father and son-第34节
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increase of health did not bring increase of spirituality。 My Father； fully occupied with moulding the will and inflaming the piety of my stepmother； left me now； to a degree not precedented； inundisturbed possession of my own devices。 I did not lose my faith； but many other things took a prominent place in my mind。
It will； I suppose； be admitted that there is no greater proof of complete religious sincerity than fervour in private prayer。 If an individual； alone by the side of his bed； prolongs his intercessions； lingers wrestling with his divine Companion； and will not leave off until he has what he believes to be evidence of a reply to his entreatiesthen； no matter what the character of his public protestations； or what the frailty of his actions； it is absolutely certain that he believes in what he professes。
My Father prayed in private in what I may almost call a spirit of violence。 He entreated for spiritual guidance with nothing less than importunity。 It might be said that he stormed the citadels of God's grace； refusing to be baffled； urging his intercessions without mercy upon a Deity who sometimes struck me as inattentive to his prayers or wearied by them。 My Father's acts of supplication； as I used to witness them at night； when I was supposed to be asleep； were accompanied by stretchings out of the hands； by crackings of the joints of the fingers； by deep breathings； by murmurous sounds which seemed just breaking out of silence； like Virgil's bees out of the hive； 'magnis clamoribus'。 My Father fortified his religious life by prayer as an athlete does his physical life by lung…gymnastics and vigorous rubbings。
It was a trouble to my conscience that I could not emulate this fervour。 The poverty of my prayers had now long been a source of distress to me； but I could not discover how to enrich them。 My Father used to warn us very solemnly against 'lip…service'； by which he meant singing hymns of experience and joining in ministrations in which our hearts took no vital or personal part。 This was an outward act； the tendency of which I could well appreciate； but there was a 'lipservice' even more deadly than that； against which it never occurred to him to warn me。 It assailed me when I had come alone by my bedside； and had blown out the candle； and had sunken on my knees in my night…gown。 Then it was that my deadness made itself felt； in the mechanical address I put up； the emptiness of my language； the absence of all real unction。
I never could contrive to ask God for spiritual gifts in the same voice and spirit in which I could ask a human being for objects which I knew he could give me and which I earnestly desired to possess。 That sense of the reality of intercession was for ever denied me； and it was； I now see； the stigma of my want of faith。 But at the time； of course； I suspected nothing of the kind； and I tried to keep up my zeal by a desperate mental flogging； as if my soul had been a peg…top。
In nothing did I gain from the advent of my stepmother more than in the encouragement she gave to my friendships with a group of boys of my own age； of whom I had now lately formed the acquaintance。 These friendships she not merely tolerated； but fostered； it was even due to her kind arrangements that they took a certain set form； that our excursions started from this house or from that on regular days。 I hardly know by what stages I ceased to be a lonely little creature of mock…monographs and mud… pies； and became a member of a sort of club of eight or ten active boys。 The long summer holidays of 1861 were set in an enchanting brightness。
Looking back； I cannot see a cloud on the terrestrial horizonI see nothing but a blaze of sunshine； descents of slippery grass to moons of snow…white shingle； cold to the bare flesh； red promontories running out into a sea that was like sapphire； and our happy clan climbing； bathing； boating； lounging； chattering； all the hot day through。 Once more I have to record the fact； which I think is not without interest； that precisely as my life ceases to be solitary； it ceases to be distinct。 I have no difficulty in recalling； with the minuteness of a photograph； scenes in which my Father and I were the sole actors within the four walls of a room； but of the glorious life among wild boys on the margin of the sea I have nothing but vague and broken impressions； delicious and illusive。
It was a remarkable proof of my Father's temporary lapse into indulgence that he made no effort to thwart my intimacy with these my new companions。 He was in an unusually humane mood himself。 His marriage was one proof of it； another was the composition at this time of the most picturesque； easy and graceful of all his writings； The Romance of Natural History； even now a sort of classic。 Everything combined to make him believe that the blessing of the Lord was upon him； and to clothe the darkness of the world with at least a mist of rose…colour。 I do not recollect that ever at this time he bethought him； when I started in the morning for a long day with my friends on the edge of the sea； to remind me that I must speak to them； in season and out of season； of the Blood of Jesus。 And I； young coward that I was； let sleeping dogmas lie。
My companions were not all of them the sons of saints in our communion； their parents belonged to that professional class which we were only now beginning to attract to our services。 They were brought up in religious； but not in fanatical； families； and I was the only 'converted' one among them。 Mrs。 Paget； of whom I shall have presently to speak；characteristically said that it grieved her to see 'one lamb among so many kids'。 But 'kid' is a word of varied significance and the symbol did not seem to us effectively applied。 As a matter of fact； we made what I still feel was an excellent tacit compromise。 My young companions never jeered at me for being 'in communion with the saints'； and I； on my part； never urged the Atonement upon them。 I began； in fact； more and more to keep my own religion for use on Sundays。
It will； I hope； have been observed that among the very curious grown…up people into whose company I was thrown； although many were frail and some were foolish； none； so far as I can discern； were hypocritical。 I am not one of those who believe that hypocrisy is a vice that grows on every bush。 Of course； in religious more than in any other matters； there is a perpetual contradiction between our thoughts and our deeds which is inevitable to our social order； and is bound to lead to cette tromperie mutuelle of which Pascal speaks。 But I have often wondered； while admiring the splendid portrait of Tartuffe； whether such a monster ever； or at least often； has walked the stage of life； whether Moliere observed； or only invented him。
To adopt a scheme of religious pretension； with no belief whatever in its being true； merely for sensuous advantage； openly acknowledging to one's inner self the brazen system of deceit； such a course may； and doubtless has been； trodden； yet surely much less frequently than cynics love to suggest。 But at the juncture which I have now reached in my narrative； I had the advantage of knowing a person who was branded before the whole world； and punished by the law of his country； as a felonious hypocrite。 My Father himself could only sigh and admit the charge。 And yetI doubt。
About half…way between our village and the town there lay a comfortable villa inhabited by a retired solicitor； or perhaps attorney； whom I shall name Mr。 Dormant。 We often called at his half…way house； and； although he was a member of the town… meeting； he not unfrequently came up to us for 'the breaking of bread'。 Mr。 Dormant was a solid； pink man； of a cosy habit。 He had beautiful white hair； a very soft voice； and a welcoming； wheedling manner； he was extremely fluent and zealous in using the pious phraseology of the sect。 My Father had never been very much attracted to him； but the man professed； and I think felt； an overwhelming admiration for my Father。 Mr。 Dormant was not very well off； and in the previous year he had persuaded an aged gentleman of wealth to come and board with him。 When； in the course of the winter； this gentleman died； much surprise was felt at the report that he had left almost his entire fortune； which was not inconsiderable； to Mr。 Dormant。
Much surprisefor the old gentleman had a son to whom he had always been warmly attached； who was far away； I think in South America； practising a perfectly respectable profession of which his father entirely approved。 My own Father always preserved a delicacy and a sense of honour about money which could not have been more sensitive if he had been an ungodly man； and I am very much pleased to remember that when the legacy was first spoken of； he regretted that Mr。 Dormant should have allowed the old gentleman to make this will。 If he knew the intention； my Father said； it would have shown a more proper sense of his responsibility if he had dissuaded the testator from so unbecoming a disposition。 That was long before any legal question arose； and now Mr。 Dormant came into his fortune； and began to make handsome gifts to missionary societies； and to his own meeting in the town。 If I do not mi
