　it　was　rather　that　they　had　been　presented　to　me　so　often　and　had　sunken　into　me　so　far　that；　as　someone　has　said；　they　'lay　bedridden　in　the　dormitory　of　the　soul'；　and　made　no　impression　of　any　kind　upon　me。

It　often　amazed　me；　and　I　am　still　unable　to　understand　the　fact；　that　my　Father；　through　his　long　lifeor　until　nearly　the　close　of　itcontinued　to　take　an　eager　pleasure　in　the　text　of　the　Bible。　As　I　think　I　have　already　said；　before　he　reached　middle　life；　he　had　committed　practically　the　whole　of　it　to　memory；　and　if　started　anywhere；　even　in　a　Minor　Prophet；　he　could　go　on　without　a　break　as　long　as　ever　he　was　inclined　for　that　exercise。　He；　therefore；　at　no　time　can　have　been　assailed　by　the　satiety　of　which　I　have　spoken；　and　that　it　came　so　soon　to　me　I　must　take　simply　as　an　indication　of　difference　of　temperament。　It　was　not　possible；　even　through　the　dark　glass　of　correspondence；　to　deceive　his　eagle　eye　in　this　matter；　and　his　suspicions　accordingly　took　another　turn。　He　conceived　me　to　have　become；　or　to　be　becoming；　a　victim　of　'the　infidelity　of　the　age。'　In　this　new　difficulty；　he　appealed　to　forms　of　modern　literature　by　the　side　of　which　the　least　attractive　pages　of　Leviticus　or　Deuteronomy　struck　me　as　even　thrilling。　In　particular；　he　urged　upon　me　a　work；　then　just　published；　called　The　Continuity　of　Scripture　by　W