father and son-第44节

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pisode　of　Cupid's　pining；　my　stepmother's　needles　began　nervously　to　clash；　and　when　we　launched　on　the　description　of　Leander's　person；　she　interrupted　me　by　saying；　rather　sharply；　'Give　me　that　book；　please；　I　should　like　to　read　the　rest　to　myself。'　I　resigned　the　reading　in　amazement；　and　was　stupefied　to　see　her　take　the　volume；　shut　it　with　a　snap　and　hide　it　under　her　needlework。　Nor　could　I　extract　from　her　another　word　on　the　subject。

The　matter　passed　from　my　mind；　and　I　was　therefore　extremely　alarmed　when；　soon　after　my　going　to　bed　that　night；　my　Father　came　into　my　room　with　a　pale　face　and　burning　eyes；　the　prey　of　violent　perturbation。　He　set　down　the　candle　and　stood　by　the　bed；　and　it　was　some　time　before　he　could　resolve　on　a　form　of　speech。　Then　he　denounced　me；　in　unmeasured　terms；　for　bringing　into　the　house；　for　possessing　at　all　or　reading；　so　abominable　a　book。　He　explained　that　my　stepmother　had　shown　it　to　him；　and　that　he　had　looked　through　it；　and　had　burned　it。

The　sentence　in　his　tirade　which　principally　affected　me　was　this。　He　said；　'You　will　soon　be　leaving　us；　and　going　up　to　lodgings　in　London；　and　if　your　landlady　should　come　into　your　room；　and　find　such　a　book　lying　about；　she　would　immediately　set　you　down　as　a　profligate。'　I　did　not　understand　this　at　all；　and　it　seems　to　me　now　that　the　fact　that　I　had　so　very　simply　and　childishly　volunteered　to　read　the　verses　to　my　stepmother　should　have　proved　to　my　Father　that　I　connected　it　with　no　ideas　of　an　immoral　nature。

I　was　greatly　wounded　and　offended；　but　my　indignation　was　smothered　up　in　the　alarm　and　excitement　which　followed　the　news　that　I　was　to　go　up　to　live　in　lodgings；　and；　as　it　was　evident；　alone；　in　London。　Of　this　no　hint　or　whisper　had　previously　reached　me。　On　reflection；　I　can　but　admit　that　my　Father；　who　was　little　accustomed　to　seventeenth…century　literature；　must　have　come　across　some　startling　exposures　in　Ben　Jonson；　and　probably　never　reached　'Hero　and　Leander'　at　all。　The　artistic　effect　of　such　poetry　on　an　innocently　pagan　mind　did　not　come　within　the　circle　of　his　experience。　He　judged　the　outspoken　Elizabethan　poets；　no　doubt；　very　much　in　the　spirit　of　the　problematical　landlady。

Of　the　world　outside；　of　the　dim　wild　whirlpool　of　London；　I　was　much　afraid；　but　I　was　now　ready　to　be　willing　to　leave　the　narrow　Devonshire　circle；　to　see　the　last　of　the　red　mud；　of　the　dreary　village　street；　of　the　plethoric　elders；　to　hear　the　last　of　the　drawling　voices　of　the　'Saints'。　Yet　I　had　a　great　difficulty　in　persuading　myself　that　I　could　ever　be　happy　away　from　home；　and　again　I　compared　my　lot　with　that　of　one　of　the　speckled　soldier…crabs　that　roamed　about　in　my　Father's　aquarium；　dragging　after　them　great　whorl…shells。　They；　if　by　chance　they　were　turned　out　of　their　whelk…habitations；　trailed　about　a　pale　soft　body　in　search　of　another　house；　visibly　broken…hearted　and　the　victims　of　every　ignominious　accident。

My　spirits　were　divided　pathetically　between　the　wish　to　stay　on；　a　guarded　child；　and　to　proceed　into　the　world；　a　budding　man；　and；　in　my　utter　ignorance；　I　sought　in　vain　to　conjure　up　what　my　immediate　future　would　be。　My　Father　threw　no　light　upon　the　subject；　for　he　had　not　formed　any　definite　idea　of　what　I　could　possibly　do　to　earn　an　honest　living。　As　a　matter　of　fact　I　was　to　stay　another　year　at　school　and　home。

This　last　year　of　my　boyish　life　passed　rapidly　and　pleasantly。　My　sluggish　brain　waked　up　at　last　and　I　was　able　to　study　with　application。　In　the　public　examinations　I　did　pretty　well；　and　may　even　have　been　thought　something　of　a　credit　to　the　school。　Yet　I　formed　no　close　associations；　and　I　even　contrived　to　avoid；　as　I　had　afterwards　occasion　to　regret；　such　lessons　as　were　distasteful　to　me；　and　therefore　particularly　valuable。　But　I　read　with　unchecked　voracity；　and　in　several　curious　directions。　Shakespeare　now　passed　into　my　possession　entire；　in　the　shape　of　a　reprint　more　hideous　and　more　offensive　to　the　eyesight　than　would　in　these　days　appear　conceivable。　I　made　acquaintance　with　Keats；　who　entirely　captivated　me；　with　Shelley；　whose　'Queen　Mab'　at　first　repelled　me　from　the　threshold　of　his　edifice；　and　with　Wordsworth；　for　the　exercise　of　whose　magic　I　was　still　far　too　young。　My　Father　presented　me　with　the　entire　bulk　of　Southey's　stony　verse；　which　I　found　it　impossible　to　penetrate；　but　my　stepmother　lent　me　The　Golden　Treasury；　in　which　almost　everything　seemed　exquisite。

