the dwelling place of ligh-第36节

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commercial　intercourse。　　Presently　he　stopped　and　began　fumbling　in　one
of　the　drawers　of　his　desk。

〃Where　is　the　memorandum　I　made　last　week　for　Percy　and　Company？〃

〃Isn't　it　there？〃　she　asked。

But　he　continued　to　fumble；　running　through　the　papers　and　disarranging
them　until　she　could　stand　it　no　longer。

〃You　never　know　where　to　find　anything；〃　she　declared；　rising　and　darting
around　the　desk　and　bending　over　the　drawer；　her　deft　fingers　rapidly
separating　the　papers。　　She　drew　forth　the　memorandum　triumphantly。

〃There！〃　she　exclaimed。　　〃It　was　right　before　your　eyes。〃

As　she　thrust　it　at　him　his　hand　closed　over　hers。　　She　felt　him　drawing
her；　irresistibly。

〃Janet！〃　he　said。　　〃For　God's　sakeyou're　killing　medon't　you　know　it？
I　can't　stand　it　any　longer！〃

〃Don't！〃　she　whispered；　terror…stricken；　straining　away　from　him。　　〃Mr。
Ditmarlet　me　go！〃

A　silent　struggle　ensued；　she　resisting　him　with　all　the　aroused　strength
and　fierceness　of　her　nature。　　He　kissed　her　hair；　her　neck；she　had
never　imagined　such　a　force　as　this；　she　felt　herself　weakening；
welcoming　the　annihilation　of　his　embrace。

〃Mr。　Ditmar！〃　she　cried。　　〃Somebody　will　come　in。〃

Her　fingers　sank　into　his　neck；　she　tried　to　hurt　him　and　by　a　final
effort　flung　herself　free　and　fled　to　the　other　side　of　the　room。

〃You　littlewildcat！〃　she　heard　him　exclaim；　saw　him　put　his
handkerchief　to　his　neck　where　her　fingers　had　been；　saw　a　red　stain　on
it。　　〃I'll　have　you　yet！〃

But　even　then；　as　she　stood　leaning　against　the　wall；　motionless　save　for
the　surging　of　her　breast；　there　was　about　her　the　same　strange；　feral
inscrutableness。　　He　was　baffled；　he　could　not　tell　what　she　was
thinking。　　She　seemed；　unconquered；　to　triumph　over　her　disarray　and　the
agitation　of　her　body。　　Then；　with　an　involuntary　gesture　she　raised　her
hands　to　her　hair；　smoothing　it；　and　without　seeming　haste　left　the　room；
not　so　much　as　glancing　at　him；　closing　the　door　behind　her。

She　reached　her　table　in　the　outer　office　and　sat　down；　gazing　out　of　the
window。　　The　face　of　the　worldthe　river；　the　mills；　and　the　bridgewas
changed；　tinged　with　a　new　and　unreal　quality。　　She；　too；　must　be
changed。　　She　wasn't；　couldn't　be　the　same　person　who　had　entered　that
room　of　Ditmar's　earlier　in　the　afternoon！　　Mr。　Caldwell　made　a
commonplace　remark；　she　heard　herself　answer　him。　　Her　mind　was　numb；
only　her　body　seemed　swept　by　fire；　by　emotionsemotions　of　fear；　of
anger；　of　desire　so　intense　as　to　make　her　helpless。　　And　when　at　length
she　reached　out　for　a　sheet　of　carbon　paper　her　hand　trembled　so　she
could　scarcely　hold　it。　　Only　by　degrees　was　she　able　to　get　sufficient
control　of　herself　to　begin　her　copying；　when　she　found　a　certain　relief
in　actionher　hands　flying　over　the　keys；　tearing　off　the　finished
sheets；　and　replacing　them　with　others。　　She　did　not　want　to　think；　to
decide；　and　yet　she　knewsomething　was　trying　to　tell　her　that　the
moment　for　decision　had　come。　　She　must　leave；　now。　　If　she　stayed　on；
this　tremendous　adventure　she　longed　for　and　dreaded　was　inevitable。
Fear　and　fascination　battled　within　her。　　To　run　away　was　to　deny　life；
to　remain；　to　taste　and　savour　it。　　She　had　tasted　itwas　it　sweet？
that　sense　of　being　swept　away；　engulfed　by　an　elemental　power　beyond
them　both；　yet　in　them　both？　　She　felt　him　drawing　her　to　him；　and　she
struggling　yet　inwardly　longing　to　yield。　　And　the　scarlet　stain　on　his
handkerchiefwhen　she　thought　of　that　her　blood　throbbed；　her　face
burned。

