father and son-第29节

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all　as　one　of　our　microscopical　specimens；　almost　infinitesimally　tiny　as　I　descended　into　his　Titanic　arms；　I　was　handed　down　the　steps　to　him。　He　was　dressed　in　a　kind　of　long　surplice；　underneath　whichas　I　could　not；　even　in　that　moment；　help　observingthe　air　gathered　in　long　bubbles　which　he　strove　to　flatten　out。　The　end　of　his　noble　beard　he　had　tucked　away；　his　shirt…sleeves　were　turned　up　at　the　wrist。

The　entire　congregation　was　now　silent；　so　silent　that　the　uncertain　splashing　of　my　feet　as　I　descended　seemed　to　deafen　one。　Mr。　S。；　a　little　embarrassed　by　my　short　stature；　succeeded　at　length　in　securing　me　with　one　palm　on　my　chest　and　the　other　between　my　shoulders。　He　said；　slowly；　in　a　loud；　sonorous　voice　that　seemed　to　enter　my　brain　and　empty　it；　'I　baptize　thee；　my　Brother；　in　the　name　of　the　Father　and　of　the　Son　and　of　the　Holy　Ghost！'　Having　intoned　this　formula；　he　then　gently　flung　me　backwards　until　I　was　wholly　under　the　water；　and　thenas　he　brought　me　up　again；　and　tenderly　steadied　my　feet　on　the　steps　of　the　font；　and　delivered　me；　dripping　and　spluttering；　into　the　anxious　hands　of　the　women；　who　hurried　me　to　the　tentthe　whole　assembly　broke　forth　in　a　thunder　of　song；　a　paean　of　praise　to　God　for　this　manifestation　of　his　marvellous　goodness　and　mercy。　So　great　was　the　enthusiasm；　that　it　could　hardly　be　restrained　so　as　to　allow　the　other　candidates；　the　humdrum　adults　who　followed　in　my　wet　and　glorious　footsteps；　to　undergo　a　ritual　about　which；　in　their　case；　no　one　in　the　congregation　pretended　to　be　able　to　take　even　the　most　languid　interest。

My　Father's　happiness　during　the　next　few　weeks　it　is　not　pathetic　to　me　to　look　back　upon。　His　sternness　melted　into　a　universal　complaisance。　He　laughed　and　smiled；　he　paid　to　my　opinions　the　tribute　of　the　gravest　considerations；　he　indulged　utterly　unlike　his　wontin　shy　and　furtive　caresses。　I　could　express　no　wish　that　he　did　not　attempt　to　fulfill；　and　the　only　warning　which　he　cared　to　give　me　was　one；　very　gently　expressed；　against　spiritual　pride。

This　was　certainly　required；　for　I　was　puffed　out　with　a　sense　of　my　own　holiness。　I　was　religiously　confidential　with　my　Father；　condescending　with　Miss　Marks　（who　I　think　had　given　up　trying　to　make　it　all　out）；　haughty　with　the　servants；　and　insufferably　patronizing　with　those　young　companions　of　my　own　age　with　whom　I　was　now　beginning　to　associate。

I　would　fain　close　this　remarkable　episode　on　a　key　of　solemnity；　but　alas！　If　I　am　to　be　loyal　to　the　truth；　I　must　record　that　some　of　the　other　little　boys　presently　complained　to　Mary　Grace　that　I　put　out　my　tongue　at　them　in　mockery；　during　the　service　in　the　Room；　to　remind　them　that　I　now　broke　bread　as　one　of　the　Saints　and　that　they　did　not。

CHAPTER　IX

THE　result　of　my　being　admitted　into　the　communion　of　the　'Saints'　was　that；　as　soon　as　the　nine　days'　wonder　of　the　thing　passed　by；　my　position　became；　if　anything；　more　harassing　and　pressed　than　ever。　It　is　true　that　freedom　was　permitted　to　me　in　certain　directions；　I　was　allowed　to　act　a　little　more　on　my　own　responsibility；　and　was　not　so　incessantly　informed　what　'the　Lord's　will'　might　be　in　this　matter　and　in　that；　because　it　was　now　conceived　that；　in　such　dilemmas；　I　could　command　private　intelligence　of　my　own。　But　there　was　no　relaxation　of　our　rigid　manner　of　life；　and　I　think　I　now　began；　by　comparing　it　with　the　habits　of　others；　to　perceive　how　very　strict　it　was。

The　main　difference　in　my　lot　as　a　communicant　from　that　of　a　mere　dweller　in　the　tents　of　righteousness　was　that　I　was　expected　to　respond　with　instant　fervour　to　every　appeal　of　conscience。　When　I　did　not　do　this；　my　position　was　almost　worse　than　it　had　been　before；　because　of　the　livelier　nature　of　the　responsibility　which　weighed　upon　me。　My　little　faults　of　conduct；　too；　assumed　shapes　of　terrible　importance；　since　they　proceeded　from　one　so　signally　enlightened。　My　Father　was　never　tired　of　reminding　me　that；　now　that　I　was　a　professing　Christian；　I　must　remember；　in　everything　I　did；　that　I　was　an　example　to　others。　He　used　to　draw　dreadful　pictures　of　supposititious　little　boys　who　were　secretly　watching　me　from　afar；　and　whose　whole　career；　in　time　and　in　eternity；　might　be　disastrously　affected　if　I　did　not　keep　my　lamp　burning。

