the dwelling place of ligh-第44节

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built　for　the　convenience　of　passengers。

〃You　forgive　meyou　understand；　Janet？〃　he　asked。

〃Sometimes　I　don't　know　what　to　think；〃　she　said；　and　suddenly　clung　to
him。　　〃II　forgive　you。　　I　oughtn't　to　suspect　such　things；　but　I'm　like
that。　　I'm　horrid　and　I　can't　help　it。〃　　She　began　to　unbutton　the　coat
he　had　bought　for　her。

〃Aren't　you　going　to　take　it？〃　he　said。　　〃It's　yours。〃

〃And　what　do　you　suppose　my　family　would　say　if　I　told　them　Mr。　Ditmar
had　given　it　to　me？〃

〃Come　on；　I'll　drive　you　home；　I'll　tell　them　I　gave　it　to　you；　that
we're　going　to　be　married；〃　he　announced　recklessly。

〃Oh；　no！〃　she　exclaimed　in　consternation。　　〃You　couldn't。　　You　said　so
yourselfthat　you　didn't　want；　any　one　to　know；　now。　　I'll　get　on　the
trolley。〃

〃And　the　roses？〃　he　asked。

She　pressed　them　to　her　face；　and　chose　one。　　〃I'll　take　this；〃　she　said；
laying　the　rest　on　the　seat。。。。

He　waited　until　he　saw　her　safely　on　the　trolley　car；　and　then　drove
slowly　homeward　in　a　state　of　amazement。　　He　had　been　on　the　verge　of
announcing　himself　to　the　family　in　Fillmore　Street　as　her　prospective
husband！　　He　tried　to　imagine　what　that　household　was　like；　and　again　he
found　himself　wondering　why　she　had　not　consented　to　his　proposal。　　And
the　ever…recurring　question　presented　itselfwas　he　prepared　to　go　that
length？　　He　didn't　know。　　She　was　beyond　him；　he　had　no　clew　to　her；　she
was　to　him　as　mysterious　as　a　symphony。　　Certain　strains　of　her　moved　him
intenselythe　rest　was　beyond　his　grasp。。。。　　At　supper；　while　his
children　talked　and　laughed　boisterously；　he　sat　silent；　restless；　and　in
spite　of　their　presence　the　house　seemed　appallingly　empty。

When　Janet　returned　home　she　ran　to　her　bedroom；　and　taking　from　the
wardrobe　the　tissue　paper　that　had　come　with　her　new　dress；　and　which　she
had　carefully　folded；　she　wrapped　the　rose　in　it；　and　put　it　away　in　the
back　of　a　drawer。　　Thus　smothered；　its　fragrance　stifled；　it　seemed
emblematic；　somehow；　of　the　clandestine　nature　of　her　love。。。。

The　weeks　that　immediately　followed　were　strange　ones。　　All　the　elements
of　life　that　previously　had　been　realities；　trivial　yet　fundamental；　her
work；　her　home；　her　intercourse　with　the　family；　became　fantastic。　　There
was　the　mill　to　which　she　went　every　day：　she　recognized　it；　yet　it　was
not　the　same　mill；　nor　was　Fillmore　Street　the　Fillmore　Street　of　old。
Nor　did　the　new　and　feverish　existence　over　whose　borderland　she　had　been
transported　seem　real；　save　in　certain　hours　she　spent　in　Ditmar's
company；　when　he　made　her　forgethers　being　a　temperament　to　feel　the
weight　of　an　unnatural　secrecy。　　She　was　aware；　for　instance；　that　her
mother　and　even　her　father　thought　her　conduct　odd；　were　anxious　as　to
her　absences　on　certain　nights　and　on　Sundays。　　She　offered　no
explanation。　　It　was　impossible。　　She　understood　that　the　reason　why　they
refrained　from　questioning　her　was　due　to　a　faith　in　her　integrity　as
well　as　to　a　respect　for　her　as　a　breadwinner　who　lead　earned　a　right　to
independence。　　And　while　her　suspicion　of　Hannah's　anxiety　troubled　her；
on　the　occasions　when　she　thought　of　it；　Lise's　attitude　disturbed　her
even　more。　　From　Lise　she　had　been　prepared　for　suspicion；　arraignment；
ridicule。　　What　a　vindication　if　it　were　disclosed　that　she；　Janet；　had　a
loverand　that　lover　Ditmar！　　But　Lise　said　nothing。　　She　was　remote；
self…absorbed。　　Hannah　spoke　about　it　on　the　evenings　Janet　stayed　at
home。

She　would　not　consent　to　meet　Ditmar　every　evening。　　Yet；　as　the　days
succeeded　one　another；　Janet　was　often　astonished　by　the　fact　that　their
love　remained　apparently　unsuspected　by　Mr。　Price　and　Caldwell　and　others
in　the　office。　　They　must　have　noticed；　on　some　occasions；　the　manner　in
which　Ditmar　looked　at　her；　and　in　business　hours　she　had　continually　to
caution　him；　to　keep　him　in　check。　　Again；　on　the　evening　excursions　to
which　she　consented；　though　they　were　careful　to　meet　in　unfrequented
spots；　someone　might　easily　have　recognized　him；　and　she　did　not　like　to
ponder　over　the　number　of　young　women　in　the　other　offices　who　knew　her
by　sight。　　These　reflections　weighed　upon　her；　particularly　when　she
seemed　conscious　of　curious　glances。　　But　what　caused　her　the　most
concern　was　the　constantly　recurring　pressure　to　which　Ditmar　himself
subjected　her；　and　which；　as　time　went　on；　she　found　increasingly
difficult　to　resist。　　He　tried　to　take　her　by　storm；　and　when　this　method
failed；　resorted　to　pleadings　and　supplications　even　harder　to　deny
because　of　the　innate　feminine　pity　she　felt　for　him。　　To　recount　these
affairs　would　be　a　mere　repetition　of　identical　occurrences。　　On　their
second　Sunday　excursion　he　had　actually　driven　her；　despite　her
opposition；　several　miles　on　the　Boston　road；　and　her　resistance　only
served　to　inflame　him　the　more。　　It　seemed；　afterwards；　as　she　sat
unnerved；　a　miracle　that　she　had　stopped　him。　　Then　came　reproaches：　she
would　not　trust　him；　they　could　not　be　married　at　once；　she　must
understand　that！an　argument　so　repugnant　as　to　cause　her　to　shake　with
sobs　of　inarticulate　anger。　　After　this　he　would　grow　bewildered；　then
repentant；　then　contrite。　　In　contritionhad　he　known　ithe　was　nearest
to　victory。

