the price she paid-第59节

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nt　to　be　owned　by　you　and　to　lose　myself　in　you。　And　it's　that　I'm　fighting。''

She　felt　the　look　he　was　bending　upon　her；　and　glowed　and　colored　under　it；　but　did　not　dare　to　turn　her　eyes　to　meet　it。　　Said　he：　　‘‘Why　fight　it？　　Why　not　be　happy？''

‘‘Ah；　but　that's　just　it；''　cried　she。　　‘‘I　shouldn't　be　happy。　　And　I　should　make　you　miserable。　　The　idea　of　a　careerthe　idea　that's　rooted　deep　in　me　and　can't　ever　be　got　out；　Donald；　it　would　torment　me。　　You　couldn't　kill　it；　no　matter　how　much　you　loved　me。　　I'd　yield　for　the　time。　　Then；　I'd　go　back　or；　if　I　didn't；　I'd　be　wretched　and　make　you　wish　you'd　never　seen　me。''

‘‘I　understand；''　said　he。　　‘‘I　don't　believe　it；　but　I　understand。''

‘‘You　think　I'm　deceiving　myself；　because　you　saw　me　wasting　my　life；　playing　the　idler　and　the　fool；　pretending　I　was　working　toward　a　career　when　I　was　really　making　myself　fit　for　nothing　but　to　be　Stanley　Baird's　mistress。''

‘‘And　you're　still　deceiving　yourself。　　You　won't　see　the　truth。''

‘‘No　matter；''　said　she。　　‘‘I　must　go　on　and　make　a　careersome　kind　of　a　career。''

‘‘At　what？''

‘‘At　grand　opera。''

‘‘How'll　you　get　the　money？''

‘‘Of　Stanley；　if　necessary。　　That's　why　I　asked　his　address。　　I　shan't　ask　for　much。　　He'll　not　refuse。''

‘‘A　few　minutes　ago　you　were　talking　of　self…　respect。''

‘‘As　something　I　hoped　to　get。　　It　comes　with　independence。　　I'll　pay　any　price　to　get　it。''

‘‘Any　price？''　said　he；　and　never　before　had　she　seen　his　self…control　in　danger。

‘‘I　shan't　ask　Stanley　until　my　other　plans　have　failed。''

‘‘What　other　plans？''

‘‘I　am　going　to　ask　Mrs。　Belloc　for　the　money。　　She　could　afford　to　giveto　lendthe　little　I'd　want。　I'm　going　to　ask　her　in　such　a　way　that　it　will　be　as　hard　as　possible　for　her　to　refuse。　　That　isn't　ladylike；　butI've　dropped　out　of　the　lady　class。''

‘‘And　if　she　refuses？''

‘‘Then　I'll　go　one　after　another　to　several　very　rich　men　I　know；　and　ask　them　as　a　business　proposition。''

‘‘Go　in　person；''　advised　he　with　an　undisguised　sneer。

‘‘I'll　raise　no　false　hopes　in　them；''　she　said。　　‘‘If　they　choose　to　delude　themselves；　I'll　not　go　out　of　my　way　to　undeceive　themuntil　I　have　to。''

‘‘So　THIS　is　Mildred　Gower？''

‘‘You　made　that　remark　before。''

‘‘Really？''

‘‘When　Stanley　showed　you　a　certain　photograph　of　me。''

‘‘I　remember。　　This　is　the　same　woman。''

‘‘It's　me；''　laughed　she。　　‘‘The　real　me。　　You'd　not　care　to　be　married　to　her？''

‘‘No；''　said　he。　　Then；　after　a　brief　silence：　　‘‘Yet；　curiously；　it　was　that　woman　with　whom　I　fell　in　love。　No；　not　exactly　in　love；　for　I've　been　thinking　about　what　you　said　as　to　the　difference　between　love　in　posse　and　love　in　esse；　to　put　it　scientificallybetween　love　as　a　prospect　and　love　as　a　reality。''

‘‘And　I　was　right；''　said　she。　　‘‘It　explains　why　marriages　go　to　pieces　and　affairs　come　to　grief。　　Those　lovers　mistook　love's　promise　to　come　for　fulfillment。　Love　doesn't　die。　　It　simply　fails　to　comedoesn't　redeem　its　promise。''

