the foundations of personality-第28节

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male　of　the　same　species。　A　type　of　feeling　FAVORABLE　to　the　object　is　aroused；　called　〃tender　feeling；〃　which　is　associated　with　deep…lying　instincts　and　has　endless　modifications　and　variations。　Perhaps　its　great　example　is　the　tender　feeling　of　the　mother　for　the　baby；　a　feeling　so　strong　that　it　leads　to　conduct　of　self…　sacrifice；　conduct　that　makes　nothing　of　privation；　suffering；　even　death；　if　these　will　help　the　object　of　the　tender　feeling；　the　child。　Tender　feeling　of　this　type；　which　we　call　love；　is　a　theme　one　cannot　discuss　dryly；　for　it　sweeps　one　into　reveries；　it　suggests　softly　glowing　eyes；　not　far　from　tears；　tenderly　curved　lips；　just　barely　smiling；　and　the　soft　humming　of　the　mother　to　the　babe　in　her　arms。　It　is　the　soft　feeling　which　is　the　unifying　feeling；　and　when　it　reaches　a　group　they　become　gentle　in　tone　and　manners　and　feel　as　one。　The　dream　of　the　reformer　has　always　been　the　extension　of　this　tender　feeling　from　the　baby；　from　the　child　and　the　helpless；　to　all　men；　thus　abolishing　strife；　conquering　hate；　unifying　man。　This　type　of　love　is　also　paternal；　though　it　is　doubtful　whether　as　such　it　ever　reaches　the　intensity　it　does　in　the　mother。　By　a　sort　of　association　it　spreads　to　all　children；　to　all　little　things；　to　all　helpless　things；　except　where　there　exists　a　counter　feeling　already　well　established。　Though　typical　in　the　mother；　child　relationship；　tender　feeling　or　love；　exists　in　many　other　relationships。　The　human　family；　with　its　close　association；　its　inculcated　unity　of　interests；　in　its　highest　form　is　based　on　the　tender　feeling。　The　noble　ideal　of　the　brotherhood　of　man　comes　from　an　extension　of　the　feeling　found　in　brothers。　The　brotherly　feeling　is　emphasized；　though　the　sisterly　feeling　is　fully　as　strong；　merely　because　the　male　member　of　genus　homo　has　been　the　articulate　member；　he　has　written　and　talked　as　if　he；　and　not　his　sister；　were　the　important　human　personage。　So　fraternal　feeling　is　tender　feeling；　existing　between　members　of　the　same　family；　or　the　love　that　we　conceive　ought　to　be　present。　Is　such　love　instinctive；　as　is　the　maternal　love？　If　it　is；　that　instinct　is　very　much　weaker；　and　hostile　feeling；　indifference；　rivalry；　may　easily　replace　it。　We　rarely　conceive　of　a　mortal　world　where　so　intense　a　love　as　that　of　the　mother　will　be　the　common　feeling；　all　we　dare　hope　for　is　a　world　in　which　there　will　be　a　fine　fraternal　feeling。　Fraternal　feeling　is　born　of　association　together；　any　task　undertaken　en　masse；　any　living　together　under　one　roof。　Even　when　men　sit　down　to　eat　at　the　same　table；　it　tends　to　appear。　So　college　life；　the　barracks；　secret　orders；　awaken　it；　but　here；　as　always；　while　it　links　together　the　associated；　it　shuts　out　as　non…fraternal　those　not　associated。　What　we　call　friendly　feeling　is　a　less　vehement；　more　intellectualized　form　of　tender　feeling。　It　demands　a　certain　equality　and　a　certain　similarity　in　tastes；　though　some　friendships　are　noted　for　the　dissimilarity　of　the　friends。　Friendship　lives　on　reciprocal　benefits；　tangible　or　intangible；　though　sentimentalists　may　take　exception　to　this。　Primary　in　it　is　the　good　opinion　of　the　friends　and　interest　in　one　another；　we　cannot　be　friends　with　those　who　think　we　are　foolish　or　mean　or　bad。　We　ALLOW　a　friend　to　say　that　we　have　acted　wrongly　because　we　think　he　has　our　interest　at　heart；　because　he　has　shown　that　he　has　this　interest　at　heart；　though　his　saying　so　sometimes　strains　the　friendship　for　a　while。　Friendship　ideally　expects　no　material　benefits；　but　it　lives　on　the　spiritual　benefit　of　sympathy　and　expressed　interest　and　the　flattery　of　a　taste　in　common。　It　is　a　unification　of　individuals　that　has　been　glorified　as　the　perfect　relationship；　since　it　has　no　classifiable　instinct　behind　it　and　is　in　a　sense　democracy　at　its　noblest。　Friendship　is　easiest　formed　in　youth；　because　men　are　least　selfish；　least　specialized　at　that　time。　As　time　goes　on；　alas；　our　own　interests　and　purposes　narrow　down　in　order　that　we　may　succeed；　there　is　less　time　and　energy　for　friendship。　Sex　love　is　only　in　part　made　up　of　tender　feeling。　Passion；　admiration　of　beauty；　desire　of　possession；　the　love　of　conquest；　take　away　from　the　〃other〃　feeling　that　is　the　basis　of　tenderness　or　true　love。　We　desire　so　much　for　ourselves　in　sex　love　that　we　have　not　so　much　capacity　for　tender　feeling　as　we　usually　think　we　have。　The　protests　of　eternal　devotion　and　unending　self…sacrifice　are　sincere　enough　but　they　have　this　proviso　in　the　background：　〃You　must　give　yourself　to　me。〃　If　the　lovers　can　also　be　friends；　if　they　have　a　real　harmony　of　tastes；　desires　and　ambitions；　if　they　can　recede　their　ego　feeling；　know　how　to　compromise；　then　this　added　to　sex　feeling　makes　the　most　genuinely　satisfying　of　all　human　relations；　or　at　least　the　most　reciprocal。　But　the　two　human　beings　who　fall　in　love　are　rarely　enough　alike；　and　their　relationship　is　rarely　one　of　equality；　traditional　duties　and　rights　are　not　equal；　they　will　seek　different　things；　and　their　relationship　is　too　close　and　intimate　to　be　an　easy　one　to　maintain。　Sex　love　and　marriage　are　different　matters；　for　though　they　may　be　the　same；　too　often　they　are　not。　Rarely　does　sex　love　maintain　itself　without　marriage　and　marriage　colors　over　sex　love　with　parental　feelings；　financial　interests；　home　and　its　emotions；　etc。　In　sex　gratification＇1＇　there　is　the　danger　of　all　sensuous　pleasure：　that　a　periodic　appetite　gratified　often　leaves　behind　it　an　ennui；　a　distaste；sometimes　reaching　dislikeof　the　entire　act　and　associations。　＇1＇　Stanley　Hall　says　that　after　sex　gratification　there　is　〃taedium　vitae；〃　weariness　of　life。　In　unsanctioned　sex　gratification　this　is　extreme　and　takes　on　either　bitter　self…reproach　or　else　a　hate　of　the　partner。　But　this　is　due　to　the　inner　conflict　rather　than　the　sex　act。

