the dwelling place of ligh-第37节

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〃I　didn't　mean　that；〃　he　explained　desperately。　　〃My　Godto　feel　you；　to
have　you　in　my　arms！　　I　was　sorry　because　I　frightened　you。　　But　when
you　came　near　me　that　way　I　just　couldn't　help　it。　　You　drove　me　to　it。〃

〃Drove　you　to　it！〃

〃You　don't　understand；　you　don't　know　howhow　wonderful　you　are。　　You
make　me　crazy。　　I　love　you；　I　want　you　as　I've　never　wanted　any　woman
beforein　a　different　way。　　I　can't　explain　it。　　I've　got　so　that　I
can't　live　without　you。〃　　He　flung　his　arm　toward　the　lights　of　the
mills。　　〃Thatthat　used　to　be　everything　to　me；　I　lived　for　it。　　I　don't
say　I've　been　a　saintbut　I　never　really　cared　anything　about　any　woman
until　I　knew　you；　until　that　day　I　went　through　the　office　and　saw　you
what　you　were。　　You　don't　understand；　I　tell　you。　　I'm　sorry　for　what　I
did　to…day　because　it　offended　youbut　you　drove　me　to　it。　　Most　of　the
time　you　seem　cold；　you're　like　an　iceberg；　you　make　me　think　you　hate
me；　and　then　all　of　a　sudden　you'll　be　kind；　as　you　were　the　other　night；
as　you　seemed　this　afternoonyou　make　me　think　I've　got　a　chance；　and
then；　when　you　came　near　me；　when　you　touched　my　handwhy；　I　didn't　know
what　I　was　doing。　　I　just　had　to　have　you。　　A　man　like　me　can't　stand
it。〃

〃Then　I'd　better　go　away；〃　she　said。　　〃I　ought　to　have　gone　long　ago。〃

〃Why？〃　he　cried。　　〃Why？　　What's　your　reason？　　Why　do　you　want　to　ruin　my
life？　　You'veyou've　woven　yourself　into　ityou're　a　part　of　it。　　I
never　knew　what　it　was　to　care　for　a　woman　before；　I　tell　you。　　There's
that　mill；〃　he　repeated；　naively。　　〃I've　made　it　the　best　mill　in　the
country；　I've　got　the　biggest　order　that　ever　came　to　any　millif　you
went　away　I　wouldn't　care　a　continental　about　it。　　If　you　went　away　I
wouldn't　have　any　ambition　left。　　Because　you're　a　part　of　it；　don't　you
see？　　Youyou　sort　of　stand　for　it　now；　in　my　mind。　　I'm　not　literary；　I
can't　express　what　I'd　like　to　say；　but　sometimes　I　used　to　think　of　that
mill　as　a　womanand　now　you've　come　along〃　Ditmar　stopped；　for　lack　of
adequate　eloquence。

She　smiled　in　the　darkness　at　his　boyish　fervour；one　of　the　aspects　of
the　successful　Ditmar；　the　Ditmar　of　great　affairs；　that　appealed　to　her
most　strongly。　　She　was　softened；　touched；　she　felt；　too；　a　responsive
thrill　to　such　a　desire　as　his。　　Yet　she　did　not　reply。　　She　could　not。
She　was　learning　that　emotion　is　never　simple。　　And　some　inhibition；　the
identity　of　which　was　temporarily　obscured　still　persisted；　pervading　her
consciousness。。。。

