crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第143节
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and was forced for a time to leave it。 Even if I had lingered on
like that； in ten or twelve years I might （with luck） hope to be
some sort of teacher or clerk with a salary of a thousand roubles〃 （he
repeated it as though it were a lesson） 〃and by that time my mother
would be worn out with grief and anxiety and I could not succeed in
keeping her in comfort while my sister。。。 well； my sister might well
have fared worse！ And it's a hard thing to pass everything by all
one's life； to turn one's back upon everything； to forget one's mother
and decorously accept the insults inflicted on one's sister。 Why
should one？ When one has buried them to burden oneself with others…
wife and children… and to leave them again without a farthing？ So I
resolved to gain possession of the old woman's money and to use it for
my first years without worrying my mother； to keep myself at the
university and for a little while after leaving it… and to do this all
on a broad； thorough scale； so as to build up a completely new
career and enter upon a new life of independence。。。。 Well。。。 that's
all。。。。 Well； of course in killing the old woman I did wrong。。。。 Well；
that's enough。〃
He struggled to the end of his speech in exhaustion and let his head
sink。
〃Oh； that's not it； that's not it；〃 Sonia cried in distress。 〃How
could one。。。 no； that's not right； not right。〃
〃You see yourself that it's not right。 But I've spoken truly； it's
the truth。〃
〃As though that could be the truth！ Good God！〃
〃I've only killed a louse； Sonia； a useless； loathsome； harmful
creature。〃
〃A human being… a louse！〃
〃I too know it wasn't a louse；〃 he answered； looking strangely at
her。 〃But I am talking nonsense； Sonia；〃 he added。 〃I've been
talking nonsense a long time。。。。 That's not it； you are right there。
There were quite； quite other causes for it！ I haven't talked to
anyone for so long； Sonia。。。。 My head aches dreadfully now。〃
His eyes shone with feverish brilliance。 He was almost delirious； an
uneasy smile strayed on his lips。 His terrible exhaustion could be
seen through his excitement。 Sonia saw how he was suffering。 She too
was growing dizzy。 And he talked so strangely； it seemed somehow
comprehensible； but yet。。。 〃But how； how！ Good God！〃 And she wrung her
hands in despair。
〃No； Sonia； that's not it；〃 he began again suddenly； raising his
head； as though a new and sudden train of thought had struck and as it
were roused him… 〃that's not it！ Better。。。 imagine… yes； it's
certainly better… imagine that I am vain； envious； malicious； base；
vindictive and。。。 well； perhaps with a tendency to insanity。 （Let's
have it all out at once！ They've talked of madness already； I
noticed。） I told you just now I could not keep myself at the
university。 But do you know that perhaps I might have done？ My
mother would have sent me what I needed for the fees and I could
have earned enough for clothes； boots and food； no doubt。 Lessons
had turned up at half a rouble。 Razumihin works！ But I turned sulky
and wouldn't。 （Yes； sulkiness； that's the right word for it！） I sat in
my room like a spider。 You've been in my den； you've seen it。。。。 And
do you know； Sonia； that low ceilings and tiny rooms cramp the soul
and the mind？ Ah； how I hated that garret！ And yet I wouldn't go out
of it！ I wouldn't on purpose！ I didn't go out for days together； and I
wouldn't work； I wouldn't even eat； I just lay there doing nothing。 If
Nastasya brought me anything； I ate it； if she didn't； I went all
day without； I wouldn't ask； on purpose； from sulkiness！ At night I
had no light； I lay in the dark and I wouldn't earn money for candles。
I ought to have studied； but I sold my books； and the dust lies an
inch thick on the notebooks on my table。 I preferred lying still and
thinking。 And I kept thinking。。。。 And I had dreams all the time；
strange dreams of all sorts； no need to describe！ Only then I began to
fancy that。。。 No； that's not it！ Again I am telling you wrong！ You see
I kept asking myself then： why am I so stupid that if others are
stupid… and I know they are… yet I won't be wiser？ Then I saw；
Sonia； that if one waits for every one to get wiser it will take too
long。。。。 Afterwards I understood that that would never come to pass；
that men won't change and that nobody can alter it and that it's not
worth wasting effort over it。 Yes； that's so。 That's the law of
their nature； Sonia；。。。 that's so！。。。 And I know now； Sonia； that
whoever is strong in mind and spirit will have power over them。 Anyone
who is greatly daring is right in their eyes。 He who despises most
things will be a lawgiver among them and he who dares most of all will
be most in the right！ So it has been till now and so it will always
be。 A man must be blind not to see it！〃
Though Raskolnikov looked at Sonia as he said this； he no longer
cared whether she understood or not。 The fever had complete hold of
him； he was in a sort of gloomy ecstasy （he certainly had been too
long without talking to anyone）。 Sonia felt that his gloomy creed
had become his faith and code。
〃I divined then； Sonia；〃 he went on eagerly； 〃that power is only
vouchsafed to the man who dares to stoop and pick it up。 There is only
one thing； one thing needful： one has only to dare！ Then for the first
time in my life an idea took shape in my mind which no one had ever
thought of before me； no one！ I saw clear as daylight how strange it
is that not a single person living in this mad world has had the
daring to go straight for it all and send it flying to the devil！ I。。。
I wanted to have the daring。。。 and I killed her。 I only wanted to have
the daring； Sonia！ That was the whole cause of it！〃
〃Oh hush； hush；〃 cried Sonia； clasping her hands。 〃You turned away
from God and God has smitten you； has given you over to the devil！〃
〃Then Sonia； when I used to lie there in the dark and all this
became clear to me； was it a temptation of the devil； eh？〃
〃Hush； don't laugh； blasphemer！ You don't understand； you don't
understand！ Oh God！ He won't understand！〃
〃Hush； Sonia！ I am not laughing。 I know myself that it was the devil
leading me。 Hush； Sonia； hush！〃 he repeated with gloomy insistence。 〃I
know it all； I have thought it all over and over and whispered it
all over to myself； lying there in the dark。。。。 I've argued it all
over with myself； every point of it； and I know it all； all！ And how
sick； how sick I was then of going over it all！ I have kept wanting to
forget it and make a new beginning； Sonia； and leave off thinking。 And
you don't suppose that I went into it headlong like a fool？ I went
into it like a wise man； and that was just my destruction。 And you
mustn't suppose that I didn't know； for instance； that if I began to
question myself whether I had the right to gain power… I certainly
hadn't the right… or that if I asked myself whether a human being is a
louse it proved that it wasn't so for me； though it might be for a man
who would go straight to his goal without asking questions。。。。 If I
worried myself all those days； wondering whether Napoleon would have
done it or not； I felt clearly of course that I wasn't Napoleon。 I had
to endure all the agony of that battle of ideas； Sonia； and I longed
to throw it off： I wanted to murder without casuistry； to murder for
my own sake； for myself alone！ I didn't want to lie about it even to
myself。 It wasn't to help my mother I did the murder… that's nonsense…
I didn't do the murder to gain wealth and power and to become a
benefactor of mankind。 Nonsense！ I simply did it； I did the murder for
myself； for myself alone； and whether I became a benefactor to others；
or spent my life like a spider cat
