the dwelling place of ligh-第79节

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〃To　kill　me！〃　he　said；　after　a　pause。　　In　spite　of　the　fact　that　he　had
half　divined　her　intention；　the　words　shocked　him。　　Whatever　else　may　be
said　of　him；　he　did　not　lack　courage；　his　alarm　was　not　of　a　physical
nature。　　Mingled　with　it　were　emotions　he　himself　did　not　understand；
caused　by　the　unwonted　sight　of　her　loss　of　self…control；　of　her　anger；
and　despair。　　〃Why　did　you　want　to　kill　me？〃

And　again　he　had　to　wait　for　an　answer。

〃Because　you've　spoiled　my　lifebecause　I'm　going　to　have　a　child！〃

〃What　do　you　mean？　　Are　you？。。。　　it　can't　be　possible。〃

〃It　is　possible；　it's　trueit's　true。　　I've　waited　and　waited；　I've
suffered；　I've　almost　gone　crazyand　now　I　know。　　And　I　said　I'd　kill
you　if　it　were　so；　I'd　kill　myselfonly　I　can't。　　I'm　a　coward。〃　　Her
voice　was　drowned　again　by　weeping。

A　child！　　He　had　never　imagined　such　a　contingency！　　And　as　he　leaned
back　against　the　desk；　his　emotions　became　chaotic。　　The　sight　of　her；
even　as　she　appeared　crazed　by　anger；　had　set　his　passion　aflamefor　the
intensity　and　fierceness　of　her　nature　had　always　made　a　strong　appeal　to
dominant　qualities　in　Ditmar's　nature。　　And　thenthis　announcement！
Momentarily　it　turned　his　heart　to　water。　　Now　that　he　was　confronted　by
an　exigency　that　had　once　vicariously　yet　deeply　disturbed　him　in　a
similar　affair　of　a　friend　of　his；　the　code　and　habit　of　a　lifetime
gained　an　immediate　ascendencysince　then　he　had　insisted　that　this
particular　situation　was　to　be　avoided　above　all　others。　　And　his　mind
leaped　to　possibilities。　　She　had　wished　to　kill　himwould　she　remain
desperate　enough　to　ruin　him？　　Even　though　he　were　not　at　a　crisis　in　his
affairs；　a　scandal　of　this　kind　would　be　fatal。

〃I　didn't　know；〃　he　said　desperately；　〃I　couldn't　guess。　　Do　you　think　I
would　have　had　this　thing　happen　to　you？　　I　was　carried　awaywe　were
both　carried　away　〃

〃You　planned　it！〃　she　replied　vehemently；　without　looking　up。　　〃You
didn't　care　for　me；　you　onlywanted　me。〃

〃That　isn't　soI　swear　that　isn't　so。　　I　loved　you　I　love　you。〃

〃Oh；　do　you　think　I　believe　that？〃　she　exclaimed。

〃I　swear　itI'll　prove　it！〃　he　protested。　　Still　under　the　influence　of
an　acute　anxiety；　he　was　finding　it　difficult　to　gather　his　wits；　to
present　his　case。　　〃When　you　left　me　that　day　the　strike　beganwhen　you
left　me　without　giving　me　a　chanceyou'll　never　know　how　that　hurt　me。〃

〃You'll　never　know　how　it　hurt　me！〃　she　interrupted。

〃Then　why；　in　God's　name；　did　you　do　it？　　I　wasn't　myself；　then；　you
ought　to　have　seen　that。　　And　when　I　heard　from　Caldwell　here　that　you'd
joined　those　anarchists〃

〃They're　no　worse　than　you　arethey　only　want　what　you've　got；〃　she
said。

He　waved　this　aside。　　〃I　couldn't　believe　itI　wouldn't　believe　it　until
somebody　saw　you　walking　with　one　of　them　to　their　Headquarters。　　Why　did
you　do　it？〃

〃Because　I　know　how　they　feel；　I　sympathize　with　the　strikers；　I　want
them　to　winagainst　you！〃　　She　lifted　her　head　and　looked　at　him；　and　in
spite　of　the　state　of　his　feelings　he　felt　a　twinge　of　admiration　at　her
defiance。