They　were　crossing　the　bridge　at　Stanley　Street；　now　deserted；　and　by
common　consent　they　paused　in　the　middle　of　it；　leaning　on　the　rail。　　The
hideous　chocolate　factory　on　the　point　was　concealed　by　the　night；only
the　lights　were　there；　trembling　on　the　surface　of　the　river。　　Against
the　flushed　sky　above　the　city　were　silhouetted　the　high　chimneys　of　the
power　plant。　　Ditmar's　shoulder　touched　hers。　　He　was　still　pleading；　but
she　seemed　rather　to　be　listening　to　the　symphony　of　the　unseen　waters
falling　over　the　dam。　　His　words　were　like　that；　suggestive　of　a　torrent
into　which　she　longed　to　fling　herself；　yet　refrained；　without　knowing
why。　　Her　hands　tightened　on　the　rail；　suddenly　she　let　it　go；　and　led
the　way　toward　the　unfrequented　district　of　the　south　side。　　It　was　the
road　to　Silliston；　but　she　had　forgotten　that。　　Ditmar；　regaining　her
side；　continued　his　pleading。　　He　spoke　of　his　loneliness；　which　he　had
never　realized。　　He　needed　her。　　And　she　experienced　an　answering　pang。
It　still　seemed　incredible　that　he；　too；　who　had　so　much；　should　feel
that　gnawing　need　for　human　sympathy　and　understanding　that　had　so　often
made　her　unhappy。　　And　because　of　the　response　his　need　aroused　in　her
she　did　not　reflect　whether　he　could　fulfil　her　own　need；　whether　he
could　ever　understand　her；　whether；　at　any　time；　she　could　unreservedly
pour　herself　out　to　him。

〃I　don't　see　why　you　want　me；〃　she　interrupted　him　at　last。　　〃I've　never
had　any　advantages；　I　don't　know　anything。　　I've　never　had　a　chance　to
learn。　　I've　told　you　that　before。〃

〃What　difference　does　that　make？　　You've　got　more　sense　than　any　woman　I
ever　saw；〃　he　declared。

〃It　makes　a　great　deal　of　difference　to　me；〃　she　insistedand　the　sound
of　these　words　on　her　own　lips　was　like　a　summons　arousing　her　from　a
dream。　　The　sordidness　of　her　life；　its　cruel　lack　of　opportunity　in
contrast　with　the　gifts　she　felt　to　be　hers；　and　on　which　he　had　dwelt；
was　swept　back　into　her　mind。　　Self…pity；　dignity；　and　inherent　self…
respect　struggled　against　her　woman's　desire　to　give；　an　inherited　racial
pride　whispered　that　she　was　worthy　of　the　best；　but　because　she　had
lacked　the　chance；　he　refrained　from　offering　her　what　he　would　have　laid
at　the　feet　of　another　woman。

〃I'll　give　you　advantagesthere's　nothing　I　wouldn't　give　you。　　Why
won't　you　come　to　me？　　I'll　take　care　of　you。〃

〃Do　you　think　I　want　to　be　taken　care　of？〃　　She　wheeled　on　him　so　swiftly
that　he　started　back。　　〃Is　that　what　you　think　I　want？〃

〃No；　no；〃　he　protested；　when　he　recovered　his　speech。

〃Do　you　think　I'm　afterwhat　you　can　give　me？〃　she　shot　at　him。　　〃　What
you　can　buy　for　me？〃

To　tell　the　truth；　he　had　not　thought　anything　about　it；　that　was　the
trouble。　　And　her　question；　instead　of　enlightening　him；　only　added　to
his　confusion　and　bewilderment。

〃I'm　always　getting　in　wrong　with　you；〃　he　told　her；　pathetically。
〃There　isn't　anything　I'd　stop　at　to　make　you　happy；　Janet；　that's　what
I'm　trying　to　say。　　I'd　go　the　limit。〃

〃Your　limit！〃　she　exclaimed。

〃What　do　you　mean？〃　he　demanded。　　But　she　had　become　inarticulate
cryptic；　to　him。　　He　could　get　nothing　more　out　of　her。