The　year　which　followed　upon　my　baptism　did　not　open　very　happily　at　the　Room。　Considerable　changes　had　now　taken　place　in　the　community。　My　Father's　impressive　services；　a　certain　prestige　in　his　preaching；　the　mere　fact　that　so　vigorous　a　person　was　at　the　head　of　affairs；　had　induced　a　large　increase　in　the　attendance。　By　this　time；　if　my　memory　does　not　fail　me　as　to　dates；　we　had　left　the　dismal　loft　over　the　stables；　and　had　built　ourselves　a　perfectly　plain；　but　commodious　and　well…arranged　chapel　in　the　centre　of　the　village。　This　greatly　added　to　the　prosperity　of　the　meeting。　Everything　had　combined　to　make　our　services　popular；　and　had　attracted　to　us　a　new　element　of　younger　people。　Numbers　of　youthful　masons　and　carpenters；　shop…girls　and　domestic　servants；　found　the　Room　a　pleasant　trystingplace；　and　were　more　or　less　superficially　induced　to　accept　salvation　as　it　was　offered　to　them　in　my　Father's　searching　addresses。　My　Father　was　very　shrewd　in　dealing　with　mere　curiosity　or　idle　motive；　and　sharply　packed　off　any　youths　who　simply　came　to　make　eyes　at　the　girls；　or　any　'maids'　whose　only　object　was　to　display　their　new　bonnet…strings。　But　he　was　powerless　against　a　temporary　sincerity；　the　simulacrum　of　a　true　change　of　heart。　I　have　often　heard　him　say；of　some　young　fellow　who　had　attended　our　services　with　fervour　for　a　little　while；　and　then　had　turned　cold　and　left　us；'and　I　thought　that　the　Holy　Ghost　had　wrought　in　him！'　Such　disappointments　grievously　depress　an　evangelist。

Religious　bodies　are　liable　to　strange　and　unaccountable　fluctuations。　At　the　beginning　of　the　third　year　since　our　arrival；　the　congregation　seemed　to　be　in　a　very　prosperous　state；　as　regards　attendance；　conversions　and　other　outward　signs　of　activity。　Yet　it　was　quite　soon　after　this　that　my　Father　began　to　be　harassed　by　all　sorts　of　troubles；　and　the　spring　of　1860　was　a　critical　moment　in　the　history　of　the　community。　Although　he　loved　to　take　a　very　high　tone　about　the　Saints；　and　involved　them　sometimes　in　a　cloud　of　laudatory　metaphysics；　the　truth　was　that　they　were　nothing　more　than　peasants　of　a　somewhat　primitive　type；　not　well　instructed　in　the　rules　of　conduct　and　liable　to　exactly　the　same　weaknesses　as　invade　the　rural　character　in　every　country　and　latitude。　That　they　were　exhorted　to　behave　as　'children　of　light'；　and　that　the　majority　of　them　sincerely　desired　to　do　credit　to　their　high　calling；　could　not　prevent　their　being　beset　by　the　sins　which　had　affected　their　forebears　for　generations　past。

The　addition　of　so　many　young　persons　of　each　sex　to　the　communion　led　to　an　entirely　new　class　of　embarrassment。　Now　there　arose　endless　difficulties　about　'engagements'；　about　youthful　brethren　who　'went　out　walking'　with　even　more　youthful　sisters。　Glancing　over　my　Father's　notes；　I　observe　the　ceaseless　repetition　of　cases　in　which　So…and…So　is　'courting'　Such…an…one；　followed　by　the　melancholy　record　that　he　has　'deserted'　her。　In　my　Father's　stern　language；　'desertion'　would　very　often　mean　no　more　than　that　the　amatory　pair　had　blamelessly　changed　their　minds；　but　in　some　cases　it　meant　more　and　worse　than　this。　It　was　a　very　great　distress　to　him　that　sometimes　the　young　men　and　women　who　showed　the　most　lively　interest　in　Scripture；　and　who　had　apparently　accepted　the　way　of　salvation　with　the　fullest　intelligence；　were　precisely　those　who　seemed　to　struggle　with　least　success　against　a　temptation　to　unchastity。　He　put　this　down　to　the　concentrated　malignity　of　Satan；　who　directed　his　most　poisoned　darts　against　the　fairest　of　the　flock。

In　addition　to　these　troubles；　there　came　recriminations；　mutual　charges　of　drunkenness　in　private；　all　sorts　of　petty　jealousy　and　scandal。　There　were　frequent　definite　acts　of　'back…sliding'　on　the　part　of　members；　who　had　in　consequence　to　be　'put　away'。　No　one　of　these　cases　might　be　in　itself　extremely　serious；　but　when　many　of　them　came　together　they　seemed　to　indicate　that　the　church　was　in　an　unhealthy　condition。　The　particulars　of　many　of　these　scandals　were　concealed　from　me；　but　I　was　an　adroit　little　pitcher；　and　had　cultivated　the　art　of　seeming　to　be　interested　in　something　else；　a　book　or　a　flower；　while　my　elders　were　talking　confidentially。　As　a　rule；　while　I　would　fain　have　acquired　more　details；　I　was　fairly　well…informed　about　the　errors　of　the　Saints；　although　I　was　often　quaintly　ignorant　of　the　real　nature　of　those　errors。

Not　infrequently；　persons　who　had　fallen　into　sin　repented　of　it　under　my　Father's　penetrating　ministrations。　They　were　apt　in　their　penitence　to　use　strange　symbolic　expressions。　I　remember　Mrs。　Pewings；　our　washerwoman；　who　had　been　accused　of　intemperance　and　had　been　suspended　from　communion；　reappearing　with　a　face　that　shone　with　soap　and　sanctification；　and　saying　to　me；　'Oh！　blessed　Child；　you're　wonderin'　to　zee　old　Pewings　here　again；　but　He　have　rolled