lavengro-第86节

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different　objects。



'I　dressed　myself　and　went　down；　determining　to　set　about　

something；　but　what　was　I　to　do？　…　there　was　the　difficulty。　　I　ate　

no　breakfast；　but　walked　about　the　room　in　a　state　of　distraction；　

at　last　I　thought　that　the　easiest　way　to　do　something　was　to　get　

into　Parliament；　there　would　be　no　difficulty　in　that。　　I　had　

plenty　of　money；　and　could　buy　a　seat；　but　what　was　I　to　do　in　

Parliament？　　Speak；　of　course　…　but　could　I　speak？　　〃I'll　try　at　

once；〃　said　I；　and　forthwith　I　rushed　into　the　largest　dining…room；　

and；　locking　the　door；　I　commenced　speaking：　　〃Mr。　Speaker；〃　said　

I；　and　then　I　went　on　speaking　for　about　ten　minutes　as　I　best　

could；　and　then　I　left　off；　for　I　was　talking　nonsense。　　No；　I　was　

not　formed　for　Parliament；　I　could　do　nothing　there。　　What　…　what　

was　I　to　do？



'Many；　many　times　I　thought　this　question　over；　but　was　unable　to　

solve　it；　a　fear　now　stole　over　me　that　I　was　unfit　for　anything　in　

the　world；　save　the　lazy　life　of　vegetation　which　I　had　for　many　

years　been　leading；　yet；　if　that　were　the　case；　thought　I；　why　the　

craving　within　me　to　distinguish　myself？　　Surely　it　does　not　occur　

fortuitously；　but　is　intended　to　rouse　and　call　into　exercise　

certain　latent　powers　that　I　possess？　and　then　with　infinite　

eagerness　I　set　about　attempting　to　discover　these　latent　powers。　　

I　tried　an　infinity　of　pursuits；　botany　and　geology　amongst　the　

rest；　but　in　vain；　I　was　fitted　for　none　of　them。　　I　became　very　

sorrowful　and　despondent；　and　at　one　time　I　had　almost　resolved　to　

plunge　again　into　the　whirlpool　of　dissipation；　it　was　a　dreadful　

resource；　it　was　true；　but　what　better　could　I　do？



'But　I　was　not　doomed　to　return　to　the　dissipation　of　the　world。　　

One　morning　a　young　nobleman；　who　had　for　some　time　past　showed　a　

wish　to　cultivate　my　acquaintance；　came　to　me　in　a　considerable　

hurry。　　〃I　am　come　to　beg　an　important　favour　of　you；〃　said　he；　

〃one　of　the　county　memberships　is　vacant　…　I　intend　to　become　a　

candidate；　what　I　want　immediately　is　a　spirited　address　to　the　

electors。　　I　have　been　endeavouring　to　frame　one　all　the　morning；　

but　in　vain；　I　have；　therefore；　recourse　to　you　as　a　person　of　

infinite　genius；　pray；　my　dear　friend；　concoct　me　one　by　the　

morning！〃　　〃What　you　require　of　me；〃　I　replied；　〃is　impossible；　I　

have　not　the　gift　of　words；　did　I　possess　it　I　would　stand　for　the　

county　myself；　but　I　can't　speak。　　Only　the　other　day　I　attempted　

to　make　a　speech；　but　left　off　suddenly；　utterly　ashamed；　although　

I　was　quite　alone；　of　the　nonsense　I　was　uttering。〃　　〃It　is　not　a　

speech　that　I　want；〃　said　my　friend；　〃I　can　talk　for　three　hours　

without　hesitating；　but　I　want　an　address　to　circulate　through　the　

county；　and　I　find　myself　utterly　incompetent　to　put　one　together；　

do　oblige　me　by　writing　one　for　me；　I　know　you　can；　and；　if　at　any　

time　you　want　a　person　to　speak　for　you；　you　may　command　me　not　for　

three　but　for　six　hours。　　Good…morning；　to…morrow　I　will　breakfast　

with　you。'　　In　the　morning　he　came　again。　　〃Well；〃　said　he；　〃what　

success？〃　　〃Very　poor；〃　said　I；　〃but　judge　for　yourself〃；　and　I　put　

into　his　hand　a　manuscript　of　several　pages。　　My　friend　read　it　

through　with　considerable　attention。　　〃I　congratulate　you；〃　said　

he；　〃and　likewise　myself；　I　was　not　mistaken　in　my　opinion　of　you；　

the　address　is　too　long　by　at　least　two…thirds；　or　I　should　rather　

say；　that　it　is　longer　by　two…thirds　than　addresses　generally　are；　

but　it　will　do　…　I　will　not　curtail　it　of　a　word。　　I　shall　win　my　

election。〃　　And　in　truth　he　did　win　his　election；　and　it　was　not　

only　his　own　but　the　general　opinion　that　he　owed　it　to　the　

address。



'But；　however　that　might　be；　I　had；　by　writing　the　address；　at　last　

discovered　what　had　so　long　eluded　my　search　…　what　I　was　able　to　

do。　　I；　who　had　neither　the　nerve　nor　the　command　of　speech　

necessary　to　constitute　the　orator　…　who　had　not　the　power　of　

patient　research　required　by　those　who　would　investigate　the　

secrets　of　nature；　had；　nevertheless；　a　ready　pen　and　teeming　

imagination。　　This　discovery　decided　my　fate　…　from　that　moment　I　

became　an　author。'







CHAPTER　LXVI







Trepidations　…　Subtle　principle　…　Perverse　imagination　…　Are　they　

mine？　…　Another　book　…　How　hard！　…　Agricultural　dinner　…　

Incomprehensible　actions　…　Inmost　bosom　…　Give　it　up　…　Chance　

resemblance　…　Rascally　newspaper。



'AN　author；'　said　I；　addressing　my　host；　'is　it　possible　that　I　am　

under　the　roof　of　an　author？'



