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A paleontologist can find lifetime fascination with a fossil a child might ignore;  
kick; or toss into the lake just to hear the splash。 Likewise; the grammar of various  
languages throws off some laughs and insights nonlinguists never get a chance to marvel  
at。    
In German; for example; a woman doesn’t achieve feminine gender until she gets  
married。 The word for “girl” (M。dchen) and “miss” (Fr。ulein) are both neuter gender。 In  
Russian; the past tense of verbs acts like an adjective; it doesn’t shift forms according to  
person and number as verbs normally do; but shift according to gender and number as  
adjectives do。 In Norwegian; Danish; and Swedish the definite article (“the”) follows the  
noun and is attached to it。 Therefore; “a field” in Norwegian is en mark。 “The field;”;  
however; is marken。 Romanian and Albanian; completely unrelated to the Scandinavian  
languages; do the same thing。    
In Finnish; the word for “not” is a verb。 (At least it behaves like a verb。) Finnish;  
alone in all the world; has an inflecting negative。 In every other language in which verbs  
conjugate; the form of the verb changes according to person and number; whether the  
verb is positive or negative。 Thus; in Spanish the verb meaning “to want” goes yo quiero;  
tu quieres; el quiere。 If you wish to say “I don’t want”; you keep the verb forms the same  
and throw the word for “not”; no; in front of it (yo no quiero; tu no quieres; el no quiere)。    
In Finnish; and this is pure believe…it…or…not to anyone who’s looked at a lot of  
different languages; it’s the word for not that does the changing! Thus; “I want;” “you  
want;” “he wants” in Finnish goes; (min。) haluan; (sin。) haluat; (h。n) halua。 In the  
negative; however; the verb for “want” becomes halua in all persons and the word for  
“not” changes from person to person。 Thus; “I don’t want;” “you don’t want;” “he  
doesn’t want” becomes (min。) en halua; (sin。) et halua; (h。n) ei halua。    
I think my most impossible to top discovery is the fact that in Hindi and Urdu  
“tomorrow” and “yesterday” are translated by the same word。 Once; a Pakistani cab  
driver actually seemed irked that I found that to be at all strange。 “We have verb tenses to  
tell us which is which” was his testy explanation。    
American feminists have mounted crusades to convert sexist terms that have over  
the years insinuated themselves deep into the language。 We’ve all abandoned chairman;  
for example; for the cumbersome but less provocative chairperson; manhole for  
maintenance hole; and so on。    
It’s strange that the most blazing example of language sexism has gone unreformed;  
even though it occurs in some countries with active and successful feminist movements。    
 
Maybe it’s because; unlike manhole; this sexism is more than just a word or a term。 It’s  
gone through the bone into the marrow; through the words of the language into the  
grammar。    
You may remember it from Spanish 1。 You may have gotten it right on the tests and  
not thought of it since。 I refer to the Romance language “gender surrender” from  
feminine to masculine。    
Let’s say two women are having lunch。 If you want to refer to them in Spanish; the  
word is ellas; the feminine “they” or “them。” If they should be joined by a man; however;  
the ellas becomes ellos; masculine for “they” or “them。” And no matter how many more  
women show up and crowd around the table; the Spanish language can never put that  
humpty dumpty ellas back into play – unless the lone man leaves!    
Theoretically; a million women can be rallying in the main square of the capital。  
The newspapers will report that ellas rallied; made demands; did thus and so。 If; however;  
one man wanders into the square to join in; the proper pronoun is ellos! And that same  
rule goes for French; Italian; Portugese; Romanian; and a few other languages。    
You may never come to love grammar; but work with it。 Although sometimes  
annoying and thick in disguise; it’s your friend。    
                          
