crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第33节
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coal dust。 Here would be the place to throw it； he thought。 Not seeing
any one in the yard； he slipped in； and at once saw near the gate a
sink； such as is often put in yards where there are many workmen or
cabdrivers； and on the hoarding above had been scribbled in chalk
the time…honoured witticism； 〃Standing here strictly forbidden。〃
This was all the better； for there would be nothing suspicious about
his going in。 〃Here I could throw it all in a heap and get away！〃
Looking round once more； with his hand already in his pocket； he
noticed against the outer wall； between the entrance and the sink； a
big unhewn stone； weighing perhaps sixty pounds。 The other side of the
wall was a street。 He could hear passers…by； always numerous in that
part； but he could not be seen from the entrance； unless some one came
in from the street； which might well happen indeed； so there was
need of haste。
He bent down over the stone； seized the top of it firmly in both
hands； and using all his strength turned it over。 Under the stone
was a small hollow in the ground； and he immediately emptied his
pocket into it。 The purse lay at the top； and yet the hollow was not
filled up。 Then he seized the stone again and with one twist turned it
back； so that it was in the same position again； though it stood a
very little higher。 But he scraped the earth about it and pressed it
at the edges with his foot。 Nothing could be noticed。
Then he went out； and turned into the square。 Again an intense；
almost unbearable joy overwhelmed him for an instant； as it had in the
police office。 〃I have buried my tracks！ And who； who can think of
looking under that stone？ It has been lying there most likely ever
since the house was built； and will lie as many years more。 And if
it were found； who would think of me？ It is all over！ No clue！〃 And he
laughed。 Yes； he remembered that he began laughing a thin； nervous
noiseless laugh； and went on laughing all the time he was crossing the
square。 But when he reached the K___ Boulevard where two days before
he had come upon that girl； his laughter suddenly ceased。 Other
ideas crept into his mind。 He felt all at once that it would be
loathsome to pass that seat on which after the girl was gone； he had
sat and pondered； and that it would be hateful； too； to meet that
whiskered policeman to whom he had given the twenty copecks： 〃Damn
him！〃
He walked； looking about him angrily and distractedly。 All his ideas
now seemed to be circling round some single point； and he felt that
there really was such a point； and that now； now； he was left facing
that point… and for the first time； indeed； during the last two
months。
〃Damn it all！〃 he thought suddenly； in a fit of ungovernable fury。
〃If it has begun； then it has begun。 Hang the new life！ Good Lord； how
stupid it is！。。。 And what lies I told to…day！ How despicably I
fawned upon that wretched Ilya Petrovitch！ But that is all folly！ What
do I care for them all； and my fawning upon them！ It is not that at
all！ It is not that at all！〃
Suddenly he stopped； a new utterly unexpected and exceedingly simple
question perplexed and bitterly confounded him。
〃If it all has really been done deliberately and not idiotically； if
I really had a certain and definite object； how is it I did not even
glance into the purse and don't know what I had there； for which I
have undergone these agonies； and have deliberately undertaken this
base； filthy degrading business？ And here I wanted at once to throw
into the water the purse together with all the things which I had
not seen either。。。 how's that？〃
Yes； that was so； that was all so。 Yet he had known it all before；
and it was not a new question for him； even when it was decided in the
night without hesitation and consideration； as though so it must be；
as though it could not possibly be otherwise。。。。 Yes； he had known
it all； and understood it all； it surely had all been settled even
yesterday at the moment when he was bending over the box and pulling
the jewel…cases out of it。。。。 Yes； so it was。
〃It is because I am very ill；〃 he decided grimly at last； 〃I have
been worrying and fretting myself； and I don't know what I am
doing。。。。 Yesterday and the day before yesterday and all this time I
have been worrying myself。。。。 I shall get well and I shall not
worry。。。。 But what if I don't get well at all？ Good God； how sick I am
of it all！〃
He walked on without resting。 He had a terrible longing for some
distraction； but he did not know what to do； what to attempt。 A new
overwhelming sensation was gaining more and more mastery over him
every moment； this was an immeasurable； almost physical； repulsion for
everything surrounding him； an obstinate； malignant feeling of hatred。
All who met him were loathsome to him… he loathed their faces； their
movements； their gestures。 If any one had addressed him； he felt
that he might have spat at him or bitten him。。。。
He stopped suddenly； on coming out on the bank of the Little Neva；
near the bridge to Vassilyevsky Ostrov。 〃Why； he lives here； in that
house；〃 he thought； 〃why； I have not come to Razumihin of my own
accord！ Here it's the same thing over again。。。。 Very interesting to
know； though； have I come on purpose or have I simply walked here by
chance？ Never mind； I said the day before yesterday that I would go
and see him the day after； well； and so I will！ Besides I really
cannot go further now。〃
He went up to Razumihin's room on the fifth floor。
The latter was at home in his garret； busily writing at the
moment； and he opened the door himself。 It was four months since
they had seen each other。 Razumihin was sitting in a ragged
dressing…gown； with slippers on his bare feet； unkempt； unshaven and
unwashed。 His face showed surprise。
〃Is it you？〃 he cried。 He looked his comrade up and down； then after
a brief pause； he whistled。 〃As hard up as all that！ Why； brother；
you've cut me out！〃 he added； looking at Raskolnikov's rags。 〃Come sit
down； you are tired； I'll be bound。〃
And when he had sunk down on the American leather sofa； which was in
even worse condition than his own； Razumihin saw at once that his
visitor was ill。
〃Why； you are seriously ill； do you know that？〃 He began feeling his
pulse。 Raskolnikov pulled away his hand。
〃Never mind；〃 he said； 〃I have come for this； I have no
lessons。。。。 I wanted。。。 but I don't want lessons。。。。〃
〃But I say！ You are delirious； you know！〃 Razumihin observed；
watching him carefully。
〃No； I am not。〃
Raskolnikov got up from the sofa。 As he had mounted the stairs to
Razumihin's； he had not realised that he would be meeting his friend
face to face。 Now； in a flash； he knew； that what he was least of
all disposed for at that moment was to be face to face with any one in
the wide world。 His spleen rose within him。 He almost choked with rage
at himself as soon as he crossed Razumihin's threshold。
〃Good…bye；〃 he said abruptly； and walked to the door。
〃Stop； stop！ You queer fish。〃
〃I don't want to；〃 said the other； again pulling away his hand。
〃Then why the devil have you come？ Are you mad； or what？ Why； this
is。。。 almost insulting！ I won't let you go like that。〃
〃Well； then； I came to you because I know no one but you who could
help。。。 to begin。。。 because you are kinder than any one… clever； I
mean； and can judge。。。 and now I s
