father and son-第40节

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he　explanation　lay　in　the　perfectly　logical　position　she　took　up。　My　Father　found　himself　brought　face　to　face　at　last；　not　with　a　disciple；　but　with　a　trained　expert　in　his　own　peculiar　scheme　of　religion。　At　every　point　she　was　armed　with　arguments　the　source　of　which　he　knew　and　the　validity　of　which　he　recognized。　He　trembled　before　Mrs。　Paget　as　a　man　in　a　dream　may　tremble　before　a　parody　of　his　own　central　self；　and　he　could　not　blame　her　without　laying　himself　open　somewhere　to　censure。

But　my　stepmother's　instincts　were　more　primitive　and　her　actions　less　wire…drawn　than　my　Father's。　She　disliked　Mrs。　Paget　as　much　as　one　earnest　believer　can　bring　herself　to　dislike　a　sister　in　the　Lord。　My　stepmother　had　quietly　devoted　herself　to　what　she　thought　the　best　way　of　bringing　me　up；　and　she　did　not　propose　now　to　be　thwarted　by　the　wife　of　a　lunatic　Baptist。　At　this　time　I　was　a　mixture　of　childishness　and　priggishness；　of　curious　knowledge　and　dense　ignorance。　Certain　portions　of　my　intellect　were　growing　with　unwholesome　activity；　while　others　were　stunted；　or　had　never　stirred　at　all。　I　was　like　a　plant　on　which　a　pot　has　been　placed；　with　the　effect　that　the　centre　is　crushed　and　arrested；　while　shoots　are　straggling　up　to　the　light　on　all　sides。　My　Father　himself　was　aware　of　this；　and　in　a　spasmodic　way　he　wished　to　regulate　my　thoughts。　But　all　he　did　was　to　try　to　straighten　the　shoots；　without　removing　the　pot　which　kept　them　resolutely　down。

It　was　my　stepmother　who　decided　that　I　was　now　old　enough　to　go　to　boarding…school；　and　my　Father；　having　discovered　that　an　elderly　couple　of　Plymouth　Brethren　kept　an　'academy　for　young　gentlemen'　in　a　neighbouring　seaport　town；in　the　prospectus　of　which　the　knowledge　and　love　of　the　Lord　were　mentioned　as　occupying　the　attention　of　the　headmaster　and　his　assistants　far　more　closely　than　any　mere　considerations　of　worldly　tuition；was　persuaded　to　entrust　me　to　its　care。　He　stipulated；　however；　that　I　should　always　come　home　from　Saturday　night　to　Monday　morning；　not；　as　he　said；　that　I　might　receive　any　carnal　indulgence；　but　that　there　might　be　no　cessation　of　my　communion　as　a　believer　with　the　Saints　in　our　village　on　Sundays。　To　this　school；　therefore；　I　presently　departed；　gawky　and　homesick；　and　the　rift　between　my　soul　and　that　of　my　Father　widened　a　little　more。

CHAPTER　XII

LITTLE　boys　from　quiet；　pious　households；　commonly　found；　in　those　days；　a　chasm　yawning　at　the　feet　of　their　inexperience　when　they　arrived　at　Boarding…school。　But　the　fact　that　I　still　slept　at　home　on　Saturday　and　Sunday　nights　preserved　me；　I　fancy；　from　many　surprises。　There　was　a　crisis；　but　it　was　broad　and　slow　for　me。　On　the　other　hand；　for　my　Father　I　am　inclined　to　think　that　it　was　definite　and　sharp。　Permission　for　me　to　desert　the　parental　hearth；　even　for　five　days　in　certain　weeks；　was　tantamount；　in　his　mind；　to　admitting　that　the　great　scheme；　so　long　caressed；　so　passionately　fostered；　must　in　its　primitive　bigness　be　now　dropped。