〃Because　you　love　me！〃　he　said。

〃Because　I　hate　you；〃　she　answered。

And　yet　a　spark　of　exultation　leaped　within　him　at　the　thought　that　love
had　caused　this　apostasy。　　He　had　had　that　suspicion　before；　though　it
was　a　poor　consolation　when　he　could　not　reach　her。　　Now　she　had　made　it
vivid。　　A　woman's　logic；　or　lack　of　logicher　logic。

〃Listen！〃　he　pleaded。　　〃I　tried　to　forget　youI　tried　to　keep　myself
going　all　the　time　that　I　mightn't　think　of　you；　but　I　couldn't　help
thinking　of　you；　wanting　you；　longing　for　you。　　I　never　knew　why　you　left
me；　except　that　you　seemed　to　believe　I　was　unkind　to　you；　and　that
something　had　happened。　　It　wasn't　my　fault〃　he　pulled　himself　up
abruptly。

〃I　found　out　what　men　were　like；〃　she　said。　　〃A　man　made　my　sister　a
woman　of　the　streetsthat's　what　you've　done　to　me。〃

He　winced。　　And　the　calmness　she　had　regained；　which　was　so
characteristic　of　her；　struck　him　with　a　new　fear。

〃I'm　not　that　kind　of　a　man；〃　he　said。

But　she　did　not　answer。　　His　predicament　became　more　trying。

〃I'll　take　care　of　you；〃　he　assured　her；　after　a　moment。　　〃If　you'll　only
trust　me；　if　you'll　only　come　to　me　I'll　see　that　no　harm　comes　to　you。〃

She　regarded　him　with　a　sort　of　wondera　look　that　put　a　fine　edge　of
dignity　and　scorn　to　her　words　when　they　came。

〃I　told　you　I　didn't　want　to　be　taken　care　ofI　wanted　to　kill　you；　and
kill　myself。　　I　don't　know　why　I　can't　what　prevents　me。〃　　She　rose。
〃But　I'm　not　going　to　trouble　you　any　moreyou'll　never　hear　of　me
again。〃

She　would　not　trouble　him；　she　was　going　away；　he　would　never　hear　of　her
again！　　Suddenly；　with　the　surge　of　relief　he　experienced；　came　a　pang。
He　could　not　let　her　goit　was　impossible。　　It　seemed　that　he　had　never
understood　his　need　of　her；　his　love　for　her；　until　now　that　he　had
brought　her　to　this　supreme　test　of　self…revelation。　　She　had　wanted　to
kill　him；　yes；　to　kill　herselfbut　how　could　he　ever　have　believed　that
she　would　stoop　to　another　method　of　retaliation？　　As　she　stood　before
him　the　light　in　her　eyes　　still　wet　with　tearstransfigured　her。

〃I　love　you；　Janet；〃　he　said。　　〃I　want　you　to　marry　me。〃

〃You　don't　understand；〃　she　answered。　　〃You　never　did。　　If　I　had　married
you；　I'd　feel　just　the　samebut　it　isn't　really　as　bad　as　if　we　had　been
married。〃

〃Not　as　bad！〃　he　exclaimed。

〃If　we　were　married；　you'd　think　you　had　rights　over　me；〃　she　explained；
slowly。　　〃Now　you　haven't　any；　I　can　go　away。　　I　couldn't　live　with　you。
I　know　what　happened　to　me；　I've　thought　it　all　out；　I　wanted　to　get　away
from　the　life　I　was　leadingI　hated　it　so；　I　was　crazy　to　have　a　chance；
to　see　the　world；　to　get　nearer　some　of　the　beautiful　things　I　knew　were
there；　but　couldn't　reach。。。。　　And　you　came　along。　　I　did　love　you；　I
would　have　done　anything　for　youit　was　only　when　I　saw　that　you　didn't
really　love　me　that　I　began　to　hate　you；　that　I　wanted　to　get　away　from
you；　when　I　saw　that　you　only　wanted　me　until　you　should　get　tired　of　me。
That's　your　nature；　you　can't　help　it。　　And　it　would　have　been　the　same
if　we　were　married；　only　worse；　I　couldn't　have　stood　it　any　more　than　I
can　nowI'd　have　left　you。　　You　say　you'll　marry　me　now；　but　that's
because　you're　sorry　for　mesince　I've　said　I'm　not　going　to　trouble　you
any　more。　　You'll　be　glad　I've　gone。　　You　maywant　me　now；　but　that
isn't　love。　　When　you　say　you　love　me；　I　can't　believe　you。〃