At　last　the　door　of　the　inner　office　opened；　and　Ditmar　came　out　and
stood　by　the　rail。　　His　voice　was　queer；　scarcely　recognizable。

〃Miss　Bumpuswould　you　mind　coming　into　my　room　a　moment；　before　you
leave？〃　he　said。

She　rose　instantly　and　followed　him；　closing　the　door　behind　her；　but
standing　at　bay　against　it；　her　hand　on　the　knob。

〃I'm　not　going　to　touch　youyou　needn't　be　afraid；〃　he　said。　　Reassured
by　the　unsteadiness　of　his　voice　she　raised　her　eyes　to　perceive　that　his
face　was　ashy；　his　manner　nervous；　apprehensive；　conciliatory；a　Ditmar
she　had　difficulty　in　recognizing。　　〃I　didn't　mean　to　frighten；　to　offend
you；〃　he　went　on。　　〃Something　got　hold　of　me。　　I　was　crazy；　I　couldn't
help　itI　won't　do　it　again；　if　you'll　stay。　　I　give　you　my　word。〃

She　did　not　reply。　　After　a　pause　he　began　again；　repeating　himself。

〃I　didn't　mean　to　do　it。　　I　was　carried　awayit　all　happened　before　I
knew。　　II　wouldn't　frighten　you　that　way　for　anything　in　the　world。〃

Still　she　was　silent。

〃For　God's　sake；　speak　to　me！〃　he　cried。　　〃Say　you　forgive　megive　me
another　chance！〃

But　she　continued　to　gaze　at　him　with　widened；　enigmatic　eyeswhether　of
reproach　or　contempt　or　anger　he　could　not　say。　　The　situation
transcended　his　experience。　　He　took　an　uncertain　step　toward　her；　as
though　half　expecting　her　to　flee；　and　stopped。

〃Listen！〃　he　pleaded。　　〃I　can't　talk　to　you　here。　　Won't　you　give　me　a
chance　to　explainto　put　myself　right？　　You　know　what　I　think　of　you；
how　I　respect　andadmire　you。　　If　you'll　only　let　me　see　you　somewhere
anywhere；　outside　of　the　office；　for　a　little　while；　I　can't　tell　you　how
much　I'd　appreciate　it。　　I'm　sure　you　don't　understand　how　I　feelI
couldn't　bear　to　lose　you。　　I'll　be　down　by　the　canalnear　the　bridge
at　eight　o'clock　to…night。　　I'll　wait　for　you。　　You'll　come？　　Say　you'll
come；　and　give　me　another　chance！〃

〃Aren't　you　going　to　finish　your　letters？〃　she　asked。

He　stared　at　her　in　sheer　perplexity。　　〃Letters！〃　he　exclaimed。　　〃Damn
the　letters！　　Do　you　think　I　could　write　any　letters　now？〃

As　a　faint　ray　in　dark　waters；　a　gleam　seemed　to　dance　in　the　shadows　of
her　eyes；　yet　was　gone　so　swiftly　that　he　could　not　be　sure　of　having
seen　it。　　Had　she　smiled？

