father and son-第43节

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e　repentance；　how　it　eased　me！　I　could　always　console　myself　with　the　belief　that　when　Shakespeare　wrote　any　passage　of　intoxicating　beauty；　it　was　just　then　that　he　was　beginning　to　breathe　the　rapture　that　faith　in　Christ　brings　to　the　anointed　soul。　And　it　was　with　a　like　casuistry　that　I　condoned　my　other　intellectual　and　personal　pleasures。

My　Father　continued　to　be　under　the　impression　that　my　boarding…　school；　which　he　never　again　visited　after　originally　leaving　me　there；　was　conducted　upon　the　same　principles　as　his　own　household。　I　was　frequently　tempted　to　enlighten　him；　but　I　never　found　the　courage　to　do　so。　As　a　matter　of　fact　the　piety　of　the　establishment；　which　collected　to　it　the　sons　of　a　large　number　of　evangelically　minded　parents　throughout　that　part　of　the　country；　resided　mainly　in　the　prospectus。　It　proceeded　no　further　than　the　practice　of　reading　the　Bible　aloud；　each　boy　in　successive　order　one　verse；　in　the　early　morning　before　breakfast。　There　was　no　selection　and　no　exposition；　where　the　last　boy　sat；　there　the　day's　reading　ended；　even　if　it　were　in　the　middle　of　a　sentence；　and　there　it　began　next　morning。

Such　reading　of　'the　chapter'　was　followed　by　a　long　dry　prayer。　I　do　not　know　that　this　morning　service　would　appear　more　perfunctory　than　usual　to　other　boys；　but　it　astounded　and　disgusted　me；　accustomed　as　I　was　to　the　ministrations　at　home；　where　my　Father　read　'the　word　of　God'　in　a　loud　passionate　voice；　with　dramatic　emphasis；　pausing　for　commentary　and　paraphrase；　and　treating　every　phrase　as　if　it　were　part　of　a　personal　message　or　of　thrilling　family　history。　At　school；　'morning　prayer'　was　a　dreary；　unintelligible　exercise；　and　with　this　piece　of　mumbo…jumbo；　religion　for　the　day　began　and　ended。　The　discretion　of　little　boys　is　extraordinary。　I　am　quite　certain　no　one　of　us　ever　revealed　this　fact　to　our　godly　parents　at　home。

If　any　one　was　to　do　this；　it　was　of　course　I　who　should　first　of　all　have　'testified'。　But　I　had　grown　cautious　about　making　confidences。　One　never　knew　how　awkwardly　they　might　develop　or　to　what　disturbing　excesses　of　zeal　they　might　precipitously　lead。　I　was　on　my　guard　against　my　Father；　who　was；　all　the　time；　only　too　openly　yearning　that　I　should　approach　him　for　help；　for　comfort；　for　ghostly　counsel。　Still　'delicate'；　though　steadily　gaining　in　solidity　of　constitution；　I　was　liable　to　severe　chills　and　to　fugitive　neuralgic　pangs。　My　Father　was；　almost　maddeningly；　desirous　that　these　afflictions　should　be　sanctified　to　me；　and　it　was　in　my　bed；　often　when　I　was　much　bowed　in　spirit　by　indisposition；　that　he　used　to　triumph　over　me　most　pitilessly。　He　retained　the　singular　superstition；　amazing　in　a　man　of　scientific　knowledge　and　long　human　experience；　that　all　pains　and　ailments　were　directly　sent　by　the　Lord　in　chastisement　for　some　definite　fault；　and　not　in　relation　to　any　physical　cause。　The　result　was　sometimes　quite　startling；　and　in　particular　I　recollect　that　my　stepmother　and　I　exchanged　impressions　of　astonishment　at　my　Father's　action　when　Mrs。　Goodyer；　who　was　one　of　the　'Saints'　and　the　wife　of　a　young　journeyman　cobbler；　broke　her　leg。　My　Father；　puzzled　for　an　instant　as　to　the　meaning　of　this　accident；　since　Mrs。　Goodyer　was　the　gentlest　and　most　inoffensive　of　our　church　members；　decided　that　it　must　be　because　she　had　made　an　idol　of　her　husband；　and　he　reduced　the　poor　thing　to　tears　by　standing　at　her　bed…side　and　imploring　the　Holy　Spirit　to　bring　this　sin　home　to　her　conscience。

When；　therefore；　I　was　ill　at　home　with　one　of　my　trifling　disorders；　the　problem　of　my　spiritual　state　always　pressed　violently　upon　my　Father；　and　this　caused　me　no　little　mental　uneasiness。　He　would　appear　at　my　bedside；　with　solemn　solicitude；　and　sinking　on　his　knees　would　earnestly　pray　aloud　that　the　purpose　of　the　Lord　in　sending　me　this　affliction　might　graciously　be　made　plain　to　me；　and　then；　rising；　and　standing　by　my　pillow；　he　would　put　me　through　a　searching　spiritual　inquiry　as　to　the　fault　which　was　thus　divinely　indicated　to　me　as　observed　and　reprobated　on　high。

It　was　not　on　points　of　moral　behaviour　that　he　thus　cross…　examined　me；　I　think　he　disdained　such　ignoble　game　as　that。　But　uncertainties　of　doctrine；　relinquishment　of　faith　in　the　purity　of　this　dogma　or　of　that；　lukewarm　zeal　in　'taking　up　the　cross　of　Christ'；　growth　of　intellectual　pride；such　were　the　insidious　offences　in　consequence　of　which；　as　he　supposed；　the　cold　in　the　head　or　the　toothache　had　been　sent　as　heavenly　messengers　to　recall　my　straggling　conscience　to　its　plain　path　of　duty。

