crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第68节
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him before my illness。。。。 I believe I have met him somewhere…。。。 And
this is a good man； too；〃 he nodded at Razumihin。 〃Do you like him；
Dounia？〃 he asked her； and suddenly； for some unknown reason； laughed。
〃Very much；〃 answered Dounia。
〃Foo… what a pig you are；〃 Razumihin protested； blushing in terrible
confusion； and he got up from his chair。 Pulcheria Alexandrovna smiled
faintly； but Raskolnikov laughed aloud。
〃Where are you off to？〃
〃I must go。〃
〃You need not at all。 Stay。 Zossimov has gone； so you must。 Don't
go。 What's the time？ Is it twelve o'clock？ What a pretty watch you
have got； Dounia。 But why are you all silent again？ I do all the
talking。〃
〃It was a present from Marfa Petrovna；〃 answered Dounia。
〃And a very expensive one！〃 added Pulcheria Alexandrovna。
〃A…ah！ What a big one！ Hardly like a lady's。〃
〃I like that sort；〃 said Dounia。
〃So it is not a present from her fiance；〃 thought Razumihin； and was
unreasonably delighted。
〃I thought it was Luzhin's present；〃 observed Raskolnikov。
〃No； he has not made Dounia any presents yet。〃
〃A…ah！ And do you remember； mother； I was in love and wanted to
get married？〃 he said suddenly； looking at his mother； who was
disconcerted by the sudden change of subject and the way he spoke of
it。
〃Oh； yes； my dear。〃
Pulcheria Alexandrovna exchanged glances with Dounia and Razumihin。
〃H'm； yes。 What shall I tell you？ I don't remember much indeed。
She was such a sickly girl；〃 he went on； growing dreamy and looking
down again。 〃Quite an invalid。 She was fond of giving alms to the
poor； and was always dreaming of a nunnery； and once she burst into
tears when she began talking to me about it。 Yes； yes； I remember。 I
remember very well。 She was an ugly little thing。 I really don't
know what drew me to her then… I think it was because she was always
ill。 If she had been lame or hunchback； I believe I should have
liked her better still；〃 he smiled dreamily。 〃Yes； it was a sort of
spring delirium。〃
〃No； it was not only spring delirium；〃 said Dounia； with warm
feeling。
He fixed a strained intent look on his sister； but did not hear or
did not understand her words。 Then； completely lost in thought； he got
up； went up to his mother； kissed her； went back to his place and
sat down。
〃You love her even now？〃 said Pulcheria Alexandrovna； touched。
〃Her？ Now？ Oh； yes。。。。 You ask about her？ No。。。 that's all now as it
were； in another world。。。 and so long ago。 And indeed everything
happening here seems somehow far away。〃 He looked attentively at them。
〃You now。。。 I seem to be looking at you from a thousand miles
away。。。 but； goodness knows why we are talking of that！ And what's the
use of asking about it；〃 he added with annoyance； and biting his
nails； he fell into dreamy silence again。
〃What a wretched lodging you have； Rodya！ It's like a tomb；〃 said
Pulcheria Alexandrovna； suddenly breaking the oppressive silence。 〃I
am sure it's quite half through your lodging you have become so
melancholy。〃
〃My lodging；〃 he answered； listlessly。 〃Yes； the lodging had a great
deal to do with it。。。。 I thought that； too。。。。 If only you knew；
though； what a strange thing you said just now； mother；〃 he said；
laughing strangely。
A little more； and their companionship； this mother and this sister；
with him after three years' absence； this intimate tone of
conversation； in face of the utter impossibility of really speaking
about anything； would have been beyond his power of endurance。 But
there was one urgent matter which must be settled one way or the other
that day… so he had decided when he woke。 Now he was glad to
remember it； as a means of escape。
〃Listen； Dounia；〃 he began； gravely and drily； 〃of course I beg your
pardon for yesterday； but I consider it my duty to tell you again that
I do not withdraw from my chief point。 It is me or Luzhin。 If I am a
scoundrel； you must not be。 One is enough。 If you marry Luzhin； I
cease at once to look on you as a sister。〃
〃Rodya； Rodya！ It is the same as yesterday again；〃 Pulcheria
Alexandrovna cried； mournfully。 〃And why do you call yourself a
scoundrel？ I can't bear it。 You said the same yesterday。〃
〃Brother；〃 Dounia answered firmly and with the same dryness。 〃In all
this there is a mistake on your part。 I thought it over at night；
and found out the mistake。 It is all because you seem to fancy I am
sacrificing myself to some one and for some one。 That is not the
case at all。 I am simply marrying for my own sake； because things
are hard for me。 Though； of course； I shall be glad if I succeed in
being useful to my family。 But that is not the chief motive for my
decision。。。。〃
〃She is lying；〃 he thought to himself； biting his nails
vindictively。 〃Proud creature！ She won't admit she wants to do it
out of charity！ Too haughty！ Oh； base characters！ They even love as
though they hate。。。。 Oh； how I。。。 hate them all！〃
〃In fact；〃 continued Dounia； 〃I am marrying Pyotr Petrovitch because
of two evils I choose the less。 I intend to do honestly all he expects
of me； so I am not deceiving him。。。。 Why did you smile just now？〃 She；
too； flushed； and there was a gleam of anger in her eyes。
〃All？〃 he asked； with a malignant grin。
〃Within certain limits。 Both the manner and form of Pyotr
Petrovitch's courtship showed me at once what he wanted。 He may； of
course； think too well of himself； but I hope he esteems me； too。。。。
Why are you laughing again？〃
〃And why are you blushing again？ You are lying； sister。 You are
intentionally lying； simply from feminine obstinacy； simply to hold
your own against me。。。。 You cannot respect Luzhin。 I have seen him and
talked with him。 So you are selling yourself for money； and so in
any case you are acting basely； and I am glad at least that you can
blush for it。〃
〃It is not true。 I am not lying；〃 cried Dounia； losing her
composure。 〃I would not marry him if I were not convinced that he
esteems me and thinks highly of me。 I would not marry him if I were
not firmly convinced that I can respect him。 Fortunately； I can have
convincing proof of it this very day。。。 and such a marriage is not a
vileness； as you say！ And even if you were right； if I really had
determined on a vile action； is it not merciless on your part to speak
to me like that？ Why do you demand of me a heroism that perhaps you
have not either？ It is despotism； it is tyranny。 If I ruin any one； it
is only myself。。。。 I am not committing a murder。 Why do you look at me
like that？ Why are you so pale？ Rodya； darling； what's the matter？〃
〃Good heavens！ You have made him faint；〃 cried Pulcheria
Alexandrovna。
〃No； no； nonsense！ It's nothing。 A little giddiness… not fainting。
You have fainting on the brain。 H'm； yes； what was I saying？ Oh；
yes。 In what way will you get convincing proof to…day that you can
respect him； and that he。。。 esteems you； as you said。 I think you said
to…day？〃
〃Mother； show Rodya Pyotr Petrov