As　has　been　said；　she　did　not　intellectualize　her　reasons；　but　the　core
of　her　resistance　was　the　very　essence　of　an　individuality　having　its
roots　in　a　self…respecting　and　self…controlling　inheritancean　element
wanting　in　her　sister　Lise。　　It　must　have　been　largely　the　thought　of
Lise；　the　spectacle　of　Liseoften　perhaps　unconsciously　present　that
dominated　her　conduct；　yet　reinforcing　such　an　ancestral　sentiment　was
another；　environmental　and　more　complicated；　the　result　in　our　modern
atmosphere　of　an　undefined　feminism　apt　to　reveal　itself　in　many
undesirable　ways；　but　which　in　reality　is　a　logical　projection　of　the
American　tradition　of　liberty。　　To　submit　was　not　only　to　lose　her
liberty；　to　become　a　dependent；　but　also　and　inevitably；　she　thought；　to
lose　Ditmar's　love。。。。

No　experience；　however；　is　emotionally　continuous；　nor　was　their　intimacy
by　any　means　wholly　on　this　plane　of　conflict。　　There　were　hours　when；
Ditmar's　passion　leaving　spent　itself；　they　achieved　comradeship；　in　the
office　and　out　of　it；　revelations　for　Janet　when　he　talked　of　himself；
relating　the　little　incidents　she　found　most　illuminating。　　And　thus　by
degrees　she　was　able　to　build　up　a　new　and　truer　estimate　of　him。　　For
example；　she　began　to　perceive　that　his　life　outside　of　his　interest　in
the　mills；　instead　of　being　the　romance　of　privileged　joys　she　had　once
imagined；　had　been　almost　as　empty　as　her　own；　without　either　unity　or
direction。　　Her　perception　was　none　the　less　keen　because　definite　terms
were　wanting　for　its　expression。　　The　idea　of　him　that　first　had
captivated　her　was　that　of　an　energized　and　focussed　character
controlling　with　a　sure　hand　the　fortunes　of　a　great　organization；　of　a
power　in　the　city　and　state；　of　a　being　who；　in　his　leisure　moments；
dwelt　in　a　delectable　realm　from　which　she　was　excluded。　　She　was　still
acutely　conscious　of　his　force；　but　what　she　now　felt　was　its　lack　of
directionsave　for　the　portion　that　drove　the　Chippering　Mills。　　The
rest　of　it；　like　the　river；　flowed　away　on　the　line　of　least　resistance
to　the　sea。

As　was　quite　natural；　this　gradual　discovery　of　what　he　wasor　of　what
he　wasn'tthis　truer　estimate；　this　partial　disillusionment；　merely
served　to　deepen　and　intensify　the　feeling　he　had　aroused　in　her；　to
heighten；　likewise；　the　sense　of　her　own　value　by　confirming　a　belief　in
her　possession　of　certain　qualities；　of　a　kind　of　fibre　he　needed　in　a
helpmate。　　She　dwelt　with　a　woman's　fascination　upon　the　prospect　of
exercising　a　creative　influenceeven　while　she　acknowledged　the　fearful
possibility　of　his　power　in　unguarded　moments　to　overwhelm　and　destroy
her。　　Here　was　another　incentive　to　resist　the　gusts　of　his　passion。　　She
could　guide　and　develop　him　by　helping　and　improving　herself。　　Hope　and
ambition　throbbed　within　her；　she　felt　a　contempt　for　his　wife；　for　the
women　who　had　been　her　predecessors。　　He　had　not　spoken　of　these；　save
once　or　twice　by　implication；　but　with　what　may　seem　a　surprising
leniency　she　regarded　them　as　consequences　of　a　life　lacking　in　content。
If　only　she　could　keep　her　head；　she　might　supply　that　content；　and　bring
him　happiness！　　The　thought　of　his　children　troubled　her　most；　but　she
was　quick　to　perceive　that　he　got　nothing　from　them；　and　even　though　it
were　partly　his　own　fault；　she　was　inclined　to　lay　the　heavier　blame　on
the　woman　who　had　been　their　mother。　　The　triviality；　the　emptiness　of
his　existence　outside　of　the　walls　of　the　mill　made　her　heart　beat　with
pure　pity。　　For　she　could　understand　it。

One　of　the　many；　and　often　humorous；　incidents　that　served　to　bring　about
this　realization　of　a　former　aimlessness　happened　on　their　second　Sunday
excursion。　　This　time　he　had　not　chosen　the　Kingsbury　Tavern；　but　another
automobilists'　haunt；　an　enlightening　indication　of　established　habits
involving　a　wide　choice　of　resorts。　　While　he　was　paying　for　luncheon　and
chatting　with　the　proprietor；　Ditmar　snatched　f