father and son-第37节

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ul　book　of　verses；　and　observing　its　religious　character；　I　asked　'May　I　read　that？'　and　after　a　brief；　astonished　glance　at　the　contents；　received　'0h　certainlyif　you　can！'

The　lawn　sloped　directly　from　a　verandah　at　our　drawing…room　window；　and　it　contained　two　immense　elm　trees；　which　had　originally　formed　part　of　the　hedge　of　a　meadow。　In　our　trim　and　polished　garden　they　then　remainedthey　were　soon　afterwards　cut　downrude　and　obtuse；　with　something　primeval　about　them；　something　autochthonous；　they　were　like　two　peasant　ancestors　surviving　in　a　family　that　had　advanced　to　gentility。　They　rose　each　out　of　a　steep　turfed　hillock；　and　the　root　of　one　of　them　was　long　my　favourite　summer　reading…desk；　for　I　could　lie　stretched　on　the　lawn；　with　my　head　and　shoulders　supported　by　the　elm…tree　hillock；　and　the　book　in　a　fissure　of　the　rough　turf。　Thither　then　I　escaped　with　my　graveyard　poets；　and　who　shall　explain　the　rapture　withwhich　I　followed　their　austere　morality？

Whether　I　really　read　consecutively　in　my　black…bound　volume　I　can　no　longer　be　sure；　but　it　became　a　companion　whose　society　I　valued；　and　at　worst　it　was　a　thousand　times　more　congenial　to　me　than　Jukes'　On　the　Pentateuch　or　than　a　perfectly　excruciating　work　ambiguously　styled　The　Javelin　of　Phineas；　which　lay　smouldering　in　a　dull　red　cover　on　the　drawing…room　table。　I　dipped　my　bucket　here　and　there　into　my　poets；　and　I　brought　up　strange　things。　I　brought　up　out　of　the　depths　of'　The　Last　Day'　the　following　ejaculation　of　a　soul　roused　by　the　trump　of　resurrection：

Father　of　mercies！　Why　from　silent　earth　Didst　thou　awake；　and　curse　me　into　birth？　Tear　me　from　quiet；　ravish　me　from　night；　And　make　a　thankless　present　of　thy　light？　Push　into　being　a　reverse　of　thee；　And　animate　a　clod　with　misery？

I　read　these　lines　with　a　shiver　of　excitement；　and　in　a　sense　I　suppose　little　intended　by　the　sanctimonious　rector　of　Welwyn。　I　also　read　in　the　same　piece　the　surprising　description　of　how

Now　charnels　rattle；　scattered　limbs；　and　all　The　various　bones；　obsequious　to　the　call；　Self…mov'd；　advancethe　neck　perhaps　to　meet　The　distant　head；　the　distant　legs　the　feet；

but　rejected　it　as　not　wholly　supported　by　the　testimony　of　Scripture。　I　think　that　the　rhetoric　and　vigorous　advance　of　Young's　verse　were　pleasant　to　me。　Beilby　Porteus　I　discarded　from　the　first　as　impenetrable。　In　'The　Deity'；I　knew　nothing　then　of　the　life　of　its　extravagant　and　preposterous　author；I　took　a　kind　of　persistent；　penitential　pleasure；　but　it　was　Blair's　'Grave'　that　really　delighted　me；　and　I　frightened　myself　with　its　melodious　doleful　images　in　earnest。

