father and son-第41节

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


neighbouring　academy；　but　'what　were　all　such　toys　to　me？'

These　young　fellows；　who　ought　long　before　to　have　left　the　school；　did　nothing　overtly　unkind　to　me；　but　they　condemned　me　to　silence。　They　ceased　to　address　me　except　with　an　occasional　command。　By　reason　of　my　youth；　I　was　in　bed　and　asleep　before　my　companions　arrived　upstairs；　and　in　the　morning　I　was　always　routed　up　and　packed　about　my　business　while　they　still　were　drowsing。　But　the　fact　that　I　had　been　cut　off　from　my　coevals　by　night；　cut　me　off　from　them　also　by　dayso　that　I　was　nothing　to　them；　neither　a　boarder　nor　a　day…scholar；　neither　flesh；　fish　nor　fowl。　The　loneliness　of　my　life　was　extreme；　and　that　I　always　went　home　on　Saturday　afternoon　and　returned　on　Monday　morning　still　further　checked　my　companionships　at　school。　For　a　long　time；　round　the　outskirts　of　that　busy　throng　of　opening　lives；　I　'wandered　lonely　as　a　cloud'；　and　sometimes　I　was　more　unhappy　than　I　had　ever　been　before。　No　one；　however；　bullied　me；　and　though　I　was　dimly　and　indefinably　witness　to　acts　of　uncleanness　and　cruelty；　I　was　the　victim　of　no　such　acts　and　the　recipient　of　no　dangerous　confidences。　I　suppose　that　my　queer　reputation　for　sanctity；　half　dreadful；　half　ridiculous；　surrounded　me　with　a　non…conducting　atmosphere。

We　are　the　victims　of　hallowed　proverbs；　and　one　of　the　most　classic　of　these　tells　us　that　'the　child　is　father　of　the　man'。　But　in　my　case　I　cannot　think　that　this　was　true。　In　mature　years　I　have　always　been　gregarious；　a　lover　of　my　kind；　dependent　upon　the　company　of　friends　for　the　very　pulse　of　moral　life。　To　be　marooned；　to　be　shut　up　in　a　solitary　cell；　to　inhabit　a　lighthouse；　or　to　camp　alone　in　a　forest；　these　have　always　seemed　to　me　afflictions　too　heavy　to　be　borne；　even　in　imagination。　A　state　in　which　conversation　exists　not；　is　for　me　an　air　too　empty　of　oxygen　for　my　lungs　to　breathe　it。

Yet　when　I　look　back　upon　my　days　at　boarding…school；　I　see　myself　unattracted　by　any　of　the　human　beings　around　me。　My　grown…up　years　are　made　luminous　to　me　in　memory　by　the　ardent　faces　of　my　friends；　but　I　can　scarce　recall　so　much　as　the　names　of　more　than　two　or　three　of　my　schoolfellows。　There　is　not　one　of　them　whose　mind　or　whose　character　made　any　lasting　impression　upon　me。　In　later　life；　I　have　been　impatient　of　solitude；　and　afraid　of　it；　at　school；　I　asked　for　no　more　than　to　slip　out　of　the　hurly…burly　and　be　alone　with　my　reflections　and　my　fancies。　That　magnetism　of　humanity　which　has　been　the　agony　of　mature　years；　of　this　I　had　not　a　trace　when　I　was　a　boy。　Of　those　fragile　loves　to　which　most　men　look　back　with　tenderness　and　passion；　emotions　to　be　explained　only　as　Montaigne　explained　them；　parceque　c'etait　lui；　parceque　c'etait　moi；　I　knew　nothing。　I；　to　whom　friendship　has　since　been　like　sunlight　and　like　sleep；　left　school　unbrightened　and　unrefreshed　by　commerce　with　a　single　friend。