What　made　me　very　uncomfortable　on　these　occasions　was　my　consciousness　that　confinement　to　bed　was　hardly　an　affliction　at　all。　It　kept　me　from　the　boredom　of　school；　in　a　fire…lit　bedroom　at　home；　with　my　pretty；　smiling　stepmother　lavishing　luxurious　attendance　upon　me；　and　it　gave　me　long；　unbroken　days　for　reading。　I　was　awkwardly　aware　that　I　simply　had　not　the　effrontery　to　'approach　the　Throne　of　Grace'　with　a　request　to　know　for　what　sin　I　was　condemned　to　such　a　very　pleasant　disposition　of　my　hours。

The　current　of　my　life　ran；　during　my　schooldays；　most　merrily　and　fully　in　the　holidays；　when　I　resumed　my　outdoor　exercises　with　those　friends　in　the　village　of　whom　I　have　spoken　earlier。　I　think　they　were　more　refined　and　better　bred　than　any　of　my　schoolfellows；　at　all　events　it　was　among　these　homely　companions　alone　that　I　continued　to　form　congenial　and　sympathetic　relations。　In　one　of　these　boys；one　of　whom　I　have　heard　or　seen　nothing　now　for　nearly　a　generation；I　found　tastes　singularly　parallel　to　my　own；　and　we　scoured　the　horizon　in　search　of　books　in　prose　and　verse；　but　particularly　in　verse。

As　I　grew　stronger　in　muscle；　I　was　capable　of　adding　considerably　to　my　income　by　an　exercise　of　my　legs。　I　was　allowed　money　for　the　railway　ticket　between　the　town　where　the　school　lay　and　the　station　nearest　to　my　home。　But；　if　I　chose　to　walk　six　or　seven　miles　along　the　coast；　thus　more　than　halving　the　distance　by　rail　from　school　house　to　home；　I　might　spend　as　pocket　money　the　railway　fare　I　thus　saved。　Such　considerable　sums　I　fostered　in　order　to　buy　with　them　editions　of　the　poets。　These　were　not　in　those　days；　as　they　are　now；　at　the　beck　and　call　of　every　purse；　and　the　attainment　of　each　little　masterpiece　was　a　separate　triumph。　In　particular　I　shall　never　forget　the　excitement　of　reaching　at　length　the　exorbitant　price　the　bookseller　asked　for　the　only；　although　imperfect；　edition　of　the　poems　of　S。　T。　Coleridge。　At　last　I　could　meet　his　demand；　and　my　friend　and　I　went　down　to　consummate　the　solemn　purchase。　Coming　away　with　our　treasure；　we　read　aloud　from　the　orange　coloured　volume；　in　turns；　as　we　strolled　along；　until　at　last　we　sat　down　on　the　bulging　root　of　an　elm　tree　in　a　secluded　lane。　Here　we　stayed；　in　a　sort　of　poetical　nirvana；　reading；　reading；　forgetting　the　passage　of　time；　until　the　hour　of　our　neglected　mid…day　meal　was　a　long　while　past；　and　we　had　to　hurry　home　to　bread　and　cheese　and　a　scolding。

There　was　occasionally　some　trouble　about　my　reading；　but　now　not　much　nor　often。　I　was　rather　adroit；　and　careful　not　to　bring　prominently　into　sight　anything　of　a　literary　kind　which　could　become　a　stone　of　stumbling。　But；　when　I　was　nearly　sixteen；　I　made　a　purchase　which　brought　me　into　sad　trouble；　and　was　the　cause　of　a　permanent　wound　to　my　self…respect。　I　had　long　coveted　in　the　bookshop　window　a　volume　in　which　the　poetical　works　of　Ben　Jonson　and　Christopher　Marlowe　were　said　to　be　combined。　This　I　bought　at　length；　and　I　carried　it　with　me　to　devour　as　I　trod　the　desolate　road　that　brought　me　along　the　edge　of　the　cliff　on　Saturday　afternoons。　Of　Ben　Jonson　I　could　make　nothing；　but　when　I　turned　to　'Hero　and　Leander'；　I　was　lifted　to　a　heaven　of　passion　and　music。　It　was　a　marvellous　revelation　of　romantic　beauty　to　me；　and　as　I　paced　along　that　lonely　and　exquisite　highway；　with　its　immense　command　of　the　sea；　and　its　peeps　every　now　and　then；　through　slanting　thickets；　far　down　to　the　snow…　white　shingle；　I　lifted　up　my　voice；　singing　the　verses；　as　I　strolled　along：

Buskins　of　shells；　all　silver'd；　used　she；　And　branch'd　with　blushing　coral　to　the　knee；　Where　sparrows　perched；　of　hollow　pearl　and　gold；　Such　as　the　world　would　wonder　to　behold；

so　it　went　on；　and　I　thought　I　had　never　read　anything　so　lovely；

Amorous　Leander；　beautiful　and　young；　Whose　tragedy　divine　Musaeus　sung；

it　all　seemed　to　my　fancy　intoxicating　beyond　anything　I　had　ever　even　dreamed　of；　since　I　had　not　yet　become　acquainted　with　any　of　the　modern　romanticists。

When　I　reached　home；　tired　out　with　enthusiasm　and　exercise；　I　must　needs；　so　soon　as　I　had　eaten；　search　out　my　stepmother　that　she　might　be　a　partner　in　my　joys。　It　is　remarkable　to　me　now；　and　a　disconcerting　proof　of　my　still　almost　infantile　innocence；　that；　having　induced　her　to　settle　to　her　knitting；　I　began；　without　hesitation；　to　read　Marlowe's　voluptuous　poem　aloud　to　that　blameless　Christian　gentlewoman。　We　got　on　very　well　in　the　opening；　but　at　the　episode　of　Cupid's　pining；　my　stepmother's　needles　began　nervously　to　clash；　and　when　we　launched　on