The　Great　Scheme　（I　cannot　resist　giving　it　the　mortuary　of　capital　letters）　had　been；　as　my　readers　know；　that　I　should　be　exclusively　and　consecutively　dedicated　through　the　whole　of　my　life；　'to　the　manifest　and　uninterrupted　and　uncompromised　service　of　the　Lord'。　That　had　been　the　aspiration　of　my　Mother；　and　at　her　death　she　had　bequeathed　that　desire　to　my　Father；　like　a　dream　of　the　Promised　Land。　In　their　ecstasy；　my　parents　had　taken　me；　as　Elkanah　and　Hannah　had　long　ago　taken　Samuel；　from　their　mountain…home　of　Ramathaim…Zophim　down　to　sacrifice　to　the　Lord　of　Hosts　in　Shiloh。　They　had　girt　me　about　with　a　linen　ephod；　and　had　hoped　to　leave　me　there；　'as　long　as　he　liveth；'　they　had　said；　'he　shall　be　lent　unto　the　Lord。'

Doubtless　in　the　course　of　these　fourteen　years　it　had　occasionally　flashed　upon　my　Father；　as　he　overheard　some　speech　of　mine；　or　detected　some　idiosyncrasy；　that　I　was　not　one　of　those　whose　temperament　points　them　out　as　ultimately　fitted　for　an　austere　life　of　religion。　What　he　hoped；　however；　was　that　when　the　little　roughnesses　of　childhood　were　rubbed　away；　there　would　pass　a　deep　mellowness　over　my　soul。　He　had　a　touching　way　of　condoning　my　faults　of　conduct；　directly　after　reproving　them；　and　he　would　softly　deprecate　my　frailty；　saying；　in　a　tone　of　harrowing　tenderness；　'Are　you　not　the　child　of　many　prayers？'　He　continued　to　think　that　prayer；　such　passionate　importunate　prayer　as　his；　must　prevail。　Faith　could　move　mountains；　should　it　not　be　able　to　mould　the　little　ductile　heart　of　a　child；　since　he　was　sure　that　his　own　faith　was　unfaltering？　He　had　yearned　and　waited　for　a　son　who　should　be　totally　without　human　audacities；　who　should　be　humble；　pure；　not　troubled　by　worldly　agitations；　a　son　whose　life　should　be　cleansed　and　straightened　from　above；　in　custodiendo　sermones　Dei；　in　whom　everything　should　be　sacrificed　except　the　one　thing　needful　to　salvation。

How　such　a　marvel　of　lowly　piety　was　to　earn　a　living　had　never；　I　think；　occurred　to　him。　My　Father　was　singularly　indifferent　about　money。　Perhaps　his　notion　was　that；　totally　devoid　of　ambitions　as　I　was　to　be；　I　should　quietly　become　adult；　and　continue　his　ministrations　among　the　poor　of　the　Christian　flock。　He　had　some　dim　dream；　I　think；　of　there　being　just　enough　for　us　all　without　my　having　to　take　up　any　business　or　trade。　I　believe　it　was　immediately　after　my　first　term　at　boarding…school；　that　I　was　a　silent　but　indignant　witness　of　a　conversation　between　my　Father　and　Mr。　Thomas　Brightwen；　my　stepmother's　brother；　who　was　a　banker　in　one　of　the　Eastern　Counties。