If　I　had　been　clever；　I　should　doubtless　have　attracted　the　jealousy　of　my　fellows；　but　I　was　spared　this　by　the　mediocrity　of　my　success　in　the　classes。　One　little　fact　I　may　mention；　because　it　exemplifies　the　advance　in　observation　which　has　been　made　in　forty　years。　I　was　extremely　nearsighted；　and　in　consequence　was　placed　at　a　gross　disadvantage；　by　being　unable　to　see　the　slate　or　the　black…board　on　which　our　tasks　were　explained。　It　seems　almost　incredible；　when　one　reflects　upon　it；　but　during　the　whole　of　my　school　life；　this　fact　was　never　commented　upon　or　taken　into　account　by　a　single　person；　until　the　Polish　lady　who　taught　us　the　elements　of　German　and　French　drew　someone's　attention　to　it　in　my　sixteenth　year。　I　was　not　quick；　but　I　passed　for　being　denser　than　I　was　because　of　the　myopic　haze　that　enveloped　me。　But　this　is　not　an　autobiography；　and　with　the　cold　and　shrouded　details　of　my　uninteresting　school　life　I　will　not　fatigue　the　reader。

I　was　not　content；　however；　to　be　the　cipher　that　I　found　myself；　and　when　I　had　been　at　school　for　about　a　year；　I　'broke　out'；　greatly；　I　think；　to　my　own　surprise；　in　a　popular　act。　We　had　a　young　usher　whom　we　disliked。　I　suppose；　poor　half…starved　phthisic　lad；　that　he　was　the　most　miserable　of　us　all。　He　was；　I　think；　unfitted　for　the　task　which　had　been　forced　upon　him；　he　was　fretful；　unsympathetic；　agitated。　The　school…house；　an　old　rambling　place；　possessed　a　long　cellarlike　room　that　opened　from　our　general　corridor　and　was　lighted　by　deep　windows；　carefully　barred；　which　looked　into　an　inner　garden。　This　vault　was　devoted　to　us　and　to　our　play…boxes：　by　a　tacit　law；　no　master　entered　it。　One　evening；　just　at　dusk；　a　great　number　of　us　were　here　when　the　bell　for　night…school　rang；　and　many　of　us　dawdled　at　the　summons。　Mr　B。；　tactless　in　his　anger；　bustled　in　among　us；　scolding　in　a　shrill　voice；　and　proceeded　to　drive　us　forth。　I　was　the　latest　to　emerge；　and　as　he　turned　away　to　see　if　any　other　truant　might　not　be　hiding；　I　determined　upon　action。　With　a　quick　movement；　I　drew　the　door　behind　me　and　bolted　it；　just　in　time　to　hear　the　imprisoned　usher　scream　with　vexation。　We　boys　all　trooped　upstairs　and　it　is　characteristic　of　my　isolation　that　I　had　not　one　'chum'　to　whom　I　could　confide　my　feat。

That　Mr。　B。　had　been　shut　in　became；　however；　almost　instantly　known；　and　the　night…class；　usually　so　unruly；　was　awed　by　the　event　into　exemplary　decorum。　There；　with　no　master　near　us；　in　a　silence　rarely　broken　by　a　giggle　or　a　catcall；　we　sat　diligently　working；　or　pretending　to　work。　Through　my　brain；　as　I　hung　over　my　book　a　thousand　new　thoughts　began　to　surge。　I　was　the　liberator；　the　tyrannicide；　I　had　freed　all　my　fellows　from　the　odious　oppressor。　Surely；　when　they　learned　that　it　was　I；　they　would　cluster　round　me；　surely；　now；　I　should　be　somebody　in　the　school…life；　no　longer　a　mere　trotting　shadow　or　invisible　presence。　The　interval　seemed　long；　at　length　Mr　B。　was　released　by　a　servant；　and　he　came　up　into　the　school…room　to　find　us　in　that　ominous　condition　of　suspense。

