the dwelling place of ligh-第84节

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sorry！　　I　didn't　want　to　bring　any　sadness　hereit's　all　so　bright　and
beautiful！　　And　now　I've　made　you　sad！〃

It　was　a　moment　before　Augusta　Maturin　could　answer　her。

〃What　are　friends　for；　Janet；〃　she　asked；　〃if　not　to　share　sorrow　with？
And　do　you　suppose　there's　any　place；　however　bright；　where　sorrow　has
not　come？　　Do　you　think　I've　not　known　it；　too？　　And　Janet；　I　haven't　sat
here　all　these　days　with　you　without　guessing　that　something　worries　you。
I've　been　waiting；　all　this　time；　for　you　to　tell　me；　in　order　that　I
might　help　you。〃

〃I　wanted　to；〃　said　Janet；　〃every　day　I　wanted　to；　but　I　couldn't。　　I
couldn't　bear　to　trouble　you　with　it；　I　didn't　mean　ever　to　tell　you。
And　thenit's　so　terrible；　I　don't　know　what　you'll　think。〃

〃I　think　I　know　you；　Janet；〃　answered　Mrs。　Maturin。　　〃Nothing　human；
nothing　natural　is　terrible；　in　the　sense　you　mean。　　At　least　I'm　one　of
those　who　believe　so。〃

Presently　Janet　said；　〃I'm　going　to　have　a　child。〃

Mrs。　Maturin　sat　very　still。　　Something　closed　in　her　throat；　preventing
her　immediate　reply。

〃I；　too；　had　a　child；　my　dear；〃　she　answered。　　〃I　lost　her。〃　　She　felt
the　girl's　clasp　tighten　on　her　fingers。

〃But　youyou　had　a　right　to　ityou　were　married。〃　　Children　are　sacred
things；〃　said　Augusta　Maturin。

〃Sacred！　　Could　it　be　that　a　woman　like　Mrs。　Maturity　thought　that　this
child　which　was　coming　to　her　was　sacred；　too？

〃However　they　come？〃　asked　Janet。　　〃Oh；　I　tried　to　believe　that；　too！　　At
firstat　first　I　didn't　want　it；　and　when　I　knew　it　was　coming　I　was
driven　almost　crazy。　　And　then；　all　at　once；　when　I　was　walking　in　the
rain；　I　knew　I　wanted　it　to　haveto　keep　all　to　myself。　　You
understand？〃

Augusta　Maturity　inclined　her　head。

〃But　the　father？〃　she　managed　to　ask；　after　a　moment。　　〃I　don't　wish　to
pry；　my　dear；　but　does　hedoes　he　realize？　　Can't　he　help　you？〃

〃It　was　Mr。　Ditmar。〃

〃Perhaps　it　will　help　you　to　tell　me　about　it；　Janet。〃

〃I'dI'd　like　to。　　I've　been　so　unhappy　since　you　told　me　he　was　dead
and　I　felt　like　a　cheat。　　You　see；　he　promised　to　marry　me；　and　I　know
now　that　he　loved　me；　that　he　really　wanted　to　marry　me；　but　something
happened　to　make　me　believe　he　wasn't　going　to；　I　sawanother　girl　who'd
got　into　trouble；　and　then　I　thought　he'd　only　been　playing　with　me；　and
I　couldn't　stand　it。　　I　joined　the　strikersI　just　had　to　do　something。〃

Augusta　Maturity　nodded；　and　waited。

〃I　was　only　a　stenographer；　and　we　were　very　poor；　and　he　was　rich　and
lived　in　a　big　house；　the　most　important　man　in　Hampton。　　It　seemed　too
good　to　be　trueI　suppose　I　never　really　thought　it　could　happen。
Please　don't　think　I'm　putting　all　the　blame　on　him；　Mrs。　Maturityit
was　my　fault　just　as　much　as　his。　　I　ought　to　have　gone　away　from
Hampton；　but　I　didn't　have　the　strength。　　And　I　shouldn't　have〃　Janet
stopped。

