father and son-第2节

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t；　which　kept　the　student　'out　of　the　world'；　gave　him　full　employment；　and　enabled　him　to　maintain　himself。　But　pleasure　was　found　nowhere　but　in　the　Word　of　God；　and　to　the　endless　discussion　of　the　Scriptures　each　hurried　when　the　day's　work　was　over。

In　this　strange　household　the　advent　of　a　child　was　not　welcomed；　but　was　borne　with　resignation。　The　event　was　thus　recorded　in　my　Father's　diary：

E。　delivered　of　a　son。　Received　green　swallow　from　Jamaica。

This　entry　has　caused　amusement；　as　showing　that　he　was　as　much　interested　in　the　bird　as　in　the　boy。　But　this　does　not　follow；　what　the　wording　exemplifies　is　my　Father's　extreme　punctilio。　The　green　swallow　arrived　later　in　the　day　than　the　son；　and　the　earlier　visitor　was　therefore　recorded　first；　my　Father　was　scrupulous　in　every　species　of　arrangement。

Long　afterwards；　my　Father　told　me　that　my　Mother　suffered　much　in　giving　birth　to　me；　and　that；　uttering　no　cry；　I　appeared　to　be　dead。　I　was　laid；　with　scant　care；　on　another　bed　in　the　room；　while　all　anxiety　and　attention　were　concentrated　on　my　Mother。　An　old　woman　who　happened　to　be　there；　and　who　was　unemployed；　turned　her　thoughts　to　me；　and　tried　to　awake　in　me　a　spark　of　vitality。　She　succeeded；　and　she　was　afterwards　complimented　by　the　doctor　on　her　cleverness。　My　Father　could　notwhen　he　told　me　the　storyrecollect　the　name　of　my　preserver。　I　have　often　longed　to　know　who　she　was。　For　all　the　rapture　of　life；　for　all　its　turmoils；　its　anxious　desires；　its　manifold　pleasures；　and　even　for　its　sorrow　and　suffering；　I　bless　and　praise　that　anonymous　old　lady　from　the　bottom　of　my　heart。

It　was　six　weeks　before　my　Mother　was　able　to　leave　her　room。　The　occasion　was　made　a　solemn　one；　and　was　attended　by　a　species　of　Churching。　Mr　Balfour；　a　valued　minister　of　the　denomination；　held　a　private　service　in　the　parlour；　and　'prayed　for　our　child；　that　he　may　be　the　Lord's'。　This　was　the　opening　act　of　that　'dedication'　which　was　never　henceforward　forgotten；　and　of　which　the　following　pages　will　endeavour　to　describe　the　results。　Around　my　tender　and　unconscious　spirit　was　flung　the　luminous　web；　the　light　and　elastic　but　impermeable　veil；　which　it　was　hoped　would　keep　me　'unspotted　from　the　world'。

Until　this　time　my　Father's　mother　had　lived　in　the　house　and　taken　the　domestic　charges　of　it　on　her　own　shoulders。　She　now　consented　to　leave　us　to　ourselves。　There　is　no　question　that　her　exodus　was　a　relief　to　my　Mother；　since　my　paternal　grandmother　was　a　strong　and　masterful　woman；　buxom；　choleric　and　practical；　for　whom　the　interests　of　the　mind　did　not　exist。　Her　daughter…　in…law；　gentle　as　she　was；　and　ethereal　in　manner　and　appearance…　…strangely　contrasted　（no　doubt）；　in　her　tinctures　of　gold　hair　and　white　skin；　with　my　grandmother's　bold　carnations　and　black　tresseswas　yet　possessed　of　a　will　like　tempered　steel。　They　were　better　friends　apart；　with　my　grandmother　lodged　hard　by；　in　a　bright　room；　her　household　gods　and　bits　of　excellent　eighteenth…century　furniture　around　her；　her　miniatures　and　sparkling　china　arranged　on　shelves。

Left　to　my　Mother's　sole　care；　I　became　the　centre　of　her　solicitude。　But　there　mingled　with　those　happy　animal　instincts　which　sustain　the　strength　and　patience　of　every　human　mother　and　were　fully　present　with　herthere　mingled　with　these　certain　spiritual　determinations　which　can　be　but　rare。　They　are；　in　their　outline；　I　suppose；　vaguely　common　to　many　religious　mothers；　but　there　are　few　indeed　who　fill　up　the　sketch　with　so　firm　a　detail　as　she　did。　Once　again　I　am　indebted　to　her　secret　notes；　in　a　little　locked　volume；　seen　until　now；　nearly　sixty　years　later；　by　no　eye　save　her　own。　Thus　she　wrote　when　I　was　two　months　old：

'We　have　given　him　to　the　Lord；　and　we　trust　that　He　will　really　manifest　him　to　be　His　own；　if　he　grow　up；　and　if　the　Lord　take　him　early；　we　will　not　doubt　that　he　is　taken　to　Himself。　Only；　if　it　please　the　Lord　to　take　him；　I　do　trust　we　may　be　spared　seeing　him　suffering　in　lingering　illness　and　much　pain。　But　in　this　as　in　all　things　His　will　is　better　than　what　we　can　choose。　Whether　his　life　be　prolonged　or　not；　it　has　already　been　a　blessing　to　us；　and　to　the　saints；　in　leading　us　to　much　prayer；　and　bringing　us　into　varied　need　and　some　trial。

