the foundations of personality-第71节

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r　world　of　thoughts　and　moods；　deeply；　fascinatingly　interesting。　It　seemed　to　H。　I。　that　there　were　〃two　I's；　one　of　which　sat　just　over　my　head　and　looking　down　on　the　other　I；　watching　its　strivings；　its　emotions；　its　thoughts　with　a　detached　and　yet　palpitating　interest。　When　I　watched　the　other　boys　at　play　I　wondered　whether　they　too　had　this　dual　existence；　whether　they　chewed　the　cud　of　life　over　and　over　again　as　I　did。〃　Came　puberty　with　the　great　sex　passions。　The　vibrating　life　within　him　suddenly　became　tinged　with　new　interests。　One　day　at　a　party　a　vixen　of　a　girl　threw　herself　boldly　in　his　arms　and　tried　to　push　him　into　a　chair。　The　bodily　contact　and　the　swift　bodily　reaction　threw　him　into　a　panic；　for　the　passion　that　was　aroused　was　so　powerful　that　he　seemed　to　himself　stripped　of　all　thought　and　reflection　and　impelled　to　actions　against　which　he　rebelled。　For　he　was　fully　acquainted；　at　second　hand；　with　sex；　he　knew　boys　and　girls　who　had　made　excursions　into　its　most　intimate　practices　and　despised　them。　This　episode　gave　his　introspective　trends　a　new　direction。　From　now　on　sex　was　the　theme　his　fancy　embroidered。　Curiously　enough；　he　became　more　austere　than　ever；　shunned　girls　and　especially　the　heroine　of　his　adventure；　and　even　avoided　the　company　of　boys　who　spoke　habitually　and　〃vulgarly〃　of　sex。　His　mind　built　up　sex　phantasies；　sex　adventures　in　which　he　was　the　hero　and　in　which　girls　he　knew　and　those　he　imagined　were　the　heroines；　but　at　the　same　time；　standing　aloof　as　it　were；　another　part　of　him　seemed　to　watch　his　own　reactions　until　〃I　nearly　went　crazy。〃　He　became　obsessed　by　a　feeling　of　unreality　and　adopted　a　Berkleyan　philosophy　of　idealism：　nothing　seemed　to　exist　except　his　own　consciousness；　and　that　seemed　of　doubtful　existence。　He　took　long　walks　by　himself；　read　philosophy　and　science　with　avidity；　yet　turned　by　preference　to　these　dreams　of　sex　adventure；　palpitating；　alluring；　and　yet　so　unreal　to　his　critical　self。　To　others　he　was　merely　a　bit　moody　and　detached；　though　friendly　and　kind。　He　went　to　college；　and　his　interest　in　sex　became　secondary　almost　immediately。　His　student　days　were　passed　at　Harvard　at　a　time　when　Royce；　Palmer；　Santayanna；　and　James　ruled　in　its　philosophy；　and　H。　I。　became　fascinated　by　these　men　and　their　subject。　His　mind　was　again　drawn　into　introspection；　but　in　an　organized　manner。　He　asked　himself　continually；　〃What　are　the　purposes　of　life；　why　do　we　love；　does　man　will　or　is　he　an　automaton　who　watches　the　hands　go　around　and　thinks　he　moves　them？〃　Where　before　his　feeling　of　unreality　was　largely　emotional；　now　it　received　an　intellectual　sanction；　and　he　swung　from　hither　to　yon　in　a　never…ending　cycle。　He　became　wearied　beyond　measure　by　his　thoughts；　he　envied　the　beasts　of　the　field；　the　laborer　in　the　ditch　and　all　to　whom　life　and　living　were　realities　not　in　the　least　to　be　examined　and　questioned。　Deliberately　he　decided　to　shift　his　interests；to　buy　an　automobile　and　learn　about　it；　to　play　cards；　to　have　his　love　affair；　to　taste　emotion　and　pleasure　and　to　seek　no　intellectual　sanction　for　them。　He　disappeared　from　college　for　a　year　and　came　back　tanned；　ruddy　and　at　rest。　He　had　found　a　capacity　for　interest　and　emotion　outside　of　himself。　He　had　experienced　phases　of　life　about　which　he　would　not　talk　at　first；　but　in　later　years　he　admitted　that　he　had　been　a　〃man　of　the　world。〃　He　regretted　much　that　had　happened；　but　on　the　whole　he　rejoiced　in　an　equanimity；　in　a　capacity　for　objective　interest；　that　he　had　never　had　before。　His　introspective　trend　was　still　very　strong；　but　it　lent　subtlety　and　wisdom　to　his　life；　rather　than　weakness。　Now　and　then　he　became　harassed　by　a　feeling　of　unreality；　by　a　questioning　skepticism　that　nullified　happiness；　and　he　felt　himself　divided　by　his　intellect。　These　he　shook　off　by　dropping　his　work；　by　hunting；　fishing　and　accepting　simple　goals　of　activity。　Later　on　he　married；　and　became　a　scholar　of　some　note。　I　think　he　now　relishes　life　as　well　as　any　really　thoughtful　man　of　middle　life　can。　There　is　a　personality　type；　the　emotional　introspective；　whose　interest　in　life　is　directed　toward　their　own　sensations　and　emotions。　They　do　not　view　people　or　things　as　having　a　value　in　themselves　and　for　themselves；　they　deliberately　view　them　as　sources　of　a　personal　pleasurable　sensation。　I　do　not　mean　the　crude　egoist　who　asks　of　anything　or　anybody；　〃What　good　is　it　（or　he）　for　me？〃　but　I　mean　that　connoisseur　in　emotions；　casually　blase　and　bored；　who　seeks　new　sensations。　