sketches of young couples(年轻夫妇素描)-第13节
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other lotions applicable to mumps； sore…throat； rheumatism； or lumbago。
Mr。 Merrywinkle's leaving home to go to business on a damp or wet
morning is a very elaborate affair。 He puts on wash…leather socks over his
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stockings； and India…rubber shoes above his boots； and wears under his
waistcoat a cuirass of hare…skin。 Besides these precautions； he winds a
thick shawl round his throat； and blocks up his mouth with a large silk
handkerchief。 Thus accoutred； and furnished besides with a great…coat and
umbrella； he braves the dangers of the streets； travelling in severe weather
at a gentle trot； the better to preserve the circulation； and bringing his
mouth to the surface to take breath； but very seldom； and with the utmost
caution。 His office…door opened； he shoots past his clerk at the same pace；
and diving into his own private room； closes the door； examines the
window…fastenings； and gradually unrobes himself： hanging his pocket…
handkerchief on the fender to air； and determining to write to the
newspapers about the fog； which； he says； 'has really got to that pitch that
it is quite unbearable。'
In this last opinion Mrs。 Merrywinkle and her respected mother fully
concur； for though not present； their thoughts and tongues are occupied
with the same subject； which is their constant theme all day。 If anybody
happens to call； Mrs。 Merrywinkle opines that they must assuredly be mad；
and her first salutation is； 'Why； what in the name of goodness can bring
you out in such weather？ You know you MUST catch your death。' This
assurance is corroborated by Mrs。 Chopper； who adds； in further
confirmation； a dismal legend concerning an individual of her
acquaintance who； making a call under precisely parallel circumstances；
and being then in the best health and spirits； expired in forty…eight hours
afterwards； of a complication of inflammatory disorders。 The visitor；
rendered not altogether comfortable perhaps by this and other precedents；
inquires very affectionately after Mr。 Merrywinkle； but by so doing brings
about no change of the subject； for Mr。 Merrywinkle's name is inseparably
connected with his complaints； and his complaints are inseparably
connected with Mrs。 Merrywinkle's； and when these are done with； Mrs。
Chopper； who has been biding her time； cuts in with the chronic disorder …
a subject upon which the amiable old lady never leaves off speaking until
she is left alone； and very often not then。
But Mr。 Merrywinkle comes home to dinner。 He is received by Mrs。
Merrywinkle and Mrs。 Chopper； who； on his remarking that he thinks his
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feet are damp； turn pale as ashes and drag him up…stairs； imploring him to
have them rubbed directly with a dry coarse towel。 Rubbed they are； one
by Mrs。 Merrywinkle and one by Mrs。 Chopper； until the friction causes
Mr。 Merrywinkle to make horrible faces； and look as if he had been
smelling very powerful onions； when they desist； and the patient； provided
for his better security with thick worsted stockings and list slippers； is
borne down…stairs to dinner。 Now； the dinner is always a good one； the
appetites of the diners being delicate； and requiring a little of what Mrs。
Merrywinkle calls 'tittivation；' the secret of which is understood to lie in
good cookery and tasteful spices； and which process is so successfully
performed in the present instance； that both Mr。 and Mrs。 Merrywinkle eat
a remarkably good dinner； and even the afflicted Mrs。 Chopper wields her
knife and fork with much of the spirit and elasticity of youth。 But Mr。
Merrywinkle； in his desire to gratify his appetite； is not unmindful of his
health； for he has a bottle of carbonate of soda with which to qualify his
porter； and a little pair of scales in which to weigh it out。 Neither in his
anxiety to take care of his body is he unmindful of the welfare of his
immortal part； as he always prays that for what he is going to receive he
may be made truly thankful； and in order that he may be as thankful as
possible； eats and drinks to the utmost。
Either from eating and drinking so much； or from being the victim of
this constitutional infirmity； among others； Mr。 Merrywinkle； after two or
three glasses of wine； falls fast asleep； and he has scarcely closed his eyes；
when Mrs。 Merrywinkle and Mrs。 Chopper fall asleep likewise。 It is on
awakening at tea…time that their most alarming symptoms prevail； for then
Mr。 Merrywinkle feels as if his temples were tightly bound round with the
chain of the street…door； and Mrs。 Merrywinkle as if she had made a hearty
dinner of half…hundredweights； and Mrs。 Chopper as if cold water were
running down her back； and oyster…knives with sharp points were plunging
of their own accord into her ribs。 Symptoms like these are enough to make
people peevish； and no wonder that they remain so until supper…time；
doing little more than doze and complain； unless Mr。 Merrywinkle calls
out very loudly to a servant 'to keep that draught out；' or rushes into the
passage to flourish his fist in the countenance of the twopenny…postman；
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for daring to give such a knock as he had just performed at the door of a
private gentleman with nerves。
Supper； coming after dinner； should consist of some gentle provocative；
and therefore the tittivating art is again in requisition； and again … done
honour to by Mr。 and Mrs。 Merrywinkle； still comforted and abetted by
Mrs。 Chopper。 After supper； it is ten to one but the last…named old lady
becomes worse； and is led off to bed with the chronic complaint in full
vigour。 Mr。 and Mrs。 Merrywinkle； having administered to her a warm
cordial； which is something of the strongest； then repair to their own room；
where Mr。 Merrywinkle； with his legs and feet in hot water； superintends
the mulling of some wine which he is to drink at the very moment he
plunges into bed； while Mrs。 Merrywinkle； in garments whose nature is
unknown to and unimagined by all but married men； takes four small pills
with a spasmodic look between each； and finally comes to something hot
and fragrant out of another little saucepan； which serves as her composing…
draught for the night。
There is another kind of couple who coddle themselves； and who do so
at a cheaper rate and on more spare diet； because they are niggardly and
parsimonious； for which reason they are kind enough to coddle their
visitors too。 It is unnecessary to describe them； for our readers may rest
assured of the accuracy of these general principles：… that all couples who
coddle themselves are selfish and slothful； … that they charge upon every
wind that blows； every rain that falls； and every vapour that hangs in the
air； the evils which arise from their own imprudence or the gloom which is
engendered in their own tempers； … and that all men and women； in
couples or otherwise； who fall into exclusive habits of self…indulgence； and
forget their natural sympathy and close connexion with everybody and
everything in the world around them； not only neglect the first duty of life；
but； by a happy retributive justice； deprive themselves of its truest and best
enjoyment。
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THE OLD COUPLE
They are grandfather and grandmother to a dozen grown people and
have great…grandchildren besides； their bodies are bent； their hair is grey；
their step tottering and infirm。 Is this the lightsome pair whose wedding
was so merry； and have the young couple indeed grown old so soon！
It seems but yesterday … and yet what a host of cares and
