sketches of young couples(年轻夫妇素描)-第6节
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cries the gentleman； clenching his hands and looking upwards in agony；
'she is going to insist upon it that Morgan is Jenkins！' 'Do you take me for
a perfect fool？' exclaims the lady； 'do you suppose I don't know the one
from the other？ Do you suppose I don't know that the man in the blue coat
was Mr。 Jenkins？' 'Jenkins in a blue coat！' cries the gentleman with a groan；
'Jenkins in a blue coat！ a man who would suffer death rather than wear
anything but brown！' 'Do you dare to charge me with telling an untruth？'
demands the lady； bursting into tears。 'I charge you； ma'am；' retorts the
gentleman； starting up； 'with being a monster of contradiction； a monster
of aggravation； a … a … a … Jenkins in a blue coat！ … what have I done that I
should be doomed to hear such statements！'
Expressing himself with great scorn and anguish； the gentleman takes
up his candle and stalks off to bed； where feigning to be fast asleep when
the lady comes up…stairs drowned in tears； murmuring lamentations over
her hard fate and indistinct intentions of consulting her brothers； he
undergoes the secret torture of hearing her exclaim between whiles； 'I
know there are only fourteen doors in the house； I know it was Mr。 Jenkins；
I know he had a blue coat on； and I would say it as positively as I do now；
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if they were the last words I had to speak！'
If the contradictory couple are blessed with children； they are not the
less contradictory on that account。 Master James and Miss Charlotte
present themselves after dinner； and being in perfect good humour； and
finding their parents in the same amiable state； augur from these
appearances half a glass of wine a…piece and other extraordinary
indulgences。 But unfortunately Master James； growing talkative upon such
prospects； asks his mamma how tall Mrs。 Parsons is； and whether she is
not six feet high； to which his mamma replies； 'Yes； she should think she
was； for Mrs。 Parsons is a very tall lady indeed； quite a giantess。' 'For
Heaven's sake； Charlotte；' cries her husband； 'do not tell the child such
preposterous nonsense。 Six feet high！' 'Well；' replies the lady； 'surely I may
be permitted to have an opinion； my opinion is； that she is six feet high … at
least six feet。' 'Now you know； Charlotte；' retorts the gentleman sternly；
'that that is NOT your opinion … that you have no such idea … and that you
only say this for the sake of contradiction。' 'You are exceedingly polite；' his
wife replies； 'to be wrong about such a paltry question as anybody's height；
would be no great crime； but I say again； that I believe Mrs。 Parsons to be
six feet … more than six feet； nay； I believe you know her to be full six feet；
and only say she is not； because I say she is。' This taunt disposes the
gentleman to become violent； but he cheeks himself； and is content to
mutter； in a haughty tone； 'Six feet … ha！ ha！ Mrs。 Parsons six feet！' and the
lady answers； 'Yes； six feet。 I am sure I am glad you are amused； and I'll
say it again … six feet。' Thus the subject gradually drops off； and the
contradiction begins to be forgotten； when Master James； with some
undefined notion of making himself agreeable； and putting things to rights
again； unfortunately asks his mamma what the moon's made of； which
gives her occasion to say that he had better not ask her； for she is always
wrong and never can be right； that he only exposes her to contradiction by
asking any question of her； and that he had better ask his papa； who is
infallible； and never can be wrong。 Papa； smarting under this attack； gives
a terrible pull at the bell； and says； that if the conversation is to proceed in
this way； the children had better be removed。 Removed they are； after a
few tears and many struggles； and Pa having looked at Ma sideways for a
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minute or two； with a baleful eye； draws his pocket…handkerchief over his
face； and composes himself for his after…dinner nap。
The friends of the contradictory couple often deplore their frequent
disputes； though they rather make light of them at the same time：
observing； that there is no doubt they are very much attached to each other；
and that they never quarrel except about trifles。 But neither the friends of
the contradictory couple； nor the contradictory couple themselves； reflect；
that as the most stupendous objects in nature are but vast collections of
minute particles； so the slightest and least considered trifles make up the
sum of human happiness or misery。
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THE COUPLE WHO DOTE
UPON THEIR CHILDREN
The couple who dote upon their children have usually a great many of
them： six or eight at least。 The children are either the healthiest in all the
world； or the most unfortunate in existence。 In either case； they are equally
the theme of their doting parents； and equally a source of mental anguish
and irritation to their doting parents' friends。
The couple who dote upon their children recognise no dates but those
connected with their births； accidents； illnesses； or remarkable deeds。 They
keep a mental almanack with a vast number of Innocents'…days； all in red
letters。 They recollect the last coronation； because on that day little Tom
fell down the kitchen stairs； the anniversary of the Gunpowder Plot；
because it was on the fifth of November that Ned asked whether wooden
legs were made in heaven and cocked hats grew in gardens。 Mrs。 Whiffler
will never cease to recollect the last day of the old year as long as she lives；
for it was on that day that the baby had the four red spots on its nose
which they took for measles： nor Christmas…day； for twenty…one days after
Christmas…day the twins were born； nor Good Friday； for it was on a Good
Friday that she was frightened by the donkey…cart when she was in the
family way with Georgiana。 The movable feasts have no motion for Mr。
and Mrs。 Whiffler； but remain pinned down tight and fast to the shoulders
of some small child； from whom they can never be separated any more。
Time was made； according to their creed； not for slaves but for girls and
boys； the restless sands in his glass are but little children at play。
As we have already intimated； the children of this couple can know no
medium。 They are either prodigies of good health or prodigies of bad
health； whatever they are； they must be prodigies。 Mr。 Whiffler must have
to describe at his office such excruciating agonies constantly undergone by
his eldest boy； as nobody else's eldest boy ever underwent； or he must be
able to declare that there never was a child endowed with such amazing
health； such an indomitable constitution； and such a cast…iron frame； as his
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child。 His children must be； in some respect or other； above and beyond
the children of all other people。 To such an extent is this feeling pushed；
that we were once slightly acquainted with a lady and gentleman who
carried their heads so high and became so proud after their youngest child
fell out of a two…pair…of…stairs window without hurting himself much； that
the greater part of their friends were obliged to forego their acquaintance。
But perhaps this may be an extreme case； and one not justly entitled to be
considered as a precedent of general application。
If a friend happen to dine in a friendly way with one of these couples
who dote upon their children； it is nearly impossible for him to divert the
conversation from their favourite topic。 Everything reminds Mr。 Whiffler
of Ned； or Mrs。 Whiffler of Mary Anne； or of the time before Ned was
born； or the time before Mary Anne was thought of。 The slightest remark；
however harmless in itself； will awaken slumbering recollections of the
twins。 It i