This　is　an　introspective　deviation　of　a　serious　kind；　for　the　connoisseur　in　emotions　rarely　is　happy　and　usually　is　most　deeply　miserable。　Bourget　in　his　remarkable　psychological　novel；　〃A　Love　Crime；〃　has　admirably　drawn　one　of　these　characters。　The　exquisite　Armand；　seeking　pleasure　constantly；　is　divided　into　the　sensualist　who　seduces　and　ruins　and　the　introspectionist　who　watches　the　proceeding　with　disgust　and　disillusion。　It　is　not　an　outraged　conscience　that　is　at　work　but　the　inability　to　feel　without　analyzing　the　feeling　〃Ah；　for　a　single　passion　that　might　apply　my　entire　sensibility　to　another　being；　like　wet　paper　against　a　window　pane。〃　This　is　the　eternal　tragedy　of　sophistication；that　there　results　an　anhedonia　in　large　part　manifested　by　a　restless　introspection。　The　mind　is　drawn　away　from　the　outside　world；　and　everything　is　seen　out　of　proportion。　The　hypochondriac　directs　his　attention　to　his　health　and　is　in　part　a　monothymic　of　the　fear　type。　Moliere's　〃Le　Malade　Imaginaire〃　is　a　classical　study　of　this　person；　and　I　do　not；　presume　to　better　it。　Modern　popularizing　of　disease　has　distinctly　increased　the　numbers　of　the　hypochondriacs；　or　at　any　rate　has　made　their　fears　more　scientific。　Brain　tumor；　gastric　ulcer；　appendicitis；　tuberculosis；　heart　disease；　cancer；　syphilis；often　have　I　seen　a　hypochondriac　run　the　gamut　of　all　these　deadly　diseases　and　still　retain　his　health。　The　faddy　habits　they　form　are　the　sustenance　of　those　who　start　the　varied　forms　of　vegetarianism；　chewing　cults；　fresh…air　fiends；　wet…grass　fanatics；　back…to…nature　societies；　and　the　mild　lunacies　of　our　（and　every）　age。　One　such　hypochondriac；　J。；　after　suffering　from　every　disease　in　the　advertising　pages　of　the　daily　newspapers；　developed　a　system　of　habits　that　finally　became　a　disease　in　itself。　He　rose　at　6。30　each　morning；　stood　naked　in　the　middle　of　the　room；　took　six　deep　breaths；　rolled　around　on　the　floor　and　kicked　his　arms　and　legs　about　for　fifteen　minutes；　took　a　drink　of　cold　water；　had　a　shower　bath　and　a　rub…down；　shaved；　attended　to　〃certain　bodily　functions〃　（his　term；　not　mine）；　ate　a　breakfast　consisting　of　gluten　bread；　two　slices；　one　and　one…half　glasses　of　milk；　a　soft…boiled　egg　（three　and　one…half　minutes）　and　an　orange；　walked　to　work；　taking　exactly　twenty　minutes　to　do　it；　opened　the　windows　wide　in　his　office　（fighting　with　the　other　clerks　who　preferred　comfort　to　fresh　air）；　ate　a　health　luncheon　at　noon　consisting　of　Postum；　nuts；　health　bread；　and　two　squares　of　milk　chocolate；　walked　home　at　six；　taking　exactly　20　minutes　to　do　it；　washed；　lay　on　the　couch　fifteen　minutes　with　mind　fixed　on　infinity　（a　Hindoo　trick；　so　he　heard）；　ate　dinner；　which　never　varied　much　from　rice；　cream；　potatoes；　milk　and；　heritage　of　saner　days；　a　small　piece　of　pie！　All　the　day　he　watched　each　pain　and　ache；　noted　whether　he　belched　or　spit　more　than　usual；　and　at　night　went　to　sleep　at　10。30。　Needless　to　say　he　had　no　friends；　was　known　as　〃that　nut〃　and　really　broke　down　from　too　arduous　an　introspective　existence。　The　term　self…denial　has　been　used　from　earliest　times　to　indicate　what　we　have　called　inhibition。　But　self…denial　is　fundamentally　a　wrong　term；　since　it　implies　that　the　self　is　that　which　lusts　and　shirks；　and　that　which　controls　desire　and　holds　the　individual　to　a　consistent　and　ethical　line　of　conduct　is　not　the　self。　In　fact；　the　self　is　based　on　inhibition　and　control；　and　when　there　is　failure　in　these　regards　there　is　self…failure。　Interesting　is　the　under…inhibited　person。　I　mean　by　this　term　the　one　who　consistently　and　in　most　relationship　shows　an　inability　to　control　the　primitive　instincts；　impulses　and　desires。　J。　F。　may　stand　as　a　type　that　becomes　the　〃black　sheep〃　and　in　many　cases　the　〃criminal。〃　He　comes　of　what　is　known　as　a　〃good　family；〃　which　in　his　case　means　that　the　parents　are　well…to…do；　of　good　reputation　and　rather　above　the　average　in　intelligence。　The　brothers　and　sisters　have　all　done　well；　are　settled　in　their　ways　and　are　not　to　be　distinguished　from　the　people　of　their　social　set　in　manners　or　morals。　It　was　impossible　to　discipline　J。　As　a　very　young　child　he　resisted　his　mother's　efforts　to　train　him　into　tidiness　or　restraint。　He　stole　whatever　he　desired；　and　though　he　was　alternately　punished　and　pleaded　with；　though　he　seemed　to　desire　to　please　his　parents；　he　continued　to　steal　whenever　there　was　opportunity。　At　six　he　entered　a　neighbor's　house；　and　while　there　took　a　purse　that　was　lying　on　a　table；　rifled　it　of　its　contents　and　disappeared　for　nearly　a　day；　when　he　was　found　in　a　down…town　district；　having　gorged　himself　with　candy　and　cake