About　this　time　there　was　a　great　flow　of　teatable　hospitality　in　the　village；　and　my　friends　and　their　friends　used　to　be　asked　out；　by　respective　parents　and　by　more　than　one　amiable　spinster；　to　faint　little　entertainments　where　those　sang　who　were　ambitious　to　sing；　and　where　all　played　post　and　forfeits　after　a　rich　tea。　My　Father　was　constantly　exercised　in　mind　as　to　whether　I　should　or　should　not　accept　these　glittering　invitations。　There　hovered　before　him　a　painful　sense　of　danger　in　resigning　the　soul　to　pleasures　which　savoured　of　'the　world'。　These；　though　apparently　innocent　in　themselves；　might　give　an　appetite　for　yet　more　subversive　dissipations。　I　remember；　on　one　occasion；when　the　Browns；　a　family　of　Baptists　who　kept　a　large　haberdashery　shop　in　the　neighbouring　town；　asked　for　the　pleasure　of　my　company　'to　tea　and　games'；　and　carried　complacency　so　far　as　to　offer　to　send　that　local　vehicle；　'the　midge'；　to　fetch　me　and　bring　me　back；my　Father's　conscience　was　so　painfully　perplexed；　that　he　desired　me　to　come　up　with　him　to　the　now…deserted　'boudoir'　of　the　departed　Marks；　that　we　might　'lay　the　matter　before　the　Lord'。　We　did　so；　kneeling　side　by　side；　with　our　backs　to　the　window　and　our　foreheads　pressed　upon　the　horsehair　cover　of　the　small；　coffin…like　sofa。　My　Father　prayed　aloud；　with　great　fervour；　that　it　might　be　revealed　to　me；　by　the　voice　of　God；　whether　it　was　or　was　not　the　Lord's　will　that　I　should　attend　the　Browns'　party。　My　Father's　attitude　seemed　to　me　to　be　hardly　fair；　since　he　did　not　scruple　to　remind　the　Deity　of　various　objections　to　a　life　of　pleasure　and　of　the　snakes　that　lie　hidden　in　the　grass　of　evening　parties。　It　would　have　been　more　scrupulous；　I　thought；　to　give　no　sort　of　hint　of　the　kind　of　answer　he　desired　and　expected。

It　will　be　justly　said　that　my　life　was　made　up　of　very　trifling　things；　since　I　have　to　confess　that　this　incident　of　the　Browns'　invitation　was　one　of　its　landmarks。　As　I　knelt；　feeling　very　small；　by　the　immense　bulk　of　my　Father；　there　gushed　though　my　veins　like　a　wine　the　determination　to　rebel。　Never　before；　in　all　these　years　of　my　vocation；　had　I　felt　my　resistance　take　precisely　this　definite　form。　We　rose　presently　from　the　sofa；　my　forehead　and　the　backs　of　my　hands　still　chafed　by　the　texture　of　the　horsehair；　and　we　faced　one　another　in　the　dreary　light。　My　Father；　perfectly　confident　in　the　success　of　what　had　really　been　a　sort　of　incantation；　asked　me　in　a　loud　wheedling　voice；　'Well；　and　what　is　the　answer　which　our　Lord　vouchsafes？'　I　said　nothing；　and　so　my　Father；　more　sharply；　continued；　'We　have　asked　Him　to　direct　you　to　a　true　knowledge　of　His　will。　We　have　desired　Him　to　let　you　know　whether　it　is；　or　is　not；　in　accordance　with　His　wishes　that　you　should　accept　this　invitation　from　the　Browns。'　He　positively　beamed　down　at　me；　he　had　no　doubt　of　the　reply。　He　was　already；　I　believe；　planning　some　little　treat　to　make　up　to　me　for　the　material　deprivation。　But　my　answer　came；　in　the　high…piping　accents　of　despair：　'The　Lord　says　I　may　go　to　the　Browns。'　My　Father　gazed　at　me　in　speechless　horror。　He　was　caught　in　his　own　trap；　and　though　he　was　certain　that　the　Lord　had　said　nothing　of　the　kind；　there　was　no　road　open　for　him　but　just　sheer　retreat。　Yet　surely　it　was　an　error　in　tactics　to　slam　the　door。