〃You　don't　understand　meyou　never　will！〃　she　cried；　and　burst　into
tearstears　of　rage　she　tried　in　vain　to　control。　　The　world　was　black
with　his　ignorance。　　She　hated　herself；　she　hated　him。　　Her　sobs　shook
her　convulsively；　and　she　scarcely　heard　him　as　he　walked　beside　her
along　the　empty　road；　pleading　and　clumsily　seeking　to　comfort　her。　　Once
or　twice　she　felt　his　hand　on　her　shoulders。。。。　　And　then；　unlooked　for
and　unbidden；　pity　began　to　invade　her。　　Absurd　to　pity　him！　　She　fought
against　it；　but　the　thought　of　Ditmar　reduced　to　abjectness　gained
ground。　　After　all；　he　had　tried　to　be　generous；　he　had　done　his　best；　he
loved　her；　he　needed　herthe　words　rang　in　her　heart。　　After　all；　he　did
not　realize　how　could　she　expect　him　to　realize？　and　her　imagination
conjured　up　the　situation　in　a　new　perspective。　　Her　sobs　gradually
ceased；　and　presently　she　stopped　in　the　middle　of　the　road　and　regarded
him。　　He　seemed　utterly　miserable；　like　a　hurt　child　whom　she　longed　to
comfort。　　But　what　she　said　was：

〃I　ought　to　be　going　home。〃

〃Not　yet！〃　he　begged。　　〃It's　early。　　You　say　I　don't　understand　you；
Janetmy　God；　I　wish　I　did！　　It　breaks　me　all　up　to　see　you　cry　like
that。〃

〃I'm　sorry；〃　she　said；　after　a　moment。　　〃II　can'tmmake　you　understand。
I　guess　I'm　not　like　anybody　else　I'm　queerI　can't　help　it。　　You　must
let　me　go；　I　only　make　you　unhappy。〃

〃Let　you　go！〃　he　criedand　then　in　utter　self…forgetfulness　she　yielded
her　lips　to　his。　　A　sound　penetrated　the　night；　she　drew　back　from　his
arms　and　stood　silhouetted　against　the　glare　of　the　approaching　headlight
of　a　trolley　car；　and　as　it　came　roaring　down　on　them　she　hailed　it。
Ditmar　seized　her　arm。

〃You're　not　goingnow？〃　he　said　hoarsely。

〃I　must；〃　she　whispered。　　〃I　want　to　be　aloneI　want　to　think。　　You　must
let　me。〃

〃I'll　see　you　to…morrow？〃

〃I　don't　knowI　want　to　think。　　I'mI'm　tired。〃

The　brakes　screamed　as　the　car　came　joltingly　to　a　stop。　　She　flew　up　the
steps；　glancing　around　to　see　whether　Ditmar　had　followed　her；　and　saw
him　still　standing　in　the　road。　　The　car　was　empty　of　passengers；　but　the
conductor　must　have　seen　her　leaving　a　man　in　this　lonely　spot。　　She
glanced　at　his　face；　white　and　pinched　and　apathetiche　must　have　seen
hundreds　of　similar　episodes　in　the　course　of　his　nightly　duties。　　He　was
unmoved　as　he　took　her　fare。　　Nevertheless；　at　the　thought　that　these
other　episodes　might　resemble　hers；　her　face　flamedshe　grew　hot　all
over。　　What　should　she　do　now？　　She　could　not　think。　　Confused　with　her
shame　was　the　memory　of　a　delirious　joy；　yet　no　sooner　would　she　give
herself　up；　trembling；　to　this　memory　when　in　turn　it　was　penetrated　by
qualms　of　resentment；　defiling　its　purity。　　Was　Ditmar　ashamed　of　her？。。。
When　she　reached　home　and　had　got　into　bed　she　wept　a　little；　but　her
tears　were　neither　of　joy　nor　sorrow。　　Her　capacity　for　both　was
exhausted。　　In　this　strange　mood　she　fell　asleep　nor　did　she　waken　when；
at　midnight；　Lise　stealthily　crept　in　beside　her。




CHAPTER　X

Ditmar　stood　staring　after　the　trolley　car　that　bore　Janet　away　until　it
became　a　tiny　speck　of　light　in　the　distance。　　Then　he　started　to　walk
toward　Hampton；　in　the　unwonted　exercise　was　an　outlet　for　the　pent…up
energy　her　departure　had　thwarted；　and　presently　his　body　was　warm　with　a
physical　heat　that　found　its　counterpart　in　a　delicious；　emotional　glow
of　anticipation；　of　exultant　satisfaction。　　After　all；　he　could　not
expect　to　travel　too　fast　with　her。　　Had　he　n