French or Tagalog:    
Choosing a Language                   
What are your language objectives?    
This is not merely one of those abstract questions universities and fitness centres  
like to annoy you with before they accept your application。    
Are you planning to marry a German and live in Germany? Then the language you  
want to learn in German。 You should stick to German and learn it well。 Do you own a  
hardware store in a neighbourhood of a growing American city where your customers  
represent eighteen different language groups; including Tagalog and Punjabi? Then you  
want to learn greetings; key business expressions like “invoice” and “charge account;”  
and the names of as many items in your inventory as you can in eighteen different  
languages; including Tagalog and Punjabi。    
The way you’re going to spend your language learning hours depends on your  
objectives。    
We’re going to presume here that whatever language you choose to learn; you want  
to learn well。 If you merely want to learn a smattering of greetings and phrases in a lot of  
languages; great。 You’re in for a lot of fun; particularly when you see; if you haven’t  
already; how far even a few words can carry you。 In that case; the departure from the  
method outlined here is obvious。 You don’t need mastery of the grammar。 Most big  
bookstores offer racks of phrase books for travellers in up to twenty…five different  
languages。 Buy all you want and study your favourite ten or fifteen of the first hundred  
phrases in each。    
Don’t feel frivolous if you feel you want to learn a language but don’t know which  
one。 You’re part of a movement to correct a weakness that has bedevilled America since  
the founding of our nation。 Do you like opera? Try Italian。 Diamonds? Try Dutch。  
Commercial advantage? German or Japanese。 Cutting edge positioning for the world  
down the road? Chinese or Arabic。 East…West barrier breaking and door opening?  
Russian。    
French is second only to English as an international language; spoken far beyond  
the borders of France itself。 Spanish enables Americans to become more complete    
 
citizens of the Western Hemisphere; while a resurgent Spain itself becomes an  
increasingly important part of Europe。    
If willingness of subject peoples to learn the language of the conqueror is any  
indication of the conqueror’s popularity; then the winning conqueror is England and the  
loser is Russia。 Those forced into Moscow’s postwar empire had an aversion to learning  
Russian; but in spite of Communism’s failure; the Russian language remains the most  
widely spoken of the Slavic languages。 It can be your key to the dozen or so related  
languages (Polish; Czech; etc。)。    
Maybe you want to learn a difficult language; like Finnish; an easy language; like  
Indonesian; a useful language; like French; or an obscure language; like Albanian。    
My motives for learning various languages have ranged from chance and youthful  
energy (Norwegian) to wanting a vital tool for my work (Spanish) to processing refugees  
(Hungarian) to getting dates with women whose looks I liked (Swedish) to proving I  
wasn’t an idiot for almost flunking Latin (Chinese)。    
Nobody who sells language learning books and devices will ever frown in  
disappointment at your choice of a language。 Don’t feel you have to apologise or explain  
that you want to learn Czech – or Catalan or Yoruba or Urdu or Kurdish – for no other  
reason than you’re tired of walking around a world as exciting as this one speaking only  
one language!   
                          
Gathering Your Tools                   
You’ve decided which language you’re going to learn; and you’ve made a deal with the  
grammar of that language: you agree to learn it; and in return it agrees not to rush you;  
bore you; discourage you; or hurt you。    
Now it’s time to go shopping。 Find a bookstore that offers a broad selection of  
language learning materials。 Don’t settle for one where the clerk is not sure but says;  
“We might have something in French and Spanish over in ‘Language。’”         
BASIC TEXTBOOK         
Find a basic book (textbook; workbook) that gives you a good grounding in the grammar  
of the language。 Never mind if it seems to give you grammar and little else。 Never mind  
if it reminds you of the books that depressed you back in high school and college。 We’ll  
find all the excitement – reading and conversation – elsewhere。 Grammar is all you need  
from this one。         
DICTIONARY         
Most language dictionaries are two way: English…French (or whatever) and French… 
English。 Make sure the dictionary you buy at least lives up to that。 (I have walked out of  
bookstores with dictionaries I assumed were two way that turned out to be only one way;  
and the way I wasn’t looking for!)    
A lot of dictionaries are infuriatingly inadequate。 They don’t even have words like  
negotiate and proprietor。 Spend a little time making sure you’re getting something  
subs

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