Upon　this　extension　of　my　intellectual　powers；　however；　there　did　not　follow　any　spirit　of　doubt　or　hostility　to　the　faith。　On　the　contrary；　at　first　there　came　a　considerable　quickening　of　fervour。　My　prayers　became　less　frigid　and　mechanical；　I　no　longer　avoided　as　far　as　possible　the　contemplation　of　religious　ideas；　I　began　to　search　the　Scriptures　for　myself　with　interest　and　sympathy；　if　scarcely　with　ardour。　I　began　to　perceive；　without　animosity；　the　strange　narrowness　of　my　Father's　system；　which　seemed　to　take　into　consideration　only　a　selected　circle　of　persons；　a　group　of　disciples　peculiarly　illuminated；　and　to　have　no　message　whatever　for　the　wider　Christian　community。

On　this　subject　I　had　some　instructive　conversations　with　my　Father；　whom　I　found　not　reluctant　to　have　his　convictions　pushed　to　their　logical　extremity。　He　did　not　wish　to　judge；　he　protested；　but　he　could　not　admit　that　a　single　Unitarian　（or　'Socinian'；　as　he　preferred　to　say）　could　possibly　be　redeemed；　and　he　had　no　hope　of　eternal　salvation　for　the　inhabitants　of　Catholic　countries。　I　recollect　his　speaking　of　Austria。　He　questioned　whether　a　single　Austrian　subject；　except；　as　he　said；　here　and　there　a　pious　and　extremely　ignorant　individual；　who　had　not　comprehended　the　errors　of　the　Papacy；　but　had　humbly　studied　his　Bible；　could　hope　to　find　eternal　life。　He　thought　that　the　ordinary　Chinaman　or　savage　native　of　Fiji　had　a　better　chance　of　salvation　than　any　cardinal　in　the　Vatican。　And　even　in　the　priesthood　of　the　Church　of　England　he　believed　that　while　many　were　called；　few　indeed　would　be　found　to　have　been　chosen。

I　could　not　sympathize；　even　in　my　then　state　of　ignorance；　with　so　rigid　a　conception　of　the　Divine　mercy。　Little　inclined　as　I　was　to　be　sceptical；　I　still　thought　it　impossible；　that　a　secret　of　such　stupendous　importance　should　have　been　entrusted　to　a　little　group　of　Plymouth　Brethren；　and　have　been　hidden　from　millions　of　disinterested　and　pious　theologians。　That　the　leaders　of　European　Christianity　were　sincere；　my　Father　did　not　attempt　to　question。　But　they　were　all　of　them　wrong；　incorrect；　and　no　matter　how　holy　their　lives；　how　selfsacrificing　their　actions；　they　would　have　to　suffer　for　their　inexactitude　through　aeons　of　undefined　torment。　He　would　speak　with　a　solemn　complacency　of　the　aged　nun；　who；　after　a　long　life　of　renunciation　and　devotion；　died　at　last；　'only　to　discover　her　mistake'。

He　who　was　so　tender…hearted　that　he　could　not　bear　to　witness　the　pain　or　distress　of　any　person；　however　disagreeable　or　undeserving；　was　quite　acquiescent　in　believing　that　God　would　punish　human　beings；　in　millions；　for　ever；　for　a　purely　intellectual　error　of　comprehension。　My　Father's　inconsistencies　of　perception　seem　to　me　to　have　been　the　result　of　a　curious　irregularity　of　equipment。　Taking　for　granted；　as　he　did；　the　absolute　integrity　of　the　Scriptures；　and　applying　to　them　his　trained　scientific　spirit；　he　contrived　to　stifle；　with　a　deplorable　success；　alike　the　function　of　the　imagination；　the　sense　of　moral　justice；　and　his　own　deep　and　instinctive　tenderness　of　heart。

There　presently　came　over　me　a　strong　desire　to　know　what　doctrine　indeed　it　was　that　the　other　Churches　taught。　I　expressed　a　wish　to　be　made　aware　of　the　practices　of　Rome；　or　at　least　of　Canterbury；　and　I　longed　to　attend　the　Anglican　and　the　Roman　services。　But　to　do　so　was　impossible。　My　Father　did　not；　indeed；　forbid　me　to　enter　the　fine　parish　church　of　our　village；　or　the　stately　Puginesque　cathedral　which　Rome　had　just　erected　at　its　side；　but　I　knew　that　I　could　not　be　seen　at　either　service　without　his　immediately　knowing　it；　or　without　his　being　deeply　wounded。　Although　I　was　sixteen　years　of　age；　and　although　I　was　treated　with　indulgence　and　affection；　I　was　still　but　a　bird　fluttering　in　the　net…work　of　my　Father's　will；　and　incapable　of　the　smallest　independent　action。　I　resigned　all　thought　of　attending　any　other　services　than　those　at　our　'Room'；　but　I　did　no　longer　regard　this　exclusion　as　a　final　one。　I　bowed；　but　it　was　in　the　house　of　Rimmon；　from　which　I　now　knew　that　I　must　inevitably　escape。　All　the　liberation；　however；　which　I　desired　or　dreamed　of　was　only　just　so　much　as　would　bring　me　into　communion　with　the　outer　world　of　Christianity　without　divesting　me　of　the　pure　and　simple　principles　of　faith。

Of　so　much　emancipation；　indeed；　I　now　became　ardently　desirous；　and　in　the　contemplation　of　it　I　rose　to　a　more　considerable　degree　of　religious　fervour　than　I　had　ever　reached　before　or　was　ever　to　experience　later。　Our　thoughts　were　at　this　time　abundantly　exercised　with　the　expectation　of　the　immediate　coming　of　the　Lord；　who；　as　my　Father　and　those　who　th