sketches of young couples(年轻夫妇素描)-第12节
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Parliament； the egotistical couple； being at the time at a drawing…room
window on Blackheath； then and there simultaneously exclaimed； to the
astonishment of a whole party … 'It's the House of Lords！' Nor was this a
solitary instance of their peculiar discernment； for chancing to be （as by a
comparison of dates and circumstances they afterwards found） in the same
omnibus with Mr。 Greenacre； when he carried his victim's head about
town in a blue bag； they both remarked a singular twitching in the muscles
of his countenance； and walking down Fish Street Hill； a few weeks since；
the egotistical gentleman said to his lady … slightly casting up his eyes to
the top of the Monument … 'There's a boy up there； my dear； reading a
Bible。 It's very strange。 I don't like it。 … In five seconds afterwards； Sir；'
says the egotistical gentleman； bringing his hands together with one
violent clap … 'the lad was over！'
Diversifying these topics by the introduction of many others of the
same kind； and entertaining us between whiles with a minute account of
what weather and diet agreed with them； and what weather and diet
disagreed with them； and at what time they usually got up； and at what
time went to bed； with many other particulars of their domestic economy
too numerous to mention； the egotistical couple at length took their leave；
and afforded us an opportunity of doing the same。
Mr。 and Mrs。 Sliverstone are an egotistical couple of another class； for
all the lady's egotism is about her husband； and all the gentleman's about
his wife。 For example：… Mr。 Sliverstone is a clerical gentleman； and
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occasionally writes sermons； as clerical gentlemen do。 If you happen to
obtain admission at the street…door while he is so engaged； Mrs。
Sliverstone appears on tip…toe； and speaking in a solemn whisper； as if
there were at least three or four particular friends up…stairs； all upon the
point of death； implores you to be very silent； for Mr。 Sliverstone is
composing； and she need not say how very important it is that he should
not be disturbed。 Unwilling to interrupt anything so serious； you hasten to
withdraw； with many apologies； but this Mrs。 Sliverstone will by no
means allow； observing； that she knows you would like to see him； as it is
very natural you should； and that she is determined to make a trial for you；
as you are a great favourite。 So you are led up…stairs … still on tip…toe … to
the door of a little back room； in which； as the lady informs you in a
whisper； Mr。 Sliverstone always writes。 No answer being returned to a
couple of soft taps； the lady opens the door； and there； sure enough； is Mr。
Sliverstone； with dishevelled hair； powdering away with pen； ink； and
paper； at a rate which； if he has any power of sustaining it； would settle the
longest sermon in no time。 At first he is too much absorbed to be roused
by this intrusion； but presently looking up； says faintly； 'Ah！' and pointing
to his desk with a weary and languid smile； extends his hand； and hopes
you'll forgive him。 Then Mrs。 Sliverstone sits down beside him； and taking
his hand in hers； tells you how that Mr。 Sliverstone has been shut up there
ever since nine o'clock in the morning； （it is by this time twelve at noon；）
and how she knows it cannot be good for his health； and is very uneasy
about it。 Unto this Mr。 Sliverstone replies firmly； that 'It must be done；'
which agonizes Mrs。 Sliverstone still more； and she goes on to tell you
that such were Mr。 Sliverstone's labours last week … what with the buryings；
marryings； churchings； christenings； and all together； … that when he was
going up the pulpit stairs on Sunday evening； he was obliged to hold on by
the rails； or he would certainly have fallen over into his own pew。 Mr。
Sliverstone； who has been listening and smiling meekly； says； 'Not quite
so bad as that； not quite so bad！' he admits though； on cross…examination；
that he WAS very near falling upon the verger who was following him up
to bolt the door； but adds； that it was his duty as a Christian to fall upon
him； if need were； and that he； Mr。 Sliverstone； and （possibly the verger
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too） ought to glory in it。
This sentiment communicates new impulse to Mrs。 Sliverstone； who
launches into new praises of Mr。 Sliverstone's worth and excellence； to
which he listens in the same meek silence； save when he puts in a word of
self…denial relative to some question of fact； as … 'Not seventy…two
christenings that week； my dear。 Only seventy…one； only seventy…one。' At
length his lady has quite concluded； and then he says； Why should he
repine； why should he give way； why should he suffer his heart to sink
within him？ Is it he alone who toils and suffers？ What has she gone
through； he should like to know？ What does she go through every day for
him and for society？
With such an exordium Mr。 Sliverstone launches out into glowing
praises of the conduct of Mrs。 Sliverstone in the production of eight young
children； and the subsequent rearing and fostering of the same； and thus
the husband magnifies the wife； and the wife the husband。
This would be well enough if Mr。 and Mrs。 Sliverstone kept it to
themselves； or even to themselves and a friend or two； but they do not。
The more hearers they have； the more egotistical the couple become； and
the more anxious they are to make believers in their merits。 Perhaps this is
the worst kind of egotism。 It has not even the poor excuse of being
spontaneous； but is the result of a deliberate system and malice
aforethought。 Mere empty…headed conceit excites our pity； but ostentatious
hypocrisy awakens our disgust。
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THE COUPLE WHO CODDLE
THEMSELVES
Mrs。 Merrywinkle's maiden name was Chopper。 She was the only
child of Mr。 and Mrs。 Chopper。 Her father died when she was； as the play…
books express it； 'yet an infant；' and so old Mrs。 Chopper； when her
daughter married； made the house of her son…in…law her home from that
time henceforth； and set up her staff of rest with Mr。 and Mrs。
Merrywinkle。
Mr。 and Mrs。 Merrywinkle are a couple who coddle themselves； and
the venerable Mrs。 Chopper is an aider and abettor in the same。
Mr。 Merrywinkle is a rather lean and long…necked gentleman； middle…
aged and middle…sized； and usually troubled with a cold in the head。 Mrs。
Merrywinkle is a delicate…looking lady； with very light hair； and is
exceedingly subject to the same unpleasant disorder。 The venerable Mrs。
Chopper … who is strictly entitled to the appellation； her daughter not being
very young； otherwise than by courtesy； at the time of her marriage； which
was some years ago … is a mysterious old lady who lurks behind a pair of
spectacles； and is afflicted with a chronic disease； respecting which she
has taken a vast deal of medical advice； and referred to a vast number of
medical books； without meeting any definition of symptoms that at all
suits her； or enables her to say； 'That's my complaint。' Indeed； the absence
of authentic information upon the subject of this complaint would seem to
be Mrs。 Chopper's greatest ill； as in all other respects she is an
uncommonly hale and hearty gentlewoman。
Both Mr。 and Mrs。 Chopper wear an extraordinary quantity of flannel；
and have a habit of putting their feet in hot water to an unnatural extent。
They likewise indulge in chamomile tea and such… like compounds； and
rub themselves on the slightest provocation with camphorated spirits and
other lotions applicable to mumps； sore…throat； rheumatism； or lumbago。
Mr。