〃Butyou　loved　him？〃

〃Yes；　I　did。　　For　a　long　time；　after　I　left　him；　I　thought　I　didn't；　I
thought　I　hated　him；　and　when　I　found　out　what　had　happened　to　methat
night　I　came　to　youI　got　my　father's　pistol　and　went　to　the　mill　to
shoot　him。　　I　was　going　to　shoot　myself；　too。〃

〃Oh！〃　Mrs。　Maturity　gasped。　　She　gave　a　quick　glance　of　sheer　amazement
at　Janet；　who　did　not　seem　to　notice　it；　who　was　speaking　objectively；
apparently　with　no　sense　of　the　drama　in　her　announcement。

〃But　I　couldn't；〃　she　went　on。　　〃At　the　time　I　didn't　know　why　I
couldn't；　but　when　I　went　out　I　understood　it　was　because　I　wanted　the
child；　because　it　was　his　child。　　And　though　he　was　almost　out　of　his
head；　he　seemed　so　glad　because　I'd　come　back　to　him；　and　said　he'd　marry
me　right　away。〃

〃And　you　refused！〃　exclaimed　Mrs。　Maturity。

〃Well；　you　see；　I　was　out　of　my　head；　too；　I　still　thought　I　hated　him
but　I'd　loved　him　all　the　time。　　It　was　funny！　　He　had　lots　of　faults；
and　he　didn't　seem　to　understand　or　care　much　about　how　poor　people　feel；
though　he　was　kind　to　them　in　the　mills。　　He　might　have　come　to
understandI　don't　knowit　wasn't　because　he　didn't　want　to；　but
because　he　was　so　separated　from　them；　I　guess；　and　he　was　so　interested
in　what　he　was　doing。　　He　had　ambition；　he　thought　everything　of　that
mill；　he'd　made　it。　　I　don't　know　why　I　loved　him；　it　wasn't　because　he
was　fine；　like　Mr。　Insall；　but　he　was　strong　and　brave；　and　he　needed　me
and　just　took　me。〃

〃One　never　knows！〃　　Augusta　Maturity　murmured。

〃I　went　back　that　night　to　tell　him　I'd　marry　himand　he'd　gone。　　Then　I
came　to　you；　to　the　soup　kitchen。　　I　didn't　mean　to　bother　you；　I've
never　quite　understood　how　I　got　there。　　I　don't　care　so　much　what
happens　to　me；　now　that　I've　told　you；〃　Janet　added。　　〃It　was　mean；　not
to　tell　you；　but　I'd　never　had　anything　like　thiswhat　you　were　giving
meand　I　wanted　all　I　could　get。〃

〃I'm　thankful　you　did　come　to　us！〃　　Augusta　Maturin　managed　to　reply。

〃You　mean？〃　Janet　exclaimed。

〃I　mean；　that　we　who　have　been　morefortunate　don't　look　at　these　things
quite　as　we　used　to；　that　the　world　is　less　censorious；　is　growing　to
understand　situations　it　formerly　condemned。　　AndI　don't　know　what　kind
of　a　monster　you　supposed　me　to　be；　Janet。〃

〃Oh；　Mrs。　Maturin！〃

〃I　mean　that　I'm　a　woman；　too；　my　dear；　although　my　life　has　been
sheltered。　　Otherwise；　what　has　happened　to　you　might　have　happened　to
me。　　And　besides；　I　am　what　is　called　unconventional；　I　have　little
theories　of　my　own　about　life；　and　now　that　you　have　told　me　everything　I
understand　you　and　love　you　even　more　than　I　did　before。〃

Save　that　her　breath　came　fast；　Janet　lay　still　against　the　cushions　of
the　armchair。　　She　was　striving　to　grasp　the　momentous　and　unlooked…for
fact　of　her　friend's　unchanged　attitude。　　Then　she　asked：

〃Mrs。　Maturin；　do　you　believe　in　God？〃

Augusta　Maturin　was　startled　by　the　question。　　〃I　like　to　think　of　Him　as
light；　Janet；　and　that　we　are　plants　seeking　to　grow　toward　Himno
matter　from　what　dark　crevice　we　may　spring。　　Even　in　our　mistakes　and
sins　we　are　seeking　Him；　for　these　are　ignorances；　and　as　the　world
learns　more；　we　shall　know　Him　better　and　better。　　It　is　natural　to　long
for　happiness；　and　happiness　is　self…realization；　and　self…realization　is
knowledge　and　light。〃