Is　all　tender　feeling；　all　love；　sexual　in　its　essential　nature？　The　Freudians　say　yes　to　this；　or　what　amounts　to　yes。　All　mother　love　arises　from　the　sex　sphere；　and　it　cannot　be　denied　that　in　the　passionate　desire　to　fondle；　to　kiss　and　even　to　bite　there　is　something　very　like　the　excitement　of　sex。　But　there　is　something　very　different　in　the　wish　for　self…sacrifice；　the　pity　for　the　helpless　state；　the　love　of　the　littleness。　Women；　when　they　love　men；　often　add　maternal　feeling　to　it；　but　mainly　they　love　their　strength；　size　and　vigor；　and　there　tenderness　and　passion　differ。　Certainly　there　seems　little　of　the　sexual　in　the　love　of　a　father　for　his　baby；＇1＇　though　the　Freudians　do　not　hesitate　in　their　use　of　the　term　homosexual。　Apparently　all　children　have　incestuous　desire　for　their　parents；　if　we　are　to　trust　Freud。　Without　entering　into　detailed　reasoning；　I　disavow　any　truly　sexual　element　in　tender　feeling。　It　is　part　of　the　reception　we　give　to　objects　having　a　favorable　relation　to　ourselves。　Indeed；　we　give　it　to　our　houses；　our　dogs；　our　cattle；　our　pipes　are　hallowed　by　friendly　association；　and　so　with　our　books；　our　clothes　and　our　homes。　We　extend　it　in　deep；　full　measure　to　the　very　rocks　and　rills　of　our　native　land　or　to　some　place　where　we　spent　happy　or　tender　days。　Tender　feeling；　love；　is　inclusive　of　much　of　the　sex　emotion；　and　the　characteristic　mistake　of　the　Freudians　of　identifying　somewhat　similar　things　has　here　been　made。　＇1＇　It's　a　very　difficult　world　to　live　in；　if　we　are　to　trust　the　Freudians。　If　your　boy　child　loves　his　mother；　that's　heterosexual；　if　he　loves　his　father；　that's　homosexual；　and　the　love　of　a　girl　child　for　her　parents　simply　reverses　the　above　formula。　If　your　wife　says　of　the　baby　boy；　〃How　I　love　him！　He　looks　just　like　my　father；〃　be　careful；　that's　a　daughter…father　complex　of　a　dangerous　kind　and　means　the　most　unhallowed　things；　and　may　cause　her　to　have　a　nervous　breakdown　some　day！

Love；　then；　is　this　tender　feeling　made　purposive　and　intelligent。　It　is　a　sentiment；　in　Shand's　phrase；　and　seeks　the　good　of　its　object。　It　may　be　narrow；　it　may　be　broad；　it　may　be　intense　or　feeble；　but　in　its　organized　sense　it　plans；　fights　and　cherishes。　It　has　organized　with　it　the　primary　emotions；fear　if　the　object　is　in　danger；　or　anger　is　evoked　according　to　the　circumstances；　joy　if　the　object　of　love　is　enhanced　or　prospers；　sorrow　if　it　is　lost　or　injured　under　circumstances　that　make　the　lover　helpless。　Love　is　not　only　the　tenderest　feeling；　but　it　is　also　the　most　heroic　and　desperate　fighter　in　behalf　of　the　loved　one。　Here　we　are　face　to　face　with　the　contradictions　that　we　always　meet　when　we　personify　a　quality　or　make　an　abstraction。　Love　may　do　the　most　hateful　things；　love　may　stunt；　the　character　of　the　lover　and　the　beloved。　In　other　words；　love；　tender　feeling；　must　be　conjoined　with　intelligence；　good　judgment；　determination　and　fairness　before　it　is　useful。　It　would　be　a　nice　question　to　determine　just　how　much　harm　misguided　love　has　done。　What　is　pity？　Though　objects　of　love　always　elicit　pity；　when　helpless　or　injured；　objects　of　pity　are　not　necessarily　objects　of　love。　In　fact；　we　may　pity　through　contempt。　Objective　pity　is　a　type　of　tender　feeling　in　which　there　is　little　or　no　self…feeling。　We　do　not　extend　the　ego　to　the　piteous　object。