lavengro-第103节

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say　what　it　was；　as　I　sat　with　greedy　ears　listening　to　their　

discourse。



'I　lay　awake　the　greater　part　of　the　night　musing　upon　what　I　had　

heard。　　I　kept　wondering　to　myself　what　must　be　the　state　of　a　

person　who　had　committed　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost；　and　how　he　

must　feel。　　Once　or　twice　I　felt　a　strong　inclination　to　commit　it；　

a　strange　kind　of　fear；　however；　prevented　me；　at　last　I　determined　

not　to　commit　it；　and；　having　said　my　prayers；　I　fell　asleep。



'When　I　awoke　in　the　morning　the　first　thing　I　thought　of　was　the　

mysterious　sin；　and　a　voice　within　me　seemed　to　say；　〃Commit　it〃；　

and　I　felt　a　strong　temptation　to　do　so；　even　stronger　than　in　the　

night。　　I　was　just　about　to　yield；　when　the　same　dread；　of　which　I　

have　already　spoken；　came　over　me；　and；　springing　out　of　bed；　I　

went　down　on　my　knees。　　I　slept　in　a　small　room　alone；　to　which　I　

ascended　by　a　wooden　stair；　open　to　the　sky。　　I　have　often　thought　

since　that　it　is　not　a　good　thing　for　children　to　sleep　alone。



'After　breakfast　I　went　to　school；　and　endeavoured　to　employ　myself　

upon　my　tasks；　but　all　in　vain；　I　could　think　of　nothing　but　the　

sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost；　my　eyes；　instead　of　being　fixed　upon　my　

book；　wandered　in　vacancy。　　My　master　observed　my　inattention；　and　

chid　me。　　The　time　came　for　saying　my　task；　and　I　had　not　acquired　

it。　　My　master　reproached　me；　and；　yet　more；　he　beat　me；　I　felt　

shame　and　anger；　and　I　went　home　with　a　full　determination　to　

commit　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost。



'But　when　I　got　home　my　father　ordered　me　to　do　something　connected　

with　the　farm；　so　that　I　was　compelled　to　exert　myself；　I　was　

occupied　till　night；　and　was　so　busy　that　I　almost　forgot　the　sin　

and　my　late　resolution。　　My　work　completed；　I　took　my　supper；　and　

went　to　my　room；　I　began　my　prayers；　and；　when　they　were　ended；　I　

thought　of　the　sin；　but　the　temptation　was　slight；　I　felt　very　

tired；　and　was　presently　asleep。



'Thus；　you　see；　I　had　plenty　of　time　allotted　me　by　a　gracious　and　

kind　God　to　reflect　on　what　I　was　about　to　do。　　He　did　not　permit　

the　enemy　of　souls　to　take　me　by　surprise；　and　to　hurry　me　at　once　

into　the　commission　of　that　which　was　to　be　my　ruin　here　and　

hereafter。　　Whatever　I　did　was　of　my　own　free　will；　after　I　had　had　

time　to　reflect。　　Thus　God　is　justified；　He　had　no　hand　in　my　

destruction；　but；　on　the　contrary；　He　did　all　that　was　compatible　

with　justice　to　prevent　it。　　I　hasten　to　the　fatal　moment。　　Awaking　

in　the　night；　I　determined　that　nothing　should　prevent　my　

committing　the　sin。　　Arising　from　my　bed；　I　went　out　upon　the　

wooden　gallery；　and　having　stood　for　a　few　moments　looking　at　the　

stars；　with　which　the　heavens　were　thickly　strewn；　I　laid　myself　

down；　and　supporting　my　face　with　my　hand；　I　murmured　out　words　of　

horror；　words　not　to　be　repeated；　and　in　this　manner　I　committed　

the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost。



'When　the　words　were　uttered　I　sat　up　upon　the　topmost　step　of　the　

gallery；　for　some　time　I　felt　stunned　in　somewhat　the　same　manner　

as　I　once　subsequently　felt　after　being　stung　by　an　adder。　　I　soon　

arose；　however；　and　retired　to　my　bed；　where；　notwithstanding　what　

I　had　done；　I　was　not　slow　in　falling　asleep。



'I　awoke　several　times　during　the　night；　each　time　with　the　dim　

idea　that　something　strange　and　monstrous　had　occurred；　but　I　

presently　fell　asleep　again；　in　the　morning　I　awoke　with　the　same　

vague　feeling；　but　presently　recollection　returned；　and　I　

remembered　that　I　had　committed　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost。　　I　

lay　musing　for　some　time　on　what　I　had　done；　and　I　felt　rather　

stunned；　as　before；　at　last　I　arose　and　got　out　of　bed；　dressed　

myself；　and　then　went　down　on　my　knees；　and　was　about　to　pray　from　

the　force　of　mechanical　habit；　before　I　said　a　word；　however；　I　

recollected　myself；　and　got　up　again。　　What　was　the　use　of　praying？　　

I　thought；　I　had　committed　the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost。