‘‘That's　the　way　it　might　be　with　us；''　said　he。　‘‘That's　the　way　it　would　be　with　us；''　rejoined　she。

He　did　not　answer。　　When　they　spoke　again　it　was　of　indifferent　matters。　　An　hour　and　a　half　after　they　started；　they　were　at　Mrs。　Belloc's　again。　　She　asked　him　to　have　tea　in　the　restaurant　next　door。　　He　declined。　　He　went　up　the　steps　with　her；　said：

‘‘Well；　I　wish　you　luck。　　Moldini　is　the　best　teacher　in　America。''

‘‘How　did　you　know　Moldini　was　to　teach　me？''　exclaimed　she。

He　smiled；　put　out　his　hand　in　farewell。　　‘‘Crossley　told　me。　　Good…by。''

‘‘He　told　Crossley！　　I　wonder　why。''　　She　was　so　interested　in　this　new　phase　that　she　did　not　see　his　outstretched　hand；　or　the　look　of　bitter　irony　that　came　into　his　eyes　at　this　proof　of　the　subordinate　place　love　and　he　had　in　her　thoughts。

‘‘I'm　nervous　and　anxious；''　she　said　apologetically。　‘‘Moldini　told　me　he　had　some　scheme　about　getting　the　money。　　If　he　only　could！　　But　no　such　luck　for　me；''　she　added　sadly。

Keith　hesitated；　debated　with　himself；　said：　　‘‘You　needn't　worry。　　Moldini　got　itfrom　Crossley。　Fifty　dollars　a　week　for　a　year。''

‘‘You　got　Crossley　to　do　it？''

‘‘No。　　He　had　done　it　before　I　saw　him。　　He　had　just　promised　Moldini　and　was　cursing　himself　as　‘weak　and　soft。'　　But　that　means　nothing。　　You　may　be　sure　he　did　it　because　Moldini　convinced　him　it　was　a　good　speculation。''

She　was　radiant。　　She　had　not　vanity　enough　where　he　was　concerned　to　believe　that　he　deeply　cared；　that　her　joy　would　give　him　pain　because　it　meant　forgetfulness　of　him。　　Nor　was　she　much　impressed　by　the　expression　of　his　eyes。　　And　even　as　she　hurt　him；　she　made　him　love　her　the　more；　for　he　appreciated　how　rare　was　the　woman　who；　in　such　circumstances；　does　not　feed　her　vanity　with　pity　for　the　poor　man　suffering　so　horribly　because　he　is　not　to　get　her　precious　self。

It　flashed　upon　her　why　he　had　not　offered　to　help　her。　　‘‘There　isn't　anybody　like　you；''　said　she；　with　no　explanation　of　her　apparent　irrelevancy。

‘‘Don't　let　Moldini　see　that　you　know；''　said　he；　with　characteristic　fine　thoughtfulness　for　others　in　the　midst　of　his　own　unhappiness。　　‘‘It　would　deprive　him　of　a　great　pleasure。''

He　was　about　to　go。　　Suddenly　her　eyes　filled　and；　opening　the　outer　door；　she　drew　him　in。　　‘‘Donald；''　she　said；　‘‘I　love　you。　　Take　me　in　your　arms　and　make　me　behave。''

He　looked　past　her；　his　arms　hung　at　his　sides。　　Said　he：　　‘‘And　to…night　I'd　get　a　note　by　messenger　saying　that　you　had　taken　it　all　back。　　No；　the　girl　in　the　photographthat　was　you。　　She　wasn't　made　to　be　MY　wife。　　Or　I　to　be　her　husband。　　I　love　you　because　you　are　what　you　are。　　I　should　not　love　you　if　you　were　the　ordinary　woman；　the　sort　who　marries　and　merges。　　But　I'm　old　enough　to　spare　myselfand　youthe　consequences　of　what　it　would　mean　if　we　were　anything　but　strangers　to　each　other。''

‘‘Yes；　you　must　keep　awayaltogether。　　If　you　didn't；　I'd　be　neither　the　one　thing　nor　the　other；　but　just　a　poor　failure。''