〃That　is　beautiful；〃　said　Janet　at　length。

〃It　is　all　we　can　know　about　God；〃　said　Mrs。　Maturin；　〃but　it　is　enough。〃
She　had　been　thinking　rapidly。　　〃And　now；〃　she　went　on；　〃we　shall　have　to
consider　what　is　to　be　done。　　I　don't　pretend　that　the　future　will　be
easy；　but　it　will　not　be　nearly　as　hard　for　you　as　it　might　have　been；
since　I　am　your　friend；　and　I　do　not　intend　to　desert　you。　　I'm　sure　you
will　not　let　it　crush　you。　　In　the　first　place；　you　will　have　something
to　go　on　withmental　resources；　I　mean；　for　which　you　have　a　natural
craving；　books　and　art　and　nature；　the　best　thoughts　and　the　best
interpretations。　　We　can　give　you　these。　　And　you　will　have　your　child；
and　work　to　do；　for　I'm　sure　you're　industrious。　　And　of　course　I'll　keep
your　secret；　my　dear。〃

〃Buthow？〃　Janet　exclaimed。

〃I've　arranged　it　all。　　You'll　stay　here　this　spring；　you'll　come　to　my
house　on　Monday；　just　as　we　planned；　and　later　on　you　may　go　to　Mrs。
Case's；　if　it　will　make　you　feel　more　independent；　and　do　typewriting
until　the　spring　term　is　over。　　I've　told　you　about　my　little　camp　away
up　in　Canada；　in　the　heart　of　the　wilderness；　where　I　go　in　summer。
We'll　stay　there　until　the　autumn；　until　your　baby　comes；　and；　after
that；　I　know　it　won't　be　difficult　to　get　you　a　position　in　the　west；
where　you　can　gain　your　living　and　have　your　child。　　I　have　a　good　friend
in　California　who　I'm　sure　will　help　you。　　And　even　if　your　secret　should
eventually　be　discoveredwhich　is　not　probableyou　will　have　earned
respect；　and　society　is　not　as　stern　as　it　used　to　be。　　And　you　will
always　have　me　for　a　friend。　　There；　that's　the　bright　side　of　it。　　Of
course　it　isn't　a　bed　of　roses；　but　I've　lived　long　enough　to　observe
that　the　people　who　lie　on　roses　don't　always　have　the　happiest　lives。
Whenever　you　want　help　and　advice；　I　shall　always　be　here；　and　from　time
to　time　I'll　be　seeing　you。　　Isn't　that　sensible？〃

〃Oh；　Mrs。　Maturinif　you　really　want　mestill？〃

〃I　do　want　you；　Janet；　even　more　than　I　didbefore；　because　you　need　me
more；〃　Mrs。　Maturin　replied；　with　a　sincerity　that　could　not　fail　to
bring　conviction。。。。




CHAPTER　XXI

As　the　spring　progressed；　Janet　grew　stronger；　became　well　again；　and
through　the　kindness　of　Dr。　Ledyard；　the　principal；　was　presently
installed　with　a　typewriter　in　a　little　room　in　an　old　building　belonging
to　the　Academy　in　what　was　called　Bramble　Street；　and　not　far　from　the
Common。　　Here；　during　the　day；　she　industriously　copied　manuscripts'　or；
from　her　notebook；　letters　dictated　by　various　members　of　the　faculty。
And　she　was　pleased　when　they　exclaimed　delightedly　at　the　flawless
copies　and　failed　to　suspect　her　of　frequent　pilgrimages　to　the
dictionary　in　the　library　in　order　to　familiarize　herself　with　the
meaning　and　manner　of　spelling　various　academic　words。　　At　first　it　was
almost　bewildering　to　find　herself　in　some　degree　thus　sharing　the
Silliston　community　life；　and　an　unpremeditated　attitude　toward　these
learne