〃You　must　believe　me！　　And　the　child；　Janet；our　child〃

〃If　the　world　was　right；〃　she　said；　〃I　could　have　this　child　and　nobody
would　say　anything。　　I　could　support　itI　guess　I　can　anyway。　　And　when
I'm　not　half　crazy　I　want　it。　　Maybe　that's　the　reason　I　couldn't　do　what
I　tried　to　do　just　now。　　It's　natural　for　a　woman　to　want　a　child
especially　a　woman　like　me；　who　hasn't　anybody　or　anything。〃

Ditmar's　state　of　mind　was　too　complicated　to　be　wholly　described。　　As
the　fact　had　been　gradually　brought　home　to　him　that　she　had　not　come　as
a　supplicant；　that　even　in　her　misery　she　was　free；　and　he　helpless；
there　revived　in　him　wild　memories　of　her　body；　of　the　kisses　he　had
wrung　from　herand　yet　this　physical　desire　was　accompanied　by　a
realization　of　her　personality　never　before　achieved。　　And　because　he　had
hitherto　failed　to　achieve　it；　she　had　escaped　him。　　This　belated；
surpassing　glimpse　of　what　she　essentially　was；　and　the　thought　of　the
child　their　childpermeating　his　passion；　transformed　it　into　a　feeling
hitherto　unexperienced　and　unimagined。　　He　hovered　over　her；　pitifully；
his　hands　feeling　for　her；　yet　not　daring　to　touch　her。

〃Can't　you　see　that　I　love　you？〃　he　cried；　〃that　I'm　ready　to　marry　you
now；　to…night。　　You　must　love　me；　I　won't　believe　that　you　don't　after
after　all　we　have　been　to　each　other。〃

But　even　then　she　could　not　believe。　　Something　in　her；　made　hard　by　the
intensity　of　her　suffering；　refused　to　melt。　　And　her　head　was　throbbing；
and　she　scarcely　heard　him。

〃I　can't　stay　any　longer；〃　she　said；　getting　to　her　feet。　　〃I　can't　bear
it。〃

〃Janet；　I　swear　I'll　care　for　you　as　no　woman　was　ever　cared　for。　　For
God's　sake　listen　to　me；　give　me　a　chance；　forgive　me！〃　　He　seized　her
arm；　she　struggled；　gently　but　persistently；　to　free　herself　from　his
hold。

〃Let　me　go；　please。〃　　All　the　passionate　anger　had　gone　out　of　her；　and
she　spoke　in　a　monotone；　as　one　under　hypnosis；　dominated　by　a　resolution
which；　for　the　present　at　least；　he　was　powerless　to　shake。

〃But　to…morrow？〃　he　pleaded。　　〃You'll　let　me　see　you　to…morrow；　when
you've　had　time　to　think　it　over；　when　you　realize　that　I　love　you　and
want　you；　that　I　haven't　meant　to　be　cruelthat　you've　misjudged　me
thought　I　was　a　different　kind　of　a　man。　　I　don't　blame　you　for　that；　I
guess　something　happened　to　make　you　believe　it。　　I've　got　enemies。　　For
the　sake　of　the　child；　Janet；　if　for　nothing　else；　you'll　come　back　to
me！　　You'reyou're　tired　tonight；　you're　not　yourself。　　I　don't　wonder；
after　all　you've　been　through。　　If　you'd　only　come　to　me　before！　　God
knows　what　I've　suffered；　too！〃

〃Let　me　go；　please；〃　she　repeated；　and　this　time；　despairingly；　he　ob