‘‘You'll　not　fail；''　said　he。　　‘‘I　know　it。　　It's　written　in　your　face。''　　He　looked　at　her。　　She　was　not　looking　at　him；　but　with　eyes　gazing　straight　ahead　was　revealing　that　latent；　inexplicable　power　which；　when　it　appeared　at　the　surface；　so　strongly　dominated　and　subordinated　her　beauty　and　her　sex。　　He　shut　his　teeth　together　hard　and　glanced　away。

‘‘You　will　not　fail；''　he　repeated　bitterly。　　‘‘And　that's　the　worst　of　it。''

Without　another　word；　without　a　handshake；　he　went。　And　she　knew　that；　except　by　chance；　he　would　never　see　her　againor　she　him。

Moldini；　disheveled　and　hysterical　with　delight　and　suspense；　was　in　the　drawing…roomhad　been　there　half　an　hour。　　At　first　she　could　hardly　force　her　mind　to　listen；　but　as　he　talked　on　and　on；　he　captured　her　attention　and　held　it。


The　next　day　she　began　with　Moldini；　and　put　the　Lucia　Rivi　system　into　force　in　all　its　more　than　conventual　rigors。　　And　for　about　a　month　she　worked　like　a　devouring　flame。　　Never　had　there　been　such　energy；　such　enthusiasm。　　Mrs。　Belloc　was　alarmed　for　her　health；　but　the　Rivi　system　took　care　of　that；　and　presently　Mrs。　Belloc　was　moved　to　say；　‘‘Well；　I've　often　heard　that　hard　work　never　harmed　anyone；　but　I　never　believed　it。　　Now　I　know　the　truth。''

Then　Mildred　went　to　Hanging　Rock　to　spend　Saturday　to　Monday　with　her　mother。　　Presbury；　reduced　now　by　various　infirmitiesby　absolute　deafness；　by　dimness　of　sight；　by　difficulty　in　walkingto　where　eating　was　his　sole　remaining　pleasure；　or；　indeed；　distraction；　spent　all　his　time　in　concocting　dishes　for　him…　self。　　Mildred　could　not　resistand　who　can　when　seated　at　table　with　the　dish　before　one's　eyes　and　under　one's　nose。　　The　Rivi　regimen　was　suspended　for　the　visit。　　Mildred；　back　in　New　York　and　at　work　again；　found　that　she　was　apparently　none　the　worse　for　her　holiday；　was　in　fact　better。　　So　she　drifted　into　the　way　of　suspending　the　regimen　for　an　evening　now　and　thenwhen　she　dined　with　Mrs。　Brindley；　or　when　Agnes　Belloc　had　something　particularly　good。　　All　went　well　for　a　time。　　Thena　cold。　　She　neglected　it；　feeling　sure　it　could　not　stay　with　one　so　soundly　healthy　through　and　through。　　But　it　did　stay；　it　grew　worse。　　She　decided　that　she　ought　to　take　medicine　for　it。　　True；　starvation　was　the　cure　prescribed　by　the　regimen；　but　Mildred　could　not　bring　herself　to　two　or　three　days　of　discomfort。　　Also；　many　people　told　her　that　such　a　cure　was　foolish　and　even　dangerous。　The　cold　got　better；　got　worse；　got　better。　　But　her　throat　became　queer；　and　at　last　her　voice　left　her。　She　was　ashamed　to　go　to　Moldini　in　such　a　condition。　She　dropped　in　upon　Hicks；　the　throat　specialist。　　He　‘‘fixed　her　up''　beautifully　with　a　few　sprayings。　　A　weekand　her　voice　left　her　again；　and　Hicks　could　not　bring　it　back。　　As　she　left　his　office；　it　was　raining　an　icy；　dreary　drizzle。　　She　splashed　her　way　home；　in　about　the　lowest　spirits　she　had　ever　known。　　She　locked　her　door　and　seated　herself　at　the　window　and　stared　out；　while　the　storm　raged　within　her。　　After　an　hour　or　two　she　wrote　and　sent　Moldini　a　note：　‘‘I　have　been　making　a　fool　of　myself。　　I'll　not　come　again　until　I　am　all　right。　　Be　patient　with　me。　　I