crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第144节
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myself； for myself alone； and whether I became a benefactor to others；
or spent my life like a spider catching men in my web and sucking
the life out of men； I couldn't have cared at that moment。。。。 And it
was not the money I wanted； Sonia； when I did it。 It was not so much
the money I wanted； but something else。。。。 I know it all now。。。。
Understand me！ Perhaps I should never have committed a murder again。 I
wanted to find out something else； it was something else led me on。
I wanted to find out then and quickly whether I was a louse like
everybody else or a man。 Whether I can step over barriers or not；
whether I dare stoop to pick up or not； whether I am a trembling
creature or whether I have the right。。。〃
〃To kill？ Have the right to kill？〃 Sonia clasped her hands。
〃Ach； Sonia！〃 he cried irritably and seemed about to make some
retort； but was contemptuously silent。 〃Don't interrupt me； Sonia。 I
want to prove one thing only； that the devil led me on then and he has
shown me since that I had not the right to take that path； because I
am just such a louse as all the rest。 He was mocking me and here
I've come to you now！ Welcome your guest！ If I were not a louse；
should I have come to you？ Listen： when I went then to the old woman's
I only went to try。。。。 You may be sure of that！〃
〃And you murdered her！〃
〃But how did I murder her？ Is that how men do murders？ Do men go
to commit a murder as I went then？ I will tell you some day how I
went！ Did I murder the old woman？ I murdered myself； not her！ I
crushed myself once for all； for ever。。。。 But it was the devil that
killed that old woman； not I。 Enough； enough； Sonia； enough！ Let me
be！〃 he cried in a sudden spasm of agony； 〃let me be！〃
He leaned his elbows on his knees and squeezed his head in his hands
as in a vise。
〃What suffering！〃 A wail of anguish broke from Sonia。
〃Well； what am I to do now？〃 he asked； suddenly raising his head and
looking at her with a face hideously distorted by despair。
〃What are you to do？〃 she cried； jumping up； and her eyes that had
been full of tears suddenly began to shine。 〃Stand up！〃 （She seized
him by the shoulder； he got up； looking at her almost bewildered。） 〃Go
at once； this very minute； stand at the cross…roads； bow down； first
kiss the earth which you have defiled and then bow down to all the
world and say to all men aloud； 'I am a murderer！' Then God will
send you life again。 Will you go； will you go？〃 she asked him；
trembling all over； snatching his two hands； squeezing them tight in
hers and gazing at him with eyes full of fire。
He was amazed at her sudden ecstasy。
〃You mean Siberia； Sonia？ I must give myself up？〃 he asked gloomily。
〃Suffer and expiate your sin by it； that's what you must do。〃
〃No！ I am not going to them； Sonia！〃
〃But how will you go on living？ What will you live for？〃 cried
Sonia； 〃how is it possible now？ Why； how can you talk to your
mother？ （Oh； what will become of them now！） But what am I saying？
You have abandoned your mother and your sister already。 He has
abandoned them already！ Oh； God！〃 she cried； 〃why； he knows it all
himself。 How； how can he live by himself！ What will become of you
now？〃
〃Don't be a child； Sonia；〃 he said softly。 〃What wrong have I done
them？ Why should I go to them？ What should I say to them？ That's
only a phantom。。。。 They destroy men by millions themselves and look on
it as a virtue。 They are knaves and scoundrels； Sonia！ I am not
going to them。 And what should I say to them… that I murdered her； but
did not dare to take the money and hid it under a stone？〃 he added
with a bitter smile。 〃Why； they would laugh at me； and would call me a
fool for not getting it。 A coward and a fool！ They wouldn't understand
and they don't deserve to understand。 Why should I go to them？ I
won't。 Don't be a child； Sonia。。。。〃
〃It will be too much for you to bear； too much！〃 she repeated；
holding out her hands in despairing supplication。
〃Perhaps I've been unfair to myself；〃 he observed gloomily；
pondering； 〃perhaps after all I am a man and not a louse and I've been
in too great a hurry to condemn myself。 I'll make another fight for
it。〃
A haughty smile appeared on his lips。
〃What a burden to bear！ And your whole life； your whole life！〃
〃I shall get used to it；〃 he said grimly and thoughtfully。 〃Listen；〃
he began a minute later； 〃stop crying； it's time to talk of the facts：
I've come to tell you that the police are after me； on my track。。。。〃
〃Ach！〃 Sonia cried in terror。
〃Well； why do you cry out？ You want me to go to Siberia and now
you are frightened？ But let me tell you： I shall not give myself up。 I
shall make a struggle for it and they won't do anything to me。 They've
no real evidence。 Yesterday I was in great danger and believed I was
lost； but to…day things are going better。 All the facts they know
can be explained two ways； that's to say I can turn their
accusations to my credit； do you understand？ And I shall； for I've
learnt my lesson。 But they will certainly arrest me。 If it had not
been for something that happened； they would have done so to…day for
certain； perhaps even now they will arrest me to…day。。。。 But that's no
matter； Sonia； they'll let me out again。。。 for there isn't any real
proof against me； and there won't be； I give you my word for it。 And
they can't convict a man on what they have against me。 Enough。。。。 I
only tell you that you may know。。。。 I will try to manage somehow to
put it to my mother and sister so that they won't be frightened。。。。 My
sister's future is secure； however； now； I believe。。。 and my
mother's must be too。。。。 Well； that's all。 Be careful； though。 Will
you come and see me in prison when I am there？〃
〃Oh； I will； I will。〃
They sat side by side； both mournful and dejected； as though they
had been cast up by the tempest alone on some deserted shore。 He
looked at Sonia and felt how great was her love for him； and strange
to say he felt it suddenly burdensome and painful to be so loved。 Yes；
it was a strange and awful sensation！ On his way to see Sonia he had
felt that all his hopes rested on her； he expected to be rid of at
least part of his suffering； and now； when all her heart turned
towards him； he suddenly felt that he was immeasurably unhappier
than before。
〃Sonia；〃 he said； 〃you'd better not come and see me when I am in
prison。〃
Sonia did not answer； she was crying。 Several minutes passed。
〃Have you a cross on you？〃 she asked； as though suddenly thinking of
it。
He did not at first understand the question。
〃No； of course not。 Here； take this one； of cypress wood。 I have
another； a copper one that belonged to Lizaveta。 I changed with
Lizaveta： she gave me her cross and I gave her my little ikon。 I
will wear Lizaveta's now and give you this。 Take it。。。 it's mine！ It's
mine； you know；〃 she begged him。 〃We will go to suffer together； and
together we will bear our cross！〃
〃Give it me；〃 said Raskolnikov。
He did not want to hurt her feelings。 But immediately he drew back
the hand he held out for the cross。
〃Not now； Sonia。 Better later；〃 he added to comfort her。
〃Yes； yes； better；〃 she repeated with conviction； 〃when you go to
meet your suffering； then put it o