At　first　he　said　nothing。　He　sank　upon　a　chair　in　a　half…fainting　attitude；　while　he　pressed　his　hand　to　his　side；　his　distress　and　silence　redoubled　the　boys'　surprise；　and　filled　me　with　something　like　remorse。　For　the　first　time；　I　reflected　that　he　was　human；　that　perhaps　he　suffered。　He　rose　presently　and　took　a　slate；　upon　which　he　wrote　two　questions：　'Did　you　do　it？'　'Do　you　know　who　did？'　and　these　he　propounded　to　each　boy　in　rotation。　The　prompt；　redoubled　'No'　in　every　case　seemed　to　pile　up　his　despair。

One　of　the　last　to　whom　he　held；　in　silence；　the　trembling　slate　was　the　perpetrator。　As　I　saw　the　moment　approach；　an　unspeakable　timidity　swept　over　me。　I　reflected　that　no　one　had　seen　me；　that　no　one　could　accuse　me。　Nothing　could　be　easier　or　safer　than　to　deny；　nothing　more　perplexing　to　the　enemy；　nothing　less　perilous　for　the　culprit。　A　flood　of　plausible　reasons　invaded　my　brain；　I　seemed　to　see　this　to　be　a　case　in　which　to　tell　the　truth　would　be　not　merely　foolish；　it　would　be　wrong。　Yet　when　the　usher　stood　before　me；　holding　the　slate　out　in　his　white　and　shaking　hand；　I　seized　the　pencil；　and；　ignoring　the　first　question；　I　wrote　'Yes'　firmly　against　the　second。　I　suppose　that　the　ambiguity　of　this　action　puzzled　Mr　B。　He　pressed　me　to　answer：　'Did　you　do　it？'　but　to　that　I　was　obstinately　dumb；　and　away　I　was　hurried　to　an　empty　bed…room；　where　for　the　whole　of　that　night　and　the　next　day　I　was　held　a　prisoner；　visited　at　intervals　by　the　headmaster　and　other　inquisitorial　persons；　until　I　was　gradually　persuaded　to　make　a　full　confession　and　apology。

This　absurd　little　incident　had　one　effect；　it　revealed　me　to　my　schoolfellows　as　an　existence。　From　that　time　forth　I　lay　no　longer　under　the　stigma　of　invisibility；　I　had　produced　my　material　shape　and　had　thrown　my　shadow　for　a　moment　into　a　legend。　But；　in　other　respects；　things　went　on　much　as　before。

Curiously　uninfluenced　by　my　surroundings；　I　in　my　turn　failed　to　exercise　influence；　and　my　practical　isolation　was　no　less　than　it　had　been　before。　It　was　thus　that　it　came　about　that　my　social　memories　of　my　boarding…school　life　are　monotonous　and　vague。　It　was　a　period　during　which；　as　it　appears　to　me　now　on　looking　back；　the　stream　of　my　spiritual　nature　spread　out　into　a　shallow　pool　which　was　almost　stagnant。　I　was　labouring　to　gain　those　elements　of　conventional　knowledge；　which　had；　in　many　cases；　up　to　that　time　been　singularly　lacking。　But　my　brain　was　starved；　and　my　intellectual　perceptions　were　veiled。　Elder　persons　who　in　later　years　would　speak　to　me　frankly　of　my　school…days　assured　me　that；　while　I　had　often　struck　them　as　a　smart　and　quaint　and　even　interesting　child；　all　promise　seemed　to　fade　out　of　me　as　a　schoolboy；　and　that　those　who　were　most　inclined　to　be　indulgent　gave　up　the　hope　that　I　should　prove　a　man　in　a　way　remarkable。　This　was　particularly　the　case　with　the　most　indulgent　of　my　protectors；　my　refined　and　gentle　stepmother。

As　this　record　can；　however；　have　no　value　that　is　not　based　on　its　rigorous　adhesion　to　the　truth；　I　am　bound　to　say　that　the　dreariness　and　sterility　of　my　school…life　were　more　apparent　than　real。　I　was　pursuing　certain　lines　of　moral　and