the dwelling place of ligh-第89节

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it。〃

〃Mrs。　Maturin；〃　said　Janet；　〃I'd　like　to　talk　to　you。　　I　think　I　ought　to
tell　you　what　Mr。　Insall　says。〃

〃Yes；　my　dear；〃　her　friend　replied；　a　little　faintly；　sitting　down　on　the
bed。

〃He　asks　me　to　believe　whatI've　done　makes　no　difference　to　him。　　Of
course　he　doesn't　put　it　in　so　many　words；　but　he　says　he　doesn't　care
anything　about　conventions；〃　Janet　continued　slowly。　　〃What　I　told　him
when　he　asked　me　to　marry　him　in　Silliston　was　a　shock　to　him；　it　was　so…
…so　unexpected。　　He　went　away；　to　Maine；　but　as　soon　as　he　began　to　think
it　all　over　he　wanted　to　come　and　tell　me　that　he　loved　me　in　spite　of
it；　but　he　felt　he　couldn't；　under　the　circumstances；　that　he　had　to　wait
untilnow。　　Although　I　didn't　give　him　any　explanation；　he　wants　me　to
know　that　he　trusts　me；　he　understandsit's　because；　he　says；　I　am　what
I　am。　　He　still　wishes　to　marry　me；　to　take　care　of　me　and　the　child。　　We
could　live　in　California；　at　firsthe's　always　been　anxious　to　go　there；
he　says。〃

〃Well；　my　dear？〃　　Augusta　Maturin　forced　herself　to　say　at　last。

〃It's　so　generousso　like　him！〃　　Janet　exclaimed。　　〃But　of　course　I
couldn't　accept　such　a　sacrifice；　even　if〃　She　paused。　　〃Oh；　it's　made
me　so　sad　all　summer　to　think　that　he's　unhappy　because　of　me！〃

〃I　know；　Janet；　but　you　should　realize；　as　I　told　you　in　Silliston；　that
it　isn't　by　any　deliberate　act　of　your　own；　it's　just　one　of　those　things
that　occur　in　this　world　and　that　can't　be　foreseen　or　avoided。〃　　Augusta
Maturin　spoke　with　an　effort。　　In　spite　of　Janet's　apparent　calm；　she　had
never　been　more　acutely　aware　of　the　girl's　inner　suffering。

〃I　know；〃　said　Janet。　　〃But　it's　terrible　to　think　that　those　things　we
unintentionally　do；　perhaps　because　of　faults　we　have　previously
committed；　should　have　the　same　effect　as　acts　that　are　intentional。〃

〃The　world　is　very　stupid。　　All　suffering；　I　think；　is　brought　about　by
stupidity。　　If　we　only　could　learn　to　look　at　ourselves　as　we　are！　　It's
a　stupid；　unenlightened　society　that　metes　out　most　of　our　punishments
and　usually　demands　a　senseless　expiation。〃　　Augusta　Maturin　waited；　and
presently　Janet　spoke　again。

〃I've　been　thinking　all　summer；　Mrs。　Maturin。　　There　was　so　much　I　wanted
to　talk　about　with　you；　but　I　wanted　to　be　sure　of　myself　first。　　And
now；　since　the　baby　came；　and　I　know　I'm　not　going　to　get　well；　I　seem　to
see　things　much　more　clearly。〃

〃Why　do　you　say　you're　not　going　to　get　well；　Janet？　　In　this　air；　and
with　the　child　to　live　for！〃

〃I　know　it。　　Dr。　McLeod　knows　it；　or　he　wouldn't　be　staying　here；　and
you've　both　been　too　kind　to　tell　me。　　You've　been　so　kind；　Mrs。　Maturin
I　can't　talk　about　it。　　But　I'm　sure　I'm　going　to　die；　I've　really　known
it　ever　since　we　left　Silliston。　　Something's　gone　out　of　me；　the　thing
that　drove　me；　that　made　me　want　to　liveI　can't　express　what　I　mean　any
other　way。　　Perhaps　it's　this　child；　the　new　lifeperhaps　I've　just　been
broken；　I　don't　know。　　You　did　your　best　to　mend　me；　and　that's　one　thing
that　makes　me　sad。　　And　the　thought　of　Mr。　Insall's　another。　　In　some
ways　it　would　have　been　worse　to　liveI　couldn't　have　ruined　his　life。
And　even　if　things　had　been　different；　I　hadn't　come　to　love　him；　in　that
wayit's　queer；　because　he's　such　a　wonderful　person。　　I'd　like　to　live
for　the　child；　if　only　I　had　the　strength；　the　will　left　in　mebut
that's　gone。　　And　maybe　I　could　save　her　fromwhat　I've　been　through。〃

Augusta　Maturin　took　Janet's　hand　in　hers。

〃Janet；〃　she　said；　〃I've　been　a　lonely　woman；　as　you　know；　with　nothing
to　look　forward　to。　　I've　always　wanted　a　child　since　my　little　Edith
went。　　I　wanted　you；　my　dear；　I　want　your　child；　your　daughteras　I　want
nothing　else　in　the　world。　　I　will　take　her；　I　will　try　to　bring　her　up
in　the　light；　and　Brooks　Insall　will　help　me。。。。〃






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