It　was　at　this　party　at　the　Brownsto　which　I　duly　went；　although　in　sore　disgracethat　my　charnel　poets　played　me　a　mean　trick。　It　was　proposed　that　'our　young　friends'　should　give　their　elders　the　treat　of　repeating　any　pretty　pieces　that　they　knew　by　heart。　Accordingly　a　little　girl　recited　'Casabianca'；　and　another　little　girl　'We　are　Seven'；　and　various　children　were　induced　to　repeat　hymns；　'some　rather　long'；　as　Calverley　says；　but　all　very　mild　and　innocuously　evangelical。　I　was　then　asked　by　Mrs　Brown's　maiden　sister；　a　gushing　lady　in　corkscrew　curls；　who　led　the　revels；　whether　I　also　would　not　indulge　them　'by　repeating　some　sweet　stanzas'。　No　one　more　ready　than　I。　Without　a　moment's　hesitation；　I　stood　forth；　and　in　a　loud　voice　I　began　one　of　my　favourite　passages　from　Blair's　'Grave'：

If　death　were　nothing；　and　nought　after　death　If　when　men　died　at　once　they　ceased　to　be；　Returning　to　the　barren　Womb　of　Nothing　Whence　first　they　sprung；　then　might　the　debauchee。。。

'Thank　you；　dear；　that　will　do　nicely！'　interrupted　the　lady　with　the　curls。　'But　that's　only　the　beginning　of　it；'　I　cried。　'Yes。　dear；　but　that　will　quite　do！　We　won't　ask　you　to　repeat　any　more　of　it；'　and　I　withdrew　to　the　borders　of　the　company　in　bewilderment。　Nor　did　the　Browns　or　their　visitors　ever　learn　what　it　was　the　debauchee　might　have　said　or　done　in　more　favourable　circumstances。

The　growing　eagerness　which　I　displayed　for　the　society　of　selected　schoolfellows　and　for　such　gentle　dissipations　as　were　within　my　reach　exercised　my　Father　greatly。　His　fancy　rushed　forward　with　the　pace　of　a　steam…engine；　and　saw　me　the　life　and　soul　of　a　gambling　club；　or　flaunting　it　at　the　Mabille。　He　had　no　confidence　in　the　action　of　moderating　powers；　and　he　was　fond　of　repeating　that　the　downward　path　is　easy。　If　one　fretted　to　be　bathing　with　one's　companions　on　the　shingle；　and　preferred　this　exercise　to　the　study　of　God's　Word；　it　was　a　symbol　of　a　terrible　decline；　the　angle　of　which　would　grow　steeper　and　steeper；　until　one　plunged　into　perdition。　He　was；　himself；　timid　and　reclusive；　and　he　shrank　from　all　avoidable　companionship　with　others；　except　on　the　footing　of　a　master　and　teacher。　My　stepmother　and　I；　who　neither　taught　nor　ruled；　yearned　for　a　looser　chain　and　lighter　relationships。　With　regard　to　myself；　my　Father　about　this　time　hit　on　a　plan　from　which　he　hoped　much；　but　from　which　little　resulted。　He　looked　to　George　to　supply　what　my　temperament　seemed　to　require　of　congenial　juvenile　companionship。

If　I　have　not　mentioned　'George'　until　now；　it　is　not　that　he　was　a　new　acquaintance。　When　we　first　came　down　into　the　country；　our　sympathy　had　been　called　forth　by　an　accident　to　a　little　boy；　who　was　knocked　over　by　a　horse；　and　whose　thigh　was　broken。　Somebody　（I　suppose　Mary　Grace；　since　my　Father　could　rarely　bring　himself　to　pay　these　public　visits）　went　to　see　the　child　in　the　infirmary；　and　accidentally　discovered　that　he　was　exactly　the　same　age　that　I　was。　This；　and　the　fact　that　he　was　a　meditative　and　sober　little　boy；　attracted　us　all　still　further　to　George；　who　became　converted　under　one　of　my　Father's　sermons。　He　attended　my　public　baptism；　and　was　so　much　moved　by　this　ceremony　that　he　passio