〃I'll　be　there；〃　he　cried。　　〃I'll　wait　for　you　〃

She　turned　from　him；　opened　the　door；　and　went　out。

That　evening；　as　Janet　was　wiping　the　dishes　handed　her　by　her　mother；
she　was　repeating　to　herself　〃Shall　I　goor　shan't　I？〃just　as　if　the
matter　were　in　doubt。　　But　in　her　heart　she　was　convinced　of　its
predetermination　by　some　power　other　than　her　own　volition。　　With　this
feeling；　that　she　really　had　no　choice；　that　she　was　being　guided　and
impelled；　she　went　to　her　bedroom　after　finishing　her　task。　　The　hands　of
the　old　dining…room　clock　pointed　to　quarter　of　eight；　and　Lise　had
already　made　her　toilet　and　departed。　　Janet　opened　the　wardrobe；　looked
at　the　new　blue　suit　hanging　so　neatly　on　its　wire　holder；　hesitated；　and
closed　the　door　again。　　Here；　at　any　rate；　seemed　a　choice。　　She　would
not　wear　that；　to…night。　　She　tidied　her　hair；　put　on　her　hat　and　coat；
and　went　out；　but　once　in　the　street　she　did　not　hurry；　though　she　knew
the　calmness　she　apparently　experienced　to　be　false：　the　calmness　of
fatality；　because　she　was　obeying　a　complicated　impulse　stronger　than
herselfan　impulse　that　at　times　seemed　mere　curiosity。　　Somewhere；
removed　from　her　immediate　consciousness；　a　storm　was　raging；　she　was
aware　of　a　disturbance　that　reached　her　faintly；　like　the　distant
throbbing　of　the　looms　she　heard　when　she　turned　from　Faber　into　West
Street　She　had　not　been　able　to　eat　any　supper。　　That　throbbing　of　the
looms　in　the　night！　　As　it　grew　louder　and　louder　the　tension　within　her
increased；　broke　its　bounds；　set　her　heart　to　throbbing　toothrobbing
wildly。　　She　halted；　and　went　on　again；　precipitately；　but　once　more
slowed　her　steps　as　she　came　to　West　Street　and　the　glare　of　light　at　the
end　of　the　bridge；　at　a　little　distance；　under　the　chequered　shadows　of
the　bare　branches；　she　saw　something　movea　man；　Ditmar。　　She　stood
motionless　as　he　hurried　toward　her。

〃You've　come！　　You've　forgiven　me？〃　he　asked。

〃Why　were　youdown　there？〃　she　asked。

〃Why？　　Because　I　thoughtI　thought　you　wouldn't　want　anybody　to　know〃

It　was　quite　natural　that　he　should　not　wish　to　be　seen；　although　she　had
no　feeling　of　guilt；　she　herself　did　not　wish　their　meeting　known。　　She
resented　the　subterfuge　in　him；　but　she　made　no　comment　because　his
perplexity；　his　embarrassment　were　gratifying　to　her　resentment；　were
restoring　her　self…possession；　giving　her　a　sense　of　power。

〃We　can't　stay　here；〃　he　went　on；　after　a　moment。　　〃Let's　take　a　little
walkI've　got　a　lot　to　say　to　you。　　I　want　to　put　myself　right。〃　　He
tried　to　take　her　arm；　but　she　avoided　him。　　They　started　along　the　canal
in　the　direction　of　the　Stanley　Street　bridge。　　〃Don't　you　care　for　me　a
little？〃　he　demanded。

〃Why　should　I？〃　　she　parried。

〃Thenwhy　did　you　come？〃

〃To　hear　what　you　had　to　say。〃

〃You　meanabout　this　afternoon？〃

〃Partly；〃　said　Janet。

〃Wellwe'll　talk　it　all　over。　　I　wanted　to　explain　about　this　afternoon；
especially。　　I'm　sorry〃

〃Sorry！〃　she　exclaimed。

The　vehemence　of　her　rebukefor　he　recognized　it　as　suchtook　him
completely　aback。　　Thus　she　was　wont；　at　the　most　unexpected　moments；　to
betray　the　passion　within　her；　the　passion　that　made　him　sick　with
desire。　　How　was　he　to　conquer　a　woman　of　this　type；　who　never　took
refuge　in　the　conventional　tactics　of　her　sex；　as　he　had　known　them？

〃I　didn't　mean　that；〃　he　explained　desperately。　　〃My　Godto　feel　you；　to
have　you　in