'I　went　to　school；　but　sat　stupefied。　　I　was　again　chidden；　again　

beaten；　by　my　master。　　I　felt　no　anger　this　time；　and　scarcely　

heeded　the　strokes。　　I　looked；　however；　at　my　master's　face；　and　

thought　to　myself；　you　are　beating　me　for　being　idle；　as　you　

suppose；　poor　man；　what　would　you　do　if　you　knew　I　had　committed　

the　sin　against　the　Holy　Ghost？



'Days　and　weeks　passed　by。　　I　had　once　been　cheerful；　and　fond　of　

the　society　of　children　of　my　own　age；　but　I　was　now　reserved　and　

gloomy。　　It　seemed　to　me　that　a　gulf　separated　me　from　all　my　

fellow…creatures。　　I　used　to　look　at　my　brothers　and　schoolfellows；　

and　think　how　different　I　was　from　them；　they　had　not　done　what　I　

had。　　I　seemed；　in　my　own　eyes；　a　lone　monstrous　being；　and　yet；　

strange　to　say；　I　felt　a　kind　of　pride　in　being　so。　　I　was　unhappy；　

but　I　frequently　thought　to　myself；　I　have　done　what　no　one　else　

would　dare　to　do；　there　was　something　grand　in　the　idea；　I　had　yet　

to　learn　the　horror　of　my　condition。



'Time　passed　on；　and　I　began　to　think　less　of　what　I　had　done；　I　

began　once　more　to　take　pleasure　in　my　childish　sports；　I　was　

active；　and　excelled　at　football　and　the　like　all　the　lads　of　my　

age。　　I　likewise　began；　what　I　had　never　done　before；　to　take　

pleasure　in　the　exercises　of　the　school。　　I　made　great　progress　in　

Welsh　and　English　grammar；　and　learnt　to　construe　Latin。　　My　master　

no　longer　chid　or　beat　me；　but　one　day　told　my　father　that　he　had　

no　doubt　that　one　day　I　should　be　an　honour　to　Wales。



'Shortly　after　this　my　father　fell　sick；　the　progress　of　the　

disorder　was　rapid；　feeling　his　end　approaching；　he　called　his　

children　before　him。　　After　tenderly　embracing　us；　he　said　〃God　

bless　you；　my　children；　I　am　going　from　you；　but　take　comfort；　I　

trust　that　we　shall　all　meet　again　in　heaven。'



'As　he　uttered　these　last　words；　horror　took　entire　possession　of　

me。　　Meet　my　father　in　heaven；　…　how　could　I　ever　hope　to　meet　him　

there？　　I　looked　wildly　at　my　brethren　and　at　my　mother；　they　were　

all　bathed　in　tears；　but　how　I　envied　them。　　They　might　hope　to　

meet　my　father　in　heaven；　but　how　different　were　they　from　me；　they　

had　never　committed　the　unpardonable　sin。



'In　a　few　days　my　father　died；　he　left　his　family　in　comfortable　

circumstances；　at　least　such　as　would　be　considered　so　in　Wales；　

where　the　wants　of　the　people　are　few。　　My　elder　brother　carried　on　

the　farm　for　the　benefit　of　my　mother　and　us　all。　　In　course　of　

time　my　brothers　were　put　out　to　various　trades。　　I　still　remained　

at　school；　but　without　being　a　source　of　expense　to　my　relations；　

as　I　was　by　this　time　able　to　assist　my　master　in　the　business　of　

the　school。



'I　was　diligent　both　in　self…improvement　and　in　the　instruction　of　

others；　nevertheless；　a　horrible　weight　pressed　upon　my　breast；　I　

knew　I　was　a　lost　being；　that　for　me　there　was　no　hope；　that；　

though　all　others　might　be　saved；　I　must　of　necessity　be　lost；　I　

had　committed　the　unpardonable　sin；　for　which　I　was　doomed　to　

eternal　punishment；　in　the　flaming　gulf；　as　soon　as　life　was　over！　

…　and　how　long　could　I　hope　to　live？　perhaps　fifty　years；　at　the　

end　of　which　I　must　go　to　my　place；　and　then　I　would　count　the　

months　and　the　days；　nay；　even　the　hours；　which　yet　intervened　

between　me　and　my　doom。　　Sometimes　I　would　comfort　myself　with　the　

idea　that　a　long　time　would　elapse　before　my　time　would　be　out；　but　

then　again　I　thought　that；　however　long　the　term　might　be；　it　must　

be　out　at　last；　and　then　I　would　fall　into　an　agony；　during　which　I　

would　almost　wish　that　the　term　were　out；　and　that　I　were　in　my　

place；　the　horrors　of　which　I　thought　could　scarcely　be　worse　than　

what　I　then　endured。



'There　was　one　thought　about　this　time　which　caused　me　unutterable　

grief　and　shame；　perhaps　more　shame　than　grief。　　It　was　that　my　

father；　who　was　gone　to　heaven；　and　was　there　daily　holding　

communion　with　his　God；　was　by　this　time　aware　of　my　crime。　　I　

imagined　him　looking　down　from　the　clouds　upon　his　wretched　son；　

with　a　countenance　of　inexpressible　horror。　　When　this　idea　was　

upon　me；　I　would　often　rush　to　some　secret　place　to　hide　myself；　to　

some　thicket；　where　I　would　cast　myself　on　the　ground；　and　thrust　

my　head　into　a　thick　bush；　in　order　to　escape　from　the　horror…

struck　glance　of　my　father　above　in　the　clouds；　and　there　I　would　

continue　groaning　till　the　agony　had；　in　some　degree；　passed　away。



'The　wretchedness　of　my　state　increasing　daily；　it　at　last　became　

apparent　to　the　master　of　the　school；　who　questioned　me　earnestly　

and　affectionately。　　I；　however；　gave　him　no　satisfactory　answer；　

being　apprehensive　that；　if　I　unbosomed　myself；　I　should　become　as　

much　an　object　of　horror　to　him　as　I　had　long　been　to　myself。　　At　

length　he　suspected　that　I　was　unsettled　in　my　intellects；　and；　

fearing　probably　the　ill　effect　of　my　presence　upon　his　scholars；　

he　advised　me　to　go　hom