crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第5节
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the order of things； but her stockings； her stockings I have sold
for drink！ Her mohair shawl I sold for drink； a present to her long
ago； her own property； not mine； and we live in a cold room and she
caught cold this winter and has begun coughing and spitting blood too。
We have three little children and Katerina Ivanovna is at work from
morning till night； she is scrubbing and cleaning and washing the
children； for she's been used to cleanliness from a child。 But her
chest is weak and she has a tendency to consumption and I feel it！
Do you suppose I don't feel it？ And the more I drink the more I feel
it。 That's why I drink too。 I try to find sympathy and feeling in
drink。。。。 I drink so that I may suffer twice as much！〃 And as though
in despair he laid his head down on the table。
〃Young man；〃 he went on； raising his head again； 〃in your face I
seem to read some trouble of mind。 When you came in I read it； and
that was why I addressed you at once。 For in unfolding to you the
story of my life； I do not wish to make myself a laughing…stock before
these idle listeners； who indeed know all about it already； but I am
looking for a man of feeling and education。 Know then that my wife was
educated in a high…class school for the daughters of noblemen； and
on leaving she danced the shawl dance before the governor and other
personages for which she was presented with a gold medal and a
certificate of merit。 The medal。。。 well； the medal of course was sold…
long ago； hm。。。 but the certificate of merit is in her trunk still and
not long ago she showed it to our landlady。 And although she is most
continually on bad terms with the landlady； yet she wanted to tell
some one or other of her past honours and of the happy days that are
gone。 I don't condemn her for it； I don't blame her； for the one thing
left her is recollection of the past； and all the rest is dust and
ashes。 Yes； yes； she is a lady of spirit； proud and determined。 She
scrubs the floors herself and has nothing but black bread to eat；
but won't allow herself to be treated with disrespect。 That's why
she would not overlook Mr。 Lebeziatnikov's rudeness to her； and so
when he gave her a beating for it； she took to her bed more from the
hurt to her feelings than from the blows。 She was a widow when I
married her； with three children； one smaller than the other。 She
married her first husband； an infantry officer； for love； and ran away
with him from her father's house。 She was exceedingly fond of her
husband； but he gave way to cards； got into trouble and with that he
died。 He used to beat her at the end： and although she paid him
back； of which I have authentic documentary evidence； to this day
she speaks of him with tears and she throws him up to me； and I am
glad； I am glad that； though only in imagination； she should think
of herself as having once been happy。。。。 And she was left at his death
with three children in a wild and remote district where I happened
to be at the time； and she was left in such hopeless poverty that；
although I have seen many ups and downs of all sort； I don't feel
equal to describing it even。 Her relations had all thrown her off。 And
she was proud； too； excessively proud。。。。 And then； honoured sir；
and then； I； being at the time a widower； with a daughter of
fourteen left me by my first wife； offered her my hand； for I could
not bear the sight of such suffering。 You can judge the extremity of
her calamities； that she； a woman of education and culture and
distinguished family； should have consented to be my wife。 But she
did！ Weeping and sobbing and wringing her hands； she married me！ For
she had nowhere to turn！ Do you understand； sir； do you understand
what it means when you have absolutely nowhere to turn？ No； that you
don't understand yet。。。。 And for a whole year； I performed my duties
conscientiously and faithfully； and did not touch this〃 （he tapped the
jug with his finger）； 〃for I have feelings。 But even so； I could not
please her； and then I lost my place too； and that through no fault of
mine but through changes in the office； and then I did touch it！。。。 It
will be a year and a half ago soon since we found ourselves at last
after many wanderings and numerous calamities in this magnificent
capital； adorned with innumerable monuments。 Here I obtained a
situation。。。。 I obtained it and I lost it again。 Do you understand？
This time it was through my own fault I lost it： for my weakness had
come out。。。。 We have now part of a room at Amalia Fyodorovna
Lippevechsel's； and what we live upon and what we pay our rent with； I
could not say。 There are a lot of people living there besides
ourselves。 Dirt and disorder； a perfect Bedlam。。。 hm。。。 yes。。。 And
meanwhile my daughter by my first wife has grown up； and what my
daughter has had to put up with from her step…mother whilst she was
growing up； I won't speak of。 For； though Katerina Ivanovna is full of
generous feelings； she is a spirited lady； irritable and
short…tempered。。。。 Yes。 But it's no use going over that！ Sonia； as you
may well fancy； has had no education。 I did make an effort four
years ago to give her a course of geography and universal history； but
as I was not very well up in those subjects myself and we had no
suitable books； and what books we had。。。 hm； any way we have not
even those now； so all our instruction came to an end。 We stopped at
Cyrus of Persia。 Since she has attained years of maturity； she has
read other books of romantic tendency and of late she had read with
great interest a book she got through Mr。 Lebeziatnikov； Lewes'
Physiology… do you know it？… and even recounted extracts from it to
us： and that's the whole of her education。 And now may I venture to
address you； honoured sir； on my own account with a private
question。 Do you suppose that a respectable poor girl can earn much by
honest work？ Not fifteen farthings a day can she earn； if she is
respectable and has no special talent and that without putting her
work down for an instant！ And what's more； Ivan Ivanitch Klopstock the
civil counsellor… have you heard of him？… has not to this day paid her
for the half…dozen linen shirts she made him and drove her roughly
away； stamping and reviling her； on the pretext that the shirt collars
were not made like the pattern and were put in askew。 And there are
the little ones hungry。。。。 And Katerina Ivanovna walking up and down
and wringing her hands； her cheeks flushed red； as they always are
in that disease： 'Here you live with us；' says she； 'you eat and drink
and are kept warm and you do nothing to help。' And much she gets to
eat and drink when there is not a crust for the little ones for
three days！ I was lying at the time。。。 well； what of it！ I was lying
drunk and I heard my Sonia speaking （she is a gentle creature with a
soft little voice。。。 fair hair and such a pale； thin little face）。 She
said： 'Katerina Ivanovna； am I really to do a thing like that？' And
Darya Frantsovna； a woman of evil character and very well known to the
police； had two or three times tried to get at her through the
landlady。 'And why not？' said Katerina Ivanovna with a jeer； 'you
are something mighty precious to be so careful of！' But don't blame
her； don't blame her； honoured sir； don't blame her！ She was not
herself when she spoke； but driven to distraction by her illness and
the crying of the hungry children； and it was said more to wound her
than anything else。。。。 For that's Katerina Ivanovna's character； and
when children cry； even from hunger； she falls to beating them at
once。 At six o'clock I saw Sonia get up； put on her kerchief and her
cape； and go out of the room and about nine o'clock she came back。 She
walked straight up to Katerina Ivanovna and she laid thirty roubles on
the table before her in silence。 She did not utter a word； she did not
even look at her； she simply picked up our big green drap de dames
shawl （we have a shawl； made of drap de dames）； put it over her head
and face and lay down on the bed with her face to the wall； only her
little shoulders and her body kept
