crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第94节
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dismay。
〃And the children？ What can you do except take them to live with
you？〃
〃Oh； I don't know；〃 cried Sonia； almost in despair； and she put
her hands to her head。
It was evident that that idea had very often occurred to her
before and he had only roused it again。
〃And； what； if even now； while Katerina Ivanovna is alive； you get
ill and are taken to the hospital； what will happen then？〃 he
persisted pitilessly。
〃How can you？ That cannot be！〃
And Sonia's face worked with awful terror。
〃Cannot be？〃 Raskolnikov went on with a harsh smile。 〃You are not
insured against it； are you？ What will happen to them then？ They
will be in the street； all of them； she will cough and beg and knock
her head against some wall； as she did to…day； and the children will
cry。。。。 Then she will fall down； be taken to the police station and to
the hospital； she will die； and the children。。。〃
〃Oh； no。。。。 God will not let it be！〃 broke at last from Sonia's
overburdened bosom。
She listened； looking imploringly at him； clasping her hands in dumb
entreaty； as though it all depended upon him。
Raskolnikov got up and began to walk about the room。 A minute
passed。 Sonia was standing with her hands and her head hanging in
terrible dejection。
〃And can't you save？ Put by for a rainy day？〃 he asked； stopping
suddenly before her。
〃No；〃 whispered Sonia。
〃Of course not。 Have you tried？〃 he added almost ironically。
〃Yes。〃
〃And it didn't come off！ Of course not！ No need to ask。〃
And again he paced the room。 Another minute passed。
〃You don't get money every day？〃
Sonia was more confused than ever and colour rushed into her face
again。
〃No；〃 she whispered with a painful effort。
〃It will be the same with Polenka； no doubt；〃 he said suddenly。
〃No； no！ It can't be； no！〃 Sonia cried aloud in desperation； as
though she had been stabbed。 〃God would not allow anything so awful！〃
〃He lets others come to it。〃
〃No； no！ God will protect her； God！〃 she repeated beside herself。
〃But； perhaps； there is no God at all；〃 Raskolnikov answered with
a sort of malignance； laughed and looked at her。
Sonia's face suddenly changed； a tremor passed over it。 She looked
at him with unutterable reproach； tried to say something； but could
not speak and broke into bitter； bitter sobs； hiding her face in her
hands。
〃You say Katerina Ivanovna's mind is unhinged； your own mind is
unhinged；〃 he said after a brief silence。
Five minutes passed。 He still paced up and down the room in silence；
not looking at her。 At last he went up to her； his eyes glittered。
He put his two hands on her shoulders and looked straight into her
tearful face。 His eyes were hard； feverish and piercing； his lips were
twitching。 All at once he bent down quickly and dropping to the
ground； kissed her foot。 Sonia drew back from him as from a madman。
And certainly he looked like a madman。
〃What are you doing to me？〃 she muttered； turning pale； and a sudden
anguish clutched at her heart。
He stood up at once。
〃I did not bow down to you； I bowed down to all the suffering of
humanity；〃 he said wildly and walked away to the window。 〃Listen；〃
he added； turning to her a minute later。 〃I said just now to an
insolent man that he was not worth your little finger。。。 and that I
did my sister honour making her sit beside you。〃
〃Ach； you said that to them！ And in her presence？〃 cried Sonia；
frightened。 〃Sit down with me！ An honour！ Why； I'm。。。
dishonourable。。。。 Ah； why did you say that？〃
〃It was not because of your dishonour and your sin I said that of
you； but because of your great suffering。 But you are a great
sinner； that's true；〃 he added almost solemnly； 〃and your worst sin is
that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing。 Isn't
that fearful？ Isn't it fearful that you are living in this filth which
you loathe so； and at the same time you know yourself （you've only
to open your eyes） that you are not helping any one by it； not
saving any one from anything！ Tell me；〃 he went on almost in a frenzy；
〃how this shame and degradation can exist in you side by side with
other； opposite； holy feelings？ It would be better； a thousand times
better and wiser to leap into the water and end it all！〃
〃But what would become of them？〃 Sonia asked faintly； gazing at
him with eyes of anguish； but not seeming surprised at his suggestion。
Raskolnikov looked strangely at her。 He read it all in her face；
so she must have had that thought already； perhaps many times； and
earnestly she had thought out in her despair how to end it and so
earnestly； that now she scarcely wondered at his suggestion。 She had
not even noticed the cruelty of his words。 （The significance of his
reproaches and his peculiar attitude to her shame she had； of
course； not noticed either； and that； too； was clear to him。） But he
saw how monstrously the thought of her disgraceful； shameful
position was torturing her and had long tortured her。 〃What； what；〃 he
thought； 〃could hitherto have hindered her from putting an end to it？〃
Only then he realised what those poor little orphan children and
that pitiful half…crazy Katerina Ivanovna； knocking her head against
the wall in her consumption； meant for Sonia。
But； nevertheless； it was clear to him again that with her character
and the amount of education she had after all received； she could
not in any case remain so。 He was still confronted by the question how
could she have remained so long in that position without going out
of her mind； since she could not bring herself to jump into the water？
Of course he knew that Sonia's position was an exceptional case；
though unhappily not unique and not infrequent； indeed； but that
very exceptionalness； her tinge of education； her previous life might；
one would have thought； have killed her at the first step on that
revolting path。 What held her up… surely not depravity？ All that
infamy had obviously only touched her mechanically； not one drop of
real depravity had penetrated to her heart； he saw that。 He saw
through her as she stood before him。。。。
〃There are three ways before her；〃 he thought； 〃the canal； the
madhouse； or。。。 at last to sink into depravity which obscures the mind
and turns the heart to stone。〃
The last idea was the most revolting； but he was a sceptic； he was
young； abstract； and therefore cruel； and so he could not help
believing that the last end was the most likely。
〃But can that be true？〃 he cried to himself。 〃Can that creature
who has still preserved the purity of her spirit be consciously
drawn at last into that sink of filth and iniquity？ Can the process
already have begun？ Can it be that she has only been able to bear it
till now； because vice has begun to be less loathsome to her？ No；
no； that cannot be！〃 he cried； as Sonia had just before。 〃No； what has
kept her from the canal till now is the idea of sin and they； the
children。。。。 And if she has not go
