crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第14节
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it？ Is it any use？ Is there sense in it？ And let me tell you；
Dounia； Sonia's life is no worse than life with Mr。 Luzhin。 'There can
be no question of love' mother writes。 And what if there can be no
respect either； if on the contrary there is aversion； contempt；
repulsion； what then？ So you will have to 'keep up your appearance；'
too。 Is that not so？ Do you understand what that smartness means？ Do
you understand that the Luzhin smartness is just the same thing as
Sonia's and may be worse； viler； baser； because in your case；
Dounia； it's a bargain for luxuries； after all； but with Sonia it's
simply a question of starvation。 It has to be paid for； it has to be
paid for； Dounia； this smartness。 And what if it's more than you can
bear afterwards； if you regret it？ The bitterness； the misery； the
curses； the tears hidden from all the world； for you are not a Marfa
Petrovna。 And how will your mother feel then？ Even now she is
uneasy； she is worried； but then； when she sees it all clearly？ And I？
Yes； indeed； what have you taken me for？ I won't have your
sacrifice； Dounia； I won't have it； mother！ It shall not be； so long
as I am alive； it shall not； it shall not！ I won't accept it！〃
He suddenly paused in his reflection and stood still。
〃It shall not be？ But what are you going to do to prevent it？ You'll
forbid it？ And what right have you？ What can you promise them on your
side to give you such a right？ Your whole life； your whole future； you
will devote to them when you have finished your studies and obtained a
post？ Yes； we have heard all that before； and that's all words； but
now？ Now something must be done； now； do you understand that？ And what
are you doing now？ You are living upon them。 They borrow on their
hundred roubles pension。 They borrow from the Svidrigailovs。 How are
you going to save them from Svidrigailovs； from Afanasy Ivanovitch
Vahrushin； oh； future millionaire Zeus who would arrange their lives
for them？ In another ten years？ In another ten years； mother will be
blind with knitting shawls； maybe with weeping too。 She will be worn
to a shadow with fasting； and my sister？ Imagine for a moment what may
have become of your sister in ten years？ What may happen to her during
those ten years？ Can you fancy？〃
So he tortured himself； fretting himself with such questions； and
finding a kind of enjoyment in it。 And yet all these questions were
not new ones suddenly confronting him； they were old familiar aches。
It was long since they had first begun to grip and rend his heart。
Long； long ago his present anguish had its first beginnings； it had
waxed and gathered strength； it had matured and concentrated； until it
had taken the form of a fearful； frenzied and fantastic question；
which tortured his heart and mind； clamouring insistently for an
answer。 Now his mother's letter had burst on him like a thunderclap。
It was clear that he must not now suffer passively； worrying himself
over unsolved questions； but that he must do something； do it at once；
and do it quickly。 Anyway he must decide on something； or else。。。
〃Or throw up life altogether！〃 he cried suddenly； in a frenzy…
〃accept one's lot humbly as it is； once for all and stifle
everything in oneself； giving up all claim to activity； life and
love！〃
〃Do you understand； sir； do you understand what it means when you
have absolutely nowhere to turn？〃 Marmeladov's question came
suddenly into his mind 〃for every man must have somewhere to turn。。。〃
He gave a sudden start； another thought； that he had had
yesterday； slipped back into his mind。 But he did not start at the
thought recurring to him； for he knew； he had felt beforehand； that it
must come back； he was expecting it； besides it was not only
yesterday's thought。 The difference was that a month ago； yesterday
even； the thought was a mere dream： but now。。。 now it appeared not a
dream at all； it had taken a new menacing and quite unfamiliar
shape； and he suddenly became aware of this himself。。。。 He felt a
hammering in his head； and there was a darkness before his eyes。
He looked round hurriedly； he was searching for something。 He wanted
to sit down and was looking for a seat； he was walking along the K____
Boulevard。 There was a seat about a hundred paces in front of him。
He walked towards it as fast he could； but on the way he met with a
little adventure which absorbed all his attention。 Looking for the
seat； he had noticed a woman walking some twenty paces in front of
him； but at first he took no more notice of her than of other
objects that crossed his path。 It had happened to him many times going
home not to notice the road by which he was going； and he was
accustomed to walk like that。 But there was at first sight something
so strange about the woman in front of him； that gradually his
attention was riveted upon her； at first reluctantly and； as it
were； resentfully； and then more and more intently。 He felt a sudden
desire to find out what it was that was so strange about the woman。 In
the first place； she appeared to be a girl quite young； and she was
walking in the great heat bareheaded and with no parasol or gloves；
waving her arms about in an absurd way。 She had on a dress of some
light silky material； but put on strangely awry； not properly hooked
up； and torn open at the top of the skirt； close to the waist： a great
piece was rent and hanging loose。 A little kerchief was flung about
her bare throat； but lay slanting on one side。 The girl was walking
unsteadily； too； stumbling and staggering from side to side。 She
drew Raskolnikov's whole attention at last。 He overtook the girl at
the seat； but； on reaching it； she dropped down on it； in the
corner； she let her head sink on the back of the seat and closed her
eyes； apparently in extreme exhaustion。 Looking at her closely； he saw
at once that she was completely drunk。 It was a strange and shocking
sight。 He could hardly believe that he was not mistaken。 He saw before
him the face of a quite young； fair…haired girl… sixteen； perhaps
not more than fifteen years old； pretty little face； but flushed and
heavy looking and； as it were； swollen。 The girl seemed hardly to know
what she was doing； she crossed one leg over the other； lifting it
indecorously； and showed every sign of being unconscious that she
was in the street。
Raskolnikov did not sit down； but he felt unwilling to leave her；
and stood facing her in perplexity。 This boulevard was never much
frequented； and now； at two o'clock； in the stifling heat； it was
quite deserted。 And yet on the further side of the boulevard； about
fifteen paces away； a gentleman was standing on the edge of the
pavement； he； too； would apparently have liked to approach the girl
with some object of his own。 He； too； had probably seen her in the
distance and had followed her； but found Raskolnikov in his way。 He
looked angrily at him； though he tried to escape his notice； and stood
impatiently biding his time； till the unwelcome man in rags should
have moved away。 His intentions were unmistakable。 The gentleman was a
plump； thickly…set man； about thirty； fashionably dressed； with a high
colour； red lips and moustaches。 Raskolnikov felt furious； he had a
sudden longing to insult this fat dandy in some way。 He left the
girl for a moment and walked towards the gentleman。
〃Hey！ You Svidrigailov！ What do you want here？〃 he shouted；
clenching his fists and laughing； spluttering with rage。
〃What do you mean？〃 the gentleman asked sternly； scowling in haughty
astonishment。
〃Get away； that's what I mean。〃
〃How dare you； you low fellow！〃
He raised his cane。 Raskolnikov rushed at him with his fists；
without reflecting that the stout gentleman was a match for two men
like himself。 But at that instant
