stories by english authors-orient (英国作家故事集)-第31节
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being alone with him in that little camp in that silent plain〃she
shuddered〃made things worse。 My nerves went all to pieces。 Everything
he said； his voice； his accent； his walk； the way he ate； irritated me so that
I longed to rush out sometimes and shriekand go /mad/。 Does it sound
ridiculous to you to be driven mad by such trifles？ I only know I used to
get up from the table sometimes and walk up and down outside； with both
hands over my mouth to keep myself quiet。 And all the time I /hated/
myselfhow I hated myself！ I never had a word from him that wasn't
gentle and tender。 I believe he loved the ground I walked on。 Oh； it is
/awful/ to be loved like that when you〃 She drew in her breath with a sob。
〃IIit made me sick for him to come near meto touch me。〃 She stopped
a moment。
Broomhurst gently laid his hand on her quivering one。 〃Poor little
girl！〃 he murmured。
〃Then /you/ came；〃 she said； 〃and before long I had another feeling to
fight against。 At first I thought it couldn't be true that I loved you it
would die down。 I think I was /frightened/ at the feeling； I didn't know it
hurt so to love any one。〃
Broomhurst stirred a little。 〃Go on；〃 he said； tersely。
〃But it didn't die；〃 she continued； in a trembling whisper； 〃and the
other /awful/ feeling grew stronger and strongerhatred； no； that is not the
word/loathing/ forforJohn。 I fought against it。 Yes；〃 she cried；
feverishly； clasping and unclasping her hands； 〃Heaven knows I fought it
with all my strength； and reasoned with myself； and oh； I did
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/everything/； but〃 Her quick…falling tears made speech difficult。
〃Kathleen！〃 Broomhurst urged； desperately； 〃you couldn't help it； you
poor child。 You say yourself you struggled against your feelings。 You were
always gentle； perhaps he didn't know。〃
〃But he didhe /did/；〃 she wailed； 〃it is just that。 I hurt him a hundred
times a day； he never said so； but I knew it； and yet I /couldn't/ be kind to
him；except in words；and he understood。 And after you came it was
worse in one way； for he knewI /felt/ he knew that I loved you。 His
eyes used to follow me like a dog's； and I was stabbed with remorse； and I
tried to be good to him； but I couldn't。〃
〃Buthe didn't suspecthe trusted you；〃 began Broomhurst。 〃He had
every reason。 No woman was ever so loyal； so〃
〃Hush！〃 she almost screamed。 〃Loyal！ it was the least I could doto
stop you； I meanwhen youAfter all； I knew it without your telling me。 I
had deliberately married him without loving him。 It was my own fault。 I
felt it。 Even if I couldn't prevent his knowing that I hated him； I could
prevent /that/。 It was my punishment。 I deserved it for /daring/ to marry
without love。 But I didn't spare John one pang after all；〃 she added；
bitterly。 〃He knew what I felt toward him； I don't think he cared about
anything else。 You say I mustn't reproach myself？ When I went back to the
tent that morningwhen youwhen I stopped you from saying you loved
me； he was sitting at the table with his head buried in his hands； he was
cryingbitterly。 I saw him；it is terrible to see a man cry；and I stole
away gently； but he saw me。 I was torn to pieces； but I /couldn't/ go to him。
I knew he would kiss me； and I shuddered to think of it。 It seemed more
than ever not to be borne that he should do thatwhen I knew /you/ loved
me。〃
〃Kathleen；〃 cried her lover； again； 〃don't dwell on it all so terribly
don't〃
〃How can I forget？〃 she answered； despairingly。 〃And then；〃she
lowered her voice；〃oh； I can't tell youall the time； at the back of my
mind somewhere； there was a burning wish that he might /die/。 I used to
lie awake at night； and； do what I would to stifle it； that thought used to
/scorch/ me； I wished it so intensely。 Do you believe that by willing one
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can bring such things to pass？〃 she asked； looking at Broomhurst with
feverishly bright eyes。 〃No？ Well； I don't know。 I tried to smother it；I
/really/ tried；but it was there； whatever other thoughts I heaped on the
top。 Then； when I heard the horse galloping across the plain that morning；
I had a sick fear that it was /you/。 I knew something had happened； and my
first thought when I saw you alive and well； and knew it was /John/； was
/that it was too good to be true/。 I believe I laughed like a maniac； didn't
I？ 。 。 。 Not to blame？ Why； if it hadn't been for me he wouldn't have died。
The men say they saw him sitting with his head uncovered in the burning
sun； his face buried in his handsjust as I had seen him the day before。 He
didn't trouble to be careful； he was too wretched。〃
She paused； and Broomhurst rose and began to pace the little hillside
path at the edge of which they were seated。
Presently he came back to her。
〃Kathleen； let me take care of you；〃 he implored； stooping toward her。
〃We have only ourselves to consider in this matter。 Will you come to me at
once？〃
She shook her head sadly。
Broomhurst set his teeth； and the lines round his mouth deepened。 He
threw himself down beside her on the heather。
〃Dear；〃 he urged； still gently； though his voice showed he was
controlling himself with an effort； 〃you are morbid about this。 You have
been alone too much； you are ill。 Let me take care of you； I /can/；
Kathleen；and I love you。 Nothing but morbid fancy makes you imagine
you are in any way responsible forDrayton's death。 You can't bring him
back to life； and〃
〃No；〃 she sighed； drearily； 〃and if I could； nothing would be altered。
Though I am mad with self…reproach； I feel /that/it was all so inevitable。
If he were alive and well before me this instant； my feeling toward him
wouldn't have changed。 If he spoke to me he would say 'my dear'and I
should /loathe/ him。 Oh； I know！ It is /that/ that makes it so awful。〃
〃But if you acknowledge it；〃 Broomhurst struck in； eagerly； 〃will you
wreck both of our lives for the sake of vain regrets？ Kathleen； you never
will。〃
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He waited breathlessly for her answer。
〃I won't wreck both our lives by marrying again without love on my
side；〃 she replied； firmly。
〃I will take the risk；〃 he said。 〃You /have/ loved me； you will love me
again。 You are crushed and dazed now with brooding over thisthis
trouble； but〃
〃But I will not allow you to take the risk；〃 Kathleen answered。 〃What
sort of woman should I be to be willing again to live with a man I don't
love？ I have come to know that there are things one owes to /one's self/。
Self…respect is one of them。 I don't know how it has come to be so； but all
my old feeling for you has /gone/。 It is as though it had burned itself out。 I
will not offer gray ashes to any man。〃
Broomhurst； looking up at her pale； set face； knew that her words were
final； and turned his own aside with a groan。
〃Ah；〃 cried Kathleen； with a little break in her voice； 〃/don't！/ Go away；
and be happy and strong； and all that I loved in you。 I am so sorryso
sorry to hurt you。 I〃 her voice faltered miserably； 〃II only bring trouble
to people。〃
There was a long pause。
〃Did you never think that there is a terrible vein of irony running
through the ordering of this world？〃 she said； presently。 〃It is a mistake to
think our prayers are not answeredthey are。 In due time we get our
heart's desirewhen we have ceased to care for it。〃
〃I haven't yet got mine；〃 Broomhurst answered； doggedly； 〃and I shall
never cease to care for it。〃
She smiled a little； with infinite sadness。
〃Listen； Kathleen；〃 he said。 They had both risen； and he stood before
her； looking down at her。 〃I will go now； but in a year's time I shall come
back。 I will not give you up。 You shall love me yet。〃
〃PerhapsI don't think so；〃 she answered； wearily。
Broomhurst looked at her trembling lips a moment in silence； then he