This　question；　'What　is　he　to　be？'　in　a　worldly　sense；　was　being　discussed；　and　Tam　sure　that　it　was　for　the　first　time；　at　all　events　in　my　presence。　Mr。　Brightwen；　I　fancy；　had　been　worked　upon　by　my　stepmother；　whose　affection　for　me　was　always　on　the　increase；　to　suggest；　or　faintly　to　stir　the　air　in　the　neighbourhood　of　suggesting；　a　query　about　my　future。　He　was　childless　and　so　was　she；　and　I　think　a　kind　impulse　led　them　to　'feel　the　way'；　as　it　is　called。　I　believe　he　said　that　the　banking　business；　wisely　and　honourably　conducted；　sometimes　led；　as　we　know　that　it　is　apt　to　lead；　to　affluence。　To　my　horror；　my　Father；　with　rising　emphasis；　replied　that　'if　there　were　offered　to　his　beloved　child　what　is　called　〃an　opening〃　that　would　lead　to　an　income　of　￡10；000　a　year；　and　that　would　divert　his　thoughts　and　interest　from　the　Lord's　work　he　would　reject　it　on　his　child's　behalf。'　Mr。　Brightwen；　a　precise　and　polished　gentleman　who　evidently　never　made　an　exaggerated　statement　in　his　life；　was；　I　think；　faintly　scandalized；　he　soon　left　us；　and　I　do　not　recollect　his　paying　us　a　second　visit。

For　my　silent　part；　I　felt　very　much　like　Gehazi；　and　I　would　fain　have　followed　after　the　banker　if　I　had　dared　to　do　so；　into　the　night。　I　would　have　excused　to　him　the　ardour　of　my　Elisha；　and　I　would　have　reminded　him　of　the　sons　of　the　prophets'Give　me；　I　pray　thee；'　I　would　have　said；　'a　talent　of　silver　and　two　changes　of　garments。'　It　seemed　to　me　very　hard　that　my　Father　should　dispose　of　my　possibilities　of　wealth　in　so　summary　a　fashion；　but　the　fact　that　I　did　resent　it；　and　regretted　what　I　supposed　to　be　my　'chance'；　shows　how　far　apart　we　had　already　swung。　My　Father；　I　am　convinced；　thought　that　he　gave　words　to　my　inward　instincts　when　he　repudiated　the　very　mild　and　inconclusive　benevolence　of　his　brother…in…law。　But　he　certainly　did　not　do　so。　I　was　conscious　of　a　sharp　and　instinctive　disappointment　at　having　had；　as　I　fancied；　wealth　so　near　my　grasp；　and　at　seeing　it　all　cast　violently　into　the　sea　of　my　Father's　scruples。

Not　one　of　my　village　friends　attended　the　boarding…school　to　which　I　was　now　attached；　and　I　arrived　there　without　an　acquaintance。　I　should　soon；　however；　have　found　a　corner　of　my　own　if　my　Father　had　not　unluckily　stipulated　that　I　was　not　to　sleep　in　the　dormitory　with　the　boys　of　my　own　age；　but　in　the　room　occupied　by　the　two　elder　sons　of　a　prominent　Plymouth　Brother　whom　he　knew。　From　asocial　point　of　view　this　was　an　unfortunate　arrangement；　since　these　youths　were　some　years　older　and　many　years　riper　than　I；　the　eldest；　in　fact；　was　soon　to　leave；　they　had　enjoyed　their　independence；　and　they　now　greatly　resented　being　saddled　with　the　presence　of　an　unknown　urchin。　The　supposition　had　been　that　they　would　protect　and　foster　my　religious　practices；　would　encourage　me；　indeed；　as　my　Father　put　it；　to　approach　the　Throne　of　Grace　with　them　at　morning　and　evening　prayer。　They　made　no　pretence；　however；　to　be　considered　godly；　they　looked　upon　me　as　an　intruder；　and　after　a　while　the　younger；　and　ruder；　of　them　openly　let　me　know　that　they　believed　I　had　been　put　into　their　room　to　'spy　upon'　them；　it　had　been　a　plot；　they　knew；　between　their　father　and　mine：　and　he　darkly　warned　me　that　I　should　suffer　if　'anything　got　out'。　I　had；　however；　no　wish　to　trouble　them；　nor　any　faint　interest　in　their　affairs。　I　soon　discovered　that　they　were　absorbed　in　a　silly　kind　of　amorous　correspondence　with　the　girls　of　a　neighbouring　academy；　but　'what　were　all　such　toys　to　me？'

These　young　fellows；　who　ought　long　be