The　last　sentence　is　somewhat　obscure　to　me。　How；　at　that　tender　age；　I　contrived　to　be　a　blessing　'to　the　saints'　may　surprise　others　and　puzzles　myself。　But　'the　saints'　was　the　habitual　term　by　which　were　indicated　the　friends　who　met　on　Sunday　mornings　for　Holy　Communion；　and　at　many　other　tunes　in　the　week　for　prayer　and　discussion　of　the　Scriptures；　in　the　small　hired　hall　at　Hackney；　which　my　parents　attended。　I　suppose　that　the　solemn　dedication　of　me　to　the　Lord；　which　was　repeated　in　public　in　my　Mother's　arms；　being　by　no　means　a　usual　or　familiar　ceremony　even　among　the　Brethren；　created　a　certain　curiosity　and　fervour　in　the　immediate　services；　or　was　imagined　so　to　do　by　the　fond；　partial　heart　of　my　Mother。　She；　however；　who　had　been　so　much　isolated；　now　made　the　care　of　her　child　an　excuse　for　retiring　still　further　into　silence。　With　those　religious　persons　who　met　at　the　Room；　as　the　modest　chapel　was　called；　she　had　little　spiritual；　and　no　intellectual；　sympathy。　She　noted：

I　do　not　think　it　would　increase　my　happiness　to　be　in　the　midst　of　the　saints　at　Hackney。　I　have　made　up　my　mind　to　give　myself　up　to　Baby　for　the　winter；　and　to　accept　no　invitations。　To　go　when　I　can　to　the　Sunday　morning　meetings　and　to　see　my　own　Mother。

The　monotony　of　her　existence　now　became　extreme；　but　she　seems　to　have　been　happy。　Her　days　were　spent　in　taking　care　of　me；　and　in　directing　one　young　servant。　My　Father　was　forever　in　his　study；　writing；　drawing；　dissecting；　sitting；　no　doubt；　as　I　grew　afterwards　accustomed　to　see　him；　absolutely　motionless；　with　his　eye　glued　to　the　microscope；　for　twenty　minutes　at　a　time。　So　the　greater　part　of　every　weekday　was　spent；　and　on　Sunday　he　usually　preached　one；　and　sometimes　two　extempore　sermons。　His　workday　labours　were　rewarded　by　the　praise　of　the　learned　world；　to　which　he　was　indifferent；　but　by　very　little　money；　which　he　needed　more。　For　over　three　years　after　their　marriage；　neither　of　my　parents　left　London　for　a　single　day；　not　being　able　to　afford　to　travel。　They　received　scarcely　any　visitors；　never　ate　a　meal　away　from　home；　never　spent　an　evening　in　social　intercourse　abroad。　At　night　they　discussed　theology；　read　aloud　to　one　another；　or　translated　scientific　brochures　from　French　or　German。　It　sounds　a　terrible　life　of　pressure　and　deprivation；　and　that　it　was　physically　unwholesome　there　can　be　no　shadow　of　a　doubt。　But　their　contentment　was　complete　and　unfeigned。　In　the　midst　of　this；　materially；　the　hardest　moment　of　their　lives；　when　I　was　one　year　old；　and　there　was　a　question　of　our　leaving　London；　my　Mother　recorded　in　her　secret　notes：

〃We　are　happy　and　contented；　having　all　things　needful　and　pleasant；　and　our　present　habitation　is　hallowed　by　many　sweet　associations。　We　have　our　house　to　ourselves　and　enjoy　each　other's　society。　If　we　move　we　shall　do　longer　be　alone。　The　situation　may　be　more　favourable；　however；　for　Baby；　as　being　more　in　the　country。　I　desire　to　have　no　choice　in　the　matter；　but　as　I　know　not　what　would　be　for　our　good；　and　God　knows；　so　I　desire　to　leave　it　with　Him；　and　if　it　is　not　His　will　we　should　move；　He　will　raise　objections　and　difficulties；　and　if　it　is　His　will　He　will　make　Henry　＇my　Father＇　desirous　and　anxious　to　take　the　step；　and　then；　whatever　the　result；　let　us　leave　all　to　Him　and　not　regret　it。〃

No　one　who　is　acquainted　with　the　human　heart　will　mistake　this　attitude　of　resignation　for　weakness　of　purpose。　It　was　not　poverty　of　will；　it　was　abnegation；　it　was　a　voluntary　act。　My　Mother；　underneath　an　exquisite　amenity　of　manner；　concealed　a　rigour　of　spirit　which　took　the　form　of　a　constant　self…denial。　For　it　to　dawn　upon　her　consciousness　that　she　wished　for　something；　was　definitely　to　renounce　that　wish；　or；　more　exactly；　to　subject　it　in　every　thing　to　what　she　conceived　to　be　the　will　of　God。

This　is　perhaps　the　right　moment　for　me　to　say　that　at　this　time；　and　indeed　until　the　hour　of　her　death；　she　exercised；　without　suspecting　it；　a　magnetic　power　over　the　will　and　nature　of　my　Father。　Both　were　strong；　but　my　Mother　was　unquestionably　the　stronger　of　the　two；　it　was　her　mind　which　gradually　drew　his　to　take　up　a　certain　definite　position；　and　this　remained　permanent　although　she；　the　cause　of　it；　was　early　removed。　Hence；　while　it　was　with　my　Father　that　the　long　struggle　which　I　have　to　narrate　took　place；　behind　my　Father　stood　the　ethereal　memory　of　my　Mother's　will；　guiding　him；　pressing　him；　holding　him　to　the　unswerving　purpose　which　she　had　formed　and　defined。　And　when　the　inevitable　disruption　came；　what　was　unspeakably　painful　was　to　realize　that　it　was　not　from　one；　but　from　both　parents　that　the　purpose　of　the　child　was　separated。

My　Mother　was　a　Puritan　in　grain；　and　never　a　word　escaped　her；　not　a　phrase　exists　in　her　diary；　to　suggest　that　she　had　any　privations　to　put　up　with。　She　seemed　strong　and　well；　and　so　did　I；　the　one　of　us　w