'Yes；'　said　my　host；　sighing；　'my　name　is　so　and　so；　and　I　am　the　

author　of　so　and　so；　it　is　more　than　probable　that　you　have　heard　

both　of　my　name　and　works。　　I　will　not　detain　you　much　longer　with　

my　history；　the　night　is　advancing；　and　the　storm　appears　to　be　

upon　the　increase。　　My　life　since　the　period　of　my　becoming　an　

author　may　be　summed　briefly　as　an　almost　uninterrupted　series　of　

doubts；　anxieties；　and　trepidations。　　I　see　clearly　that　it　is　not　

good　to　love　anything　immoderately　in　this　world；　but　it　has　been　

my　misfortune　to　love　immoderately　everything　on　which　I　have　set　

my　heart。　　This　is　not　good；　I　repeat　…　but　where　is　the　remedy？　　

The　ancients　were　always　in　the　habit　of　saying；　〃Practise　

moderation；〃　but　the　ancients　appear　to　have　considered　only　one　

portion　of　the　subject。　　It　is　very　possible　to　practise　moderation　

in　some　things；　in　drink　and　the　like　…　to　restrain　the　appetites　…　

but　can　a　man　restrain　the　affections　of　his　mind；　and　tell　them；　

so　far　you　shall　go；　and　no　farther？　　Alas；　no！　for　the　mind　is　a　

subtle　principle；　and　cannot　be　confined。　　The　winds　may　be　

imprisoned；　Homer　says　that　Odysseus　carried　certain　winds　in　his　

ship；　confined　in　leathern　bags；　but　Homer　never　speaks　of　

confining　the　affections。　　It　were　but　right　that　those　who　exhort　

us　against　inordinate　affections；　and　setting　our　hearts　too　much　

upon　the　world　and　its　vanities；　would　tell　us　how　to　avoid　doing　

so。



'I　need　scarcely　tell　you　that　no　sooner　did　I　become　an　author　

than　I　gave　myself　up　immoderately　to　my　vocation。　　It　became　my　

idol；　and；　as　a　necessary　consequence；　it　has　proved　a　source　of　

misery　and　disquietude　to　me；　instead　of　pleasure　and　blessing。　　I　

had　trouble　enough　in　writing　my　first　work；　and　I　was　not　long　in　

discovering　that　it　was　one　thing　to　write　a　stirring　and　spirited　

address　to　a　set　of　county　electors；　and　another　widely　different　

to　produce　a　work　at　all　calculated　to　make　an　impression　upon　the　

great　world。　　I　felt；　however；　that　I　was　in　my　proper　sphere；　and　

by　dint　of　unwearied　diligence　and　exertion　I　succeeded　in　evolving　

from　the　depths　of　my　agitated　breast　a　work　which；　though　it　did　

not　exactly　please　me；　I　thought　would　serve　to　make　an　experiment　

upon　the　public；　so　I　laid　it　before　the　public；　and　the　reception　

which　it　met　with　was　far　beyond　my　wildest　expectations。　　The　

public　were　delighted　with　it；　but　what　were　my　feelings？　　

Anything；　alas！　but　those　of　delight。　　No　sooner　did　the　public　

express　its　satisfaction　at　the　result　of　my　endeavours；　than　my　

perverse　imagination　began　to　conceive　a　thousand　chimerical　

doubts；　forthwith　I　sat　down　to　analyse　it；　and　my　worst　enemy；　and　

all　people　have　their　enemies；　especially　authors　…　my　worst　enemy　

could　not　have　discovered　or　sought　to　discover　a　tenth　part　of　the　

faults　which　I；　the　author　and　creator　of　the　unfortunate　

production；　found　or　sought　to　find　in　it。　　It　has　been　said　that　

love　makes　us　blind　to　the　faults　of　the　loved　object　…　common　love　

does；　perhaps　…　the　love　of　a　father　to　his　child；　or　that　of　a　

lover　to　his　mistress；　but　not　the　inordinate　love　of　an　author　to　

his　works；　at　least　not　the　love　which　one　like　myself　bears　to　his　

works：　　to　be　brief；　I　discovered　a　thousand　faults　in　my　work；　

which　neither　public　nor　critics　discovered。　　However；　I　was　

beginning　to　get　over　this　misery；　and　to　forgive　my　work　all　its　

imperfections；　when　…　and　I　shake　when　I　mention　it　…　the　same　kind　

of　idea　which　perplexed　me　with　regard　to　the　hawks　and　the　gypsy　

pony　rushed　into　my　mind；　and　I　forthwith　commenced　touching　the　

objects　around　me；　in　order　to　baffle　the　evil　chance；　as　you　call　

it；　it　was　neither　more　nor　less　than　a　doubt　of　the　legality　of　my　

claim　to　the　thoughts；　expressions；　and　situations　contained　in　the　

book；　that　is；　to　all　that　constituted　the　book。　　How　did　I　get　

them？　　How　did　they　come　into　my　mind？　　Did　I　invent　them？　　Did　

they　originate　with　myself？　　Are　they　my　own；　or　are　they　some　

other　body's？　　You　see　into　what　difficulty　I　had　got；　I　won't　

trouble　you　by　relating　all　that　I　endured　at　that　time；　but　will　

merely　say　that　after　eating　my　own　heart；　as　the　Italians　say；　and　

touching　every　object　that　came　in　my　way　for　six　months；　I　at　

length　flung　my　book；　I　mean　the　copy　of　it　which